Is she a cheater? Am I a controlling jerk?

[Bootpam]

I'm looking for honest feedback, I'm aware that I might be emotionally stubborn on my subject. I apologize if the length of detail is a lot, but thank you for reading and giving your thoughts.

 

My girlfriend went a week long business conference trip recently. Everything seemed normal while she was away, but when she returned, I felt she was acting strange. The first night back we didn't talk much, or show much affection towards each other. we just watched tv. That night and the next couple, I asked her if everything was ok. She responded with a quick temper and asked why I kept asking, so I chalked it up to being in my own mind.

 

Things felt like they were getting back to normal, about 5 days after her return I sent her a picture from my cubicle, which had a sticker hanging up on my wall in the background of a monkey (thinkgeek.com). She asked me who the monkey was, as she's seen it recently, so I told her where I got it.

 

That night I jokingly asked her who was trying to decorate like me, she told me she saw the same sticker in a picture a guy whom she had met at the conference had sent her, unprovoked, she proceeded to pull up the text from him. The picture was of a scientific instrument that coincidentally had the same sticker as mine. While she was scrolling through her texts, I noticed he sent a message that is roughly quoted as "by the way, talking to you makes my day 1000 times better." At this point I had a troubled thought, but didn't say anything.

 

The following day, the thought that something may have happened began eating away at me. I looked up her Facebook, and then his to see if there was reason for me to be jealous. On his Facebook page, the day free they left the conference he posted a video link to "stateless - bloodstream", a music video that isn't completely loving, does contain lyrics like:

"I think I might've inhaled you

I can feel you behind my eyes

You've gotten into my bloodstream

I can feel you flowing in me"

The comment he left under his video was "hey you, here's that one song". To date, none of his other friends have commented or liked the link.

 

That night I came home late from work and she was in bed, I stayed up alone until 4:00 am thinking and processing it all when she woke up and asked what was going on. I confessed everything I had seen, and asked what was up between the two of them. She said nothing happened, she had hung out with him and other people, but there was nothing. I asked her if he sent a song link for her and she said yes, so she was even honest about that. She seemed geniunely concerned about my feelings, and yes taken by surprise, but not backed up into a corner. I believed her that he was nobody to her.

 

After an hour of talking she told me she doesn't need him in her life, and she's not going to talk to him anymore. She went back to her bedroom and I followed. She was on her phone. I looked over her shoulder asking what she was doing, she said deleting all his texts, and I see another questionable one. She wrote him: "omg the Brazilian is here!" (A story she told me about the conference earlier about a guy who came onto her and made things awkward). His response was "holy", "****", "see? That's the effect you have on men ;)" I asked her what that was about? Did she think he was being friendly or flirtatious, she said he hadn't thought of it that way.

 

Days later, I haven't gone through her phone or email, and I genuinely believe nothing happened... But I'm still so angry. I've never placed any demands on her, or even told her not to hang out with boys, but this feels to me like something other than friendship. I'm ton between believing her, and thinking there's just too many small things adding up. So what is it? Am I completely blinded by rage? Is it suspicious and does it sound like she may have had a one time affair? How do I get out of this mental run around?

[Chi townD]

I think a flirtation was happening, but nothing is setting my spidey senses off as she was full on cheating on you. However, I do believe that it was levitating into something more. The dude, seemed like he was testing the waters a few times.

 

So, trust, but verify. Look for anymore red flags. Make sure she deleted him from her facebook. Look for obvious signs. Like she hides her phone and even takes it in the shower with her. Stuff like that.

 

Most important for YOU to do is act clueless. Give an Oscar performance. The more she believes that the subject is closed as far as you're concerned, the more likely she's going to slip up. Do not confront until you have damning evidence. If you come to her with something that could be easily explained away, then the only thing you did was to teach her to hide her side relationship better.

[GoreSP]

From what I read, he was flirting with her but I fail to see what she did that could be constituted as 'cheating'?

[lolablue17]

Maybe he was flirty but if your girlfriend is an atractive girl, many dudes are and will be flirting with her.

 

Her behavior looks very innocent. she didnt hide anything, she didnt lie, she voluntarily showed you her texts letting you looking over her shoulder. if she had something to hide she would act defferently.

[TylerDurdenn]

This -

 

'the same sticker as mine. While she was scrolling through her texts, I noticed he sent a message that is roughly quoted as "by the way, talking to you makes my day 1000 times better." At this point I had a troubled thought, but didn't say anything.'

 

Is not good.

[justa_guy]

I would be concerned about her behavior when she came back, it shows she was more aware of the flirtation than she says. You've got to look at her actions not take in her words.

 

Just don't get blinded by jealousy, i don't think she cheated, because she was open about everything, although I doubt her innocence in the flirtation.

 

Keep your emotions in check and back away if she does, you shouldn't let her see this is bothering you much, but she should know she crossed your boundaries and needs to make an effort to regain your trust, Im sure she'd be butt-hurt if you were receiving texts like these from a girl you spent time with.

 

Good luck, doesn't sound like fun.

[Radu]

Maybe he was flirty but if your girlfriend is an atractive girl, many dudes are and will be flirting with her.

 

Her behavior looks very innocent. she didnt hide anything, she didnt lie, she voluntarily showed you her texts letting you looking over her shoulder. if she had something to hide she would act defferently.

 

Innocent my ass.

 

OP, they were flirting, the worrisome parts are [to me] :

- the attitude after returning from the conference; it could be interpreted as her enjoying the experience, and being upset that it was over

It could also be that she was tired.

- she did not give you the phone to read before deleting his txts.

That is a red flag in my book.

 

I don't think that she actually was knowingly flirting with him.

So when you confronted and called her on it, her common sense kicked in, and went in protective mode ... protecting her and how she is seen by you.

I don't know how long you two have been together, but this is what the above means to me :

- she may have drifted from being in love with you; someone who is in love with another, is not looking at others, they are 'closed off' to flirting.

She was not closed, she was open.

Like i said, i don't believe this was conscious flirting, probably instinctual, untill you called her out on it i doubt she saw it as something wrong [the sticker being evidence of that].

- she would rather protect her ass than putting her cards on the table and establishing innocence.

The way she acted [deleting messages instead of letting you see them], should worry you; it could mean that there was more compromising stuff there [evidence of flirting].

 

Like someone said above, keep playing dumb, make it seem like it's something you are over ... but keep your eyes and ears open.

The first hint you will get is in her attitude towards you and her means of communication.

Changing passwords, locking the phone, etc ... are good red flags.

 

PS: She is not a cheater, and you are not a controlling jerk.

You read signs pretty well, just don't act before thinking and having a plan in the future.

Edited January 26, 2014 by Radu

[fixing]

Let me tell you straight off the bat, from experience. When your girlfriend comes home after being away and she is acting 'strange' cold, distant. She is guilty of something. Sorry to be so blunt, but it happened to me. Ill give you a very short summary of my own experience, take from it, what you will.

 

My ex and i, together for 16 months. I fully allowed her maximum freedom to stay weekends away at 'male' friends. Trusted her unconditionally. The final week of the relationship, she came back from a christening, she had stayed an extra two nights (This set off alarm bells for me)

She was very cold, distant and unaffectionate. She didnt even kiss me.

For the entire week i got on with my working online not giving her behaviour a second thought.

She , however was constantly facebooking someone everyday of that week. Well, one day id had enough, and while she slept in my bed i opened our laptop, her facebook was still logged in. I immediately opened a conversation with some 'new' male friend. Scrolled through it as the conversation was very flirty and low and behold, i was crushed.... They were reminiscing about the sex they had last week.

Needless to say, i ended it. Thinking back now, when she returned from her holidays in Slovakia she acted the very same way for a week, but back then i had no clue what that meant. I was to dumb and naive.

 

So, your girlfriend is obviously cheating on you emotionally at the very least by those texts. She shouldnt be doing that.

Her behaviour, well, i suggest you tread very carefully here, because time and time again, the cold, distant behaviour on return reeks of a guilty mind.

[Radu]

I have to say I do not agree with those saying he should "play dumb". If she is behaving inappropriately with another guy then why should he just ignore it? I am not saying this is 100% for sure what happened, but seeing texts like "talking to you makes my day 1000 times better" tends to give me the hint that it's not a 100% friendly relationship.

 

If she is flirting with people without realizing it then I would also talk to her about it, it's wrong to lead people on, etc. but at the same time I found it hard to believe she is 100% innocent and doesn't know what she is doing when it comes to flirting.

 

For 2 reasons :

- as i said above, humans are more like pigs then they care to admit it to themselves.

If someone who did something bad to the relationship is approached with 'suspicions' instead of proof, for most of those cases instinctually they will try to minimize it, remove the evidence, and maybe even turn it against you if the above do not work.

On the other hand, if they take your objection seriously, look at the situation critically, realize they were out of line, and come out in full disclosure mode, those ppl have morals, character and are worth investing in a relationship with them.

- if you repeatedly approach with little evidence, a 'immunity' will be built to these accusations.

Not only will they know how to cover their ass in the future better, how to find better alibi's, how to adjust their behaviour so it doesn't set off alarm bells, but you also will become accustomed to the situation.

So when approaching a cheater, it's best you do your due diligence.

 

In this situation, the OP acted overall well.

The only thing that could be held against his gf is she still acted as if she hid things, either because it was embarassing, or because there was more sensitive stuff there.

Both scenarios are bad.

 

Next time she will be more careful.

I hope the OP understands that this entire situation constitutes a red flag in itself.

[Radu]

I have to say I do not agree with those saying he should "play dumb". If she is behaving inappropriately with another guy then why should he just ignore it? I am not saying this is 100% for sure what happened, but seeing texts like "talking to you makes my day 1000 times better" tends to give me the hint that it's not a 100% friendly relationship.

 

If she is flirting with people without realizing it then I would also talk to her about it, it's wrong to lead people on, etc. but at the same time I found it hard to believe she is 100% innocent and doesn't know what she is doing when it comes to flirting.

 

For 2 reasons :

- as i said above, humans are more like pigs then they care to admit it to themselves.

If someone who did something bad to the relationship is approached with 'suspicions' instead of proof, for most of those cases instinctually they will try to minimize it, remove the evidence, and maybe even turn it against you if the above do not work.

On the other hand, if they take your objection seriously, look at the situation critically, realize they were out of line, and come out in full disclosure mode, those ppl have morals, character and are worth investing in a relationship with them.

In a way it's all a test, and the OP's gf failed miserably.

- if you repeatedly approach with little evidence, a 'immunity' will be built to these accusations.

Not only will they know how to cover their ass in the future better, how to find better alibi's, how to adjust their behaviour so it doesn't set off alarm bells, but you also will become accustomed to the situation.

So when approaching a cheater, it's best you do your due diligence.

 

In this situation, the OP acted overall well.

The only thing that could be held against his gf is she still acted as if she hid things, either because it was embarassing, or because there was more sensitive stuff there.

Both scenarios are bad.

 

Next time she will be more careful.

I hope the OP understands that this entire situation constitutes a red flag in itself.

[LoveorLie]

I think your concerns are real as whether she full on cheated or not she was definitely flirting which personally I count as cheating as what she was getting out of it was attention and for self pleasure.

 

for example:

flirting with the bar man isn't cheating as it is harmless and for a drink.

 

But, flirting privately with someone isn't harmless and she obviously is attracted to him or she would never have kept chatting to him.

 

This story has a lot of similarities to my own and i'm afraid to say it mine didn't end well. After I originally confronted him and got the whole "i'll delete her, she means nothing" it just drove him to change her name on his phone and made sure he deleted messages, I only caught him out when I had a bad feeling after all the time he spent on his phone and in the end installed a clever app to track what he was doing. In the end I found out he was even going to her house instead of work.

 

I hope your story doesn't end like this, but it doesn't sound good.