very-confused-girl Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Hello everybody, my boyfriend is from New Zealand but he works and lives in my country Czech rep. Every winter he leaves for New Zealand to visit his family and to escape winter for two months. I cant go with him because at that time of year I have exams in my university. So my boyfriend is gone for about 3 weeks now and I recently got a little bit of depression. Because of my exams, I start getting flu and have some problems at home at the moment. A friend of mine wants to go at the end of January skiing. Only for two or three days. And doesnt want to go by himself so he told me to come with him. I have known this friend for 5 years, we dont hang out very often but I do trust him that he would not try anything on me. He absolutely wants to have separated bedrooms during this skiing trip. The point is that I dont know whether to go or not. Of course I know how to behave in a relationship but every relationship has a different rules anyway. I mean I dont know whether my boyfriend would feel comfortable with it. I dont have any other intentions with the friend but really just skiing. I want to rest my mind off school and stuff. So I dont know whether I should go and dont say anything to my boyfriend at all, or be honest about it and ask about his opinion or whether not to go at all because it is really a little bit on the edge. I need your advice what to do. Sometimes my boyfriend is trying to act like a "mr.tough man" and not to show any feelings of jealousy and he is very tolerant person but I am afraid that if he said he was ok with me going skiing with this friend, it would not be honest. I basically need to know whether me going for 2 days skiing with a male friend is disrespectful to my boyfriend. Thanks a lot Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Talk to your b/f and see how he reacts. Tell him to give you his honest opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Answer, yes. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Would your boyfriend going skiing for two days with a female friend of his be disrespectful to you??? Answer that question honestly and you have an answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Talk to your boyfriend. AND....think about why you want to go. If it's a chance to go skiing, and a break from school with a friend...fine. If you think that there are ANY other possible reasons (even reasons you may not want to admit to yourself)...then DON'T go. If you feel there could be ANY ulterior motives on your part or your friend's part, your boyfriend's approval means nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author very-confused-girl Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 I mean I would not like that idea if my boyfriend went skiing with a female friend. But I am sensitive to different things than my boyfriend is. I mean my boyfriend had problem when I went to trip even with a FEMALE friend and the reason was because I went to Greece where usually girls go to have fun with local guys. And I asked him once whether he would be ok with me going on a trip with a male friend? And he said:"Yes, if I knew that your intentions are pure, then I would not have problem with that". I mean sometimes is very hard for me to find out what bothers my boyfriend and what not. He does not want to control me and stopping me from doing things. Of course he wants me to by loyal and faithfull and he would be hurt if I did something to hurt him but he wants me to be the one who is going to decide what to do and what not to. So I am afraid that if I said to Peter-my boyfriend:"Wouldnt you mind me going skiing for 2 days with a male friend"? And if Peter said that he would be Ok with it, I still would not know whether it would be honest. Because he is that kind of person that he would let me do stuff without even telling me how much it hurt him, but afterwards he would tell me that he got really disappointed by me. So by him agreeing on this trip it still does not mean that he is really happy for me to go skiing. So I am just asking whether me going for two days skiing without any other intentions is GENERALLY disrespectful to my partner. Link to post Share on other sites
7on Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Get some more females to go on this trip with you. Not too often do two people of the opposite sex go away together that something doesn't get ignited. If you have some female friends with ya, you'll not be worried much about this outing. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by very-confused-girl So I am afraid that if I said to Peter-my boyfriend:"Wouldnt you mind me going skiing for 2 days with a male friend"? And if Peter said that he would be Ok with it, I still would not know whether it would be honest. It sounds like you know what you're doing is shady and you're trying to rationalize not having to tell him. If you ask him if he's fine with it, then it's up to him to give you his honest response. But you should definitely talk to him about it. If you end up going without telling him, and then he finds out, it will look like you're trying to cover up something much worse. You have less to risk by just talking to him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
hooghie Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by very-confused-girl So I am just asking whether me going for two days skiing without any other intentions is GENERALLY disrespectful to my partner. I would say that it IS disrespectful and you are possibly putting yourself in a bad situation. Until the last few years, 95% of my friends were male, but I've learned over the years that this is generally not a good idea and with most of these guys- eventually, they either told me they wanted more than friendship, they got drunk and made a move, or the discussion got sexual or on to topics that a significant other wouldn't want you to share with another man. Going away for 2 days will most likely lead to something that would be disrespectful. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 I thought the question was phrased very well. But yes, it would not be appropriate. If I were your b/f and you approached me about this, I would assume something was wrong with the relationship from your perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author very-confused-girl Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 thanks for opinions here. I basically needed to know what people generally think about that. You are right that going there could get me into problems that I can be without. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Does your bf know your friend? Is he only a friend of yours, or you could say that he's friend with both of you? What does your bf think of him? In any case, please don't go without telling him. I'd say that there is no harm in asking, but if your bf does not sound *totally* okay with it I suggest you don't go. Unless, of course, your bf thinks it's perfectly fine for him to go on trips with female friends while he's in New Zealand. Also, if you would not be comfortable under *any*circumnstances with the idea of your bf going on a 2 days trip with a female friend, going to this trip is probably a bad idea even if your bf is very okay with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author very-confused-girl Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Adunaphel Does your bf know your friend? Is he only a friend of yours, or you could say that he's friend with both of you? What does your bf think of him? In any case, please don't go without telling him. I'd say that there is no harm in asking, but if your bf does not sound *totally* okay with it I suggest you don't go. Unless, of course, your bf thinks it's perfectly fine for him to go on trips with female friends while he's in New Zealand. Also, if you would not be comfortable under *any*circumnstances with the idea of your bf going on a 2 days trip with a female friend, going to this trip is probably a bad idea even if your bf is very okay with it. Actually my boyfriend doesnt know this friend of mine. Going without telling will be really very disrespectful. I am just afraid that Peter would be upset only even with me asking. Even if I didnt go in the end. What I mean is that he might feel sad how could I even think about something like this (going skiing with a friend). My problem is about judging my boyfriends´reactions. I still dont know him so well. He might say OK but he would feel hurt. So I REALLY CANT make the decision based on MY BOYFRIENDS OPINION ON THAT. But you are right that a good measure for me could be to imagine whether I would be ok with him doing something like that. Yes, I wouldnt be ok with that. So this best thing is really not to go. I mean before I wrote here I hadnt been decided yet. I was very indifferent to whether to go or not to go. I just needed somebody to "push me the right way". Link to post Share on other sites
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