Curious.. WHY are so many men players? What causes it? Whats the benefit?

[BradJacobs]

Then they are liars not player. I guess I come from a different school of thought where players are honest. Think about it: How can you be a player of a game when you are dishonest?

100% agree. Players win without lying.

 

This is probably too simplistic but I'll give it a shot ...

 

When a liar and a woman are no longer together she's scorned because she thought X because he agreed it was X and he acted like X but none of it was real. She's mad because he sold her a bill of goods. The result is sour grapes and liars aren't normally offered a second chance.

 

And then the situation that happens here a lot ...

 

Man and woman separate. She calls him a player because he didn't meet her expectations of X when he told her that he was only going to be Y and could only do Z. But she's upset that she gave all of her X and he should have known better. In reality they're two people who gave a relationship a shot but were too different in their priorities. However it's easier to rewrite history and call him a player instead of owning her mistakes of not listening.

 

And then you have the players ...

 

When a player and a woman are no longer together there's confusion because she thought it might be X because he acted like Y. More times than not she's scared to verify X because he acts like Y so darn well. The woman sold herself and, more times than not, they're open to the experience again.

[Tayken]

I have no idea..I have never experienced/got involved with a man I would call a player.

 

So what would you refer the men you have been involved in as then.....door stoppers, whipped, sex starved?

[NYWoman]

RR

 

You assume too much. I knew what he was when I met him and offered to be one of his party girls. I had been sexually active for about 4 years, and no one had been able to make me scream. When walking by his apartment at night on numerous I had heard more than one woman screaming in orgasmic delight and I wanted to find out for myself.

 

My Ex was awesome in bed, so much so he could and should have taught a class for the rest of the men in the world. On our first encounter he had me squirting within 5 minutes, something I had never done before. He never failed to give me multiple, O's. On our wedding night I quit counting after around 25.

 

Once I got to know him, he was really a nice guy, intelligent, had interesting hobbies, and above all knew how to talk with women. Another reason why so many came knocking on his door.

 

It was me who asked him to marry me. Once he committed to me, he gave up his partying days, and became a devoted husband and hopeful father to be.

 

It was me who bragged to my friends how awesome he was in bed. It was me who broke our vows and got caught cheating. It was me who left his front door wide open, when I moved in with the OM. So I never blamed them for wanting to find out what they had been missing in their lives.

 

Thirty years, and at least a dozen partners later, including a second husband, no body has been able to get me to squirt and very few have been able to last beyond one orgasm.

Edited February 8, 2014 by NYWoman

[RedRobin]

Well, NY...

 

 

It looks like you two were well matched... it was only a matter of time before one of you did what you did... given your histories.

 

 

Maybe you should have negotiated an open relationship, swinging, or something along those lines if you needed to have multiple partners.

 

 

What I'm talking about are people who use deception to get what they want.

 

 

... and to answer the other posters questions... I've never dated men who were only looking for something casual... so maybe that's why I feel it is pretty rare or doesn't exist that they are upfront.

 

 

I HAVE dated men who claimed to be looking for a relationship WITH ME numerous times, but couldn't convince me that was true because they were inconsistent in their behavior... and I learned later that they had messed around a fair bit, had FWB or lots of ONS. Had I been someone who jumped into bed with them hoping for the best, I might be one of those women who post here so often.

 

 

As it is, I still find it annoying to waste my time sifting through men who feel the need to claim they are looking for a relationship simply to see what they can get away with.

 

 

So that's my definition of a player. Someone who has to feign care and affection for any period of time in order to get sex.

[Woggle]

Well, NY...

 

 

It looks like you two were well matched... it was only a matter of time before one of you did what you did... given your histories.

 

 

Maybe you should have negotiated an open relationship, swinging, or something along those lines if you needed to have multiple partners.

 

 

What I'm talking about are people who use deception to get what they want.

 

 

... and to answer the other posters questions... I've never dated men who were only looking for something casual... so maybe that's why I feel it is pretty rare or doesn't exist that they are upfront.

 

 

I HAVE dated men who claimed to be looking for a relationship WITH ME numerous times, but couldn't convince me that was true because they were inconsistent in their behavior... and I learned later that they had messed around a fair bit, had FWB or lots of ONS. Had I been someone who jumped into bed with them hoping for the best, I might be one of those women who post here so often.

 

 

As it is, I still find it annoying to waste my time sifting through men who feel the need to claim they are looking for a relationship simply to see what they can get away with.

 

 

So that's my definition of a player. Someone who has to feign care and affection for any period of time in order to get sex.

 

There are also some players who don't believe in love and commitment until they meet somebody who truly changes their mind. That is what happened to me sort of .

 

After my divorce I thought that commitment and lasting love was a load of crap that women used to trap men so I planned to just play around for the rest of my life since it turned out I was actually very good at attracting women. I met my wife though who showed me that there are actually women worth committing to and I have 100% faithful and committed ever since.

[RedRobin]

Thirty years, and at least a dozen partners later, including a second husband, no body has been able to get me to squirt and very few have been able to last beyond one orgasm.

 

 

one more thing... I imagine your first husband would age as well... and likely wouldn't last beyond one orgasm had you stayed with him long enough.

 

 

As far as your ability to squirt. That's technical stuff that anyone can learn.

 

 

Your unhappiness with future partners after your first H seems more mental than physical... and probably totally unrelated to how great (or not) he was.

 

 

I do understand having amazing chemistry with someone though... and how hard that is to replace... at least for me, if the emotional component and trust is not there, I will never be able to let go fully. It's a bummer.

[RedRobin]

There are also some players who don't believe in love and commitment until they meet somebody who truly changes their mind. That is what happened to me sort of .

 

After my divorce I thought that commitment and lasting love was a load of crap that women used to trap men so I planned to just play around for the rest of my life since it turned out I was actually very good at attracting women. I met my wife though who showed me that there are actually women worth committing to and I have 100% faithful and committed ever since.

 

 

I'm happy for you Woggle, but I personally would never take a chance on a guy who was so bitter about commitment and love. Women are stupid for doing so. They are better off spending their time on other things... and letting men do the hard work on their own... not dragging them through the mud.

 

 

Not only am I not a therapist or counselor... but I also believe it is too big a risk. I'd like to think there are plenty of men who don't expect me to tear my heart open with a great big knife so that they can sort out their issues. God only knows how many times you stomped on the feelings of your now wife... showed her disrespect or were ungrateful towards her actions of care before you pulled your head out of your *ss.

 

 

I'm not willing to go through that for someone with a shady past. There is no benefit to being a fixer. At all.

[Woggle]

I'm happy for you Woggle, but I personally would never take a chance on a guy who was so bitter about commitment and love. Women are stupid for doing so. They are better off spending their time on other things... and letting men do the hard work on their own... not dragging them through the mud.

 

 

Not only am I not a therapist or counselor... but I also believe it is too big a risk. I'd like to think there are plenty of men who don't expect me to tear my heart open with a great big knife so that they can sort out their issues. God only knows how many times you stomped on the feelings of your now wife... showed her disrespect or were ungrateful towards her actions of care before you pulled your head out of your *ss.

 

 

I'm not willing to go through that for someone with a shady past. There is no benefit to being a fixer. At all.

 

If you spent a week in my house during my first marriage you would understand why I felt that way.

 

I admit it took me a long time to open up to my wife and it was hands down the scariest thing I ever did in my life. I felt less fear when a robber pulled gun on me than when I opened up to my wife and that is no exaggeration but I am glad I did.

 

I have just seen what happens so often when a man shows his emotions to a woman and I didn't want that to happen to me. The fact that it didn't let me know it was safe to jump in head first.

[joystickd]

 

 

I HAVE dated men who claimed to be looking for a relationship WITH ME numerous times, but couldn't convince me that was true because they were inconsistent in their behavior... and I learned later that they had messed around a fair bit, had FWB or lots of ONS. Had I been someone who jumped into bed with them hoping for the best, I might be one of those women who post here so often.

 

 

Have you ever entertained the possibility that they were inconsistent because they saw you as inconsistent too? They might have started really feeling you then based on how you acted stepped back. It does happen, but it's understandable you wouldn't entertain the possibility based on their pasts

[salparadise]

Translation: I like to mislead women and string them along, because it makes me feel important. Or maybe I'm just a coward. Haven't decided. I don't have anything else in my life that makes me feel important... so this works just fine. *shrug* It's also a lot easier than being upfront or recognizing that our goals aren't compatible, because if I did that, I wouldn't get what I want… which is to avoid being a responsible, accountable human being

 

As opposed to him making sure that you get what you want as his first priority and purpose for dating, correct? It seems that your cynicism and ire with men is merely backlash for not having gotten what YOU want! You denigrate men who do not subjugate themselves by wholly adopting your agenda as their own… and attempt to present it as a moral imperative.

 

Men and women simply have asymmetrical priorities in the mating dance. This has been accepted for many thousands of years and no amount of proselytizing is going to bring them into alignment.

 

We don't hate men. We hate players and commitment phobic males […] What I don't get is people who defend those other guys and keep them in their circle of friends.

 

Well, that's because the rest of the world does not view alignment of gender priorities as an imperative, or even desirable that matter. There was a time when polite society expected that if a man had carnal knowledge of a women he would marry her, but the paradigm shifted away from that beginning in the 1920s, continuing through the cultural revolution of the 60s with feminism, the pill and legal abortion. Women are actually seen as the beneficiaries of these changes by most people, including women. Marriage minded men have the right to decide if a relationship has marriage potential even after having had sex, as opposed to it being his obligation and her option.

 

Nobody is positing that you don’t have a right to your perspective, and neither would many condone outright deception. The mating dance has always been complex; both genders do their absolute damnedest to get what they want, including consensual sex without lifetime commitment. On one of the popular dating sites one of the questions asks, “would you need to have sex before deciding to marry someone?” I don’t think I’ve seen a single profile where a woman answered NO, and this includes many who are devoutly religious.

 

Withholding sex is simply not the de facto female strategy for mate acquisition in the 21st century. Women who attempt to employ it will need to either choose men with virtually no sex drive, the strictest religious convictions, those who can’t get laid elsewhere, or she'll have to cast a such a powerfully magical spell that said highly eligible alpha is willing to subjugate his needs entirely. Of all the adaptations that might be considered, setting forth one’s own preference as moral imperative is probably among the least effective. As for hating men who don’t comply, well, that probably factors significantly into their strategy.

[RedRobin]

If you spent a week in my house during my first marriage you would understand why I felt that way.

 

I admit it took me a long time to open up to my wife and it was hands down the scariest thing I ever did in my life. I felt less fear when a robber pulled gun on me than when I opened up to my wife and that is no exaggeration but I am glad I did.

 

I have just seen what happens so often when a man shows his emotions to a woman and I didn't want that to happen to me. The fact that it didn't let me know it was safe to jump in head first.

 

 

I understand Woggle... but also understand that women have the same fears... and then they are ridiculed for being around 'players' who manipulate and lie to them when they (the women) are trying to be hopeful about love. Or worse... told that they deserved it, had it coming to them... blah blah. At the same time, we are also told that we are supposed to be endlessly loving and comforting (like your wife) and endure the thoughtless meanness of men as a routine part of life in order to find a relationship... Or that there is something wrong with US if some men act like *ssholes.

 

 

There is no excuse. I find it appalling that men are granted, hell, even encouraged to work out their issues on women's bodies and souls.

 

 

It think we are well past time for men to find some other way to solve their problems. I personally know they are capable of it.

 

 

Everyone has been hurt in life somehow. Not everyone uses it as an excuse to hurt others... If anyone has even a little shred of consciousness, they will know they have hurt others too... and take measures to stop it.

[NYWoman]

RR

 

 

Again you assume too much. Although one cannot predict with certainty what another or even one's own self will do in the future, I do believe that the chances of him being unfaithful would have been slight.

 

 

My Ex has a passion for trains. What he most wanted out of life was to have a home with a basement in which he and the kids could fill with trains. From what I have read, men who are into model railroads are in the class of men who are least likely to have affairs. While other wives complain about their husbands stopping by the bar for a couple of cold ones, the wife of a model railroader always knows where her H is, down in the basement playing with his trains. Actually their wives biggest complaint is that their husbands spend too much time with their trains.

 

 

As for the S orgasm, you are right it is a technique, that alas most men have not mastered. That is one of the reasons he was so popular with the ladies. Before we got married I got to know some of his other party girls. It was that ability that had them coming back time after time, as no other man could give them the same pleasure.

 

 

And as for my friends, with him and only him where they ever able to experience this.

 

 

That is the difference between those who have dined on steak and the hamburger eaters of the world.

 

 

As for us having and open marriage. There was no way that I was going to share him. And the second that he caught me, he closed the marriage and walked away.

[peej]

How do you know that he played you and that his emotions didn't just change? He could have had the opposite change of heart that you had and when he did start up a relationship with you he didn't like it as much as he thought he would and he was getting uncomfortable so he had to end it.

[Woggle]

I understand Woggle... but also understand that women have the same fears... and then they are ridiculed for being around 'players' who manipulate and lie to them when they (the women) are trying to be hopeful about love. Or worse... told that they deserved it, had it coming to them... blah blah. At the same time, we are also told that we are supposed to be endlessly loving and comforting (like your wife) and endure the thoughtless meanness of men as a routine part of life in order to find a relationship... Or that there is something wrong with US if some men act like *ssholes.

 

 

There is no excuse. I find it appalling that men are granted, hell, even encouraged to work out their issues on women's bodies and souls.

 

 

It think we are well past time for men to find some other way to solve their problems. I personally know they are capable of it.

 

 

Everyone has been hurt in life somehow. Not everyone uses it as an excuse to hurt others... If anyone has even a little shred of consciousness, they will know they have hurt others too... and take measures to stop it.

 

 

I never deliberately set out to hurt anybody. I picked a FWB partner who I thought was just as cold towards romance as I was. When she started catching feelings instead of leading her on I ended it. Once I knew she wanted more I stopped dealing with her because that would have been unfair.

 

I never closed myself off to my wife to punish but because I had a crippling fear of showing my emotions to a woman. I used to literally have nightmares of telling her I loved her and then having her question my masculinity and cheating on me with some player because that is sort of what happened in my first marriage and what I have seen happen to many men.

 

Overcoming those fears was one of my proudest moments and showed more strength than any fake player bravado.

[RedRobin]

As opposed to him making sure that you get what you want as his first priority and purpose for dating, correct? It seems that your cynicism and ire with men is merely backlash for not having gotten what YOU want! You denigrate men who do not subjugate themselves by wholly adopting your agenda as their own… and attempt to present it as a moral imperative.

 

Men and women simply have asymmetrical priorities in the mating dance. This has been accepted for many thousands of years and no amount of proselytizing is going to bring them into alignment.

 

 

 

Well, that's because the rest of the world does not view alignment of gender priorities as an imperative, or even desirable that matter. There was a time when polite society expected that if a man had carnal knowledge of a women he would marry her, but the paradigm shifted away from that beginning in the 1920s, continuing through the cultural revolution of the 60s with feminism, the pill and legal abortion. Women are actually seen as the beneficiaries of these changes by most people, including women. Marriage minded men have the right to decide if a relationship has marriage potential even after having had sex, as opposed to it being his obligation and her option.

 

Nobody is positing that you don’t have a right to your perspective, and neither would many condone outright deception. The mating dance has always been complex; both genders do their absolute damnedest to get what they want, including consensual sex without lifetime commitment. On one of the popular dating sites one of the questions asks, “would you need to have sex before deciding to marry someone?” I don’t think I’ve seen a single profile where a woman answered NO, and this includes many who are devoutly religious.

 

Withholding sex is simply not the de facto female strategy for mate acquisition in the 21st century. Women who attempt to employ it will need to either choose men with virtually no sex drive, the strictest religious convictions, those who can’t get laid elsewhere, or she'll have to cast a such a powerfully magical spell that said highly eligible alpha is willing to subjugate his needs entirely. Of all the adaptations that might be considered, setting forth one’s own preference as moral imperative is probably among the least effective. As for hating men who don’t comply, well, that probably factors significantly into their strategy.

 

 

You might be surprised to know that my objectives align pretty well with lots of men's... You still assume that women seeking relationships are 'withholding sex'... versus simply trying to figure out if the guy is a decent human being. Yea, that's a pretty high priority to me. Figuring out if the guy is a decent human being that I'm not going to later be embarrassed to have been associated with in some way.

 

 

That's the only real difference between men and women when it comes to sex. Men (in general) have much less to lose by effing strange women... especially the ones whose reputations and social status are not affected by whom they choose to bed. A guy whose job it is to install plumbing every day has no reputation to lose. He could screw the barmaid or a CEO... Doesn't matter.

 

 

In the higher socioeconomic strata, you will find that men are more likely to marry and stay married. Even when they do sometimes step out on their wives, it usually isn't with the lower class and it isn't indiscriminate... hence it is rarer.

 

 

Maybe that's where your anger comes from... acknowledgement of that dichotomy. You've now joined the ranks of the lower socioeconomic strata simply due to your divorce... and are now obliged to perpetually surf the web for sex.

 

 

It doesn't always turn out your way either, I've observed. You get attached too... and your animosity about commitment probably bleeds out of every pore... after which those women make a polite exit when they get to know you better. So no, you aren't getting things on your terms either.

[RedRobin]

RR

 

 

Again you assume too much. Although one cannot predict with certainty what another or even one's own self will do in the future, I do believe that the chances of him being unfaithful would have been slight.

 

 

My Ex has a passion for trains. What he most wanted out of life was to have a home with a basement in which he and the kids could fill with trains. From what I have read, men who are into model railroads are in the class of men who are least likely to have affairs. While other wives complain about their husbands stopping by the bar for a couple of cold ones, the wife of a model railroader always knows where her H is, down in the basement playing with his trains. Actually their wives biggest complaint is that their husbands spend too much time with their trains.

 

 

As for the S orgasm, you are right it is a technique, that alas most men have not mastered. That is one of the reasons he was so popular with the ladies. Before we got married I got to know some of his other party girls. It was that ability that had them coming back time after time, as no other man could give them the same pleasure.

 

 

And as for my friends, with him and only him where they ever able to experience this.

 

 

That is the difference between those who have dined on steak and the hamburger eaters of the world.

 

 

As for us having and open marriage. There was no way that I was going to share him. And the second that he caught me, he closed the marriage and walked away.

 

 

*shrug* I guess I've never had any problems teaching any man I've been with how to give me pleasure... at least the ones I cared about teaching.

 

 

It is much harder, even impossible, to instill good character where there is none. If they haven't demonstrated it in advance of a relationship, they won't have after they are in one either.

 

 

... and I don't know about your train analogy... I happen to know of a couple who have that hobby... and they take every opportunity to cheat. Usually with a girl at work or at conferences. For people so inspired, they will find plenty of opportunities. Its not just the bar flies that are hooking up with random women.

[what_a_blonde]

Translation: I like to mislead women and string them along, because it makes me feel important. Or maybe I'm just a coward. Haven't decided. I don't have anything else in my life that makes me feel important... so this works just fine. *shrug*

 

It's also a lot easier than being upfront or recognizing that our goals aren't compatible, because if I did that, I wouldn't get what I want... which is to avoid being a responsible, accountable human being for as long as possible. That sucks and is no fun.. and besides, my friends and other men think I'm cool.... not to mention that women who are also looking for casual sex are kinda yucky. If I didn't lie to the ones looking for a relationship, I'd only get sex from hoes.

 

 

High fives all around.

 

Exactly the above.

 

Ok, so after reading many, many pages I've come to the conclusion that maybe the guy I dealt with isn't so much of a "player" in true terms... but really just more of a liar, coward... someone who was too afraid to tell me straight out that his feelings had changed in fear that he would STOP getting what he wanted from me.

 

And exactly like RedRobin states above, he probably knew he could get it from elsewhere... but what fun is it getting it from those dirty girls who are also interested in casual sex and probably sleeping around with other people? He'll just continue to stick to me a little longer, not exactly telling me outright he only sees me as a sex toy.... just so he can get what HE wants. Awesome.

 

Not saying I don't share blame for this either. I'm totally at fault for allowing it to go on as long as it did... and I still deal with that pain every so often of feeling so embarrassed and such an arse for allowing myself to be so vulnerable and naive. However I was giving him the benefit of the doubt based off of an established friendship we had prior to it starting. I truly thought I knew him and that he would at least tell me if he wasn't feelin it anymore like I was.

 

Simple stated.... He led me on in the beginning. We knew eachother for a very long time and were friends and he told me how much he's always cared about me and thought about "us" since we started getting to know one another... but I obviously didn't know him like I thought.

 

Maybe he's not a PLAYER, but certainly a liar and coward, and someone who has no regard for another's feelings and only care's about himself.

Edited February 10, 2014 by what_a_blonde

[RedRobin]

Exactly the above.

 

Ok, so after reading many, many pages I've come to the conclusion that maybe the guy I dealt with isn't so much of a "player" in true terms... but really just more of a liar, coward... someone who was too afraid to tell me straight out that his feelings had changed in fear that he would STOP getting what he wanted from me.

 

And exactly like RedRobin states above, he probably knew he could get it from elsewhere... but what fun is it getting it from those dirty girls who are also interested in casual sex and probably sleeping around with other people? He'll just continue to stick to me a little longer, not exactly telling me outright he only sees me as a sex toy.... just so he can get what HE wants. Awesome.

 

Not saying I don't share blame for this either. I'm totally at fault for allowing it to go on as long as it did... and I still deal with that pain every so often of feeling so embarrassed and such an arse for allowing myself to be so vulnerable and naive. However I was giving him the benefit of the doubt based off of an established friendship we had prior to it starting. I truly thought I knew him and that he would at least tell me if he wasn't feelin it anymore like I was.

 

Simple stated.... He led me on in the beginning. We knew eachother for a very long time and were friends and he told me how much he's always cared about me and thought about "us" since we started getting to know one another... but I obviously didn't know him like I thought.

 

Maybe he's not a PLAYER, but certainly a liar and coward, and someone who has no regard for another's feelings and only care's about himself.

 

You don't have anything to be embarrassed about.

 

 

He's still somewhat within your circle of influence, am I right? There will come a time when he needs something from you, or someone comes asking about him for one thing or another.

 

 

That's when you find a brief and diplomatic way to share what you know.

 

 

... Maybe just a shrug and a little shake of the head say "I don't feel he's really too trustworthy... but you make up your own mind. *shrug*"

 

 

If they ask for more, just say, "well, since you asked... I think he tends to be a bit of a dodger. He'd rather let a situation go down in flames rather than pitch in and speak up. Plus he doesn't really follow through on his promises. He wouldn't be my first choice."

 

 

Something like that... You'll get your chance to set things straight eventually. Don't worry. The world is a much smaller place than a lot of these guys would like to assume.

 

 

Even for the guys who do OLD. Unless they are dating people pretty far away, it catches up to them eventually. Kind of like the "degrees of freedom to Kevin Bacon"...

[RedRobin]

Hey, OP... gotta love how so many male posters on this thread support lying to get sex.

 

 

Kind of eye opening, isn't it? Sad too. Guess they don't have what it takes to get women legitimately. Probably hypocrites too. They want to sleep around but they don't want women who also sleep around. That's why they have to lie and obfuscate.

 

 

Your guy couldn't manage to get a woman like you any other way.

 

 

If it helps, I have a few tricks that sift out the best of them... Lots of these same guys here on LS have given me a lot of flack for it, but it is super effective. Hasn't failed me yet.

 

 

The easiest by far is insisting on STD tests in advance of sex... and that you get to see the results. Any guy with an eye on something casual or short term is gonna bail on that, since it usually involves taking time off of work in addition to getting a needle stuck in their arm. That usually keeps things on a slow boil for a few weeks at least while you continue to get to know each other.

 

 

You get bonus points from the legitimate good guys for being safe. It's a very good opening to talk about attitudes and personal history regarding sex.

 

 

The slippery ones will either be moving on without much fuss from you... or continue to make up excuses why they can't make it.

 

 

If they act dodgy about that in the slightest, at least you know what you are dealing with and you can act accordingly in advance.

[what_a_blonde]

You don't have anything to be embarrassed about.

 

 

He's still somewhat within your circle of influence, am I right? There will come a time when he needs something from you, or someone comes asking about him for one thing or another.

 

 

That's when you find a brief and diplomatic way to share what you know.

 

 

... Maybe just a shrug and a little shake of the head say "I don't feel he's really too trustworthy... but you make up your own mind. *shrug*"

 

 

If they ask for more, just say, "well, since you asked... I think he tends to be a bit of a dodger. He'd rather let a situation go down in flames rather than pitch in and speak up. Plus he doesn't really follow through on his promises. He wouldn't be my first choice."

 

 

Something like that... You'll get your chance to set things straight eventually. Don't worry. The world is a much smaller place than a lot of these guys would like to assume.

 

 

Even for the guys who do OLD. Unless they are dating people pretty far away, it catches up to them eventually. Kind of like the "degrees of freedom to Kevin Bacon"...

 

Yes, very much so. And that's a great point. That chance will come around for me to speak up, without giving too much away, and when I do get that chance, it will most certainly be liberating. I don't wish anything bad upon the guy, but I certainly know he's not the charming and sweet "good ol' boy" that everyone seems to see him as... so no longer will I go out of my way sharing what a great guy I think he is. (cause, well, we all know that thought is long gone anyway lol)

[what_a_blonde]

Hey, OP... gotta love how so many male posters on this thread support lying to get sex.

 

Kind of eye opening, isn't it? Sad too. Guess they don't have what it takes to get women legitimately. Probably hypocrites too. They want to sleep around but they don't want women who also sleep around. That's why they have to lie and obfuscate.

 

 

Your guy couldn't manage to get a woman like you any other way.

 

 

If it helps, I have a few tricks that sift out the best of them... Lots of these same guys here on LS have given me a lot of flack for it, but it is super effective. Hasn't failed me yet.

 

 

The easiest by far is insisting on STD tests in advance of sex... and that you get to see the results. Any guy with an eye on something casual or short term is gonna bail on that, since it usually involves taking time off of work in addition to getting a needle stuck in their arm. That usually keeps things on a slow boil for a few weeks at least while you continue to get to know each other.

 

 

You get bonus points from the legitimate good guys for being safe. It's a very good opening to talk about attitudes and personal history regarding sex.

 

 

The slippery ones will either be moving on without much fuss from you... or continue to make up excuses why they can't make it.

 

 

If they act dodgy about that in the slightest, at least you know what you are dealing with and you can act accordingly in advance.

 

Yes! Totally agree. Don't get me wrong, I really like hearing opinions from a male perspective however many here are just bashing women and blaming them... and the men are not wanting to take any responsibility for their actions.

 

 

I like that tactic...I can see how some people would give you flack for that but hey... its your body, you're being safe, AND ... like you said... you're also able to weed out the guys who are only in it for the short haul.

 

Not only that, you're also protecting yourself from the ones that most likely WOULD have something but are in denial because they're "ALWAYS" safe OR because they have "no symptoms". You're absolutely right that if a guy is serious, he is going to appreciate something like that.

 

Guys who are in it to just sleep around won't have the maturity to even think that contracting an STD is possible for them (because thats a buzzkill to think about stuff like that), so they just think the condom fixes everything. May be a stretch, but just an observation.

[RedRobin]

Yes, very much so. And that's a great point. That chance will come around for me to speak up, without giving too much away, and when I do get that chance, it will most certainly be liberating. I don't wish anything bad upon the guy, but I certainly know he's not the charming and sweet "good ol' boy" that everyone seems to see him as... so no longer will I go out of my way sharing what a great guy I think he is. (cause, well, we all know that thought is long gone anyway lol)

 

 

Yes, a lot of guys don't realize they create ripples wherever they go... can be positive or negative... but the negative ones stick around for quite awhile.

 

 

I have a very good male friend who I dated for over a year. He never lied to me. Never betrayed me. After about a year, we both realized it wasn't going forward and we parted on good terms. He continued to occasionally watch my dog when I went out of town... I'd lend an ear when he had work or relationship issues.

 

 

I helped him find his current girlfriend... gave him tips on his OkC profile and took some pretty stunning headshot pics... He used one of them for a movie audition nearby! His girlfriend is a sweetie. I'm friends with her now too. Had Thanksgiving with them this year.

 

 

That's the positive of leaving things in a straight up way without animosity or meanness... These guys could choose to expand their circle of positive feelings if they are straight up and thoughtful... one never knows... instead they go down this other path and seriously believe it will never catch up to them. Sometimes it doesn't. Most of the time it does though.

[RedRobin]

Yes! Totally agree. Don't get me wrong, I really like hearing opinions from a male perspective however many here are just bashing women and blaming them... and the men are not wanting to take any responsibility for their actions.

 

 

I like that tactic...I can see how some people would give you flack for that but hey... its your body, you're being safe, AND ... like you said... you're also able to weed out the guys who are only in it for the short haul.

 

Not only that, you're also protecting yourself from the ones that most likely WOULD have something but are in denial because they're "ALWAYS" safe OR because they have "no symptoms". You're absolutely right that if a guy is serious, he is going to appreciate something like that.

Guys who are in it to just sleep around won't have the maturity to even think that contracting an STD is possible for them (because thats a buzzkill to think about stuff like that), so they just think the condom fixes everything. May be a stretch, but just an observation.

 

 

Funny thing... I came across one of those guys last year. When we started talking about our histories and sex, he kind of bragged about 'making up for lost time' after his divorce. (Ick). By then, we'd already talked about getting STD tests...

 

 

During the course of that discussion, it came out how very little he knew about herpes. He was a good looking 44 year old guy who was bragging about all the time he'd made up for... hardy-har-har... but had never been tested for herpes even once... or even knew how it's done. He had been divorced for 10 years too!

 

 

That, on top of his bartender friend asking him if he'd 'tapped that' (me)... well, that's all I needed to hear. I told him not long afterward that our goals weren't compatible.

 

 

Oh, and about the last paragraph... no, those guys will still try to get you to sleep with them without a condom and without tests. Especially when they find out YOU are safe and reliable. Trust me on that one. The skeeviness just doesn't stop with those dudes.

[fortyninethousand322]

I'm not a current or reformed player, I am a current loser. But, the appeal of becoming a player is to be someone in high demand, someone who doesn't feel like they are at the mercy of others.

 

Some men do it because they don't want to be that desperate loser who marries the first women they ever hold hands with. And others do it because they like to sleep with as many women as they can and they think becoming a player will help them in that regard.

[Els]

RR, can you not accept that some men AND women enjoy casual sex? There is nothing inherently wrong with that as long as they do not purposefully attempt to deceive.

 

Those of us who desire commitment-minded men are free to choose men who are compatible with us, and to choose not to engage with 'players'. Let them live their own lives the way they see fit, yes?