Any WW's two times over?

[Appreciate]

I'm trying to understand my ex's behavior.

 

I was the OM in her first marriage (they were together a total of 8 years, married almost 2). She had already had a PA with someone before me and I believe I was her exit affair.

 

Seven years into our relationship (married 5 years), she began an EA which after a few months became an eight month PA. We had children together. She left for the OM.

 

Yes, I do see the pattern.

 

Just wondering.. if you've cheated before, does it make that much easier to do it again? Even if you've gone through the pain and shame of divorce due to infidelity?

 

All thoughts welcome.

[Lady2163]

There is the thought, "once a cheater, always a cheater."

 

I'm trying to think of why I cheated....it's been a long time.

 

In my marriage, I "cheated" when we were separated, which indicates there were already problems. I separated because he didn't meet physical needs in the bedroom or my emotional needs outside of the bedroom. While separated, I had relationships. I was also in a relationship before the divorce was officially final.

 

I think I'm the classic, stereotypical cheater. When my needs, whether physical or emotional aren't met, I look for someone else who will meet those needs. Now, as someone who has not had a committed monogamous relationship in 12 years, I do think I would be able to be loyal IF I ever had a relationship get to that point.

 

I do have the attitude of "if he won't put a ring on me, then I won't commit to monogamy". I want some kind of commitment other than the teenaged, "let's go steady". If after 3 months or so of the let's go steady, if he isn't talking about living together or some thing solid, I may not settle.

 

Now, from what I have heard from close women friends...some women DO feel the need to still be able to attract men. Their husbands or boyfriends may tell them all the time how hot or beautiful they are, but they WANT the added ego boost of knowing they can still land a fish. They are usually pretty insecure.

 

I don't know if it makes it easier or not for people.

 

When I haven't been a saint in my relationships, again it is because my needs aren't being met and I justify it by saying to myself, "I deserve to have my needs met."

 

But....uh...I've also never been caught. In my mind, I was already possibly causing enough damage to the bonehead boyfriend at the time, I just didn't think I would twist the knife and let him know.

Edited January 23, 2014 by Lady2163

[hippetyhop]

There is the thought, "once a cheater, always a cheater."

 

I'm trying to think of why I cheated....it's been a long time.

 

In my marriage, I "cheated" when we were separated, which indicates there were already problems. I separated because he didn't meet physical needs in the bedroom or my emotional needs outside of the bedroom. While separated, I had relationships. I was also in a relationship before the divorce was officially final.

 

I think I'm the classic, stereotypical cheater. When my needs, whether physical or emotional aren't met, I look for someone else who will meet those needs. Now, as someone who has not had a committed monogamous relationship in 12 years, I do think I would be able to be loyal IF I ever had a relationship get to that point.

 

I do have the attitude of "if he won't put a ring on me, then I won't commit to monogamy". I want some kind of commitment other than the teenaged, "let's go steady". If after 3 months or so of the let's go steady, if he isn't talking about living together or some thing solid, I may not settle.

 

Now, from what I have heard from close women friends...some women DO feel the need to still be able to attract men. Their husbands or boyfriends may tell them all the time how hot or beautiful they are, but they WANT the added ego boost of knowing they can still land a fish. They are usually pretty insecure.

 

I don't know if it makes it easier or not for people.

 

When I haven't been a saint in my relationships, again it is because my needs aren't being met and I justify it by saying to myself, "I deserve to have my needs met."

 

But....uh...I've also never been caught. In my mind, I was already possibly causing enough damage to the bonehead boyfriend at the time, I just didn't think I would twist the knife and let him know.

 

Very interesting reply. Thank you for sharing why you think you are how you are.

 

Question--did you ever stop an A if you got bored?

 

To the OP-- sorry to hear about your ex. I first read your post as "there was a total of 8 marriages"--I'm thinking wow.. LOL! Did your ex meet her current partner and past fling(s) the same way she met you? Where do you think your M might have gone stale for her?

[chameleongirl]

This is an interesting thread and question. I do think there are cheaters that have and always will cheat, especially if they need someone new and exciting and get bored often. I was engaged to a man who did just that, and I became a BS and very bitter for almost a year, until I got over him.

 

On the other hand, I have also been an OW and more recently, a MOW. It's crazy when I think of how much I hated my ex for cheating on me, and yet I've done the same thing. More than once too, but did not cheat on him specifically. I did not cheat in every relationship I had. There was monogamy, so as long as there was enough intimacy and emotional support. If either or both of these are lacking, I don't usually go looking elsewhere, but am more receptive to someone else's advances when the opportunity is there.

[Lady2163]

Very interesting reply. Thank you for sharing why you think you are how you are.

 

Question--did you ever stop an A if you got bored?

 

To the OP-- sorry to hear about your ex. I first read your post as "there was a total of 8 marriages"--I'm thinking wow.. LOL! Did your ex meet her current partner and past fling(s) the same way she met you? Where do you think your M might have gone stale for her?

 

Did I mention it has been a long time?

 

Both times I separated from my husband I had plans to divorce. The "affair" ended when I was coerced to go back to him. Third time the divorce happened.

 

Last time I "cheated" I moved 60 minutes away to attend college. I was in my 30s, I chose this college because boyfriend said he would move to that town but not the other town I was considering. 7 months later, boyfriend still was not making moving plans and was dragging his feet. I was stuck with an expensive apartment that he helped choose, because he was going to be moving. So, I had a man in both places. At the end of school year, I gave up on both and moved 1200 miles away, thus ending the relationships.

 

I don't know that I was bored with either of them, but the relationships weren't going forward. I was giving more than they were.

 

It goes back to the original premise, they weren't meeting my needs.

 

Believe it or not, I'm really NOT that high maintenance...it may not sound like it.