Girlfriend Stayed the night at a friends house (male)

[yonex]

Hey all,

 

I've been together with my girlfriend for nearly a year and this is my first serious relationship. I did trust her but something happened recently that made me feel sickened. I texted her asking what she did last night, and she replied I stayed over at a friends house (hes straight). I told her this disturbed me, but she said he was just a friend and that they have never done anything before. As far as I know she was hanging out and stayed the night. I'm going to talk to her about it today in person to figure out the details. My girlfriend is quite different from me, shes quite social with lots of friends, and I am more reserved but still this worries me. Also before we we're dating she was FWB with some guy. She's 19 and I'm 23.

 

A few months back, she left her phone around and I looked around at her texts and no signs of cheating. She even was texting her girlfriend saying she never had sex for months until I was ready, and she was glad we did finally.

 

So the problem is I don't really know if he's just a friend or something else is going on here, and I need other opinions please.

 

Thanks

[Philosoraptor]

Do you have any reason not to trust her? You seem really insecure. Between snooping and your instant worries about her leaving you either you believe she is capable of cheating or you have trust issues. If you have a valid reason not to trust her then why stay in the relationship? If you have no reason not to trust her, then you need to work on your own issues if the relationship is to be healthy and stable.

[Hopeful30]

I don't think she did anything bad cuz I'm the same, I have so many guy friends that I adore and we always have late night talk/smoke sessions together.

 

I would stay at a guy friends house, I've done it before (and nothing sexual) but I know that the guy i'm seeing wouldn't be comfortable with that, so I don't do it out of respect for him. He never said so either, but I'm just assuming he wouldn't be happy with it, so I compromise on that and never spend the night at guys houses (unless there's an icestorm outside or something extreme of course).

 

Then again, your gf doesn't know you're uncomfortable with it yet, so I would let this one slide. Talk to her and let her know that you trust her, but it makes you a bit uneasy. If she cares about you, she won't do it again.

[mammasita]

Oh you youngsters.

 

I'm an old lady (38) so at my age, I absolutely wouldn't be having it.

 

However, regardless of age, I don't think it sends a great message to a significant other when there's spending the nights goings ons.

 

This obviously makes you uncomfortable, so speak up. That said, I think you have a bit more going on in the department of trust that you need to deal with.

[organizedchaos]

Say something. Just that it is not what a gf should be doing. Would she be okay with you spending the night at another girls place?

[Zahara]

In a relationship, there are certain boundaries that need to be upheld and yes, like Mamasita, I'm old too and feel that there are some things you don't do out of respect and the emotional security of your partner.

 

Besides, if I had a boyfriend and was thinking of spending the night at some guy's house, I would very much at least text and let him know. Where's the communication? The fact that you had to ask, because she clearly wasn't volunteering that piece of information -- it would be in your best interest to set that boundary because you do not want to enable or allow this to be habitual. It isn't right, at least in my old people's world.

[d0nnivain]

As long as they stayed in different places for the night -- spare room, couch, etc. it's not a huge deal. She did come out & tell you. The "evidence" your snooping revealed indicates that she is not cheating & you are paranoid / insecure. Do you know why she stayed over? If it was for a good reason like the weather, being too tired to drive or even having had a drink be happy she cares about safety.

[salparadise]

In a relationship, there are certain boundaries that need to be upheld and yes, like Mamasita, I'm old too and feel that there are some things you don't do out of respect and the emotional security of your partner.

 

Besides, if I had a boyfriend and was thinking of spending the night at some guy's house, I would very much at least text and let him know. Where's the communication? The fact that you had to ask, because she clearly wasn't volunteering that piece of information -- it would be in your best interest to set that boundary because you do not want to enable or allow this to be habitual. It isn't right, at least in my old people's world.

 

Is this really a young folks vs. old folks issue? I think it's just a complete lack of boundaries and respect for the person you're in a relationship with. It seems weird to me (an oldie) that some people equate throwing away any remnant of social convention with being cool and progressive. I'm wondering where she slept precisely in his apartment, what clothes were or were not worn, and if the no sex declaration is by the 42nd presidential dictionary of lascivious acts.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Personally I would happily stay at a guy's house (in separate rooms) or have my guy stay at a girl's house (ditto) but as a matter of respect it would be something discussed before it happened, like 'hey babe, by the way I'm going to Tom's tonight and might crash there so I can have a few drinks and not drive, do you mind about that?' and then do stuff like give them a call before I went to sleep just to show I'm thinking of them and nothing dodgy is going on. This would only be with old/pre-existing friends that I would be happy to bring my boyfriend around. I'd probably be pissed if a boyfriend just did it without even mentioning it to me first.

[jrh1524]

I'm 34 (an oldie)? If she can't see why her spending the night at some man's house makes you uncomfortable she is either very dense or hiding something. This is a dumpable offense to me.

[soccerrprp]

vonex,

 

Irregardless of what type of relationship she says she has with this guy, you need to talk frankly about boundaries. she didn't even tell you that she was going to spend a night at another guy's place and I believe that she should have done AT LEAST that.

 

It's about trust, but it's also about being smart, respectful of your partner's feelings and expectations. There shouldn't even be the "appearance" of infidelity. It gets people thinking all kinds of stuff.

 

Not too long ago, I traveled to my female friends place to spend the night. COMPLETELY PLATONIC and had been doing this for years before being with my gf. My gf didn't like the idea one bit. Even though this female friend was a long-time friend, never romantically involved with me and not my type, my gf asked if I would stop the visits. I said yes. So, on the way back, I took a different route and did not stop to spend the night at my friend's. My friend completely understood.

 

At first I was like, why? She's just a friend. Well, a friend that is single and of the opposite sex....get my drift?

 

Talk to her about this and boundaries and how it "appears."

[Shepp]

Youu trust her or you don't, it really is that simple!

[soccerrprp]

Youu trust her or you don't, it really is that simple!

 

Shepp,

 

You know it's not that simple. I trust my gf, but if I heard that her ex stayed the night for some innocuous reason, I would be like "WTF?!" It's not only about whether anything happened, but also about the intangibles, the feelings that make us humans feel insecure, doubtful.....it's about temptations, the intentions of the other person...a pandora's box of thoughts begin to seep out into the corners of our most insecure psyche.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did she stay at his house?

 

It doesn't sound as though she's a cheater, necessarily. She told you where she was. (admittedly, after the fact...) But you two have very different ideas about acceptable behaviour in relationships. Talk to her about this immediately. Has she betrayed your trust in the past? Also, what's up with the phone snooping on your part? What led you to do that?

[yonex]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for your feedback.

 

I asked her if she would mind if I did stayed the night at a females friends house and she said she wouldn't mind if it was just a friend. I don't know all the details, but she said they were just hanging out and she stayed the night. She doesn't drive and the weather was cold but not frigid enough to keep her for going home.

 

No, she has not betrayed me in the past. But she is quite experienced sexually, compared to me, and since she said she used to have FWB, I wanted to check her phone. I guess it was a bit of paranoia but I wanted to verify her honesty.

[d0nnivain]

If you felt the need to "verify her honesty" the lack of trust in your relationship is what's causing so much angst concerning where she slept.

[StanMusial]

I guess I'm an oldie. Having a gf is like practicing having a wife. I'm responsible for her safety to a degree. Whether or not I trust her to cheat or whatever is besides the point, it wouldn't be her I would be worried about. I know girls who have accepted an offer of the couch or jumped in a car with a dude and then been molested or worse. Sometimes you have to protect them from harm by protecting them against themselves, especially at that age.

[yankees51988]

I don't see the problem if they weren't in the same bed or whatever. I crash at female friends' houses all the time if I am in the area and they crash at mine if they need. Sure beats getting a DUI, maybe she was just being responsible. I'm not in a relationship so it can be a little different, but if your significant other is out getting **** faced, wouldn't you prefer they didn't drive?

[StanMusial]

I don't see the problem if they weren't in the same bed or whatever. I crash at female friends' houses all the time if I am in the area and they crash at mine if they need. Sure beats getting a DUI, maybe she was just being responsible. I'm not in a relationship so it can be a little different, but if your significant other is out getting **** faced, wouldn't you prefer they didn't drive?

 

Hurray! Your gf just got shiddy drunk and partied with and crashed with some dude you don't know. She's now even less capable of defending herself or making clear decisions. Yippee!

[Zahara]

I don't see the problem if they weren't in the same bed or whatever. I crash at female friends' houses all the time if I am in the area and they crash at mine if they need. Sure beats getting a DUI, maybe she was just being responsible. I'm not in a relationship so it can be a little different, but if your significant other is out getting **** faced, wouldn't you prefer they didn't drive?

 

Brings to mind a few female posters that were in knots over getting so plastered that they didn't know what happened the previous night when out on dates. And one male poster that was involved with a woman that had her picture doing all sorts to a guy in an alley because she was so drunk/drugged that she didn't know what she was doing.

 

Control your drinking. That's being responsible.

[yonex]

She doesn't drive. Will find out more info when I speak with her today in the evening.

[O'Malley]

Are you acquainted with this friend fairly well? Do you generally socialize with him, and her other friends, as a couple? I'd be extremely leery if the friend in question was an ex or prior sex partner; otherwise, if I knew the individual well, and was aware that their friendship was longstanding, platonic and that these over-nighters weren't a regular habit, I wouldn't make a federal case of it. That doesn't mean I would be thrilled about it, either - people in relationships generally should avoid putting themselves into situations that could be conducive to cheating.

 

It sounds like you may have differing attitudes about couch crashing. I do think she should have given you a heads up about her plans and considered your feelings about it; on your side, relying on snooping to verify her honesty anytime you have concerns sets a bad precedent - it often can led to feeling more insecure about a relationship.

 

There's no harm in mentioning that it's not something that you're comfortable with either of you doing. See what her reaction is.

[Babolat]

Hey all,

 

I've been together with my girlfriend for nearly a year and this is my first serious relationship. I did trust her but something happened recently that made me feel sickened. I texted her asking what she did last night, and she replied I stayed over at a friends house (hes straight). I told her this disturbed me, but she said he was just a friend and that they have never done anything before. As far as I know she was hanging out and stayed the night. I'm going to talk to her about it today in person to figure out the details. My girlfriend is quite different from me, shes quite social with lots of friends, and I am more reserved but still this worries me. Also before we we're dating she was FWB with some guy. She's 19 and I'm 23.

 

A few months back, she left her phone around and I looked around at her texts and no signs of cheating. She even was texting her girlfriend saying she never had sex for months until I was ready, and she was glad we did finally.

 

So the problem is I don't really know if he's just a friend or something else is going on here, and I need other opinions please.

 

Thanks

 

I went thru this with my ex gf. Her male best friend would come into town and she would hang out with him, even spend the night in his room. It drove me nuts. She flew 2 hours to visit him twice while we dated; all expenses paid by him.

 

Long story short they have been best friends for a long time, she use to live with him, and in her world it's not unusual to crash at a friends house, male or female, after hanging out at night.

 

I would ask to meet him if this is a woman you are interested in. I did the same, met him, he was a dumply player, I watched how they interacted, and felt fine with things. I never liked it, as I did not understand it, but I was ok with it. I trusted her. Him, another story; given the opportunity I think he would f her in a heartbeat. .

 

We recently tried to date again, she said she finally understood I was not comfortable with it, and as a compromise she simply would not do it again. I never asked her not to, she did this on her own, which I thought was cool of her.

Edited January 22, 2014 by Babolat

[acrosstheuniverse]

I guess I'm an oldie. Having a gf is like practicing having a wife. I'm responsible for her safety to a degree. Whether or not I trust her to cheat or whatever is besides the point, it wouldn't be her I would be worried about. I know girls who have accepted an offer of the couch or jumped in a car with a dude and then been molested or worse. Sometimes you have to protect them from harm by protecting them against themselves, especially at that age.

 

Oh man, nobody but me is responsible for my safety. If a boyfriend started trying to control what I did under the guise of 'protecting my safety' I would go nuts, my mental cognition is the same level as any guy I could date, I'm capable of weighing up the pros and cons and making an informed risk assessment before I do something like crash at my best friend's house. Do you have any idea how offensive the idea is of 'sometimes you have to protect them from harm by protecting them against themselves'? Do you see women as less intelligent than men or something?

[yonex]

I don't know the guy, never met him. I only met a few of her closer girlfriends, but only a few guy friends most of which were gay. When I asked her she told me they never did anything in the past though.