Another Sob Story

[Paperring]

Hello, I'm here reaching out because I have nobody else to talk to right now.

 

I'm 42 female. Have been married since 2002. Have 2 daughters, 7 & 10.

 

My relationship with my husband has been good for the most part all these years with the exception of his cheating on me back in 2006 while I was pregnant with our second daughter. We separated for a short time, went to counseling, and got back together. That was around the same time I started medications for clinical depression. My depression has been better then worse for years even on meds. Finally last year I stopped the meds because of the side effects which included swelling in the legs and massive weight gain. I was 140lbs when we met, 160lbs after having dd#2, and 230 by the time I stopped the meds. I'm about 215 now.

 

The one thing that always makes my depression worse is when I get sad or upset about something and he proceeds to ignore it and me. This makes me feel completely alone and unwanted. For years it has been this way. But recently, since stopping my meds, I've been more proactive about my depression instead of laying back and expecting the pills to do miracles which they never did anyway. When I think I'm making progress, something happens to upset me and watching how he goes on acting like someone who couldn't give a rats ass how I feel, puts me right back into that hole again.

 

I need a support system but don't have one. He's the only person who can help me. And I kept trying to tell him this. I resorted to writing him a long letter explaining this. He said he understood. Then on Monday it all happened again and I knew that the only way to fix it for myself was to separate from him so I told him last night I wanted us to separate. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I thought there was a chance he would see how serious I am and tell me he would help me thought it. But instead, after the initial surprise passed, he said he had some thinking to do and went back to his video games.

 

I don't WANT to separate, but I feel that it is a matter of life and death for me to get in a place where he can't make me feel so low with his indifference. I get as low as you can imagine during those times enough to probably warrant getting me committed. When I get like that, I go to him and make sure he understands how I feel. I'm the one seeking out his support. He never comes to me when I'm upset or when I cry despite everything I've told him. He makes me feel alone and unwanted. So I did what I thought I should do by asking for a separation. Although moving out of our house was something I left up to him. I figured it would be enough if we didn't sleep in the same room.

 

But last night I realized that it would be too hard if we stayed under the same roof. Because I'm sobbing in bed while I could hear him playing his video game. I still felt alone and unwanted. So I sent him an email today explaining how I feel again and saying it might be better if he did move out if we can afford it.

 

His reply was one that sounded as if this whole thing might be a blessing in disguise for him. He said he hadn't been happy in a long time and he didn't want to go to counseling again just to end up right where we are again. It pretty much was the kind of response I wasn't hoping to get. This only proves to me how indifferent he really is and it hurts so much. I couldn't go to work today. I stayed home and spent the day crying my eyes out then feeling better and thinking it was for the best to be on my own. Then back to crying again.

 

I don't think I could handle watching him find someone else or watching our kids leave me and spend time with him and a new family one day. It hurts so much to think of it. I feel like used foil. Dirty and crumpled up. My husband has no more use for me and it hurts.

 

I'm not sure what is going to happen, but I know whatever happens, I can't spend much time in a state of indecision. I think if he moved out tonight I'd start feeling better sooner. I have these moments of energy (which is rare for me) where I want to roll up my sleeves and get busy living the rest of my life where I don't have to depend on someone who can't give me the support I need. But I know that won't come without a lot of tears too.

[TaraMaiden]

Tears are natural, and that's ok.

It's bound to happen, and you have to roll with the punches.

 

What I suggest you do, for my part, is this:

 

Sit down with a diary, and over the next year, give yourself positive targets....

I mentioned in another post, where someone had said they'd not made any NY resolutions to give anything up - that a friend of mine, made some 'reverse' NY resolutions.

 

Instead of giving stuff up, she gave herself more to do.

 

I WILL go out for walks more.

I WILL join a club or association and meet people interested in the same things.

I WILL go to a beauty parlour every 6 weeks

I WILL start a new hobby.

I WILL volunteer for a local/homeless charity

 

Write whatever you want, at intervals or in time-frames which work for you....

 

It's like a bereavement, divorce is.... you watch the relationship die a little each day.

Well, sadly, perhaps the time has come to organise this marriage's funeral....

 

But look upon it as a turning point for you.

being with him made you miserable.

Being together wasn't good for either of you.

Your children will learn that if something is broken, sometimes the best thing to do is lay it aside and not keep trying to fix it.

 

Like the expensive angora sweater, once it has a hole in it, no matter how skilful the repair - YOU know it's damaged, and you can never wear it in the same frame of mind again.

 

I see from your post that you've also lost weight....

I have too... since last June, I lost 32lbs. And I'm under 5 foot, so my petite frame looks a lot better for it now.

 

if you'd like support in that, we can all help you and encourage whatever it is you want to achieve.

 

Good luck, be well, and welcome.

[harrybrown]

Ouch. That had to hurt.

 

Would he be willing to quit playing his games and go with you to counseling?

 

Or would he willing to pay for you to go to counseling?

 

The only tool that I know of that helps is the 180. It helps you do detach from him.

[trippi1432]

Personally, I think the sooner he is out, the sooner you will feel better. Look how much you have already accomplished without his emotional support. You've got off meds, lost weight, you are seeing your inner strength even though, just for right now, it's wavering a bit. That's to be expected in this situation.

 

You took a stand, there is nothing wrong with that, be proud. He took the way out, that was his choice...just as the affair was his choice years ago. You do deserve better than any of that.

 

I feel you have the inner strength to get through this, there are going to be rough times, but it's time to plan your life with the right people in it.

[Paperring]

Hi,

 

I never came back after writing that because we worked things out (for the short term) and at least it was beginning to sound like he was ready to take his head out of the sand. We had a couple interesting revelations about what happens when I get upset and he "ignores" me. It felt like a breakthru.

 

Now I'm back because things got right back to rocky again last during a 4 day vacation we took more than a week ago.

 

I read your replies and thank you! The situation is a bit changed now, tho.

 

He left on a business trip last week and on a day I was trying to work from home, my computer was unusable due to a virus so I switched to using his computer. Needless to say, I found something. This is how I found out he cheated... finding chat logs on his computer. So his browser was logged into his facebook and I discovered he'd been talking to a single woman who is the x-girlfriend of a friend of a friend. It seems like there was no sex involved, but I was and am very upset about it. He was having lunch with her on a regular basis, discussing *my* depression between them and things were said that raised my eyebrows. Comments like "why are you single", and "your friendship means a lot to me". These are things he said to her.

 

I texted him as soon as I read enough to get the picture. I asked who she was, why he was having lunch with her regularly, and the rest was just me going off on him. Altho he says it's a platonic relationship, I don't understand how he thought having ANY platonic relationship with a single woman would be OK with me. He said that's the reason he didn't tell me about it. I said, the fact that he thought I would react badly should have been clue enough that he shouldn't have done it in the first place. so on and so on.

 

I am hurt, but more than that, I can't pretend that I trust him anymore. I have zero trust left in this man and I don't see how we can fix all our other issues when he keeps demonstrating to me that he can't be trusted.

 

NOW he wants to go to marriage counceling. NOW he wants to work on the marriage. He is still not back from his business trip. I would have wanted more than anything for him to be loyal to me and for me to have trust in him again. But the truth is neither one is the case.

 

I don't know where we go from here.

Edited February 24, 2014 by Paperring

[Paperring]

I wanted to add as well that there is another aspect to all this that I can't understand but seems like it might be 100% my own problem.

 

When I think of the prospect of breaking it off with him, I become energized and it seems suddenly possible to break out of my depression and do mundane things I always struggle to do like take a shower, clean house, get out of bed, go run an errand, and so forth. I get a bit of vitality back in me again.

 

But when it seems we are "OK" again, I get depressed again. What is that?!!

[Tripz]

I was told for over 1 1/2 years by my wife and my good friend, that their "relationship" was STRICTLY PLUTONIC! Clear up until I found her journals talking about him not being as affectionate to her unless he had been drinking and then only just wanting sex. Those journal entries were over a year old and she was still lying to me about it. So....maybe your husband hasn't quite yet stepped over the physical line, but he's CERTAINLY stepped over the line of inappropriateness. I have yet to meet anyone that can talk to a member of the opposite sex about their own relationships, being alone together and NOT have it eventually turn into a sex fest.

 

I hope I am wrong in your case, but it's going to take a lot to build back trust and BOTH parties are going to have to be willing to work on it.

[cozycottagelg]

They always want to try when it's too late.

 

You deserve SO much better!!!!

[Paperring]

So the time of,great grief and pain has begun. My husband came back from his business trip last night and he wants to go to counseling but he still says that being friends with .that single woman is OK in his mind. It doesn't seem to matter that it's not ok with me even given his history of cheating. He's moving out today after work and after we tell the kids what's up.

 

It hurts me to think how they will take the news. It hurts me also to know that my husband thinks being friends with this woman is worth the breakup of our marriage.