Training/changing your sexual attraction?

[M30USA]

First of all, I want to clear up 2 things:

 

 

1) This belongs in the Spiritual section because my target audience is Christians or monotheistic religious people.

 

 

2) I'm not talking here about sex changes or becoming gay, etc, so let's get that off the table.

 

 

What I'm talking about here is...can you make a conscious choice to CHANGE the kind of person you are sexually attracted to? In my case, I have realized that the kind of woman who I am physically attracted to is the absolute WORST for me on a spiritual level and marriage level. This is possibly due to my experience with porn which, thankfully, I have learned to control. (You can disagree that porn is wrong and that's your opinion but it's not the purpose of my thread.)

 

 

But getting back to my point, I have learned that "average looking" women tend to have the best character--the kind that I'd like to marry. Yet I'm still physically attracted to...how shall I put it...biotches? I will admit this.

 

 

I think I need to retrain my mind. Is this possible? The first step I made was to eliminate porn. I can see this has made a big difference. I have started to not view women merely physically. The longer I've been away from it, the more I can see their personality sort of "blend" with their appearance. This is what I was hoping for.

 

 

Still, as a man, I am visual. And I'm concerned that I won't be physically attracted to a woman whose character I am attracted to. I have already made my mind that character is NOW the most important thing to me--considering my failed marriage to a woman who, in my opinion, was physically beautiful. I saw how far that got me. Not far.

 

 

But even though I've decided that character is the most important thing, I still have to deal with INSTINCTS. So what I'm asking is: can a person TRAIN their instincts? Any pyschologists here?

[AnyaNova]

The bridge effect can do marvelous things.

 

Our bodies are fantastic at recognizing physiologic arousal, but utter crap at identifying the cause. If say, you experience it due to, riding a rollercoaster together, going to a "haunted" house, watching a scary movie together, your mind will automatically attribute that arousal, not to the actual precipitating activity, but to that Hottie or hot dude next to you (and by that time, unless they are truly very physically unattractive, they will be, to you anyway). :-)

 

So if you know a woman that you find of great character, and who is reasonably pretty but not really "doing it for you" Find some way to get that adrenaline pumping, that also gets hers pumping as well. Rollercoasters, sky-diving, or for some of us really super low threshold of stimulation people, going to a loud bar for like, 10 minutes!

 

Truth be told (and if, ex, on the off chance you have actually found me and are reading this post, I apologize upfront) I really thought that my ex was a little funny looking until some frisbee, an exciting discovery on my part, and the bridge effect and a little later an arm around my shoulder and Bob's your uncle, I accepted his offer of exclusivity and had a boyfriend who I by then, thought was the absolute cutest and most handsome ever!

 

Which BTW-- for those of you who are thinking of leaving partners due to ILYBNILWY. Think about the uses for the above. For rekindling your current relationship! Not getting all fluttery for someone new.

Edited January 22, 2014 by AnyaNova
Just clarifying a thought.

[d0nnivain]

Yes, I think it's possible especially if your preference comes from a fake place like porn.

 

 

You can remind yourself that people who look like sex industry workers tend to look a certain way because they underwent medical changes to their bodies . . . breast augmentation, labia shaving etc. Then remind yourself of how God made people look. Try to see women for their inner rather than outer selves.

[CaliGypsy]

I don't see why you can't .. Try focusing on qualities you admire and are attracted to that are not physical. Sense of humor, kindness, whatever it is you want. I think even if you aren't immediately attracted like you are to someone in a physical way, at some point you will look beyond that and realize that hey, yes, I'm attracted to this person.. Develop a mind connection ,and look beyond the superficial and you'll realize that you want to express yourself to this person physically.

 

I think you can do this absolutely . You just have to realize it might not be that immediate, gut wrenching feeling. Just be patient.

 

There is this guy I work with .. Not classically good looking I wouldn't choose him on sight you know?. But you talk to him and he is so witty and funny I think wow, he'd be lovely to go out with . The kind of person you could see yourself in a relationship with . Because at the end of the day, if you can find someone that makes you laugh like that all the time.. He/she are a keeper!

[Tiger Lily]

Focusing on the exterior won't get you the partner you're looking for. Trust me, there are average and below-average-looking women who are mean, contentious, selfish, etc. etc. etc.

 

Keep your focus on God, and ask God to provide a partner, if it's His will. Anytime you meet a potential mate, ask God if a relationship with her will glorify God and if it's what God wants for you. Stay grounded in lots of prayer, and keep searching for God's will in your life.

 

Through prayer, yes, I think God can change our "instincts", or at least help guide us to what it the most beneficial path for our lives (not always the easiest path though!). There are proactive steps you can take too, like talking with a Christian counselor or pastor. It might help to get to the bottom of WHY your "instincts" lead you to certain women. Maybe get some clarity on how your past has shaped who you are...?

[NYC-BigKat]

First of all, I want to clear up 2 things:

 

 

1) This belongs in the Spiritual section because my target audience is Christians or monotheistic religious people.

 

 

2) I'm not talking here about sex changes or becoming gay, etc, so let's get that off the table.

 

 

What I'm talking about here is...can you make a conscious choice to CHANGE the kind of person you are sexually attracted to? In my case, I have realized that the kind of woman who I am physically attracted to is the absolute WORST for me on a spiritual level and marriage level. This is possibly due to my experience with porn which, thankfully, I have learned to control. (You can disagree that porn is wrong and that's your opinion but it's not the purpose of my thread.)

 

 

But getting back to my point, I have learned that "average looking" women tend to have the best character--the kind that I'd like to marry. Yet I'm still physically attracted to...how shall I put it...biotches? I will admit this.

 

 

I think I need to retrain my mind. Is this possible? The first step I made was to eliminate porn. I can see this has made a big difference. I have started to not view women merely physically. The longer I've been away from it, the more I can see their personality sort of "blend" with their appearance. This is what I was hoping for.

 

 

Still, as a man, I am visual. And I'm concerned that I won't be physically attracted to a woman whose character I am attracted to. I have already made my mind that character is NOW the most important thing to me--considering my failed marriage to a woman who, in my opinion, was physically beautiful. I saw how far that got me. Not far.

 

 

But even though I've decided that character is the most important thing, I still have to deal with INSTINCTS. So what I'm asking is: can a person TRAIN their instincts? Any pyschologists here?

 

 

My mom once told me to leave the really really pretty girls alone & to give the avg ones a chance but I don't find them attractive either u know. If I see a avg girl in the face with a great body then I become attracted but I notice those girls are always in good relationships by guys that dropped the real pretty ones for something almost as pretty if that makes sense.

[jba10582]

her looks matter to keep you wanting to have sex with her, and often it can mean she is slightly more secure in THAT regard, BUT, attitude, outlook on life, behaviors and interactions while you live together mean so much more in the long run, and no matter what she looks like, it means so much less when it starts to interfere with the coexistence, mutuality, the happiness, the playfulness, and your very BEING, which is so much more valuable than whatever external form she takes on.

[dichotomy]

I am not sure I understand - are you saying average looking girls have better character? Or hot looking ones are nasty?

 

I am not sure their is an correlation here. But character is very important - good loving relationships certainly happen with people who are not selfish, superficial, or narcissistic. Perhaps you need to look inward as well. What type of man are you? What makes you attractive as a mate?

Edited January 22, 2014 by dichotomy

[Emilia]

But even though I've decided that character is the most important thing, I still have to deal with INSTINCTS. So what I'm asking is: can a person TRAIN their instincts? Any pyschologists here?

I'm not a psychologist of course but I am familiar with your challenges discussed on BPD threads.

 

It's about being much more conscious of what draws you to a woman, how you relate to her, trying to intellectualise it and walk away from the emotionally unstable. I'm sure you are perfectly capable of being attracted to emotionally healthy women you find attractive. It's just that you have to make yourself walk away when you recognise that the other person isn't good for you. Rather than persist.

[M30USA]

I am not sure I understand - are you saying average looking girls have better character? Or hot looking ones are nasty?

 

I am not sure their is an correlation here. But character is very important - good loving relationships certainly happen with people who are not selfish, superficial, or narcissistic. Perhaps you need to look inward as well. What type of man are you? What makes you attractive as a mate?

 

Yes.

 

From my observation, with more than 95% accuracy, the "hot" women are nasty. Same applies to equivalent men.

 

I'm standing by this observation and I'm fully ready to debate it. I think you should just take a look around and just be honest with yourself before you start.

 

Humans are all corrupt--myself included. The more we have been given by god in terms of looks, money, etc, the more we abuse it. I would, too, if I was a rich "smokin hot" man. I'm actually thankful that I'm not.

[happydate]

First of all, I want to clear up 2 things:

 

 

1) This belongs in the Spiritual section because my target audience is Christians or monotheistic religious people.

 

 

2) I'm not talking here about sex changes or becoming gay, etc, so let's get that off the table.

 

 

What I'm talking about here is...can you make a conscious choice to CHANGE the kind of person you are sexually attracted to? In my case, I have realized that the kind of woman who I am physically attracted to is the absolute WORST for me on a spiritual level and marriage level. This is possibly due to my experience with porn which, thankfully, I have learned to control. (You can disagree that porn is wrong and that's your opinion but it's not the purpose of my thread.)

 

 

But getting back to my point, I have learned that "average looking" women tend to have the best character--the kind that I'd like to marry. Yet I'm still physically attracted to...how shall I put it...biotches? I will admit this.

 

 

I think I need to retrain my mind. Is this possible? The first step I made was to eliminate porn. I can see this has made a big difference. I have started to not view women merely physically. The longer I've been away from it, the more I can see their personality sort of "blend" with their appearance. This is what I was hoping for.

 

 

Still, as a man, I am visual. And I'm concerned that I won't be physically attracted to a woman whose character I am attracted to. I have already made my mind that character is NOW the most important thing to me--considering my failed marriage to a woman who, in my opinion, was physically beautiful. I saw how far that got me. Not far.

 

 

But even though I've decided that character is the most important thing, I still have to deal with INSTINCTS. So what I'm asking is: can a person TRAIN their instincts? Any pyschologists here?

 

I faced this issue(s) long ago and just like you, I was heavily addicted to porn and sex. Which was why I shunned GOD in my younger years because of this. And that my early actions defied the very definition of what GOD represents us and I mocked him and ridiculed him. But it didn't get better as you age. The relationships get nastier and the women get more self-centered and selfish. It doesn't matter which -- I dated and slept with thin slim gorgeous as well as with a whale and no matter how I tried to change my perspective, I ALWAYS ended up with the same type of women.

 

First of all, you can not avoid sex and the urges to masturbate and watch porn. Satan and Lucifer are good at doing this to us, tempt us to sin and our cultural ways of promoting sex. Just look at the Catholic diety who shunned sex and called it a sin. Now the karma is coming back to them in cases of sexual harassment. Sex for a male is the means to propagate. It's a human bodily function and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Just accept the consequences of the fact.

 

I told my problems to 2 of my trusted loving friends; one happens to be a Catholic and other is an Atheist (women). Almost immediately they told me that the women I dated were toxic but that I was also as well! That shocked me!! Those comments obviously didn't sink in with me very well the first I heard it. I was angry then. How dare they accused me of being angry, selfish and self-centered. Later on, I became to wake up and realized I was equally self-centered and selfish -- thank god they were honest. I didn't even know that I was! That was the wake up call for me.

 

I always blamed the women, but I suppose that sometimes people around you are afraid of giving honest feedback of who you really are, because they don't possess your own EGO. They also told me that I was not loved, not cared for and I was craving for some attention and some love from others -- which was why I looked for sex and porn, thinking from that avenue I get love. But it's not long lasting, because that is only physical love. Only unconditional love (divine love) is long lasting.

 

What I noticed in myself was I was always bitter, alone and incomplete and that I was always angry towards people who wronged me and how unfairly I was treated that I wasn't willing to forgive. The women I attracted sort of mirrored exactly my inner conditions.

 

But once I changed my inner conditions (this takes a long long time), forgive myself and accept myself and live my life to the fullest is when my outer conditions started to change. I date the same kind of women, beautiful and average and guess what, they are no longer selfish and self-centered. In fact, the selfish and self-centered avoid me it's not even funny. Fantastic!! I come across women who are happy, funny, kind and interestingly enough to be spiritually motivated. I DID NOT NEED to change my outer conditions, for my inner conditions were the cause of my previous problems. Once your inner conditions reflect the Kingdom of God is when God truly will help you and listen to you and will make changes to your outer conditions.

 

GOD always send people who you are happy with. If you are always angry towards certain individuals, and you did not forgive them, you will continually be presented with individuals who will mirror your inner conditions to give you a lesson that hopefully one day you will learn. God will pray for you for your eventual enlightenment, because the path to love is only answered with the path to God and the path to God is not with anger, anxiety and depression and belittling people who don't agree with you. To learn to love all human beings, be it good or bad and to forgive those who wronged you completely.

 

Try it!

 

Blessings..

Edited January 23, 2014 by happydate

[M30USA]

Good post, happydate.

 

I tell you what, of all the benefits which I've experienced since cutting out porn, the biggest benefit wasn't even expected: my confidence has gone up. I don't understand the connection but there has to be a reason. I just feel better at work, more relaxed, and it's easier for me to talk with people now.

 

Also...

 

I believe the Holy Spirit has revealed to me that PART of the reason for my failed marriage was God chastising me for my porn problem. It's very subtle how he works sometimes. It's my own fault for getting paired up with a toxic person. As you said, we were drawn to each other because of my toxicity.

Edited January 24, 2014 by M30USA

[pie2]

It's my own fault for getting paired up with a toxic person. As you said, we were drawn to each other because of my toxicity.

 

 

Oh. My. GOODNESS!!!! M30, I'm actually tearing up reading this!! I've been praying for the day when I read something along these lines from you . This is seriously impressive . Recognizing a pattern within yourself is the first step towards a change.

 

 

Thank you for posting...