Wife wants a divorce if I cancel adoption

[Anne Boleyn]

If this is what she can do to somebody she loves and wants a family with, what can she do to somebody she hates?

 

If it were me and the situation as you describe it, I'd go to a lawyer, protect yourself and your assets and your kids and consider separating.

[whichwayisup]

I have met with a divorce lawyer already and have a referral to talk to another lawyer about her threatening my job. The funny thing is that she says that she loves me and wants our family to stay together - as long as she gets to adopt. I'm so mad at her right now that I cant even talk to her. Did I mention that she took my laptop into some computer place and they found copies of emails that I had exchanged with OW on my hard drive? She printed them out and is trying to use them to blackmail me. To be honest, the emails are not explicit or sexual but they would cause a great deal of embarrassment to me and OW.

 

Why does she want to adopt another child?

 

And, you call the co worker the OW - SO obviously your wife is very aware of someone else being interested in her husband, aka YOU. She knows you two are closer than you should be - I think this is the driving force - Maybe thinking another child will save your marriage keep you at home and away from the OW.

 

Hey, speaking the OW, don't go future faking by telling her that you two will have a future together IF you and your wife divorce. That's not cool to do.

[bubbaganoosh]

I admit that I made mistakes and am part of the problem. I should never have agreed to the adoption in the first place,

 

You are correct sir. when you said no, you should have stuck with it and now it's done nothing but make matters worse.

 

Your married to a blackmailer. She's using everything at her disposal to get what she wants so the next question is this.

 

Where will it stop? You want to live like a prisoner for the rest of your life?

 

You can go to a MC until your blue in the face and IMO it wont help. Your the only one that can do anything about it and I got a feeling that your wife is full of hot air and she's smart enough not to cut off her nose to spite her face so when she says she's going to inform your boss, she's full of bull$h!t.

 

Yeah you were wrong for the EA but she's smart enough not to jeopardize everything, marriage, kids, house over it.

 

Call her bluff and tell her that any more threats and you'll hit her with one that will changer her life in a big way. It's called divorce and tell her in a way she understands it. Let her know we have a large enough family and be happy with what you got.

 

Then I would call her Aunt and tell her to sue your wife for the money because you don't want another kid. Let her find a job and pay her back.

[TaraMaiden]

We were supposed to go see a counselor today, but my wife cancelled it. She still says that she wants us to stay together as a family, but only if we go through with the adoption.

Someone has to make her realise she can't have it both ways. She's the one who's been making threats - why don't you turn the tables and tell her that if she adopts, it's on her own?

 

She is also threatening to tell my boss at work that I was having an affair with a coworker. The coworker and I never slept together or went out on a date or anything, but there was an acknowledgement of mutual attraction and the possibility of a relationship in the future if my wife and I get a divorce.

So you could call it an emotional affair, but that is not on the table right now.

Put it on the table.

tell your boss before she does, and advise him of the whole situation.

make sure he understands this discussion is in the strictest confidence, and you expect him to maintain it as such. Tell him you believe your wife will make trouble if she can, and that you are pre-empting any actions she may take.

 

Also, my wife's aunt is threatening to sue me or both of us to get back the money she gave us. My life really sucks right now.

 

Advise your wife's aunt that with or without you, your wife seems intent on adopting this child, so if she wants her money back, it's your wife who will have to make restitution, not you.

 

Now go lay down the law with your wife - tell her it's either you or the kid, and let her stew on that.

[M30USA]

I've been married to a woman like that. You either bow down to the Queen or you get out.

Edited January 25, 2014 by M30USA

[elgringo]

Why does she want to adopt another child?

 

And, you call the co worker the OW - SO obviously your wife is very aware of someone else being interested in her husband, aka YOU. She knows you two are closer than you should be - I think this is the driving force - Maybe thinking another child will save your marriage keep you at home and away from the OW.

 

Hey, speaking the OW, don't go future faking by telling her that you two will have a future together IF you and your wife divorce. That's not cool to do.

 

I don't know why she wants to adopt another child. She says that she has always wanted 3 children. She comes from a family with 3 children. She is determined to make this happen. It doesn't help that she has some OCD and when she gets stuck on an idea she has a very hard time letting it go. When she says that she wants a divorce if I cancel the adoption, I believe her. This issue has done a great deal of harm to our relationship, and the EA I had just poured gas on the fire. We are sick of talking to each other at this point and I told my wife that if there is any chance of us staying together we need to go to marriage counseling. She is reluctant to go because she says that she knows that a counselor will tell her that we should cancel the adoption since we are not in agreement. She says that she doesnt care what the counselor says.

 

My wife is going around town telling anyone who will listen that I called her fat and want to leave her for another woman. This is not true. She has been saying for several years now that she wanted to lose some weight and I was always supportive and told her that she looked great. Well I suggested that perhaps we could make a new years resolution to both get in better shape. As for the OW, I have not promised her anything and we both know that I will need to keep my nose clean until I am divorced.

[SoleMate]

Horrible situation for pretty much all concerned.

 

How far along is the adoption of the 3rd girl? Is it just in the planning stage, or is it perhaps the case that your wife has met a specific girl, followed her progress, and gotten her heart set on her? Has the child of an age to understand adoption and has she been told she is to be adopted? Because if so, it is a heart breaking situation for the child as well. And it might make your wife's insistence easier to understand. The point is that you both should have been acting as a couple from Day 0 of the adoption process. Each should have been honest with the other.

 

It was wrong of your W to force you and not listen to your objections. It was also wrong of you to not be honest with your W about the fact that you never wanted a 3rd child. I understand she may have made it very uncomfortable and difficult for you to be honest....nevertheless, your duty was clear. You've been signing your agreement to a fatherhood you've secretly been dreading and are now openly rejecting.

 

What to do? Well, 1st duty is to the girls you already have. It would be great if you could also salvage your marriage, but that appears like a long shot when here is this kind of radical dishonesty and manipulation at its root. Your W may be the "bad guy", but when you marry the bad guy and furthermore, sign off on her plans you become complicit.

 

Best case scenario looks like a divorce and solo adoption of 3rd girl by wife, if still permitted by Chinese agency. I'm very sorry....

[sidney2718]

Horrible situation for pretty much all concerned.

 

How far along is the adoption of the 3rd girl? Is it just in the planning stage, or is it perhaps the case that your wife has met a specific girl, followed her progress, and gotten her heart set on her? Has the child of an age to understand adoption and has she been told she is to be adopted? Because if so, it is a heart breaking situation for the child as well. And it might make your wife's insistence easier to understand. The point is that you both should have been acting as a couple from Day 0 of the adoption process. Each should have been honest with the other.

 

It was wrong of your W to force you and not listen to your objections. It was also wrong of you to not be honest with your W about the fact that you never wanted a 3rd child. I understand she may have made it very uncomfortable and difficult for you to be honest....nevertheless, your duty was clear. You've been signing your agreement to a fatherhood you've secretly been dreading and are now openly rejecting.

 

What to do? Well, 1st duty is to the girls you already have. It would be great if you could also salvage your marriage, but that appears like a long shot when here is this kind of radical dishonesty and manipulation at its root. Your W may be the "bad guy", but when you marry the bad guy and furthermore, sign off on her plans you become complicit.

 

Best case scenario looks like a divorce and solo adoption of 3rd girl by wife, if still permitted by Chinese agency. I'm very sorry....

 

These are the crucial questions. Crucial question is will the Chinese let an adoption go through if you and your wife are to be divorced? I'd not think so.

 

But it would help us in offering advice if we knew the answers to the questions SoleMate asked.

[elgringo]

Horrible situation for pretty much all concerned.

 

How far along is the adoption of the 3rd girl? Is it just in the planning stage, or is it perhaps the case that your wife has met a specific girl, followed her progress, and gotten her heart set on her? Has the child of an age to understand adoption and has she been told she is to be adopted? Because if so, it is a heart breaking situation for the child as well. And it might make your wife's insistence easier to understand. The point is that you both should have been acting as a couple from Day 0 of the adoption process. Each should have been honest with the other.

 

It was wrong of your W to force you and not listen to your objections. It was also wrong of you to not be honest with your W about the fact that you never wanted a 3rd child. I understand she may have made it very uncomfortable and difficult for you to be honest....nevertheless, your duty was clear. You've been signing your agreement to a fatherhood you've secretly been dreading and are now openly rejecting.

 

What to do? Well, 1st duty is to the girls you already have. It would be great if you could also salvage your marriage, but that appears like a long shot when here is this kind of radical dishonesty and manipulation at its root. Your W may be the "bad guy", but when you marry the bad guy and furthermore, sign off on her plans you become complicit.

 

Best case scenario looks like a divorce and solo adoption of 3rd girl by wife, if still permitted by Chinese agency. I'm very sorry....

 

We are pretty far along in the process. We are waiting for a travel date to go to China and get the child. I do understand where my wife is coming from and I know that I am a huge part of the problem. My wife is blaming me for everything, but the way I see it we are both at fault. My wife wants to proceed with the adoption with or without me, but she needs my consent. She could adopt as a single parent, but that would take at least a year for us to separate and divorce. She wants to go to China with a friend and complete the adoption. She says that she will get a legal document which would absolve me of any obligations to the child and that I would terminate my parental rights as soon as the child touches U.S. soil. My lawyer has consulted with an adoption specialist and her advice is for me to withdraw my consent and stop the adoption from happening. This would protect me from being responsible for child support payments. I don't want to break my wifes heart, but I dont want to be stuck with extra child support either. It is going to be a strain as it is with 2 kids to support. If wife gets something in writing and my lawyer says it will protect me then I would have no objection in letting her adopt on her own. And wifes rich aunt says she will give her 30k a year to support her. That would be best case scenario but I'll have to defer to my lawyer.