imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 yes. we spoke today for the first time in so long I can't actually remember the last time we spoke we cleared the air but I still feel confused he said many times that he wants to be with me but at the same time he's not going to leave his wife I asked him why if he's so happy does he want to see me he just said its the way it is I feel caught up in him so much I really do love him (voice, mannerisms etc) everything about him I adore we're seeing each other at the weekend but I'm not sure if I want this 100% or not. I love him yes and want to see him he wants basically a long term no strings attached arrangement on one hand I'm ok with this but on the other I'm not as ultimately I want more from him thoughts? if you had another chance with your mm/me honestly, would you take it? Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Another chance for...what exactly? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 on one hand I'm ok with this but on the other I'm not as ultimately I want more from him Day to day, week to week this may work for you but long term it won't work because you want all of him, more than he is willing to give. He's told you he isn't leaving and all he can give you is just the affair. My concern for you is the damage it'll do if you decide to really get back with him as the OW, you'll expect and demand more of him and he'll not give that to you and in turn, you'll hurt and be in pain constantly again. He still lives life with his wife and family. He's happy enough and you fill in another need which makes him even happier - And you get the short end of the stick, all the meanwhile he is the "king" so to speak. I wish you strength and courage to do what is really best for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 to see him and be together even though it will be in the context of the affair Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Why be second best? I get it because the switch has come back on. You love each other and someone has just poured gasoline on smoke and have a burning passion of love. I wouldn't recommend seeing him, but you're going to do it. And by the end of it, you'll think of him as your soul mate again. Which in the short term, will give you the highest of highs. But it's going to lead to frustration in the long term. Also, think about his wife and family. Would you want someone doing that to you? It's a booty call and you can rationalize it any way you want. Most importantly for your sake, as well as his family's have some moral decency and decline the offer. Not being 100% committed is your conscience and brain telling you to do the right thing. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 thanks, wwiu, I think really I know the answer but the chance to see him is just too much, I can't put it into words I'm dying to see him it's all the crap that comes after I hate Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 to see him and be together even though it will be in the context of the affair So you're settling on some level. Are you really okay with that? To be second fiddle to his wife and family? If you really do want him and the only way to have him is having an affair, then change your attitude about it. don't put him first. Detach - Rely on him less, put you first more often. Don't drop everything to go running to him when he has time for you. Shield your heart. Expect less and accept your role as the OW, that this is just an affair, nothing more than that. Don't invest so much in him and live your life with other friends, family and hobbies. Enjoy it for what it is for however long it lasts but when it ends, accept that it's over and you must move on with your life eventually. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 thanks, wwiu, I think really I know the answer but the chance to see him is just too much, I can't put it into words I'm dying to see him it's all the crap that comes after I hate I'm not judging you, but I feel sad for you because you deserve so much more. I get that you love him, want him but at what price? Is the shi.tty feelings, hurt and pain worth the few fun/good moments you share with him? Him consuming your thoughts so much, putting your own life on hold? He has life built with someone else, holidays, bday's, vacations all of which you are excluded from. Don't you want kids and a family of your own? To build your own memories and life with someone special who loves and adores only you? My guess is yes you do....But you'll never ever have any of that as long as you're the OW and having an affair with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 yes. we spoke today for the first time in so long I can't actually remember the last time we spoke we cleared the air but I still feel confused he said many times that he wants to be with me but at the same time he's not going to leave his wife I asked him why if he's so happy does he want to see me he just said its the way it is I feel caught up in him so much I really do love him (voice, mannerisms etc) everything about him I adore we're seeing each other at the weekend but I'm not sure if I want this 100% or not. I love him yes and want to see him he wants basically a long term no strings attached arrangement on one hand I'm ok with this but on the other I'm not as ultimately I want more from him thoughts? if you had another chance with your mm/me honestly, would you take it? What do you mean another chance? Another chance at an affair only to be frustrated and upset again later because it's the same thing? No. That's not "another chance" that's just the same old thing revamped. I had a real chance with my exAP when he was single, that's what I wanted and was happy for. But had he come back still in a relationship and expected me to be with him for all eternity in an A with no strings attached..FACK NO! Imperfect, you have already admitted you want more and you love him....don't sell yourself short. I know the feeling that when you break NC it's like you get all high off speaking to him and just want to forget everything and get back together but believe me, it won't be long before you remembered why you went NC. He isn't offering you anything new or better and while you love him, believe me, with time and more NC those intense feelings fade. But selling yourself short and settling for what you can get on HIS TERMS is crazy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 He can't give you what you need. He's being upfront about it. You've been trying for three years to end this chapter. Engaging with him will only destroy you further. Accept that he doesn't want you and you won't have him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 He can't give you what you need. He's being upfront about it. You've been trying for three years to end this chapter. Engaging with him will only destroy you further. Accept that he doesn't want you and you won't have him. He does want her - On his terms and time frame IN an affair setting. That's it. They are addicted to one another, all that the affair brings - But that is not 'healthy love' nor is fulfilling long term. IMP, please really think about what it is you're doing. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JPMC Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I fell back into an affair after a 3 year hiatus. We saw each other and it was fantastic. Sex was great, but not as great as I remember. Fell right back into it. Completely enjoyed her company. But it just wasn't the same. I can't describe it. Almost, just satisfied to see her and if I didn't again, I was good. I miss her when I'm bored. When I"m not, it's no big deal, I'm married, she's not anymore. She dated some guy for a few months, I barely spoke with her. I found I've gotten lazy and don't need the stress of hiding things just to communicate with her. I wouldn't marry her because she's a financial Chernobyl. I would never be her first priority, so what's the point? Sometimes a short gain is better than a long face, but I don't think this is the case in this situation. I wouldn't do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 He can't give you what you need. He's being upfront about it. You've been trying for three years to end this chapter. Engaging with him will only destroy you further. Accept that he doesn't want you and you won't have him. The thing is...he doesn't respect her. That's something I don't think lots of people understand, that "love" without respect and wanting what's best for someone is very flimsy. A man who isn't self-interested and who loves you and respects you won't try to offer you crumbs, as he knows you're worth more, yet this man is not at all shy about asking for a NSA A and he will only respect imperfectangel less when he realizes she doesn't expect more for herself and will gladly agree to his terms. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 He does want her - On his terms and time frame IN an affair setting. That's it. They are addicted to one another, all that the affair brings - But that is not 'healthy love' nor is fulfilling long term. IMP, please really think about what it is you're doing. That's not wanting someone. That's being enthusiastically available for groping with no other implications. Based on that I bet my exAP wants me oh so much at times. He wants her to make him feel good. He doesn't want her, her life and her future. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JPMC Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I've been guilty of manipulating emotions and Miss Bee is right, he loves her when he can control/influence her actions. He doesn't want the best for her, he wants what's in it for him. Period. I'm the same way. It's love but warped love. If you really loved them, you would want them to be happy on their own. But instead the OM gets addicted to his ego being stroked. Different sex moves than his wife. Hearing someone tell them how great they are. That's the addiction. He says he's not leaving. You deserve better. He's bored and needs his ego and 3rd branch stroked. Call this off. I'm giving you all the OM offensive plays. He'll tell you anything to get you to meet him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 Don't you want kids and a family of your own? To build your own memories and life with someone special who loves and adores only you? My guess is yes you do....But you'll never ever have any of that as long as you're the OW and having an affair with him. I do want all that but I want it all from him *cries* I feel like such a sap I've been so strong lately he even asked me why I was being icy with him he comes on so strong and when it's what you want to hear common sense goes out the window Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I do want all that but I want it all from him *cries* I feel like such a sap I've been so strong lately he even asked me why I was being icy with him he comes on so strong and when it's what you want to hear common sense goes out the window Oh man you are going on another ride of the rollercoaster. We will be here for you, reminding you that you are worth so much than what he offers you. His best offer is an affair, on his terms, the way he wants it. When he is done with you, he wants you to go back inside your box until he wants to play with you again. Maybe in a few months he will start giving you false hope. Maybe some future faking thrown in if he thinks you are almost done. I hope this doesn't destroy you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I hope you'll tell him to eff off and I wish I could see that smirk wiped off his face. You said things got cleared, but you're still confused. This is how its going to be. You'll lose yourself more and more. Maybe you need another round to he done. In that case, run with it until completely over and don't trust your guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Please don't let common sense go through the window. Listen to JPMC! He's spot on. Don't cosign to him treating you this way. If you hold off on meeting him, I promise you'll feel a lot better about it once the current post-breaking-NC high fades. It will feel hard and like torture not to meet up in the short term but you will be grateful; if you do meet up though and get back into the A, that pain which will inevitably come will be far worse and last far longer and you'll feel very foolish because you KNEW! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JPMC Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I do want all that but I want it all from him *cries* I feel like such a sap I've been so strong lately he even asked me why I was being icy with him he comes on so strong and when it's what you want to hear common sense goes out the window Read the above line. Look here's the deal, if you really wanted to see him, you wouldn't be posting on here, you'd just do it. You're looking to us to support you and tell you to be strong. If you're so strong, you'll call him up tell him no more, period. Then next Monday you can have a victory party. There is pain in victory but it will be so worth it. You'll have a huge wind behind your sail. You're at the crossroad where you have an opportunity to get over this if you take the right path. It takes self-esteem and discipline to do the right thing. He's just another guy. Please call it off. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I do want all that but I want it all from him *cries* I feel like such a sap I've been so strong lately he even asked me why I was being icy with him he comes on so strong and when it's what you want to hear common sense goes out the window But you KNOW you'll never get what you really want from him, so don't give yourself false hope and fake promises, you'll be lying to yourself if you do that. So he'll tell you what you want to hear (aka manipulate you) and you'll believe him because your emotions run deep. Very dangerous and you know this too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 thanks guys I tried to like all the replies I hope I didn't miss any he says it can only be "physical" for now last time he wanted to me I was very firm in saying no which like I said he said something about me being icy and I told him where to go but then I felt bad which is why nc was broken he told me I was been mean and doesn't get why I have a problem with him being married now Link to post Share on other sites
JPMC Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Imperfect Angel my dear, do yourself a big favor. Go to your posts that you started in regard to him. Read about all your frustrations. Being pregnant, telling him not to contact you, not calling you when you were ill, etc. Now imagine reading these and ask yourself if it was one of us? What would you advise us to do? There is your answer. For the record he has ZERO respect for you as a human being. You are being used under the guise of love. Just physical? What a guy. Tell him you're icy because you're feelings for him have changed and that you've evolved as a person 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 I know exactly what I would tell others to do but when it's your situation it's not that black and white how do you walk away from someone you're completely in love with he's offered to tell his wife before and now I wish I had told him to I'm so down Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 thanks guys I tried to like all the replies I hope I didn't miss any he says it can only be "physical" for now last time he wanted to me I was very firm in saying no which like I said he said something about me being icy and I told him where to go but then I felt bad which is why nc was broken he told me I was been mean and doesn't get why I have a problem with him being married now And this is okay? Imperfect, please re-read this. He is an ASS and he doesn't respect you at all and love, no he doesn't love you. He is a spoiled brat who expects you to be his sexual vessel and when you voice any kind of NORMAL human feelings and dissatisfaction he gets huffy and wants to know why you all of a sudden have standards instead of just wanting to do what he wants. Please run away! At least some MM try to future fake and promise they love you and will leave and PRETEND that they think you're worth more or some really do believe it, but this guy here isn't even trying to pretend as though that's the case. He's manipulating you into feeling bad for having standards! WTF?! And you're believing it and worried about not being mean...wtf how is it mean to not want to be used for a physical affair aka sex???? Imperfect, I feel angry on your behalf and also sad because I remember when I was in your position, not in the A, but in another terrible fake relationship, where I didn't know my worth and allowed the guy to call all the shots and I would constantly feel so bad and guilty for having any demands, as he would make it seem like I was hurting him because I wanted more. Tell him to fkkk all the way off and never speak to you again! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
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