My AP is a Loose Cannon

[SugarHibiscus]

Just a vent, I guess...

 

He's been saying things and doing things that are freaking me out. Here are a couple of examples.

 

Two Saturdays ago, we went AWOL to be together as "friends". We went out for dinner and drinks and his GF was calling incessantly. He wanted me to pick up the phone and tell her he was with me. He said he was "kidding" but he seemed serious to me.

 

Last Saturday, he wanted me to go AWOL with him again but I refused saying that we were going to get caught. He said, "Good. Let them catch us. Then we can be together." Umm. No. I told him that if he outed us I would never speak to him again. Just like that. No beating around the bush.

 

I've been careful to tell him that I will never leave my husband for him. I have not faked a future for us. He talks about us ending up together all the time now.

 

When this started we said that it would never lead to us leaving our others. His live in GF is knocked up...she "accidentally" forgot to take her pill. I guess she heard her clock ticking...

 

Thoughts?? NC? I think I have to let him down easy or it's really going to explode in my face.

[Got it]

I think it is going to blow up in your face. Sorry. Affairs are like russian roulette and I don't think the married party really understands how uncontrollable things are when people start thinking and acting independently.

 

He seems to be ready to move things forward now even without your consent. I am not sure that there is a way to let him down easy enough to keep him "towing the line".

 

You may be he is an unknown entity now and not controllable/predictable. Do you have a plan in place if he goes AWOL?

 

The best defense is a good offense. You have two options, one try and start cleaning things up as well as you can and putting together a good excuse/blame game when he confronts your husband. Option two, you tell your husband, taking away any power the OM may have and go from there.

[darkmoon]

phase out your meetings, become slightly less reliable so that you have to postpone now and again, not cancel, too obvious, but gently make meetings less frequent, he has a girlfriend so he is busy anyway, do not answer his calls so quickly anymore either

 

 

telling your husband is asking for a divorce or at least being resented and not forgiven, let him keep his pride

[peaksandvalleys]

I think it is going to blow up in your face. Sorry. Affairs are like russian roulette and I don't think the married party really understands how uncontrollable things are when people start thinking and acting independently.

 

He seems to be ready to move things forward now even without your consent. I am not sure that there is a way to let him down easy enough to keep him "towing the line".

 

You may be he is an unknown entity now and not controllable/predictable. Do you have a plan in place if he goes AWOL?

 

The best defense is a good offense. You have two options, one try and start cleaning things up as well as you can and putting together a good excuse/blame game when he confronts your husband. Option two, you tell your husband, taking away any power the OM may have and go from there.

 

 

I think you should read my story and realize just how badly it can blow up. For all those who think they won't get caught there are times when it does happen and any control you thought you had over the situation is no longer in your hands.

[underwater2010]

When this started we said that it would never lead to us leaving our others.

 

 

Sounds like his version of the affair has changed. And that is the problem with an affair/sex without strings. Eventually one person makes it into more than it was supposed to be.

 

 

His live in GF is knocked up...she "accidentally" forgot to take her pill. I guess she heard her clock ticking...

 

 

His version of her pregnancy or did you actually her it from her. There are many things that can go wrong when using birth control and remember its not 100% effective. Either way....its a little to late now. If he didn't want her or children...he could have left a long time ago.

 

Thoughts?? NC? I think I have to let him down easy or it's really going to explode in my face.

 

 

See bolded.

 

 

I also think you are screwed either which way you turn. You drop him now and it is going to blow up. Better that you confess, before your BH finds out from your OM.

[SugarHibiscus]

phase out your meetings, become slightly less reliable so that you have to postpone now and again, not cancel, too obvious, but gently make meetings less frequent, he has a girlfriend so he is busy anyway, do not answer his calls so quickly anymore either

 

 

telling your husband is asking for a divorce or at least being resented and not forgiven, let him keep his pride

 

I think you're right on. I'm going to start phasing out our "private contact" as we are very close socially.

[SugarHibiscus]

See bolded.

 

 

I also think you are screwed either which way you turn. You drop him now and it is going to blow up. Better that you confess, before your BH finds out from your OM.

 

She is a good friend of mine, so I know that she stopped taking her pill without telling him. She told me after the positive pregnancy test. She's in her mid-thirties and feels like this is her "last chance" at having a family. I have not shared this info with him. She's also openly turning the screws on him to marry her. It's really uncomfortable to witness.

 

They moved in with each other in early summer and she got pregnant right away. In fact, the very first month they moved in together he wanted to move out. He has said this to a few of our mutual friends so I know he's not just saying it to me to further our A.

 

I don't think confessing is a good idea. I know one thing for sure though. I am never doing anything like this again.

[Scott Thomas]

Do you love your husband? Why do you think that he doesn't deserve the truth, or a caring/loyal/affectionate spouse for that matter? Any chance your A might be discovered?

[underwater2010]

She is a good friend of mine, so I know that she stopped taking her pill without telling him. She told me after the positive pregnancy test. She's in her mid-thirties and feels like this is her "last chance" at having a family. I have not shared this info with him. She's also openly turning the screws on him to marry her. It's really uncomfortable to witness.

 

They moved in with each other in early summer and she got pregnant right away. In fact, the very first month they moved in together he wanted to move out. He has said this to a few of our mutual friends so I know he's not just saying it to me to further our A.

 

I don't think confessing is a good idea. I know one thing for sure though. I am never doing anything like this again.

Did you ever stop you think that maybe its uncomfortable because you are messing around with a "good friends" boyfriend? And in case you are wondering I used quotes around good friends, because I don't believe you are good friend to her let alone a good one. Friends DO NOT screw each other's love interests!!!! Friends step up and tell each other what a slime ball their love interest is.

 

 

And that maybe, just maybe if you weren't there to screw with his mind...he wouldn't have such a hard time stepping up and doing the right thing? I am not saying that he cannot think for himself....just that if you were out of the picture it might make things clearer for him.

 

 

Personally I think you OWE your husband and your friend the truth...but then again I am HUGE on integrity and vows.

[carhill]

Is this your first OM? I ask because, over time, patterns develop and are pretty easy to discern. Clarity helps with next steps and deciding what is the healthiest path for yourself.

 

As it appears you have no interest in disclosure, then lock down verifiable information and proceed in line with your statement of "I am never doing anything like this again.".

 

He's (OM) not really worried about you 'never speaking to him again'. He can dump some tasty information, should he have it, in your H's lap and sit back and watch the show. If he doesn't have any goods on you, no problem. He moves on to the next MW or continues on with his GF as appropriate.

 

You may wish to realign your social circle, but slowly, otherwise H will wonder, to effect NC, not only with fOM but with your now pregnant 'good friend'. Affairs change social arrangements. Part of life.

 

fOM and fMM here.... seen those parts. Good luck.

[Got it]

I think you're right on. I'm going to start phasing out our "private contact" as we are very close socially.

 

Sugar, you can do that but have a game plan in place. The one that has the least to lose wins and if the collateral damage of him blowing up his world isn't a big deal for him, that he doesn't feel that there will be a large ripple effect, then he will move on it so you can show your hand. Being socially connected will keep the contact, which makes completely eradicating from your life hard and his ability to impact your world much greater.

 

I don't understand the strategy of an OP doing this but it is not uncommon to force a dday to try and effect change. There have been many MP who try and "manage" the parties to avoid a dday but it is rarely successful especially if it involves ending one of the relationships.

 

So, if you are trying to avoid things, which may be a losing battle, your best defense is building your offense. He is no longer "with" you, he is against you so plan accordingly. To not assume you can predict his thoughts and behaviors and plan for the worst, hope for the best.

[darkmoon]

become a bit boring, repeat yourself now and again, take up an opinion that he does not agree with as well, less compatible, see

[SugarHibiscus]

I think you should read my story and realize just how badly it can blow up. For all those who think they won't get caught there are times when it does happen and any control you thought you had over the situation is no longer in your hands.

 

Hi Peaks,

 

I just read (most) of your story. My H had an affair a few years ago and I must say I didn't have the grace, decorum or strength to react the way you did. I think that part of the reason I'm behaving the way I am is a passive aggressive way to get back at him. You, my friend, took the nobler route. I'm glad you didn't shoot anyone.

[SugarHibiscus]

Do you love your husband? Why do you think that he doesn't deserve the truth, or a caring/loyal/affectionate spouse for that matter? Any chance your A might be discovered?

 

If my husband got what he deserved, he'd be in a world of suffering. Do I love him? It depends how you define love. For better or worse, right? If you read some of my previous posts you'll see why I resent him so much.

 

I think there is a good chance we'll be discovered.

 

More in a little...

Edited January 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[SugarHibiscus]

Did you ever stop you think that maybe its uncomfortable because you are messing around with a "good friends" boyfriend? And in case you are wondering I used quotes around good friends, because I don't believe you are good friend to her let alone a good one. Friends DO NOT screw each other's love interests!!!! Friends step up and tell each other what a slime ball their love interest is.

 

Yup. I think about this all the time. Her and I have a 20 year friendship that started to move into the "frienemy" zone a couple of years ago. People always joke that she's my "sister wife" or second husband. It's almost like I'm having a revenge affair with her. If you read my other posts, you can see the details.

 

 

And that maybe, just maybe if you weren't there to screw with his mind...he wouldn't have such a hard time stepping up and doing the right thing? I am not saying that he cannot think for himself....just that if you were out of the picture it might make things clearer for him.

 

This gives me way too much power. I don't think my screwing with his head is preventing him from "doing the right thing". He has a long history of bad decisions and this is just another in the list. She's not his first baby mama and I certainly had nothing to do with him not doing the right thing in the past.

 

 

Personally I think you OWE your husband and your friend the truth...but then again I am HUGE on integrity and vows.

 

I thought I was huge on integrity and vows too. I made/am making a mistake.

Edited January 23, 2014 by SugarHibiscus

[SugarHibiscus]

Is this your first OM? I ask because, over time, patterns develop and are pretty easy to discern. Clarity helps with next steps and deciding what is the healthiest path for yourself.

 

I've been married for over a decade but with my husband since high school. I've never been remotely unfaithful before. I need to reflect on what was going on in my marriage and within myself that led me to my A.

[Scott Thomas]

Since you've assumed that you'll get caught then I'll take your word for it. In any scenario, you need to focus on your children. They didn't ask for what they're about to go through. Their well-being is of paramount importance.

[Owl]

I'm gonna give you a thought here.

 

You know what you're doing is wrong. You also feel that you're very likely to get caught.

 

What's your "plan" here?

 

Are you doing this so that you get revenge on your H, make him hurt like he hurt you?

 

Have you given any introspection at all to try to figure out WHY you're doing this, what your end game for all of this is supposed to look like? ANY?!?!?

 

You know what this will do to your H...you've been there.

 

So...what's your plan for your marriage, given the past, and the current situation? Let H find out, get divorced? Let H find out, enjoy his pain as revenge for what he did to you, then somehow try to fix things afterwards?

 

You claim that you're not leaving your H...and yet, you'll cheat on him? How do those two things go together??? Very possible you'll destroy your marriage with your actions. To me...your actions (schtupping OM) are in direct conflict with your stated desire (not to lose your H).

 

You need to get your stuff together, and get your mind/heart/body all moving in ONE direction.

 

Personally...I completely disagree with Darkmoon's advice. It's got JACK to do with your H's ability to keep his pride...odds are, he'd rather know what you're doing so he can make his own decisions based on that full knowledge.

 

I think you need to either divorce your husband, or tell him the truth and end the affair.

 

But what do I know?

[chelsea2011]

Holy cow, sugar. If nothing else, focus on the fact that your OM has more than one "baby momma" out there. That alone should be a HUGE turn off on all levels.