Dumpers who come crawling back after G.I.G.S

[Kevin_D]

I've thought about dumpers who come crawling back after G.I.G.S for some time. It doesn't really matter if you believe in G.I.G.S or not. The important factors are that the dumper leaves a LTR because she believes she can get something better and that there were no major issues with the relationship. The dumper usually says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" or something like that. This made me think. What they're basically saying is that the their partner feels more like a family member/friend and that the spark is gone. They're trading comfort for infatuation. I can somehow understand why they do that.

 

But then I think of my own defintion of love. If I am sad, my parents are sad. They want me to succeed, they want me to happy and they're are willing to help me without wanting anything back. That's because they love me.

 

Yet, many dumpers (at least among those who fit the G.I.G.S description) often act cocky, tries to win the post-breakup battle, talk about how happy they are and so on. I've read many threads were dumpers have explained their feelings and it's always the same thing:

 

She leaves and have other guys lined up. She feels really happy and doesn't look back. At the same time the ex feels like crap and begs and pleads. After a while, she realise that the new guys aren't actually more fun than her ex. Then she discovers that her ex has finally moved on, and then it hits her like a ton of bricks: She wants her ex back! That's the one she really loves! She is cured!

 

But the thing that strikes me with this stories is, that the dumper seems to be happy as long as she gets what SHE want. If she enjoys being single or get together with somebody else, she doesn't care a single bit about how her ex is feeling. It's not until the realises that her ex was a batter catch than the new guys, that she actually starts to care about his feelings. But that's not love, that's a strategy. If you go to a job interview, you try to be nice, not because you actually care about the boss, but because you want the job.

 

So the question is... Are they really cured? Or do they just apologize because they realise that's a crucial step if they want to get back?

 

I would love to hear your opinion on this. Hopefully some dumpers that fit the definition of G.I.G.S can shed some light on this.

[pickflicker]

I think GIGS is a real thing. I suppose if I've dumped someone because I've decided I no longer want to date them, that is a case of GIGS, I don't know (in all honesty, I didn't know it was a phenomenon until I came here. Much like I didn't know NC was a 'thing', I just always did it naturally). For those that come back, I suppose it comes from the fact that dating is hard, and starting anew with someone else is hard, and they think that because they did the 'legwork', in the previous relationship, that it'll somehow be easier. The problem is, once you break up with someone, what you had with them is dead, and if you want to start something with them again, it starts from the beginning.

 

The chances for reconciliation, most of the time, are so minute that there's no point going back. The lesson is, before you dump someone, be sure it's exactly what you want, because torturing your ex with a wishy-washy attitude is just mean.

[Kevin_D]

For those that come back, I suppose it comes from the fact that dating is hard, and starting anew with someone else is hard, and they think that because they did the 'legwork', in the previous relationship, that it'll somehow be easier.

 

Exactly. Posts from G.I.G.S victims will often read like this:

 

"I was so selfish and only cared about myself. I loved my new lifestyle and promised myself that I would never get back. Then one day I saw a picture of my ex with his new girlfriend and it hit me that I still love him. That's when I realised how terrible I had treated him and wanted to do anything to make things okay again."

 

Isn't this G.I.G.S as well? They want what they can't get at the moment and their willing to basically anything to get it. Yes, if they realise how lucky they should be for meeting such a great guy, they might stay forever.

 

But the question remains: Do they feel bad because they are truly sorry for the pain that they have caused, or do they feel bad simply because they realise that the old deal was better after all?

[pickflicker]

Exactly. Posts from G.I.G.S victims will often read like this:

 

"I was so selfish and only cared about myself. I loved my new lifestyle and promised myself that I would never get back. Then one day I saw a picture of my ex with his new girlfriend and it hit me that I still love him. That's when I realised how terrible I had treated him and wanted to do anything to make things okay again."

 

Isn't this G.I.G.S as well? They want what they can't get at the moment and their willing to basically anything to get it. Yes, if they realise how lucky they should be for meeting such a great guy, they might stay forever.

 

But the question remains: Do they feel bad because they are truly sorry for the pain that they have caused, or do they feel bad simply because they realise that the old deal was better after all?

 

I think how each individual feels, is how they feel. Some will experience genuine remorse. Others will not. It depends on the individual.

[rosedl]

What does GIGS mean?

[Kevin_D]

What does GIGS mean?

 

Grass Is Greener Syndrome. It's basically when, most commonly a woman, leaves, not because she's unhappy, but because she thinks that she could do better.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

[LostConfused123]

What does GIGS mean?

Grass is greener syndrome.

I'm 42. LOL! didn't know either

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

That phrase is a gift and curse on this site.

 

Do I agree its a human emotion to feel that there is something or someone better out there for us? Yes, of course. That's what makes us human. I think we're always going to have that. So, yes stuff like "G.I.G.S." probably exist.

 

With that said, WAY too many users on try to justify an ex leaving because of this "condition" as if its a short term excuse that they will grow out of and come back. I do not like this because it gives SO many people on here false hopes. Most ex's leave because they just lost feelings plain and simple. Could have been going on for a while, could have been sped up from someone else...whatever. If the feelings were truly still there, they would have no reason to leave.

 

Could they realize their mistake after the fact? Yeah, of course, but usually unlikely...

 

My .02

[singme2sleep]

Grass Is Greener Syndrome. It's basically when, most commonly a woman, leaves, not because she's unhappy, but because she thinks that she could do better.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

Honestly I don't think it's fair to blame women. GIGS is not gender specific but more about the individual.

[pickflicker]

Honestly I don't think it's fair to blame women. GIGS is not gender specific but more about the individual.

 

Agreed. Look at how many women come on here to talk about their boyfriend leaving them, and the devestation.

[Kevin_D]

That phrase is a gift and curse on this site.

 

Do I agree its a human emotion to feel that there is something or someone better out there for us? Yes, of course. That's what makes us human. I think we're always going to have that. So, yes stuff like "G.I.G.S." probably exist.

 

With that said, WAY too many users on try to justify an ex leaving because of this "condition" as if its a short term excuse that they will grow out of and come back. I do not like this because it gives SO many people on here false hopes. Most ex's leave because they just lost feelings plain and simple. Could have been going on for a while, could have been sped up from someone else...whatever. If the feelings were truly still there, they would have no reason to leave.

 

Could they realize their mistake after the fact? Yeah, of course, but usually unlikely...

 

My .02

 

Yeah, I agree with you. But like I said, it doesn't really matter if you believe in G.I.G.S. or not.

 

Let's take an example:

 

I meet a really beautiful and caring girl when I am 20. The next 9 years are the best years of my life. We experience the world together. We are inseperatable. When I lose my father, she's there for me all the time and comforts me.

 

But on the 10th year together, things start to change. My girlfriend loses her job and gets really depressed. As a result, she gains weight and spends most of her time on the couch. We don't have fun together and I'm no longer attracted to her.

 

I, on the other, get a promotion. There are several hot, funny girls in their early 20's who pursue me at the office. So I ask myself:

 

"I'm turning 30 this year. Do I want to spend my life with a fat cow who doesn't seem to enjoy life and never leaves the couch, or do I want to date these super gorgeous, funny girls at the office?"

 

There are several ways to look at this:

 

a) Since she doesn't seem to have the willpower to take control of her life, I'd better leave right now. Otherwise it's just a waste of time, since the relationship is going nowhere.

 

b) Although I'm not happy at all, I will try to endure for a few years. She was really supportive when I was down a few years ago and it's only natural to return the favour. Who knows, maybe in time, she can become her old self again.

 

c). After 9 years together, I love this woman so deeply and I will do anything to help her. One bad year together can't change not. Not even 10 bad years could change that. No, I'm not having fun at the moment, but she is in more pain than I am. And though it's tempting, I wouldn't have fun with the new girls when I know that the one I've loved for so long is hurting.

 

When people go through G.I.G.S., they most likely fit description a). Some claim that going through G.I.G.S. make people grow up. But the thing is, even if they realise that what they had was the best deal for them, these are still selfish reasons.

 

But, if they actually realise that their ex isn't perfect and might not even be the best deal they can get, but still want to get back... and are prepared do go trough bad times together, then getting back together might not be a bad idea after all.

 

So my question is, do most G.I.G.S. victims that want back come to this realisation? Or are they still just as selfish?

 

Finally, I think women are more prone to go through G.I.G.S. because they generally are more aware of their options. As a guy who is only moderately good-looking, I can't tell if a woman wants me until I actually start to flirt with her. Most woman will get attention from guys whether they want it or not.

Edited January 22, 2014 by Kevin_D

[Ordinaryday]

posts like this are hurtful because they will just give you false hope.

 

I am sorry to say, but a lot of dumpers NEVER come back, particularly female ones! Why? because after dumping you they felt bad for a little while but then went out and met someone else who they thought was 'better' for them, and since this new guy is showering them with the old care and attention that you used to SHE HAS FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU, pretty much.

 

She doesn't need you - I know you always used to be 'there' for her and all that, but she has a new guy now who is doing the same thing you used to so she doesn't need you to give her attention as her new guy is doing that for her.

 

I got dumped and this girl had told me she loved me and needed me and cared about me, I WAS CERTAIN I would hear from her a few months down the line... but nope, never heard from her again.

 

I am sorry, but posts about dumpers coming back are dangerous because they give people false hope. odds are your dumper IS NOT coming back EVER and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can try and move on with your life.

[ravssss]

Yeah, I agree with you. But like I said, it doesn't really matter if you believe in G.I.G.S. or not.

 

Let's take an example:

 

I meet a really beautiful and caring girl when I am 20. The next 9 years are the best years of my life. We experience the world together. We are inseperatable. When I lose my father, she's there for me all the time and comforts me.

 

But on the 10th year together, things start to change. My girlfriend loses her job and gets really depressed. As a result, she gains weight and spends most of her time on the couch. We don't have fun together and I'm no longer attracted to her.

 

I, on the other, get a promotion. There are several hot, funny girls in their early 20's who pursue me at the office. So I ask myself:

 

"I'm turning 30 this year. Do I want to spend my life with a fat cow who doesn't seem to enjoy life and never leaves the couch, or do I want to date these super gorgeous, funny girls at the office?"

 

There are several ways to look at this:

 

a) Since she doesn't seem to have the willpower to take control of her life, I'd better leave right now. Otherwise it's just a waste of time, since the relationship is going nowhere.

 

b) Although I'm not happy at all, I will try to endure for a few years. She was really supportive when I was down a few years ago and it's only natural to return the favour. Who knows, maybe in time, she can become her old self again.

 

c). After 9 years together, I love this woman so deeply and I will do anything to help her. One bad year together can't change not. Not even 10 bad years could change that. No, I'm not having fun at the moment, but she is in more pain than I am. And though it's tempting, I wouldn't have fun with the new girls when I know that the one I've loved for so long is hurting.

 

When people go through G.I.G.S., they most likely fit description a). Some claim that going through G.I.G.S. make people grow up. But the thing is, even if they realise that what they had was the best deal for them, these are still selfish reasons.

 

But, if they actually realise that their ex isn't perfect and might not even be the best deal they can get, but still want to get back... and are prepared do go trough bad times together, then getting back together might not be a bad idea after all.

 

So my question is, do most G.I.G.S. victims that want back come to this realisation? Or are they still just as selfish?

 

Finally, I think women are more prone to go through G.I.G.S. because they generally are more aware of their options. As a guy who is only moderately good-looking, I can't tell if a woman wants me until I actually start to flirt with her. Most woman will get attention from guys whether they want it or not.

 

GIGS is justified if one had been honest abt no commitment ..

 

once upon a time ... my definition of love was to accept a person completely when ur in love and never be judgmental for materialistic things like her looks etc ....

 

but now ... it has turned into something like ... have fun and all that unconditional love is all bull**** ... i can see that only in my family and few true friends ... because once ur in love it can never be unconditional its either make or break ..

[Kevin_D]

posts like this are hurtful because they will just give you false hope.

 

I am sorry to say, but a lot of dumpers NEVER come back, particularly female ones! Why? because after dumping you they felt bad for a little while but then went out and met someone else who they thought was 'better' for them, and since this new guy is showering them with the old care and attention that you used to SHE HAS FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU, pretty much.

 

She doesn't need you - I know you always used to be 'there' for her and all that, but she has a new guy now who is doing the same thing you used to so she doesn't need you to give her attention as her new guy is doing that for her.

 

I got dumped and this girl had told me she loved me and needed me and cared about me, I WAS CERTAIN I would hear from her a few months down the line... but nope, never heard from her again.

 

I am sorry, but posts about dumpers coming back are dangerous because they give people false hope. odds are your dumper IS NOT coming back EVER and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can try and move on with your life.

 

I'm so sick and tired of this. This thread is not about whether dumpers come back or not. This thread is not about whether reconciliations are a good idea or not. Perhaps we should replace this forum with a single post:

 

"Go NC. Stop hoping. Move on. Exercise. You will find someone better."

 

Because really, if you write anything else, someone will show up and say "Hey, you're giving people false hope! That's not good!".

 

Can we PLEASE focus on the topic? It's a very simple question:

 

- Can people who leave for egoistic reasons ever become altruistic?

 

Because in my world, real love is about altruism. You are willing to sacrifice some of your own happiness if that makes the one you love happy, which in turn creates a powerful bond between you.

 

This isn't just about reconciliations. If I date a woman who dumped her ex out of the blue, I would like to know if she actually became more emotionally mature and learend to value altruism during G.I.G.S.

[Philosoraptor]

Grass Is Greener Syndrome. It's basically when, most commonly a woman, leaves, not because she's unhappy, but because she thinks that she could do better.

 

Wouldn't someone who thought they could do better, but came back because it didn't work out, simply be settling for you? In that case taking them back would simply be cementing yourself as a backup option as they either would still believe they could do better... and be a ticking timebomb... or settling that even though they want more you're about the best they can do. Just a sad thought, man.

 

It's about learning to commit and work through things rather than bailing out at the sign of trouble, not about whether they can do better or not.

[hippetyhop]

Wouldn't someone who thought they could do better, but came back because it didn't work out, simply be settling for you? In that case taking them back would simply be cementing yourself as a backup option as they either would still believe they could do better... and be a ticking timebomb... or settling that even though they want more you're about the best they can do. Just a sad thought, man.

 

It's about learning to commit and work through things rather than bailing out at the sign of trouble, not about whether they can do better or not.

 

Isn't life also about learning lessons? Can't GIGS be a life learning lesson and not necessarily about "settling" if the person would like another chance. Some relationships end amicably; some do not. Don't some people who drift apart and need time/space away from each other come back because they weren't aware of how well they were actually treated? Doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder? Perhaps in the new R it goes beyond being treated well and just know they can't trust that person, or just a gut feeling of something isn't right?

[organizedchaos]

Wouldn't someone who thought they could do better, but came back because it didn't work out, simply be settling for you? In that case taking them back would simply be cementing yourself as a backup option as they either would still believe they could do better... and be a ticking timebomb... or settling that even though they want more you're about the best they can do. Just a sad thought, man.

 

It's about learning to commit and work through things rather than bailing out at the sign of trouble, not about whether they can do better or not.

 

 

 

Or they realized you were the best thing to happen to them and they don't want to settle for anything less???

[hippetyhop]

Or they realized you were the best thing to happen to them and they don't want to settle for anything less???

 

Perhaps GIGS can benefit the dumpee for them to venture and not settle.

[Philosoraptor]

Isn't life also about learning lessons? Can't GIGS be a life learning lesson and not necessarily about "settling" if the person would like another chance. Some relationships end amicably; some do not. Don't some people who drift apart and need time/space away from each other come back because they weren't aware of how well they were actually treated? Doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder? Perhaps in the new R it goes beyond being treated well and just know they can't trust that person, or just a gut feeling of something isn't right?

 

Or they realized you were the best thing to happen to them and they don't want to settle for anything less???

To the above posts:

 

My response was specifically aimed towards the OP's comment about those who leave because they think they can do better. And yes, someone who thinks they can do better and leaves, then comes back, completes the definition for settling.

 

There is a huge disparity between wanting to see what the rest of the world has to offer and specifically leaving because you think you can do better than what your current partner is offering you. Leaving someone because you feel you can do better has nothing to do with "GIGS", it's a conscious choice and takes forethought.

 

With that said, WAY too many users on try to justify an ex leaving because of this "condition" as if its a short term excuse that they will grow out of and come back. I do not like this because it gives SO many people on here false hopes. Most ex's leave because they just lost feelings plain and simple. Could have been going on for a while, could have been sped up from someone else...whatever. If the feelings were truly still there, they would have no reason to leave.

 

As the above poster said, the heartbroken look for excuses rather than facts. Silly terms allow for false hope, extend heartbreak, and delay healing. The only fact is that for some reason or another this person decided they do not want to be with you anymore. Their reasonings aren't yours to control or change. They made a decision and the only thing one can control is what they do with their found singlehood.

 

No amount of hope or fairytales of you being their true love or them snapping out of it changes the current fact, they made a choice to leave you. It wasn't forced on them and they could have chosen differently... but they chose to leave you. At that point your focus needn't be on what they did or how to get them back... but on how to best improve your life and yourself so that your next relationship does have the opportunity to last. If it is a new relationship with your ex, great; in your time apart focusing on yourself you will have grown and hopefully they have as well. If your next relationship is with someone else, great; either way you will have a better understanding of yourself and how to be your best for yourself and in a future relationship.

[Saurren]

I somewhat agree and disagree with G.I.G.S and maybe it happened to me, but IMO the person coming back can't be cured. There was nothing to be cured in the first place.

[Never Again]

G.I.G.S. is simply an umbrella term for sudden, confusing breakups where there was a lack of effective communication about existing or potential problems. In other words, immaturity coupled with a desire for excitement and a need for instant gratification.

 

Many relationships are entirely emotionally based, but there are reasons behind these. "Losing their feelings" can happen due to stress, negativity, growing apart, or just boredom. I think boredom is the most common, personally, but also the most pathetic reason to "fall out of love" as it's so fixable.

 

People only want to work on relationships when they feel compelled to, but the second feelings cool down or things get rough, people want to bail. We're conditioned on fairy tales of passion that lasts forever with no fading and no work required. We're told that we'll "just know" when we've met "the one" and it'll be a magical and exciting whirlwind, where everything is easy and you sh*t ice-cream.

 

People who run off believing this, and then come back when they receive a ride awakening, are rare. I wouldn't label them as selfish I guess, because everyone stays in relationships for selfish reasons. Maybe you'll make temporary sacrifices, but no one wants to permanently take care of their partner.

[pickflicker]

I'm so sick and tired of this. This thread is not about whether dumpers come back or not. This thread is not about whether reconciliations are a good idea or not. Perhaps we should replace this forum with a single post:

 

"Go NC. Stop hoping. Move on. Exercise. You will find someone better."

 

Because really, if you write anything else, someone will show up and say "Hey, you're giving people false hope! That's not good!".

 

Can we PLEASE focus on the topic? It's a very simple question:

 

- Can people who leave for egoistic reasons ever become altruistic?

 

Because in my world, real love is about altruism. You are willing to sacrifice some of your own happiness if that makes the one you love happy, which in turn creates a powerful bond between you.

 

This isn't just about reconciliations. If I date a woman who dumped her ex out of the blue, I would like to know if she actually became more emotionally mature and learend to value altruism during G.I.G.S.

 

Real love isn't about sacrifice. Real love is about compromise. There is a big difference.

[Kevin_D]

Real love isn't about sacrifice. Real love is about compromise. There is a big difference.

 

Okay, so let say you dream about travelling around the world with the one you love. Then one day he/she is hit by a car and gets paralyzed from the neck down and ****s his/her pants all the time. Don't tell me that you want have to make some sacrifices to make this work. And no, you running off on 3-year trip with a buddy instead is not compromising.

 

My brother found love on the other side of the world and she moved her with him. She rarely gets to see her family and friends. That's a sacrifice.

 

Of course I know that there are some real assclowns out there that believe that you should be able to almost anything you want in a relationship as long as it's not cheating. I had a girlfriend like this once. She could suddenly say something like "You know what would be fun? To live in Spain for a year or two" and if I didn't like the idea, she would always accuse me of being a bad boyfriend.

 

People need to stop searching for happiness all the time. We have become obsessed with happiness. Most likely you'll find happiness in your backyard. We need to start appreciating what we have, instead of yearning for what we don't have.

[pickflicker]

Okay, so let say you dream about travelling around the world with the one you love. Then one day he/she is hit by a car and gets paralyzed from the neck down and ****s his/her pants all the time. Don't tell me that you want have to make some sacrifices to make this work. And no, you running off on 3-year trip with a buddy instead is not compromising.

 

My brother found love on the other side of the world and she moved her with him. She rarely gets to see her family and friends. That's a sacrifice.

 

Of course I know that there are some real assclowns out there that believe that you should be able to almost anything you want in a relationship as long as it's not cheating. I had a girlfriend like this once. She could suddenly say something like "You know what would be fun? To live in Spain for a year or two" and if I didn't like the idea, she would always accuse me of being a bad boyfriend.

 

People need to stop searching for happiness all the time. We have become obsessed with happiness. Most likely you'll find happiness in your backyard. We need to start appreciating what we have, instead of yearning for what we don't have.

 

Quoting the extreme example is not an automatic demonstration of real love. Those extreme examples don't happen to the majority of people, so saying they apply to love full stop, doesn't work. For the majority of couples, they will live a fairly uneventful life. And for the majority of couples, making compromises is what their romantic life is about. And their love isn't less 'real' because of it. They give the other room to grow and change and better themselves.

 

You keep quoting an all or nothing extreme. Love isn't like that. It's not black and white.

[Kevin_D]

Quoting the extreme example is not an automatic demonstration of real love. Those extreme examples don't happen to the majority of people, so saying they apply to love full stop, doesn't work. For the majority of couples, they will live a fairly uneventful life. And for the majority of couples, making compromises is what their romantic life is about. And their love isn't less 'real' because of it. They give the other room to grow and change and better themselves.

 

You keep quoting an all or nothing extreme. Love isn't like that. It's not black and white.

 

I agree that the goal should be to compromise, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices. When my ex's mother killed herself, that was not a very fun time for me. She was depressed and angry all the time. But I stood by her side, day and night. I stopped seing my friends, I fell behind... but I kept watching over her.

 

I remember that her dad was really surprised and asked me how I could have so much patience. But to me, it was the natural thing to do. I would be there for her as long as she needed me. As long as she was unhappy, I couldn't be happy.

 

It really doesn't matter if you call this a compromise or a sacrifice. The point is that you ALWAYS must be prepared to focus on your partner's happiness rather than your own.