Do women like to be told how wonderful they are - then asked out

[browneyes22]

I recently wrote a letter via email to a girl asking her out. I did this in email form 'cause I wasn't sure if I'd ever see her again, ruling out asking her in person. The time at which I sent the email was literally the first chance I got at asking her out. But, in this note I didn't just simply ask her on a date or to hang. I told her how beautiful I thought she was and mentioned what a wonderful personality and style I thought she had. Basically, I tried to be clear as to how great I thought she was and that I'd like to get to know her better. This is after months of me being in contact with her, which gave me a chance to notice all these things about her. And for me, I like telling girls how gorgeous they are to me.

 

Over the period of time I was in contact with her I was her teaching assistant for a course she was taking at the university we both attend. She would come in often for help. I didn't think she was coming in just to spend time with me, but, I couldn't help but notice some innocent flirting between the both of us over time. And I know from past experiences that when a certain level of flirting is present...there is something there. This is what I experienced.

 

But, apparantly I had it all wrong. She doesn't think that going out on a date would be a great idea. I was worried that the note would be a little heavy for her (there is a little age difference). For me, I will tell any girl I'm interested how beautiful and wonderful she is to me (when the timing is right). Is that so wrong? Now I fear she may see me as an obsessive lunatic which is not what I wanted at all. She does have a very bright and open personality, but not flirtatious. So, she claims it was her personality that I saw and not signals of interst. This may be the case, but one thing I have noticed in past experiences is if you feel like your are being sent signals from a girl, then she is interested in some way. I have recieved less flirtation form girls and recieved much more positive results. I guess what I am trying to say is I'm confused. I fear she has taken my note more like the confesions of a crazy man than a sincere form of admiration. My questions are:

 

Ladies...is it too much for a guy to tell you how wonderful you are then ask you out?

 

I know she recently broke up with someone she was dating...am I forever in her past or should I keep in contact with her?

[savethedrama4allama]

Could you post your note to her? I think its the only way for us to know if you overdid it. Telling someone they're beautiful and great is a wonderful preference to a date invitation, but people can be scared off if you overdo it.

[browneyes22]

First off I just have to say I felt very proud grading your final exam. You finally performed up to your potential...I was waiting for that. It was great to see you pull it together in the end. And I know you were just coming in for help all the while but I had a lot of fun helping you whenever you came in. Learning about how you get goose bumps and purple fingers when you get cold, your favorite movies, and listening to your music (upon my request). I may not have been the most help, but it was always a pleasant surprise to spend time in your world and get away from the semester for a while. So, I hope I'm not being too forward by saying the following... One thing I noticed about you, bad vision and all, is just how beautiful you are. It may not have seemed like it, but you always had my full attention when you walked into class... absolutely stunning. I mean, you have taken my breath away on many occasions wearing your belly shirts/sweaters and all (which made it hard to concentrate whenever you came in late). However, over time I began to see what a lovely personality and style you have. Always very engaging with others, greeting everyone with a smile and leaving those whom you were just speaking to with a smile of their own. Treating complete strangers with a rare sweetness that I don't see that often... that's what's truly amazing about you. I'm sorry if this is a lot too handle, but I figure if know one has ever told you this by now it's a crime :>) And as gorgeous as you are, you probably get this all the time, but I was just wondering if you would like to get together when you return to hang out, get some dinner, talk, or just to have some fun.

 

Anyway, I hope I didn't just freak you out with all of this. Bottom line I wanted you to know you seem like a great girl and I wouldn't mind getting to know you better. And normally I would have liked to do this looking straight into your eyes but I'm forced to do this via email. Plus, I think looking into your eyes would be too much to handle for me right now.

 

If you read this before Christmas, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. If you read this after Christmas, hope you got all the gifts in the world that you wanted, and hope 2005 is a sweet-one.

 

Talk to 'ya later...

[Merin]

Well... IMO IF she is telling you that you're mistaken.. that she wasn't flirting with you and she has zero interest in dating you.. then I would believe her.

 

While I can understand that you may have felt she was flirting... it's also possible that this really is just her "being her" and she does this with everyone.

 

I think asking someone out (when you've known them) AND when you had an opportunity to ask for a phone number shouldn't be done over email...

 

While I think it's all okay for you to tell someone that you think they are an amazing person and would like the chance to know them better... I also think that it's possible you may have gone overboard on the compliments.

 

At this point, I would leave her alone.. she has told you she isn't interested, so be gracious and don't dwell on it.

[savethedrama4allama]

It was kinda weird reading your note, from teacher to student. (Though I understand you're just an assistant.) You've been an authority figure for her, grading her papers, etc, so she may not feel comfortable with dating you. She may be creeped out that you were having these thoughts about her while she was concentrating on trying to learn the material on the test. Especially since you mentioned looking at her in her belly shirts.

 

If I received this letter, I would be creeped out. Sorry. Its one thing to tell someone that you think they're great. Another thing to go into detail about hawking them in the professional setting.

[HokeyReligions]

My personal opinion -- I enjoy compliments. But to have worked around someone for a while and not receive compliments, then to get an email full of them and an invitation for a date would turn me off. Doesn't seem sincere to me at all. And an email invitation is so impersonal -- why not pick up a phone and call?

 

As far as your note -- for my taste its way over the top. Some women might respond favorably to your note and perhaps the girl to whom you wrote the note felt you were sincere, but had I received such a note I think I'd need a whole case of Bounty to clean up the gushing sweetness! A phone call and live conversation would alleviate any misconceptions about the note -- there is a LOT to be said about tone of voice and inflection.

[browneyes22]

Yeah...I can definately see all of your points. The relationship was less teacher/student than you may think...it was very casual. Plus from my perspective, I wouldn't have had the chance to ask her in person since I will rarlely come across her on campus again. This was the first time asked someone out via email, I would much rather do it in person or by phone. I guess it is fairly common in college campuses but I have refrained from using it 'till now.

 

In regards to the personality thing...if a person routinely sends out signals like that to people they should at least be aware of it 'cause flirtatious signals are very powerful. I don't know, I am usually pretty keen on that stuff...I was aware of her personality and thought maybe that was all there was to it. But then were some other signals I thought were undeniable....including some prolonged eye contact, her hand touching mine on occasion, and a few "looks."

 

And I can see how noticing a girls style of dress the way I did may scare some girls...but not all guys think of women as a piece of meet you know. I like to admire all things that are beautiful (both created by man and by nature). I should have left that bit out...but I must defend it and say it was put in a tasteful way.

 

Overall, I am new at this stuff so I didn't expect instant success. Any other pointers?

[browneyes22]

I was far from hawkish during our interactions. I treated her just like everyone else, and she would be the one coming in for extra help...much more than what is normal for a student. Uh...just to clarify I am fully aware of how my actions could have been percieved to her and by others nearby. In short...I could have lost my job if I acted hawkish or inappropriate in any way. The interactions were always straight forward being respectful of the rules and to herself. I just felt there were some moments, and thought the feeling were mutual, that's all.

 

I didn't get her number 'cause of all the above details. It would just be inappropriate. And again, just finding her on campus to ask her out in person would be difficult. Plus, I wanted to do it while the situation was fresh in my mind.

 

I suppose I can just explain things in person like someone suggested above...then leave her alone for a while. If anything I would just like her to take away the complements that were given. It is true that initially, there is much to take in. But over time, I feel that all of these comments can be easily digested. I know I don't mind complements.

[fundamental]

Never tell a woman how wonderful she is, until you truly know her. Putting her on a pedestal is putting her off. NEVER EVER DO IT!!!

[gridiron]

If you have to say "I hope I don't freak you out" at the end, then it is time to hold down the backspace button and start over.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by gridiron

If you have to say "I hope I don't freak you out" at the end, then it is time to hold down the backspace button and start over.

 

That pretty much sums it up! I couldn't have said it better.

 

 

gridiron (Hi fellow Houstonian!) - you outta put that in your signature line!

[gridiron]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

gridiron (Hi fellow Houstonian!) - you outta put that in your signature line!

Hey there. I don't believe in signature lines, though I see that you certainly do.

Or maybe I am still in search of the perfect one.

[Merin]

Originally posted by gridiron

If you have to say "I hope I don't freak you out" at the end, then it is time to hold down the backspace button and start over.

 

:Merin writes this down:

 

Very good indication that you've said something that you're pretty much certain you did freak someone out...

 

A lot like saying.. "Hey theres a guy behind you dressed in a black robe, with a hatchet... name tag says Grim.. but hey DON'T FREAK OUT"

[browneyes22]

Wow...I had no idea this was so ULTRA creepy to people. I should have kept it simple. Thought I must confess being lonely does make one do drastic things sometimes. Of course, I new that this would potentially be starteling. The thing is we had gotten to know one another so it's not like I did this to a total stranger. We saw each other, and talked with one another on a very regular basis. And yes, she does poses a very charming personality...that's it. I have witnessed lots of girls who flirt with anyone that has a pulse...this is not her. To me, I recieved undeniable signs of interest and gave back equal signs as well. I thought this was clear. I also thought if she was at all on the fence about me, my comments may win her over. Boy was I wrong.

 

Sure most people will think I am crazy and am reading into things too much. However, I have recieved more direct and agressive signals from females in the past...shoot often times they will express there interest verbally. But then when I would turn it around and ask them to hang, talk, or on a date they would act as if it is coming out of knowhere. Look...the letter was over the top, but my normal efforts in the past didn't work either. It seems to me that I come across women whom give out signals without even knowing (or caring). Think what you want but to me this is unfair 'cause I am confused now. And I don't obsess, I don't stalk, I simply react to situations that present themselves. So if women are doing this just to play games...that's just not cool.

 

Plus...I do like to admire things of beauty more so than most people. A beautiful girl to me is like a beatuful bed of roses or a beautiful sunset. Commenting on a girls style of dress is equal to saying I like how the sky turns purple when the sun sets. It's all in a very tasteful manner. But I realize that women aren't objects and they feelings. I should think a bit more about handing out these comments in the future.

 

So anyway I am leaving this girl be for the time being. I don't plan on asking her out again but I would like to apologize in person to her in the future. I just don't want her to think I am some crazed lunatic and would like to be friends to some degree.

[Pocky]

I mean, you have taken my breath away on many occasions wearing your belly shirts/sweaters and all (which made it hard to concentrate whenever you came in late).

 

 

I'm not sure I'd say this if you write a letter to another girl.

[browneyes22]

Originally posted by Pocky

I'm not sure I'd say this if you write a letter to another girl.

 

Never said I would...basically I learned my lesson. It was a case of letting my inner dialogue out where it shouldn't be.

 

I must say I am a bit confused though 'cause i've seen guys do much more foolish things and are still succesful at dating. Makes me feel like I have to be perfect to women whom have all these different ideas of what is perfect to them. Makes it seem impossible to me at times.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by browneyes22

I must say I am a bit confused though 'cause i've seen guys do much more foolish things and are still succesful at dating. Makes me feel like I have to be perfect to women whom have all these different ideas of what is perfect to them. Makes it seem impossible to me at times.

 

I never looked for perfection. I just looked for someone that made wise decisions. If you really thought about what you were writing and to whom you were writing it to, you would have probably realized it wasn't the best way to approach it.

 

Personally, I think that it's inappropriate that as the teacher's assistant you solicited a student for a relationship. I work at a university and I'm sure that would be frowned upon. If you had met her outside the school, that would be different, but you had a specific responsibility in your role as an employee at the university and you over-stepped the boundary. It would be like my boss asking me out on a date. Absolutely inappropriate.

[browneyes22]

Originally posted by Pocky

I never looked for perfection. I just looked for someone that made wise decisions. If you really thought about what you were writing and to whom you were writing it to, you would have probably realized it wasn't the best way to approach it.

 

Maybe I should put it differently...I have witnessed guys consistently make decisions that are not wise yet are still succesful in dating. True what I did wasn't wise, but I have seen much worse. Point is, I feel any minor infraction I make ruins my chances. When in comparison I get to here stories about how guys treat women like complete dogs, and bring them down by the poor choices they make in their lives but yet are still getting dates. I am a responsible young guy whom doesn't make poor choices in life...and like to treat women with respect. But I am also human and am prone to mistakes like the one I just made.

 

Originally posted by Pocky

Personally, I think that it's inappropriate that as the teacher's assistant you solicited a student for a relationship. I work at a university and I'm sure that would be frowned upon. If you had met her outside the school, that would be different, but you had a specific responsibility in your role as an employee at the university and you over-stepped the boundary. It would be like my boss asking me out on a date. Absolutely inappropriate.

 

OK...I am a graduate student at a research university. Being a TA affords me the luxury of going to grad school. But I never solicited her for a date while she was my student. This was done after the semester was over...when all the coursework was said and done. As a student she was never treated any differently. I wouldn't take that chance. I see that your offended but it is common for undergraduate and graduates to meet, and even ask one another out (meaning undergrad students have been known to ask out grad students after the semester ended), through the TA/student relationship. Just recently I heard of two people getting married whom met in a similar way (the groom was the TA and the bride was the student). Point is that it happens, and I apparantly am not alone in thinking it isn't inappropriate. It all depends on the situation...and in this situation I felt there was something there, waited until I was sure and until the semester was over, then I inquired.

[Pocky]

Maybe I should put it differently...I have witnessed guys consistently make decisions that are not wise yet are still succesful in dating. True what I did wasn't wise, but I have seen much worse. Point is, I feel any minor infraction I make ruins my chances. When in comparison I get to here stories about how guys treat women like complete dogs, and bring them down by the poor choices they make in their lives but yet are still getting dates. I am a responsible young guy whom doesn't make poor choices in life...and like to treat women with respect. But I am also human and am prone to mistakes like the one I just made.

 

I wouldn't say any minor infraction ruins your chances and I think it's understandable to make mistakes, but it's hard to overlook a mistake when the person doesn't even know you. Unfortunately, first contact is the hardest thing because it can give someone the wrong impression and often times people respond to the first impression and retract from any further interest. And you have to keep in mind that shared interest needs to be present in order for there to be a chance. Maybe you're reading women wrong and you're making advances towards people that have no interest in you. In that case, you will always fail.

 

Personally for me the letter was over the top. I would have written something less dramatic. I would have kept it simple up front and allowed my opinions and feelings to surface after a relationship had been formed - meaning that I'd at least get to comfortable place with the person before saying everything you said. Your letter sounded like infatuation and for me, infatuation is a turn off. I don't want someone infatuated with me. I want someone that's going to see all my great qualities and all my crappy qualities and still like me for who I am. Not because they've created this image of a wonderful person in their mind. Especially, if they don't even know me, yet.

 

 

OK...I am a graduate student at a research university. Being a TA affords me the luxury of going to grad school. But I never solicited her for a date while she was my student. This was done after the semester was over...when all the coursework was said and done. As a student she was never treated any differently. I wouldn't take that chance. I see that your offended but it is common for undergraduate and graduates to meet, and even ask one another out (meaning undergrad students have been known to ask out grad students after the semester ended), through the TA/student relationship. Just recently I heard of two people getting married whom met in a similar way (the groom was the TA and the bride was the student). Point is that it happens, and I apparantly am not alone in thinking it isn't inappropriate. It all depends on the situation...and in this situation I felt there was something there, waited until I was sure and until the semester was over, then I inquired.

 

I'm not offended - I just think it was inappropriate. I think if you had met her at a bar one night and after talking decided to ask her out it would be acceptable. If you were her TA and after the semester you saw her at a football game, initiated a conversation, then it'd be acceptable to ask her out. You did not have any form of personal rapport with her and your entire relationship was founded within a professional atmosphere. I find it unacceptable that you used information (her email address) gained from a professional relationship with her to make advances towards her when you were not aware of her interests. If my boss pulled up my personnel file and got my home phone number to ask me out I'd be perturbed.

 

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I've been sexually harassed in more jobs than I can count so I'm touchy when I see someone making advances within a professional context.

[browneyes22]

Originally posted by Pocky

...but it's hard to overlook a mistake when the person doesn't even know you.

 

Yeah this is true...but we had spent so much time together that we were getting to know one another on a normal level.

 

Originally posted by Pocky

Maybe you're reading women wrong and you're making advances towards people that have no interest in you. In that case, you will always fail.

 

This is true but I have often had some concrete advances from women in the past that have lead to nothing. Makes you go nuts.

 

Originally posted by Pocky

Personally for me the letter was over the top. I would have written something less dramatic. I would have kept it simple up front and allowed my opinions and feelings to surface after a relationship had been formed - meaning that I'd at least get to comfortable place with the person before saying everything you said. Your letter sounded like infatuation and for me, infatuation is a turn off. I don't want someone infatuated with me. I want someone that's going to see all my great qualities and all my crappy qualities and still like me for who I am. Not because they've created this image of a wonderful person in their mind. Especially, if they don't even know me, yet.

 

Yes it did sound like infatuation and this is my biggest regret 'cause I'm not infatuated with her. I guess I wanted her to say yes so bad I just over did it. And I too want to see women for who they are just like I want them to see who I am.

 

Originally posted by Pocky

I'm not offended - I just think it was inappropriate. I think if you had met her at a bar one night and after talking decided to ask her out it would be acceptable. If you were her TA and after the semester you saw her at a football game, initiated a conversation, then it'd be acceptable to ask her out. You did not have any form of personal rapport with her and your entire relationship was founded within a professional atmosphere. I find it unacceptable that you used information (her email address) gained from a professional relationship with her to make advances towards her when you were not aware of her interests. If my boss pulled up my personnel file and got my home phone number to ask me out I'd be perturbed.

 

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I've been sexually harassed in more jobs than I can count so I'm touchy when I see someone making advances within a professional context.

 

I believed over time we developed a personal rapport. In fact, others noticed this as well. None of this getting to know one another was in the class room but was outside the class room, on campus, in many different situations (both for helping her and just saying hello and conversing). I didn't hunt down her email address for this...we already had an email correspondance. We saw each other quite often, and I often found times our conversations would go from help to normal topics that people often talk about when they are trying to get to know one another.

 

Plus I wouldn't have seen this girl again on campus 'cause our paths would not have likely crossed. Look, the school I attend is 75% male, so if you see a girl you like you have to do something about it or you will likely miss your chance. This is why I chose to email her, and it is common to do so around hear even thought I was never a big fan. I myself have been asked out via email. And having personally tried it I am still not a fan.

 

It's ok to be sensitive to this type of thing - expecially if you have been sexually harassed in the past. It's just that there are guys like me out there that just don't do that - but get misunderstood when we overshoot our mouths sometime. I've been out of practice with the ladies for a while and am a bit rusty. As a result letters like this happen and get percieved to be meant in a derogatory way when that is anything but the case. I just have to be mindfull how things percieved in this day and age.