Curious.. WHY are so many men players? What causes it? Whats the benefit?

[mea_M]

Not really. In order to be a player you have to have a big ego to begin with.

What man you know with low self esteem is a player?

 

I might have typed that wrong. I meant large ego not low self esteem.

 

 

Mea

[soccerrprp]

Well, don't give him any more attention. If there is one thing players love other than sex, that is attention.

 

Simply put, just use NC and move on with your life.

 

nothing more to be said really...

[TheGuard13]

A very small percentage of men are "players". I don't particularly see anything impressive about it, to be honest. As has been pointed out, anyone can lie and manipulate.

 

 

Although, a lot of the "he lied to me and deceived me" posts I see tend to boil down to "his feelings changed and I didn't like that".

 

 

Which happens. Just because he didn't want what you wanted when you wanted it or his feelings for you changed doesn't make him a bad person, or a player, or a user, or any of that.

[what_a_blonde]

I think players make it hard on the rest of the males who aren't just after sex. As a young man, the one thing I always believed in was honesty. I wasn't out for a relationship, and I only wanted to casually date because I was still trying to find myself. Women knew this from the moment they approached me.

I had sex really young so of course it was something I desired, but I never lied or manipulated to get it. I always told the truth, was upfront and would go out with a girl even if she felt sex wasn't possible due to her own value system at the time. I enjoyed women's company and if sparks flew and we had sex, better yet. I was always straight with them that sex wouldn't change my feelings about a LTR or them. Most initiated sex with me. Most guys aren't players and are upfront with women but they think they can change our minds and change us and that is naive.

Players are uncouth and crass IMO and have a lot to answer for with all the people they hurt, not just girls but the guys who miss out on good girls who cease to trust due to these jokers.

This guy really doesn't seem like a player but like someone who enjoyed the chase and then decided you weren't compatible once you got to know each other. Have you asked him his motivation and thoughts on why he broke up?

G

 

It wasn't really a "break up" per say, it was more of a situation where I decided to stop being available to him.

 

Back story........ after we had being seeing eachother casually and intimate for a couple months (after about 2-3 times of intimacy), when I tried to get clarity on what "this" was and whether our sex was exclusive... he freaked out. He basically told me that he had told me from the beginning this was only supposed to be "two friends having fun"... when in reality he never said that . He had told me in the bginning how much he'd always wanted to be with me and saw me as someone he could be with and wanted to be with ever since meeting me... blah blah.

 

I just got tired of him making it look like he was completely transparent about us from the start, making me feel like the dummy because he kept saying "well I told you from the start", when he really, truly never said that. I consider myself a fairly competent and reasonable gal, so I'm not being delusional in thinking that he never told me that. Had he told me from the start I was only going to be his booty call... I would have said no way.

 

So you're right.. he changed his mind, however I wish he would have let me know in the beginning when he changed his mind- not wait until a couple months after we'd been seeing eachother and intimate. He was my friend in the beginning, so I just wish he would have given me the heads up if he was a "true" friend and saved my feelings and emotions. If he were a true friend (like he kept saying he was), I feel he would have backed off the moment he realized we weren't aligned but he kept it his own dirty little secret that the feelings had changed.

 

I was hurt, he didn't care, I finally saw him for what he was (still continuing to ONLY contact me late at night on the weekends- which says alot), so I went ahead and stopped all contact and told him not to contact me anymore.

 

Grumps- I think I've mentioned this in posts before... I liked your method and wish this guy were more aligned with you. Seems like you at least were a gentlemen enough to be up front with the women and tell them exactly what you were and weren't looking for from the start. That is awesome and I wish there were more out there like you who had a little more regard for others' feelings.

[what_a_blonde]

This guy isn't a "player" just because he didn't want a relationship with you...these men are the average joe you're talking about, they're just guys that aren't that into you, aren't necessarily looking for a commitment/relationship and doing whatever to avoid that while still getting what they want, which includes lying, manipulating you or coming off as the perfect guy with no intentions to settle into that relationship to get what he wants...those guys don't necessarily have any kind of particular "special" skills, you do most of the work for him, you see him as that "potential" then you develop feelings while honing in and on his great "qualities" and all of a sudden he's the next greatest thing on the planet, nothing extraordinary about him....and any guy can tell a woman what she wants to hear to get what he wants...women make that pretty clear and obvious, you'd have to be a pretty big idiot not to know what to say or do.

 

As far as why however men want to just "do that"...it's the most obvious answer ever, your vagina, your time, your heart (enough of it, they don't the whole thing)....in essence, the conquest of you.

 

Some say it's human nature for men to do this and this is just essentially survival of the fittest, others say it's just "some men" who are jerks, soulless hurtful creatures who wish nothing but to inflict nonsensical pain among their victims...but regardless I think one thing is true about people in general, they do what they do because of themselves...it is not a reflection of you (it doesn't mean you enable or make yourself available to these types of men if there's a pattern) but you're taking something "personal" that is his decision for himself...the collateral damage was you being hurt, but he "needed" to lie to you what he "wanted" and sacrificed your emotions to get it.

 

Very well said and something I needed to hear... been struggling with the "why's" and how did I allow this to happen? Because I really did put my heart out there and have trust in him, after all... we had been friends for over 2 years prior to this.

 

My guess is he was crushed by his LTR, said all those sweet things to me at a foggy time, then after a while decided he'd changed his mind about those things he told me... but never told me he changed his mind. :/ Anyway, you're right - its something within themselves and not us - that we need to remember.

 

Never imagined how a silly incident like this would have made me second guess my ability to read people and trust, and also what kind of a hit to my confidence/happiness it would have done.. but I'm slowly bouncing back and learning! Which is why I'm posting this... trying to determine the "why's'" and red flags I may have misssed.

 

However seems like there's not always red flags...

[RedRobin]

OP, you asked how you can avoid this in the future..

 

 

Even though he was a friend, it sounds like you didn't know him that well. How did he manage conflict before? Is he accountable for his actions? Is he honest even in situations where it might lead to him not getting something?

 

 

I'm not sure what this guy did to earn your friendship and trust, in other words.

 

 

OTOH, I do get it that some people act one way with friends/acquaintances and a completely different way with people they date. In those cases, it is best to make sure their dating behavior is consistent with what you knew or thought you knew about them before you viewed them as a romantic possibility.

[what_a_blonde]

OP, you asked how you can avoid this in the future..

 

 

Even though he was a friend, it sounds like you didn't know him that well. How did he manage conflict before? Is he accountable for his actions? Is he honest even in situations where it might lead to him not getting something?

 

 

I'm not sure what this guy did to earn your friendship and trust, in other words.

 

 

OTOH, I do get it that some people act one way with friends/acquaintances and a completely different way with people they date. In those cases, it is best to make sure their dating behavior is consistent with what you knew or thought you knew about them before you viewed them as a romantic possibility.

 

To address the questions above, yes I had always seen him come through and be accountable for his actions, however I guess I can definitely say I'm not sure as far as whether he was always honest. From what I could tell, yes he seemed to be that way but there is always a different side that I guess we don't know about.

 

As far as earning my friendship/trust we just always would talk about things on a daily basis in our lives, in a non romantic way, and worked together too (at different locations though but we would chat just about every day). He had a gf at first when I met him, and the fact that he was always transparent about the two of them, their future, etc., always made me think he had no intentions of anything else with me. I was ok with that, it was somewhat refreshing to have a good guy friend who I could just talk to about random stuff and not have to worry about it being misconstrued... Or so I thought.. Which is why it took me completely by surprise the night he made a move on me (they had broken off their engagement cause she cheated... And this was about 1.5 yrs after we had become friends ).

 

And it was all downhill from there I guess. Anyway, in this case I almost feel like his dating behavior is completely inconsistent with what I had seen him demonstrate prior.

[RedRobin]

And it was all downhill from there I guess. Anyway, in this case I almost feel like his dating behavior is completely inconsistent with what I had seen him demonstrate prior.

 

 

... and that is possible... I've dated two guys I met through activity groups. They seemed nice, honest... one of my best friends knew one of them and said he was a 'great guy'.

 

 

Well, they weren't great guys for a relationship at all. One of them was a huge liar (the 'great guy') and the second was just mean and a bit trashy.

 

 

... but I avoided your situation because I didn't sleep with them. I was still annoyed/pissed because I'd spent a lot of time getting to know them... but I didn't get the feeling I'd been 'played'.

 

 

I understand your sense of feeling betrayed... as you were more than acquaintances beforehand.

 

 

I wouldn't necessarily put this guy in the 'player' category... More like a confused rebounder. The outcome tends to be the same though... they create a lot of drama and hurt with their vagueness and lack of accountability. Try not to take it personally.

 

 

You did your part by asking questions and holding him accountable... and you didn't wait forever to do it. So you have nothing to be ashamed about.

[what_a_blonde]

... and that is possible... I've dated two guys I met through activity groups. They seemed nice, honest... one of my best friends knew one of them and said he was a 'great guy'.

 

 

Well, they weren't great guys for a relationship at all. One of them was a huge liar (the 'great guy') and the second was just mean and a bit trashy.

 

 

... but I avoided your situation because I didn't sleep with them. I was still annoyed/pissed because I'd spent a lot of time getting to know them... but I didn't get the feeling I'd been 'played'.

 

 

I understand your sense of feeling betrayed... as you were more than acquaintances beforehand.

 

 

I wouldn't necessarily put this guy in the 'player' category... More like a confused rebounder. The outcome tends to be the same though... they create a lot of drama and hurt with their vagueness and lack of accountability. Try not to take it personally.

 

 

You did your part by asking questions and holding him accountable... and you didn't wait forever to do it. So you have nothing to be ashamed about.

 

Very true, I guess the thoughts of him being a player stem from him knowing how I was emotionally invested in it.. Yet he carried on for a while before saying it was only friends all of a sudden in his eyes.

 

Guess that would amount to him playing games... But playing games and being an a$$ doesn't necessarily equate to player... So I do see your perspective.

 

Crazy to hear about your friend who recommended great guys to you and it turned out as quite the opposite. Seems so similar to this guy... Everyone sees him as such a great guy too.

 

I'll have to admit though, I've also been the friend who has tried to set up good friends with "great" guys... Then when they report back on how the date went... I'm shocked to find they're not so great at dating apparently lol.

[Pompeii]

The promise of a high partner count and variety of women is to appetizing to pass up for the average man. Lots of guys wish to achieve a high partner count but can not pull off the traits that the player displays.

[Woggle]

I don't even think it is about a high partner count. Most men do want to find a good relationship but they like the power and options that players have. They say that women are the ones that do the choosing instead of men. Playing flip this concept on it's ear and do the choosing themselves. They decide if and when they will commit to a woman or if they will be exclusive and all of that. They aren't sitting at home crying when a woman they love catches GIGS or cheats on them because they can call another woman to be over in less than an hour. Talk to most men like this and if they are honest with you they enjoy the power and hold they have over women.

 

I am not saying men should be players but in my darkest moments when I did envy them that was the reason why. I never had any problems getting women but I never wanted to be jerked around or played again.

 

Also as much as some women complain about players I never see players struggling with women. Men are not blind to this fact. Players could be almost eliminated in a few weeks if women didn't want to date them.

[RedRobin]

Also as much as some women complain about players I never see players struggling with women. Men are not blind to this fact. Players could be almost eliminated in a few weeks if women didn't want to date them.

 

 

Here we go again...

 

 

Take a look at this thread, Woggle. Here is a man this woman knew for a couple of years. She thought she knew him. He was in a relationship for most of the time she knew him and then became single.

 

 

He was not honest with her. Your explanation assumes that women are mind readers and can always tell when someone is lying.

 

 

Once again, you place the onus on women to detect liars rather than on men who do the lying. I have my methods to sort these guys out... it ain't pretty, but it works. I've gotten a lot of flack for it here too. Like, why do the 'good guys' have to pay for what the bad guys do? Well, partly because the so-called good guys do little or nothing themselves to eliminate the 'bad guys' from their associations. If 'bad guys' were shunned like 'bad girls' were... you'd see them turn around pretty darn quick. Instead, they are held up as examples of 'manhood'... and emulated. What garbage.

 

 

It is attitudes like yours... PLUS your willingness to keep these men in your social circle that makes it possible for men like this to continue deceiving women... and other people too. There is no way that these men reserve their BS just for the women they date. They are probably lying to you too.

[Woggle]

Here we go again...

 

 

Take a look at this thread, Woggle. Here is a man this woman knew for a couple of years. She thought she knew him. He was in a relationship for most of the time she knew him and then became single.

 

 

He was not honest with her. Your explanation assumes that women are mind readers and can always tell when someone is lying.

 

 

Once again, you place the onus on women to detect liars rather than on men who do the lying. I have my methods to sort these guys out... it ain't pretty, but it works. I've gotten a lot of flack for it here too. Like, why do the 'good guys' have to pay for what the bad guys do? Well, partly because the so-called good guys do little or nothing themselves to eliminate the 'bad guys' from their associations. If 'bad guys' were shunned like 'bad girls' were... you'd see them turn around pretty darn quick. Instead, they are held up as examples of 'manhood'... and emulated. What garbage.

 

 

It is attitudes like yours... PLUS your willingness to keep these men in your social circle that makes it possible for men like this to continue deceiving women... and other people too. There is no way that these men reserve their BS just for the women they date. They are probably lying to you too.

 

 

I just cut off a friend right now because he went too far with his woman hating stuff. I even made a thread about it plus I don't associate with men who cheat on their so no I don't keep them in my social circle. I don't see many women shunning their friends who have affairs or treat men like crap.

 

Until players stop having women throw themselves at them men will continue to see it as something to aspire to. If a man has to pick between being the loving partner who cries because a woman catches GIGS or cheats on him or the guy who has women who want to rip his clothes yes most men will choose the latter. Nobody of either gender wants to be the doormat or the loser.

 

You say that you treat male players the same way men treat female ones and I give you a lot of credit for that. More women should and then men will not see it as such a rewarding lifestyle but a whole lot of women reward men like this.

[mario_C]

There are lots of traditional practices and certain expectations around how women want their pursuers to seduce or romance them. Men who crave women+sex learn those techniques, best practices and recipes, and practice them every chance they get. That's all there is to it. Well, there's the bit about having the giant balls to practice these skills basically on strangers, which is the only thing holding back me, you, and 99% of the men reading this.

 

And ladies, may I point out that women demand a certain level of skill, in the courting game and in dating and in sex. How do you assume a man gets amazing gigolo-esque lovemaking skills? How about practice? Lots and lots of practice.

[BrokenGuy85]

I think many men players are there because they got played by some woman and think maybe not of revenge but they see if they can get away with it. And often do.

 

After how my ex treated me I know I had many thoughts I should become a player and do the same to women, but then I realized it's not fair to treat someone like that for something someone else did.

[GravityMan]

I don't think there's actually as many men players out there as it may seem to you, OP. It just seems like they're all over the place because those types of men are likely to be bold, loud and draw attention to themselves. Thus they get noticed more often, which can skew some people's perception of men as a whole. Players also tend to congregate in certain locations, such as bars that have a meat market reputation.

 

As for genuine good men, there are some that are bold, outgoing and like to pursue...but in general they tend to keep a lower profile and may fly under the radar. In most cases, it isn't because they're shy, it's because they're happy with their lives and comfortable in their own skin...and thus have no need to draw attention to themselves or to prove anything to anyone.

 

Just about all of the above can apply to women, too.

[joystickd]

I just cut off a friend right now because he went too far with his woman hating stuff. I even made a thread about it plus I don't associate with men who cheat on their so no I don't keep them in my social circle. I don't see many women shunning their friends who have affairs or treat men like crap.

 

Until players stop having women throw themselves at them men will continue to see it as something to aspire to. If a man has to pick between being the loving partner who cries because a woman catches GIGS or cheats on him or the guy who has women who want to rip his clothes yes most men will choose the latter. Nobody of either gender wants to be the doormat or the loser.

 

You say that you treat male players the same way men treat female ones and I give you a lot of credit for that. More women should and then men will not see it as such a rewarding lifestyle but a whole lot of women reward men like this.

 

I will agree with him on that one. Men continue this behavior because women reward it.

[crederer]

Short answer: It works.

 

Want the long answer?

please god, no.

 

But in all seriousness yea as others said, same reasons why women do it. Insecurity. They feel validated, even if for a short while, by another person wanting them. And I'm also too lazy to get into more depth about it at this point.

[2.50 a gallon]

In my 20's, I was what was then called a player, in that I had lots of FWB's. In my high school years, I had the dream of finding Mrs. Right, settling down and having a family. However I was very picky, I refused to settle, so just dated, and had casual sex.

 

Then in my college days I was fortunate enough to be invited to join a fraternity, and my sexual success went way up. That led to my thinking that the world was full of beautiful women, and I wanted to kiss as many as I could.

 

When I got my first place at about age 21, one of my neighbors turned out to be a high priced call girl. We had a short relationship in which I became her boy toy. In short she was my teacher, she taught me all of the right buttons to push and I became a bad boy partier. Finding new sexual partners was easy, in fact quite often they came knocking on my door. They just wanted to party and have fun, and that included having sex.

 

Such was the case with my Ex. She had moved into my apartment complex with her mother, spotted me and decided to become one of my party girls. She saw me at the pool, threw on her swim suit and came down and introduced herself to me. Ten minutes later I went back to my apartment for another drink and she followed. Once inside the door, off came her top and she propositioned me. Sex was that easy.

 

While most of my FWB's did not see me as a future husband, she did and pursued me for the next 3 years, when we married.

 

Six months later, she listened to small army of OM co-workers and I caught her cheating on me. That destroyed my dreams of wife and family. Mortally wounded in the love department I then for a short time I did become a true player, as I then successfully went after their wives and broke up their marriages.

 

As for a player being unable to get into a monogamous loving relationship, about a dozen years later I fell in love with a gal, who was totally out of my league. And even though I thought there was no way that I could ever win her heart, I still took that chance, and game up my wild ways. And it paid off. As we have now been together for over 18 years, and I am still very much in love with her.

Edited January 28, 2014 by 2.50 a gallon

[ShiningMoon]

Being a player boosts their ego and self-esteem, that's a known fact. A lot of guys happen to identify their self-worth with the number of girls they can get. It won't last forever though. At some point, being a player isn't fulfilling anymore and by the time they'll start seeking a decent partner, they'll realize they have no clue how to even behave or treat that person. That's why most players tend to settle at some point because they threw away all the "good girls" during their "playing the field" period.

 

Most girls think they can "change" a player because they all dream of being "the exception" but they're dead wrong. Only the guy can change his mindset. You can be the most good-looking, successful, caring, loving and funny girl on earth, it doesn't mean the "player" will actually take you seriously. It's a matter of mindset. When players are "playing", they can't tell the difference between a good girl and a "bad girl" because they don't bother getting to know girls better. It's always very superficial. They see girls as a "whole" not as individual entities with different characteristics.

 

It's only when some time has elapsed that they realize that may have lost on a good person by acting like players.

 

That's what I have learned unfortunately. I'm the good girl who thinks she'll be the "exception". Yeah, right.

Edited January 28, 2014 by ShiningMoon

[kaylan]

Im not a player, but I have had times where I only wanna mess around. From what Ive seen, two things usually cause men to not wanna commit to one girl.

 

1. Wanting sexual variety. (possible ego boost too, validation, etc)

 

2. Being burned badly by one or several women, and realizing how selfish and self-serving many women can be. Thus the man becomes VERY picky about which female is worthy of being his one and only.

 

PS - OP, the only reason you see men players more often is because women generally hide their sex lives better. I have a female friend whos got a little stable of men right now, and most people would never guess it. They assume shes this innocent good girl.

Edited January 28, 2014 by kaylan

[RedRobin]

Why? because there is always some woman who is broken enough to put up with them and looks hot enough (to him).

 

 

Oh, and because society allows it, other men support it, and consequences are minimal for most. Well, maybe not so minimal. They never share the same platform and respect alongside those who haven't taken up that lifestyle. Just like someone with multiple DUI's or bad credit will never get certain jobs.

 

 

There is always the occasional story of bad boy turned monogamous and finding a 'good girl' who overlooks his history.

 

 

Those 'good girls' have to be pretty broken themselves, without any better options, or not know the whole truth. I'm sure a high count player who treats a woman nice (even temporarily) looks pretty good to someone who has been physically abused in the past...

 

 

It's funny what former 'bad boys' do when they get to the end of their rope and the quality of their options start to decline. I've observed it myself.

[joystickd]

Why? because there is always some woman who is broken enough to put up with them and looks hot enough (to him).

 

 

Oh, and because society allows it, other men support it, and consequences are minimal for most. Well, maybe not so minimal. They never share the same platform and respect alongside those who haven't taken up that lifestyle. Just like someone with multiple DUI's or bad credit will never get certain jobs.

 

 

There is always the occasional story of bad boy turned monogamous and finding a 'good girl' who overlooks his history.

 

 

Those 'good girls' have to be pretty broken themselves, without any better options, or not know the whole truth. I'm sure a high count player who treats a woman nice (even temporarily) looks pretty good to someone who has been physically abused in the past...

 

 

It's funny what former 'bad boys' do when they get to the end of their rope and the quality of their options start to decline. I've observed it myself.

Perception is very important. Giving anything is not seen as bad as taking in anything.

[Meatballsmom]

One of my childhood friends, found herself divorced about five years into her marriage. She still young (under 30) and vibrant, and after a steady source for sex, now suddenly had to do with out. As she put it, it drove her up the walls. She was depressed, and emotionally unstable, even to the point where she found herself considering taking back her abusive ex husband.

 

Luckily she met and got into a friends with benefits relationship with a man she knew to be a player. She had no desire to ever marry him, and they both knew it was just about sex once or twice a month.

 

The change in her was almost instant, as she acknowledged it got her hormones back in balance, and she returned to the great out look on life, and was once again emotionally stable. To once again have a steady supply of sex truly turned her life around.

 

She was like myself and had very little sexual experience prior to marriage. She used to tell me how great he was in bed, which she felt was from having bedded so many ladies.

 

Shortly thereafter, I too got divorced, and a decade later began a relationship with my current man. He too was once a ladies man. I had mistakenly thought my ex husband was good in bed. Note the word mistakenly. Like my former high school friend, I too have joined the chorus of experience counts.

[2.50 a gallon]

As the previous poster alluded to, a diet of good sex, releases positive hormones in to a persons body that is good for the soul, and helps, both male and female to remain emotionally grounded in life.

 

 

Amongst the broken women who put up with me and my lifestyle over the years, were a handful of great nurses, two of which worked in the trauma department, where they have to deal with the most horrific scenes of trying to save the lives of accident and gun shot victims. Another was the head night nurse on the oncology floor, where she had to attend the last moments of one of her patients on average of at least once a week. A very sweet girl, kind and loving, who by her very caring nature, could not help getting attached to her patients. They all knew about each other, and there was no jealousy between them, they just wanted an occasional one night stand, of partying, dancing, and good sex. In fact, on more than once occasion they would call me and suggest I call another, as she had had a bad night. The two trauma nurses eventually married a fireman and the other the policeman, while the oncology nurse married a young doctor, became mothers and after a few years went back to their careers

 

 

Also amongst these broken women were several career women, Several were teachers, primary through high school, and a college professor. Another was the head of a title company, another the head of an insurance agency. Another was a top software engineer, with a handful of degrees in her belt, including degrees from Berkley in microbiology and chemistry, a minor in math, then realized that becoming a doctor was not her thing, and went back and got a masters in computer science. Another was a partner in a new and large coming up through the ranks, accounting firm. Her and I had a standing date, every other Wednesday night to go out to a Mexican restaurant. She also liked dancing, and on average about once a month we would hit the dance floor.

 

 

And as for the "bad boys" hitting the end of their rope, many of my friends who remained single and played the field into their 30's, when finding the one that they were looking for, did a total 180, married and became great and loving husbands and dedicated fathers. Theirs are some of the best marriages that I know of. They know where the grass is greenest and do not look over the fence.

Edited January 29, 2014 by 2.50 a gallon