Wife wants a divorce if I cancel adoption

[elgringo]

My wife and I have 2 daughters, one from birth and one was adopted from China. My wife told me that she wanted to adopt a 3rd child from China some time ago. She felt very strongly about this, and kept bringing it up and I always said no. We were arguing about it in front of the kids (something I asked her not to do.) She would ask the girls if they wanted a little sister. Finally the stress became too much and I agreed because it looked like we might split up if I didnt agree.

 

Now we are a few months from going to China. We have filled out alot of paper work. My wife's aunt gave us the money for the adoption. Last month I started to realize that I REALLY DO NOT WANT to adopt another child. I kept the feelings bottled up for about 2 weeks and when i finally told my wife she says that it is too late. I told her that this is a huge life changing decision with life long responsibilities and that we both should be in agreement. She says that if I cancel the adoption, she wants a divorce because the betrayal will be too painful. I feel like she is choosing this child she has never met over me and the 2 girls she already has, but she doesnt see it that way. I went to see a lawyer and he is awaiting my word to notify the adoption agency and home study group that I am withdrawing my consent and canceling the adoption. It is hard for me to pull the trigger though because I dont want to break up the family. This issue has driven a wedge between us.

 

We are supposed to go to a marriage counselor tomorrow, but wife says that even if the counselor says that we should cancel the adoption she wont do it. What would you do in my spot?

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Adopting a child is not like buying a car. Your wife is being selfish and unreasonable. You're marriage is supposed to be a partnership and having children, whether natural or adopted should be agreed upon by both parties. She has basically strong-armed you into this. I would not do it. In my mind, there is some other void she is trying to fill, and maybe counseling can help you both get through this, but don't sign on for a lifetime commitment to another human being when it's something you clearly don't want.

[Philosoraptor]

So she's attempting to hold you hostage here? I agree that both partners need to be in sync for such a life altering decision. You need to have a serious, yet calm, talk about everything going on here. Firstly about your reasons for changing your mind about adoption and secondly her attempt to ransom the marriage and family over this decision.

 

The emotional and mentality going on here is enough in itself to not bring another child into the mix.

[Emilia]

My wife and I have 2 daughters, one from birth and one was adopted from China. My wife told me that she wanted to adopt a 3rd child from China some time ago. She felt very strongly about this, and kept bringing it up and I always said no. We were arguing about it in front of the kids (something I asked her not to do.) She would ask the girls if they wanted a little sister. Finally the stress became too much and I agreed because it looked like we might split up if I didnt agree.

This would bother me very very much in your shoes OP.

 

How do you two handle big differences in opinions? Do you always end up giving in just to get peace?

 

I agree with the others that adoption is a huge thing. Your wife doesn't sound mature enough.

[Chi townD]

I wouldn't do anything drastic until you two talk to a marriage counselor for a little bit. And I would ask her to do the same.

 

I do believe that she is being unreasonable. And if you have to put ultimatums, then things are pretty bad and that is completely unfair for her to pull that bullsh*t card.

 

See, a counselor first.

[Keenly]

Get out. That's absolutely ridiculous .

 

 

Sounds like only what she wants is important, and your feelings aren't valid enough to be taken into account.

[yellowmaverick]

Adopting another child is something that you BOTH should agree on or not do it. The decision is a life-altering decision and you should not be bullied into going along with it if your heart is not in it.

[d0nnivain]

What about her betrayal of you? She's not considering your feelings here. The cost of a 3rd child are enormous & you already had to borrow money to make this happen.

 

 

I hope the marriage counselor helps you.

[familygone]

Dont give in i did that with my ex past years because if she didnt get her way she act like a baby!I DIDNT WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE.

[TheBladeRunner]

Not cool of her to do that, not cool at all. If she's willing to cancel Christmas on you for not wanting another kid, imagine what else she can extort you for if you let her get away with it this time. Two kids is plenty IMO, I insisted that my XW and I only have one. Her justification for the second was so my daughter would have someone to play with.....REALLY?

 

I still have the one and when she needs someone to play with I take her to the park....it's cheaper and I can leave the other person's kid there .

[Oberfeldwebel]

If you don't agree, she will divorce you. What will she do next time you don't agree to do what she wants? Now you will have 3 children that you won't get to see everyday and provide for financially. I wish you had brought this up before you agreed in the first place as now she says that you are reneging on your promise. This is way to big of a deal to cave in your position. If you don't want a child, no professional counselor is going to say you should.

[darkmoon]

if you divorce you will be too broke to pay for the kids that you already have, two homes to pay for

[cozycottagelg]

I agree with everyone else that your wife is being extremely selfish and that this should be a decision you make together...

 

However..you never should have agreed to it in the first place or let it get this far.

[elgringo]

We were supposed to go see a counselor today, but my wife cancelled it. She still says that she wants us to stay together as a family, but only if we go through with the adoption.

 

She is also threatening to tell my boss at work that I was having an affair with a coworker. The coworker and I never slept together or went out on a date or anything, but there was an acknowledgement of mutual attraction and the possibility of a relationship in the future if my wife and I get a divorce. So you could call it an emotional affair, but that is not on the table right now. Also, my wife's aunt is threatening to sue me or both of us to get back the money she gave us. My life really sucks right now.

[rosedl]

This woman sounds like she has some serious issues.

 

She is out of control and she is trying to bully and control you to get her own way.

 

Her behavior is not indicative of a person who should be adopting a child under any circumstances.

 

The fact that she is threatening your work shows a unstable and manipulative person who is trying to take power over you and force you to act as she wishes. DO NOT create any more ties and responsibilities with her.

 

A divorce may not be such a bad idea.

[underpants]

Dude, you need to see a lawyer.

 

This is not healthy and will not get better.

 

She has no respect for you and is pulling out all the manipulative stops to achieve what she wants. It is bullying.

 

Call her bluff, the last thing you need is to introduce into this environment is another child.

 

I know a family like what is being described here, 3 blended children and 2 adopted later (he wanted to stop after the first), he works his butt off and it is never enough. Kind of sad, but she controls it all so she is happy, or not. The pressure must be astounding.

[FitChick]

You are getting divorced anyway so quit while you don't have to pay for another kid. Then she can pay for it herself. Why doesn't she take in foster kids? At least the State would pay for their keep. Selfish cow.

[elgringo]

Dude, you need to see a lawyer.

 

This is not healthy and will not get better.

 

She has no respect for you and is pulling out all the manipulative stops to achieve what she wants. It is bullying.

 

I have met with a divorce lawyer already and have a referral to talk to another lawyer about her threatening my job. The funny thing is that she says that she loves me and wants our family to stay together - as long as she gets to adopt. I'm so mad at her right now that I cant even talk to her. Did I mention that she took my laptop into some computer place and they found copies of emails that I had exchanged with OW on my hard drive? She printed them out and is trying to use them to blackmail me. To be honest, the emails are not explicit or sexual but they would cause a great deal of embarrassment to me and OW.

[Keenly]

I have met with a divorce lawyer already and have a referral to talk to another lawyer about her threatening my job. The funny thing is that she says that she loves me and wants our family to stay together - as long as she gets to adopt. I'm so mad at her right now that I cant even talk to her. Did I mention that she took my laptop into some computer place and they found copies of emails that I had exchanged with OW on my hard drive? She printed them out and is trying to use them to blackmail me. To be honest, the emails are not explicit or sexual but they would cause a great deal of embarrassment to me and OW.

 

That's when you say " I'm more embarrassed to have married this woman than I am to have had an affair while with her "

[central]

If she's threatening divorce if you don't do this, then the marriage must have serious problems already. Are there issues?

 

 

Don't do the adoption under these circumstances - you don't feel good about it, so there must be good reasons. It's not like you don't know what's involved. If she divorces you, then you know for sure where you stand in the scheme of things - and you may be better off.

[Yarrow]

What?

 

She wants a bigger family and you don't. You are having an EA with a coworker.

 

This isn't going to work. Just go for the divorce. It's going to be ugly no matter what, but if you wait any longer, I predict that 1 more kid and 1 affair later, it's going to be that much uglier.

[Els]

Your wife is manipulative, and you are a cheater. Neither of you acknowledges any fault on your part and neither of you wants to work on it. I'm not seeing what good can come out of this.

 

It would probably be best to cut the cord and divorce anyway regardless of adopted child or not.

 

For the record, despite my disagreement with what your wife is doing and my disapproval of her manipulative behaviour, her desire to adopt girls from China is not selfish, IMO. Unwanted girls in China usually suffer terrible fates, the simplest of which would be death. There also isn't exactly a surplus of families in China desiring to adopt these girls, as girl children are generally considered to be inferior by a large portion of the population there.

 

If someone is particularly choosing to adopt girls from China, they usually have somewhat noble concerns (although obviously the way in which they enact these could be bad).

Edited January 24, 2014 by Elswyth

[elgringo]

Your wife is manipulative, and you are a cheater. Neither of you acknowledges any fault on your part and neither of you wants to work on it. I'm not seeing what good can come out of this.

 

It would probably be best to cut the cord and divorce anyway regardless of adopted child or not.

 

For the record, despite my disagreement with what your wife is doing and my disapproval of her manipulative behaviour, her desire to adopt girls from China is not selfish, IMO. Unwanted girls in China usually suffer terrible fates, the simplest of which would be death. There also isn't exactly a surplus of families in China desiring to adopt these girls, as girl children are generally considered to be inferior by a large portion of the population there.

 

If someone is particularly choosing to adopt girls from China, they usually have somewhat noble concerns (although obviously the way in which they enact these could be bad).

 

I admit that I made mistakes and am part of the problem. I should never have agreed to the adoption in the first place, and the EA was definitely out of line. Not to excuse it, but I was panicking from the stress and not using good judgement. My wife has apologized for pushing so hard for the adoption and she knows how I feel, but now she is emotionally attached to this child she wants to adopt. I would like for us to work things out somehow, and I am trying to get my wife to go to counseling with me. We were supposed to go yesterday but she cancelled at the last minute.

 

I am seeing a counselor for myself and he said to ask myself 2 questions. 1. Do I love the woman? 2. Is she good for me? For question 1, I dont know any more. I dont hate her by any means. Question 2 is no. And I dont think im good for her either. There is nothing easy about this.

[Ronni_W]

There is nothing easy about this.

I get you, about that. Big hugs.

 

The underlying thing here is that no matter what actually happens, one of you is going to seriously resent the other...likely for a long, long time to come. And which will exhaust any positive, loving feelings that still exist and make you two very unhappy, unfulfilled, feel unloved, insecure, unsupported, uninspired.

 

Everything that you do not want for yourself, and an environment that you probably do not want for your children.

 

Looking at the long-term, I think the question isn't so much do you love her today but how the heck are the two of you going to love each other in about 3 months...and beyond that? What is there now that is foundational to your relationship, that is going to support a happy, loving future together?

 

Really, really feel compassion for all of you.

[OpheliaSong]

I am happy you are getting therapy. If you were in a EA, your marriage was broken anyway. If she bases her decisions on being with you on whether or not you do what she wants, she isn't in love with you, but using you for financial reasons.