La Chica Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 First time posting…Here goes… I had met this guy few months ago at a bar near my house, and we had been out on a total of about 5-6 dates (including NYE.) On New Year's day I was at his house and when he was in the shower, I saw his cell phone on the counter, and I just picked it up to look at it...Honestly I was not even intending to "go thru it" or anything (before this point I never was suspicious of his actions at all) but before I knew it I was reading his Outbox (mainly I was just looking at the messages he had sent to me, and the ones I sent him. TERRIBLE I know, but I think I was still groggy from the night before.) But then I saw a message he had written to another girl at around midnight on a night that he told me he was going out with his uncle, saying "Hope you had fun tonight, get home safe." Of course I thought it was very shady, but couldn't really say anything to him, without giving away the fact that I went thru his phone...That is until I had a bunch of drinks over the course of the afternoon (I was at a parade all day), and then decided to ask him about it. (I honestly don't even remember how I brought it up; I was pretty tanked.) Needless to say he was not too impressed with me after that. And to be honest with you, neither was I of myself...It's not like I was looking because I thought he was "dating" someone else, or I was suspicious, I just picked up his phone to look at it and before I knew it I was staring at the message. AND it's really bad because I never even got a response from him regarding the message, because we never really got past the part of me looking in his phone. Basically what he said was that I had no idea what the context of the message was, and I didn’t know anything about the situation. He asked me that if I had a question I should have asked him about it, opposed to "investigating" myself. But the thing is I didn’t have any questions until I saw the message! I have tried to ask him about the message since then, but he says he has told me that I don’t know what I am talking about and I broke his trust when looking at his phone. We are still kind of/sort of hanging out (although it's no where as near as relaxed as it used to be), but I do not know if what I did truly is absolutely terrible, or if I should be more concerned with the fact that he never really told me what the deal was with the message he wrote. When we do hang out I feel like he looks at me completely different, and I do not know if I should work to "make it up to him" or just move on. Or maybe I am completely insane? Link to post Share on other sites
heartburn Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 In this day and time, I feel it is important to investigate. Alot of people have ended up hurt and betrayed because they believe and trusted in the wrong person. But on the other hand, everyone has a right to privacy and that privacy should not be violated. So the question remains, what to do? I found out my b/f was cheating by going thru his wallet and phone history. Do I feel sorry for doing it, no. If he was a honest man in the first place, the females names and numbers would have not been in his possession. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 First, are you two mutually exclusive? if you are not in a committed realtionship with someone, then i think it is very hard to justify the "looking" through his phone.... i would think, unless he really liked you, that he was gone. move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Well, honestly IF a guy I had been dating for a few months picked up my cell phone and scrolled thru my crap.. then came up with "I was just looking at it" I don't think I would buy that for a minute... Secondly, IMO the text you read in his outbox to another girl wasn't screaming he's got another girl in his life like that... I have male friends that will text messaged me and say exactly what he's said.. "Hope you had a good night and got home safe" to me... this just doesn't seem like a big deal... this message could have been to a FRIEND and IF he hasn't ever given you reason to think anything different... then I would say you over-reacted. I wouldn't ask him anything more about the message.. leave it alone. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 I think the people who get most bothered by snooping are the ones who have the most to hide. I've had gf's go through my stuff and I didn't really care. I would prefer them not to, but I can understand the concern and curiosity. I've snooped on 3 past gf's. I didn't right off the bat, but after months of my gut screaming at me that something was wrong, I wanted validation. In *every* instance in which I snooped, I found out she was lying and/or cheating. I need to listen to my gut more. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 "Hope you had fun tonight, get home safe." What's so wrong with saying that? Maybe this was one of his old friends and he knew she went out on a date and sent her a quick message? What if he happened to go to a bar with his uncle and he saw one of his friends there and she was a little drunk so as he was leaving he sent her quick message? This message is so vague and so impersonal that I really think you're jumping to conclusions. And no one accidentally looks at someone's phone. Brain tells hand to push buttons. You had to think.. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Everything happpens for a reason. I gotta say something here. If I was messing around? The LAST thing I would do is leave my cell phone around for the looking and I certainly would not e-mail or IM any-one from my home P.C. I hear a lot of that and I sometimes wonder if people are just flat out STUPID. What is this? A challenge? I'm going to call, text and IM the person I am having the affair with and leave a "paper trail" all over the place and when my S/O finds out? I'm going to cast them to hell because they SNOOPED! Now THAT"S a cop out! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Men don't usually send messages like that to women unless its romantic or sexual. That said, as noted above, I wouldn't think that 5-6 dates makes it exclusive, unless there's facts we don't know. So I don't know if its inappropriate. Lastly, I would say that it seems as if he did lie to you about what he was doing, which is worth knowing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Bubbles Everything happpens for a reason. I gotta say something here. If I was messing around? The LAST thing I would do is leave my cell phone around for the looking and I certainly would not e-mail or IM any-one from my home P.C. I hear a lot of that and I sometimes wonder if people are just flat out STUPID. What is this? A challenge? I'm going to call, text and IM the person I am having the affair with and leave a "paper trail" all over the place and when my S/O finds out? I'm going to cast them to hell because they SNOOPED! Now THAT"S a cop out! bubbles ROFLMBO...Bubbles...how do you think most people who have affairs get caught?!?! Because they make exactly these kind of foolish mistakes. They get sloppy, they don't think to cover their tracks, whatever. My case in point. My wife was having an online emotional affair with someone...and in the beginning, he had her checking daily to make sure that there were no log files, installed anti-spyware on her computer so I couldn't catch them, etc... But...after a few weeks they got sloppy. When I really began to suspect something, I enabled archiving on her chats. Installed stuff on the computer, and disabled their anti-spyware software. Now, in this case? Don't know what to tell you friend. I'd have to agree that it does sound fishy, since he lied to her (you're an uncle now?!?!). But, if you don't have anything the two of you have agreed to, I'm not sure what you should expect from him either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author La Chica Posted January 13, 2005 Author Share Posted January 13, 2005 All very good points. First of all, yes I know it was wrong. Without a doubt. I guess it just really shook me up because I really did not expect it from this guy. Granted we had only been on 5-6 dates but things were going quite well and all along I thought that "he liked me more than I liked him." Ha! Altho his message was very vague, I think that it was weird since he was supposedly just going out with his uncle, and did not mention anything when he got back (I guess I failed to mention that after he told me he was having dinner with the Unky, we still made plans to meet back at his house at about midnight so I could spend the night.) I think that's the main reason I kind of freaked out. Thinking that he could have been on a date with another girl before he came home to sleep in the same bed as me. But like I said before I HAD NO IDEA BEFORE I LOOKED IN THIS GUY'S PHONE. I never suspected him to be a playah, but I guess he was a supa-dupa playah, so much that I had no idea. And if he did write the message to a friend or something, I do not know why he just didn't tell me that. Like, "You are psycho, I wrote that to my cousin, or co-worker or whomever." Instead he just said "You don't know what the situation is." Hmmm...(And believe you me I asked him to clarify the situation, but he made it seem like he was so dis-enchanted by me looking at his phone that he didn't feel it was necessary to tell me. ) I guess if he had nothing to hide he wouldn't be so vague/elusive, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 You can save yourself a lot of trouble if you just go ahead, hit fast forward and skip ahead to the breakup. You haven't even gotten through the "getting to know you" period yet, and you are already suspicious and in turn violating his privacy, and he is vague and defensive about it. Now you two are tense and uneasy around each other. Not a positive way to start things out. You said yourself that you weren't as into him as you thought he was into you - so maybe it would be best to chalk this one up as a near-disaster and count yourself lucky to get out while you can? Link to post Share on other sites
Author La Chica Posted January 13, 2005 Author Share Posted January 13, 2005 Word. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 I think that his text message was not what you thought it meant. He could have simply messaged that to friend who was leaving a place on NYE and he wanted that person to arrive home safely. As for what you did...well ...its just wrong. I know that if you were extremely suspicious of him in a committed relationship with major red flags going off then you might be kinda sorta justified to do some search for resolution. It would be easy to say its very wrong to go through someones phone and I myself have not done that. But I was very suspicious and did some computer snooping only because my x was online having cheating affairs ...if they wont come up front with what the heck they are doing with your life then you have to find an answer to push you more quickly out the door to end a cheating player.... Link to post Share on other sites
imokurnot Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Still no explanation? He should be upset you snooped but then also realize why you would be hurt and ask him about it. If he is honest and nothings going on why not tell you the context of the message to make you feel better and then reiterate to you that you shouldn't snoop. Tell you that see you got all upset from snooping and had no reason to be upset. Maybe I am wrong but that's how I would handle it if I were him. Am I wrong or too nice or what? Link to post Share on other sites
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