george roy Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 Hi all, Long story short, divorce on the horizon. STBXW was unfaithful. STBXW is moving out. She's been furniture shopping in the classifieds. Found a few pieces, and they're currently in storage. And I'd gone with her to pick up that furniture (one place was a distance away, and she was nervous about going). STBXW seemed a bit wishy-washy regarding the divorce ("I still love you, I don't want this, etc."). Last weekend, we talked a little more. Put everything on the table. It was my 'last ditch effort', so to speak. She chose to continue with a divorce. And now that's the direction. It is what it is. So, do I 'be the nice guy' and help her move ? Or let her find whatever friends she can, and let them help her ? Input and suggestions are appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
BlametheIrish Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 Why help her? She has friends to help and needs to.start doing things on her own as thats the route she chose when the divorce came into play. My ex cheayed on me too, if he asked me to help him move furniture I would have laughed, shook my head and went on my way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 I had my exw hire her own movers and I made sure I was not there when the move took place. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 If you have children, I would always suggest choosing the high road and being helpful. However...I'd assist only with heavy items if asked, and nothing else. This is her choice and I while you don't need to make it harder, you certainly don't need to make it easier. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author george roy Posted January 23, 2014 Author Share Posted January 23, 2014 Why help her? She has friends to help and needs to.start doing things on her own as thats the route she chose when the divorce came into play. My ex cheayed on me too, if he asked me to help him move furniture I would have laughed, shook my head and went on my way. She asked last night if I would help Friday with a dresser set she found. I have the vehicle to be able to get it, so I agreed. My other thought is that I don't need Mr. Wonderful coming by the house, moving furniture into the storage shed. The kids don't need anyone else in the mix yet. And as much as I'd like to change my mind and say no to moving this dresser, I'm not going to let her actions dictate my morals and beliefs. I said I would, so I will. This time. But on the way to get this dresser, I'm going to tell her, "Look, I'm not gonna keep doing this", or something that puts her on point to stop asking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 She wants you out of her life so grant her wish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 The high road is always less crowded. I was going to say that if she doesn't have professional movers absolutely you should help get her stuff out because that will get her out faster. Going with her to pick stuff up is above & beyond but since there are kids involved, you would never forgive yourself if something awful happened to their mom because she answered the "wrong" classified ad. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author george roy Posted January 23, 2014 Author Share Posted January 23, 2014 If you have children, I would always suggest choosing the high road and being helpful. However...I'd assist only with heavy items if asked, and nothing else. This is her choice and I while you don't need to make it harder, you certainly don't need to make it easier. That's kind of the thought I had. I've never said, "Hey, I'll help ya move". But what she has asked for help with (so far) are the big items. And she's gone with me. Believe me, I have no intention of being 'sent' somewhere to pick something up. As I'm thinking of it, when we went last week to get a couple of things, she didn't think something would fit in the truck. I could see that after some creative rearranging, it could ALL fit. STBXW: "Do you want to come back for this tomorrow ?" Me: "No. It'll all fit." STBXW: "You sure ? I don't know..." George got everything to fit in the truck I may continue to help out with the 'big ticket' items. If for nothing else than to see how much she's spending on it. Georgie is keeping notes on that, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author george roy Posted January 23, 2014 Author Share Posted January 23, 2014 The high road is always less crowded. I was going to say that if she doesn't have professional movers absolutely you should help get her stuff out because that will get her out faster. Going with her to pick stuff up is above & beyond but since there are kids involved, you would never forgive yourself if something awful happened to their mom because she answered the "wrong" classified ad. +1 I've been teeter-tottering between helping or not. Regardless of all that's happened, this pretty much nails it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 Going with her to pick stuff up is above & beyond but since there are kids involved, you would never forgive yourself if something awful happened to their mom because she answered the "wrong" classified ad. I'm in a similar situation, but I've stopped thinking those kinds of things because she is no longer my wife. She's a grown woman who needs to know how to take care of herself. She doesn't need the white knight anymore to protect her. And especially if she's got a boyfriend already, make him look after her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Yarrow Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 Your involvement in the moving process should be limited to, "Oh, you don't have time to box your belongings up? Here, let me do that for you. I'll even leave them outside for you." But you don't need to help her pick up new stuff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author george roy Posted January 23, 2014 Author Share Posted January 23, 2014 I'm in a similar situation, but I've stopped thinking those kinds of things because she is no longer my wife. She's a grown woman who needs to know how to take care of herself. She doesn't need the white knight anymore to protect her. And especially if she's got a boyfriend already, make him look after her. Your involvement in the moving process should be limited to, "Oh, you don't have time to box your belongings up? Here, let me do that for you. I'll even leave them outside for you." But you don't need to help her pick up new stuff. I agree with both posts here. But if it gets her out quicker, then I'm not opposed to doing it. All I've done is been a body to move stuff. It's on her to negotiate the deal. AND it keeps me in the loop on what kind of money she's spending. So when we get down to the nitty-gritty, when she says, "I only have (this much) money", wait a second, you bought this, this, and this. Which is now OUR property. (I have no desire to take anything she buys, but I believe it will factor in to the assets). I also don't need the boyfriend coming by to load the storage shed. And 'accidentally' meeting the kids. Not yet, anyway. Believe me, as much as I'd like to box up her crap and toss it on the front lawn or in the shed, I'm on the hook if something happens to it. And when she does start putting that stuff in boxes, we BOTH know what she's taking. Someone recently told me that, from here on out, you (I) have to handle this like a business deal. Two business partners who don't want to be in business anymore. And to do everything 'right'. Don't leave yourself open for trouble. The business is closing. Assets need to be protected. Leave emotion at the door. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 If you have children, I would always suggest choosing the high road and being helpful. Yeah, the mother of your children definition deserves some highroad. If you don't have any kids then I would say she is on own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thedmc Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Why be a sucker? She wants out, She was unfaithful, Tell her that next time you call her and tell her to put on her grown up pants and act like one. Stop helping her out and have her do it by herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author george roy Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 Why be a sucker? She wants out, She was unfaithful, Tell her that next time you call her and tell her to put on her grown up pants and act like one. Stop helping her out and have her do it by herself. I agree. She's still in the house, though. So if my eating a little crow and aiding with the big items (she can shop for lamps and towels her fuggin' self) gets her out quicker... I'm not completely opposed to assisting with her move. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I find that, if I do something over and above but it helps me achieve a goal of mine (in this case, her being out) then it was not time wasted. Link to post Share on other sites
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