Why doesn't she want me?

[NateIsMarried]

Not sure if there are similar threads out there. Seemed like a lot of pages to have to skim through and I'm not that patient... In any case,

 

This is my dilemma.

 

I am a newlywed. It will be only 1 year this coming March. My problem is, my wife has been rejecting my every sexual advance for the past few months. Before we got married, we were making love pretty regularly (about 3-4 times a week). Now, I'm lucky if she sulks in bed with her legs spread open one time in two weeks. I get most of you would not word it like that, but that description is actually quite literal. Nothing has changed about her. We don't have kids, so that's never an issue.

 

The excuses she always gives me are pretty cliche as well. Her favorite excuse is "I'm too tired". Most days, I am pretty understanding of that. She works long hours as a glorified secretary at a local hospital in the ICU. But even just this weekend, for example, we were lazy. We literally did nothing but sit in front of the TV all day for 2 full days. I'll make an attempt to initiate sex, and she pushes me away, saying "I'm tired, maybe later." So, I'll wait until an hour after she wakes from a long nap... "I'm still tired. Maybe before we go to sleep tonight. You can do your own thing, I want to be left alone for a while." So I'll leave her alone until she goes to the bedroom. "I still want to be left alone. I'll call you in, don't worry." So I'll wait and wait, but I hear nothing... I go and check on her, and what do I see? She's SLEEPING!

 

I don't know what to do. I've talked to her numerous times about this and all it leads to is a huge argument and then I have to sleep on the couch, so clearly talking about it doesn't help. I need something more subtle, maybe?

 

Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

[NateIsMarried]

Well, I'm 21 and she's 36. She was married once before me, and their marriage was technically over after 3 years, but the marriage lasted 7 years.. She only stayed married to him because it was comfortable. Their sex life was virtually non-existent, save for maybe once in 5 months.

 

She and I had met online, and it was only online for about 6 months. She then came to see me and we connected right away. After that, she decided to separate from him, get her own place and move me in after a month. We lived together for 2 years before we got married. Our sex life was normal before we got married and only shortly after.

 

I don't think it's medical, but she seems to think it's a vitamin deficiency. B12 shots didn't help when she tried them for 6 months, and 1200 UIs in chewables don't help either. She's always tired even when she's not doing anything.

[d0nnivain]

She sounds very selfish. I'm not usually a fan but I'd give her an ultimatum: she gets a medical check up & you both go to marriage counseling. If she won't go you need to figure out if you are willing to live the rest of your life without sex.

[The Peanut Gallery]

Age should be in your favour, not against it! In our mid-thirties, we women have a sex drive that goes through the roof!

 

....unless, she is on birth control? I know it is a very personal question, so don't answer back on here, but consider talking to her about taking a break for BC for a while. Depending on what she is taking, you are going to see a HUGE difference!

 

I was on the same BC for five years of my relationship, and I found myself forcing a smile when we had sex. It hurt, I didn't enjoy it, and I couldn't get in the mood! I use to LOVE sex ... I was crazy for it, and I desperately loved the man I married. I didn't know what was wrong with me!

 

Then I found a website that goes through a list of side effects that my BC could cause .... and I had every last one! I had even been in and out of the hospital with a heart condition known to come from this kind of hormone, and yet NO doctor ever suggested that this along with depression, lack of sex drive, moodiness, and so many other signs could be caused by my BC!

 

After I got off that horrible stuff, my husband got the beautiful, cheerly, loving, sweet, sensitive, and horny woman he married

[mrs rubble]

Not sure if there are similar threads out there. Seemed like a lot of pages to have to skim through and I'm not that patient... In any case,

 

This is my dilemma.

 

I am a newlywed. It will be only 1 year this coming March. My problem is, my wife has been rejecting my every sexual advance for the past few months. Before we got married, we were making love pretty regularly (about 3-4 times a week). Now, I'm lucky if she sulks in bed with her legs spread open one time in two weeks. I get most of you would not word it like that, but that description is actually quite literal. Nothing has changed about her. We don't have kids, so that's never an issue.

 

The excuses she always gives me are pretty cliche as well. Her favorite excuse is "I'm too tired". Most days, I am pretty understanding of that. She works long hours as a glorified secretary at a local hospital in the ICU. But even just this weekend, for example, we were lazy. We literally did nothing but sit in front of the TV all day for 2 full days. I'll make an attempt to initiate sex, and she pushes me away, saying "I'm tired, maybe later." So, I'll wait until an hour after she wakes from a long nap... "I'm still tired. Maybe before we go to sleep tonight. You can do your own thing, I want to be left alone for a while." So I'll leave her alone until she goes to the bedroom. "I still want to be left alone. I'll call you in, don't worry." So I'll wait and wait, but I hear nothing... I go and check on her, and what do I see? She's SLEEPING!

 

I don't know what to do. I've talked to her numerous times about this and all it leads to is a huge argument and then I have to sleep on the couch, so clearly talking about it doesn't help. I need something more subtle, maybe?

 

Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

See the bits I have put in bold? This is the way you are describing the love of your life to a pack of strangers! Whoa!!!! Right there.

 

If you're showing this sort of disrepect to her as well I'm hardly surprised she's gone off you.

 

I have had a load of experience with hospitals/ICU's and hard working Ward Clerks (what we call the admin people ->not glorified secretary's)

It can be a thankless and depressing job.

I remember my own mum yelling abuse at a poor ward clerk when I was a child....people tend to loose the plot when their nearest and dearest are sick or suffering. It's amplified in ICU 10 times as life often hangs in the balance, so she probably has it rough at work often...this will be emotionally very draining, causing her to be exahausted. If your lack of respect for her job is as plainly evident to her as it is to me. I'd say this is the root of the problem.

 

Try engaging her in conversation about her day, about the struggles she faces, the abuse dished to her by stressed families and medical staff. She may want to simply vent and know that someone cares enough to listen.

It may be as simple as that.