in love with om

[Appreciate]

Nope, it won't help, it will only make things worse.

 

You don't want closure, you want him to tell you he feels the same way about you that you do about him. You want to rekindle the A because you can't stop thinking about him and your romantic interest in your husband has not returned. Well, .. no duh. You have this other man in your head.

 

So if you don't want to be a home wrecker, then maintain NC. Eventually, your feelings will fade. It's not like you are going to write a book about a grand love affair with this man.

 

Your situation with your H will not improve if you hold on to this fantasy. You'll always put the A over your M, in a little treasure box in your heart. If you can't reconnect with your H via marriage counseling and putting real energy into your marriage, then you should probably divorce him. Otherwise you will just leave him for the next AP to come around, and that's not fair to him. Don't crush a person like that, he deserves better.

[wasntlooking]

I knoe he deserves better.....my feelings were changing for my H before this guy came along. I really just want to be happy again in my M. Weve been throygh counsrling, has helped a little. This whole experience has opened my eyes to whether or not i still in love with my H. Im giving it some time to hope that my feelings for OM fade so i can focus on M. Its just hard kbowing someones out there that possibly is right for me but itll never happen. And i know you all think it was a short tme, it was but i may have been in a fog but im telling you the feelings are real and i do believe he was a genuine person. He never spoke bad about his wife and he wasnt sure why we had to meet now instrad of earlier in lofe do that tells me he wants to keep his family together but rtill has feelings for me.

[wasntlooking]

My husband is a great person and deserves better. I never wanted thus to happen and now i find myself ruining the one thing i never wanted to. I come from a family with numerois marriages and always wanted to make mine work.

[Appreciate]

The "right people, wrong time" feeling is very common in affairs.

 

Your marriage may be salvageable, and you may be able to fall back in love with your husband. Many people fall in and out of love during the course of a long term relationship. Did you think it was abnormal to be feeling this way?

 

When you said you were already feeling this way about your H, I believe you. You had been losing romantic interest in him and that primed you for the affair. Thankfully, you don't blame him for that (at least you haven't to date), so I'm wondering what the issue is for you? Lack of sexual attraction, boredom, lack of admiration or attention? Lack of self-esteem or a need for validation?

 

How long have you been married? Any kids?

 

Many people experience lulls in their marriage, just not all of them have affairs.

 

I've been an OM, BS and WS, so I know the things you are feeling. And I know the things your husband would be feeling if he knew you were in love with another man.

[wasntlooking]

I believe im bored and am not attracted to him mentally anymore. We have sex but it lacks my mind being into it probably due to OM. Ive alwsys been the go getter in my marriage. Ive always taken care of almkst everything because he will drop the ball on it. I never felt taken care of my H. I feel like i csnt rely on him. He works full time as do I. We have two kids, married 13 years. I dont blame him. Hes trying hard and im trying to put this affair behind to give it a figting chance but everytime we have sex and im not mentally into it, i get so discouraged. I know its me and i have to let go.

[wasntlooking]

And ive always had self esteem issues. Dont take compliments well. Tend not to believe people when they say nice things about me. No pity party for me please, just speaking the truth.

[wasntlooking]

And what i saw in OM was that he was so hard working, stopped at nothing to make sure his family was provided for. He worked two jobs so his wife could stay home and raise their kids until they were in school. Hes very much like me in thst way only that i work 40 plus hours and take care of the home and finances too.

[Appreciate]

Hmm..

 

How clearly have you communicated this to your H? I mean explicitly communicated specific needs which are not being met and how it makes you feel?

 

You mentioned counseling. Was the counseling pre-A or after? There's a big difference.

 

This situation is all too common. Your husband is probably complacent in the relationship and you feel like he's not pulling his weight. He has probably felt you distancing and rejecting him, thus worsening the situation. You recognize it's not his fault and you aren't doing enough for him, either. The problem is that currently you don't see him as your man, just a father and companion.

 

What are you, mid to late 30's? Two daughters by any chance?

 

I suggest buying this e-book and reading it with your husband. Check out the reviews posted by the wives.. you may see yourself in them:

 

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

[wasntlooking]

My husbband is very well aware of hiw i feel and what my issues in M are. I feel like im too blunt about that with him. He is trying i do know that. Counseling was pre affair and during also. Im just confused as to what i want.

[Appreciate]

It doesn't sound like you are confused about you want, it just sounds like your needs are not being currently met in your M.

 

Trust me, you don't want to divorce and wreck your family. You may think there's better life out there waiting for you. The best life you can have is the one that's right under your nose: a loving husband, an intact family and a stable future.

 

What did your H tell you he needs from you? Are you able to give him those things?

[ForevaMC]

Hi there,

Just want to tell you, that you're not alone. I am in a similar situation, but my relationship with my OM is longer, more than a year.

We both don't want to leave our marriages, but also don't want to let this relationship go.

Divorce is definitely not an option for me, so I don't expect him to leave his also.

It's not a right thing to do, I know...but it's really not a simple matter at all, especially we both are having intense communications every single day.

He is a private person also, but he tells me every single thing that happened in his life. He said no one knows him better than me. He told me that we both are doing the wrong thing, but how to let this go if the feeling that we both share is so very strong.

I don't know what we both could have at the end of the day. I was thinking to give up once, but then I know that I can't do it, I love him dearly.

So my suggestion is, it's good if you can close this chapter in your life and move on....the longer you stay, it's getting harder to leave...

[Appreciate]

^ This.

 

WL, you don't want to be in this person's shoes.

 

Affairs will drain the life out of marriages, be torturous for the APs and at some point something has to fold. Either the A or the M. Either one is hard to let go of. Either ForevaMC and her AP will either wind up together, divorced, alone or still married to their spouses but grieving the end of the affair. It can't last long.. eventually they'll get caught or resolve to be together. Most affairs burn out in 6 months, the remainder within 2 years if the APs don't leave their spouses.

 

(Good luck ForevaMC.)

[ForevaMC]

Appreciate... I really think you have explained it correctly. Even I am having an affair now, I really don't want to suggest anyone to be in my position.

That was the reason of me giving a comment to this post.

It's not a fair game for the spouses, and really hard to let this relationship go also, especially if the affair gets deeper like what I have now.

So WL, it's maybe a good thing that he wasn't tell you yet about his feelings to you.

Just be strong, and yes, I don't think you need a closure. Its all about you and your decision only.

[wasntlooking]

Forever mc, im so sorry that you are going through that. I know if i didnt end it id be in your shoes now. Trust me, ending it was the hardest thing ive ever done but i wrote an email out explaining how i felt for him but it was so wrong and didnt want to be that person to break up his fsmily. And i just sent it. I cried and cried and cried for days. I someyimes think if i didnt do it id still be happy cause id still be eith him instrad of misersble and sad. But it was the right thing to do. Its so very hard though amd im still trymg to get over it. Wish you best of luck. My suggestion is on those fays you are feeling guilty abouy what you are doing, send him something or tell him you want yo stop. Believe me its hard. There will be lots of long dayd ahead. The hardest is keeping the NC.i struggle everyday but being on here talkng to others helps a lot.

[wasntlooking]

I have a person who loves me right under my nose at home but i want to feel the passion and feelings i had for OM with my H. I just hope with time it will and hope i csn get this OM off his pedestal.

[AlwaysGrowing]

An on-line fantasy game affair has so much fantasy involved that it is difficult to see the fantasy of it all.

 

You need very specific IC to address/dismantle the fantasy thinking before you can even begin to think about anything else.

 

Pretty avatars, doing quests together......fulfilling "game" needs....all with a click of a mouse while sitting down. Real life doesn't work that way. We actually have to get up and expend real effort/energy to make our spouse supper, or fold the laundry. Comparing what your OM avatar did in a game to what your real life husband is doing is not a fair comparison at all. Chatting in a game environment is NOT the same as in person communication. People recreate themselves inside the fantasy game world, they become taller, prettier, stronger, more competent, etc. Most can separate the game world from real life and keep it in the entertainment section of their life, others lose themselves in the game.

[Appreciate]

I have a person who loves me right under my nose at home but i want to feel the passion and feelings i had for OM with my H. I just hope with time it will and hope i csn get this OM off his pedestal.

 

Don't give up on it. Don't feel "stuck" .. liberate yourself from feeling alone and passionless, don't liberate yourself from your marriage and family.

 

I wish my Ex had had enough strength as you have had. But in her case MM had no kids, so it was easier for him to leave. She thought she was making the harder choice by 'following her heart', but ultimately she recognized that she failed her family.

 

The harder path is to dig deep and to also realize that sparks and butterflies are something you can have with your husband. If you fell in love with him before, then there's still potential. If he's a good guy all around, he and your kids deserve that chance. Light a fire under him if need be.

 

Check out the link I sent you.

 

And realize that those feelings you had for OM would not be present 13 years later into a relationship with him. Not even in 3 years. Sure, maybe it could flower into a real relationship but most relationships based on affairs do not work out.

[wasntlooking]

I agree with everything you say Appreciate. I dont feel like ive been strong though, i feel sad almost everyday...yes i ended it and walked away but i still cry for him but i do know right from wrong. But am still sad. Like i said i feel like im doing better and then i say to myself dont forget about him an i start the cycle all over again n my head. One of these tmes i just need to let it go but i just havent been able to yet. My husband and i are in the midst of getting things straighter, hes trying really hard to step up and tske some pressure off of me. I just wish i could get my head into it 100%. I knkw people think im crazy for feeling the way i do over some guy i met online but its not how it sounds either. Neither one of us got into it knowing we were going to have a A.

[wasntlooking]

Thank you for your blunt but also understanding words Appreciate and everyone else. It helps to talk it out with someone.

[wasntlooking]

Are there any other men out there who are going through what i have been? Woyld love to hear from a man who had an affair with MW and how they feel about it

[Appreciate]

Are there any other men out there who are going through what i have been? Woyld love to hear from a man who had an affair with MW and how they feel about it

 

I married my MW. (Hers was an exit affair).

 

Best and worst thing I've ever done.

 

8 years and 2 kids later, she left me for someone else. Some would call that karma I suppose but it was the shock of the century for me. I trusted her and loved her deeply.

 

I believe you when you say that there was something special between you and your OM. The affair bond can be very powerful, and you fell as if fate has brought you together.

 

I think you're doing the right thing. Hang in there.

[Appreciate]

Neither one of us got into it knowing we were going to have a A.

 

WL, I think part of your recovery will be to look back and see how you let it escalate and how you can install better boundaries going forward.

 

Part of you did know, the whole time. The part that got excited and looked forward to playing the game with him. That tingly feeling of anticipation. Whether it was flirting or just that sense of connectedness while with him, you knew it was something that your husband would not approve of, and that you would not approve of if he was doing the same thing with someone else.

 

The secretive behavior, the neglect of your husband (and possibly your kids, too), the addictive mentality, the warmth of the affair bubble, .. These are the highs of the affair.

 

It's fun because it's risky, an escape, and you start to feel like you can be who you truly are or whomever you want to be. It's real and it's not real at the same time.

[wasntlooking]

Appreciate i am sorry that she left you. I understand you must be hurting. I know i dont want to be like that. Its like im fighting with myself everyday.my mind says no, heart says yes. I hope you are doing well now. Can i ask you some questions since you were OM at one point? Even though our situations turned out different. Honestly the hardest part in all this i think is when i sent goodby email to him he just sent back "its ok" and thats it. In general i wrote how much i enjoyed meeting him,and that i was falling for him but know that things will never really change. So i told him he was a good person and father to his boys and that if anything should happen in the future not to forget about me. So that was generally what was said . And got a " its ok" back. Thats if. What do you think he was thinking? Why wouldnt a guy write back more? Was he embarrassdd? Sad, mad? Can a guy just simply forget or does ne think of md. I know you cant read his mind..just looking for a male perspective.

Edited January 22, 2014 by wasntlooking

[harrybrown]

If he has not contacted you again, he loved getting it on with you.

 

But you will not know unless you contact him, to find out if he just wanted sex or if he wanted more.

[candiecoco]

I understand what you are feeling but you are only feeling this way b/c the O/M showed you interest. We as women tend to mix love and lust. Men can have sex and not have feeling but as women are much more in to our feelings. Dont contact him and try to get past him. If you do start a relationship with him its not going to what you image in your head. You have this image of how you think he is and he could be totally diffrent once you get to know him more. People can protray the person they think you want them to be.