Letmeknow Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Back Story, I dated this girl for 3 years. We are both 20 years old and had many ups and downs in our relationship, but we were always able to work through them. We both go to separate colleges 45 min apart, but are from the same town that is about 3 hours away from us. Both of our families love the other person and myself and her talked about marriage and a future life together numerous times. We saw each other every weekend and as many times as we could during the week, but sometimes it was hard with both of us being busy with school. About 6 months ago, I started to get in a really bad habit of smoking weed all the time. She partaked in this every now and then, but would only smoke once a week tops. I would do it multiple times a day. Then we hit a rough patch about 3 months ago, and she hardly ever talked to me for a two week period. I ended up breaking up with her over facetime while I was high...I know stupid...but immediately regretted my decision and did everything I could to get her back. I ended up calling her mom a week later and came clean about my weed and her mom helped me get back with my girl. I promised to both of them that I was not going to smoke again. So we got back together and everything was going great. I then started smoking again and was hiding it from her. See, my grades in school were not harmed by this as I am an all A student, but I would just feel lonely at times and used the weed to get through my day. I would smoke before class and work and was lying to her and her mother about it. I was lying to my own mother as well. I felt really bad and guilty, but for some reason kept doing it. Well then about 5 weeks ago, I was caught about to smoke before I went to work. She was extremely pissed and I cried and begged like a baby in front of her. I even got so mad to the point that I punched a hole in the wall in front of her. That was on a thursday morning when she caught me and I had to go to work, but I had a work party that night that she still agreed to go to. She was pissed on the ride to the work party but then we got there and everything was fine. We were kissing and telling each other we loved each other, but then I got blackout drunk and ended up throwing up on her on the car ride home. I woke up the next morning not knowing what had happened and then she dumped me that night and told me I needed to get help. She told her best friend, her mom, her dad, her family and they were all so upset with me. Understandable because I screwed up. I know I messed up big time. A week and a half later I get a text from her on new years eve at 3:00 in the morning saying, "You have hurt me so bad, but I want you here." The next day she said, "I should not have sent that to you last night, i dont want to see you anymore."...Okay? Then we tried to be friends for awhile and I told her that I didn't want to be friends and couldnt be friends with someone I loved. We got back up to college and ended up talking about our relationship on the phone for a few hours. I got her to agree to meet up with me last friday and I went up to her place and we had lunch. She looked really depressed and sad and I got her to go to the car to talk with me. We talked about the relationship and I got her to liven up a bit and feel happy again. We went back to her place and we made out for an hour and then did sexual things. All in all we spent time together for 4 hours. She kept saying this is not emotional(the sexual things) at all, and I agreed. We kept telling each other that we loved each other and she said she wanted to get back together in the future but not now because she wants to be independent again. We made promises to each other. I promised I would wait for her for as long as she needed and stop smoking weed. She promised that we would get back together in at least 6 months, and if we weren't back together in two months then we will at least be hanging out. She wanted 3 weeks of no contact starting from last friday and I agreed. The problem is I cant stop thinking about her and have an urge to text or call her everyday. I keep checking her twitter/snapchat/facebook to see what she is up too and I feel like a stalker. I get very clingy when I am not able to have what I want and this girl is the person I love and I would do anything to get her back. Her breaking up with me has caused me to find God and completely turn my lifestyle around. I'm finally going to get baptized in a month and a half! I am a great and intelligent guy and have done so many romantic things for her during our relationship...surprise her with sick baskets, flowers, poems, gifts, taking her out to treat her...I know she loves me and still sees a future and hopes we can regain trust in the future. Any ideas or advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Saurren Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Stick to your agreement and you won't have to regret some things you might text her while on NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Letmeknow Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 I broke the no contact 3 days ago. And said this is bs we should be talking. we exchanged a few texts and I ended up saying I wish I could move on from you because It would make it easier but I cant. I told her I was feeling down but she was already annoyed. She re-iterated that she would not contact me back until the 3 weeks was up. She also told me she was done begging for me, because in this past month she would say "please please dont leave me.." when i threatened to leave her. I told her it is funny how I am trying the hardest I can to win you back, but you tell me you wont beg for me anymore. I said why would you give me a bj and make out with me for an hour and then not contact me for 3 weeks....she didnt respond to that cuz she had just said that her previous text was the last one she would send. So i already do regret contacting her...havent done it since then though, but i definitely want to. I know itll just cause more problems though. Link to post Share on other sites
Saurren Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Don't contact her until the agreed date is up and even on that date you don't want to be the first to initiate contact. Don't try to squeeze answers from her because this is not a break, this is a break-up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Letmeknow Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 ehhh...okay. Other people feel free to respond please. Link to post Share on other sites
flightplan Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 She wants a man, not a boy. Stick to the agreement and act like a man. You're coming across as needy. Try to guess how attractive is "needy". If you want to blow it with her, keep contacting her. You're pushing too hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Letmeknow Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 I understand that I am. It's much easier said than done. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 I understand that I am. It's much easier said than done. That's what being a man is about. It's not about you or your needs, it's about respecting her wishes and quite frankly atoning for f**king sh*t up. She wants space, that is what she asked for. If you respect her then you honor her wish. It's really that simple. Stop being compulsive. Compulsion led you to smoking and hiding it from her. She doesn't want that. Use the time apart to try and grow as a person and actually miss her. Maybe you'll appreciate her more after that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Letmeknow Posted January 23, 2014 Author Share Posted January 23, 2014 Damn man...a little harsh don't you think. Don't tell me I don't appreciate her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Letmeknow Posted January 23, 2014 Author Share Posted January 23, 2014 Alright, after ready some other threads I feel much more confident. I don't need her and I won't be clingy and available for her all the time anymore. Thanks for the advice guys! Link to post Share on other sites
thedmc Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Worst thing you did to her was the lying. It's not only disrespectful but it completely ruins the trust in a relationship. That being said, You are only 20 years old. Why talk about the future when you clearly, and no offense, have no maturity what so ever. Even if you do get her back and you "promise to change", How long will it last before you break it off again? Weeks, Months? It's tough seeing a relationship like this lasting much longer. Link to post Share on other sites
melell Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Address/prevent any drug problem, and stay well away from your ex, she can do better. Link to post Share on other sites
iworthmore Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 yea, for once be man enough to keep ur promise, dont contact her no matter what happen. the urge will drive u crazy, dont do it!!!. the girl seems to be loving u, u disappoint her over and over again, give her the time she wants, respect her wish and respect ur self. u still have a chance, dont waste it. DO NOT CONTACT HER!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Letmeknow Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 I have addressed the problem and haven't smoked for a month and a half. I will be man enough to keep me promise. How can you say I disappoint her over and over again? Y'all have no idea what kind of guy I am and the way I treated her. Yeah I messed up with the lying about weed, but that doesn't make me immature. Wish people on her would give better advice instead of down right bashing me when you have no idea what kind of person I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I'll be real honest you're in such early 20's from your post it sounds like you wanna party, have fun and experiment but you are in a relationship a serious one that doesn't "agree" with your actions so you have to hide it. Tbh I just think you would do well being single just by how you seem, she would be upset if you left her im sure but do you really wanna be tied down with all the rules at this time in your life? And I do not think you have a drug problem people that smoke cigarettes have just as big a problem. Don't pay any mind a lot of people are judgmental on the net and will pretend they never had any of your stages growing up. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Damn man...a little harsh don't you think. Don't tell me I don't appreciate her. You want people to hold your hand or really tell you what's up? Truth hurts but it's the truth Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I have addressed the problem and haven't smoked for a month and a half. I will be man enough to keep me promise. How can you say I disappoint her over and over again? Y'all have no idea what kind of guy I am and the way I treated her. Yeah I messed up with the lying about weed, but that doesn't make me immature. Wish people on her would give better advice instead of down right bashing me when you have no idea what kind of person I am. You're a guy that smoked weed behind her back. Why do you think she broke up with you? By disregarding what people are telling you and asking for "better advice" shows you have not grown at all. You don't like the advice then do whatever you want Link to post Share on other sites
Author Letmeknow Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 You're a guy that smoked weed behind her back. Why do you think she broke up with you? By disregarding what people are telling you and asking for "better advice" shows you have not grown at all. You don't like the advice then do whatever you want I understand that...and what you are saying is not true. Just because I asked for better advice means I haven't grown?? What kind of crap is that...And the only problem I had with your original post is you telling me that I didn't appreciate her. I get why she broke up with me. My question is how to deal with the no contact? Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 26, 2014 Share Posted January 26, 2014 I understand that...and what you are saying is not true. Just because I asked for better advice means I haven't grown?? What kind of crap is that...And the only problem I had with your original post is you telling me that I didn't appreciate her. I get why she broke up with me. My question is how to deal with the no contact? Coming to an advice forum then denigrating those whose advice you don't like then asking for advice that suits your own personal needs..kinda childish no? And yes you didn't appreciate her because she told you to stop smoking but you did it anyway. You appreciate her now because you know that was her deal breaker and she gave you the shove, you know how serious she was, so now you've stopped. Funny that? Dealing with your question. It's easier said than done not establish and keep NC. It's never about deleting/blocking numbers because that's a technical solve to an emotional problem. NC goes hand in hand with working on yourself, doing the 180 and starting to detach. If you really feel that weak (not slating you but just saying if she texts or calls and you feel you have no choice but to reply) then go ahead and delete/block her number and emails. But give yourself some space. Don't worry bro we've all been where you've been, it's not easy but it can be done. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Letmeknow Posted January 26, 2014 Author Share Posted January 26, 2014 I had a weed problem and was hanging around the wrong people...I thought I was a drug addict, but after going to some sober meetings I have figured out that I am not. UPDATE: I contacted her yesterday and she ended up calling me...I went over to her place last night and we had sex and then I stayed over. I told her this no contact thing was not going to work for me and I almost ended everything and she started crying. We decided to talk on the phone every other day and see each other on some weekends and spending the night once a month or so. She wants to get back together with me in the future, but not right now. I'll post another update in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Letmeknow Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 NEW UPDATE: I told her yesterday that I didn't want to talk to her and I was going to try and move on. My reasoning was her continuing to tell me she loves me and misses me, but doesn't want to be together right now. It'll give me time to be independent just as she is. Hopefully things will work out down the line but right now idk what will happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Letmeknow Posted February 2, 2014 Author Share Posted February 2, 2014 My ex and I have been broken up for 45 days. We just started a period of no contact yesterday because she wanted to. We were together for 3 years and we both still love each other. She has promised me she will get back together with me at some point in the future, but she does not know when it will happen. She wants to be independent right now and is content being by herself and not having to worry about anyone else. She told me she has no other guys on her mind right now and that I should not be worrying about that at all. I love her very much and want to be with her, but I want to be with her now and I'm finding it hard to understand how she loves me but then doesn't want me now. So...in your opinion, should I wait? Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 My ex and I have been broken up for 45 days. We just started a period of no contact yesterday because she wanted to. We were together for 3 years and we both still love each other. She has promised me she will get back together with me at some point in the future, but she does not know when it will happen. She wants to be independent right now and is content being by herself and not having to worry about anyone else. She told me she has no other guys on her mind right now and that I should not be worrying about that at all. I love her very much and want to be with her, but I want to be with her now and I'm finding it hard to understand how she loves me but then doesn't want me now. So...in your opinion, should I wait? Um, why does she need to be independent right now instead of being with you??? My opinion, hell no. Don't wait around for anyone who needs to figure out if you're worth it. F that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 Never, ever wait for someone. If they ask, you tell them in, or out. One time only. If they choose to walk away, they forfeit all rights to you. Oh, and "independence" means "I want to sleep with other men." Whatever she's told you is a lie. If the relationship was everything she wanted, trust me, she wouldn't leave. She's after some strange... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 You put your life on hold so she can be happy, but what is she doesn't come back? Never wait. Live your life as if she's never coming back. If she comes back and you still want her, then go for it. But in the meantime, find your own happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
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