changed mind about weekend plans

[d0nnivain]

I'm putting this in this section because it touches my marriage & a long standing friendship.

 

 

Dear friends host an out of town SuperBowl party every year in a resort area. Everybody goes down, drinks all day, brings a covered dish to the party room / suite, watches the game & goes home the next day.

 

 

DH & I have gone in the past. We usually go a day earlier & stay in a nicer hotel. We stayed in the party hotel once but never again. It was nasty but the party room was clean because the hosts cleaned it.

 

 

This year the host couple didn't make a decision about having it until late. Now the rooms have limited availability & high prices. We can afford it but I resent spending the money, especially because if the host couple had said yes 2 weeks earlier, the price would have been 1/2.

 

 

DH wants to go. I don't. I haven't actually said that out loud yet.

 

 

The female half of the host couple has a major drinking problem. I posted a thread about doing an intervention for her. I don't really want to be in a situation where she will be drinking. Usually the hosts stay in the party room & about the 3rd quarter I put my drunk friend to sleep. This year they will be staying in a different hotel so I won't be able to just tuck her in. Her BF gets nasty & mean when she gets drunk. He belittles her & doesn't take care of her; his indifference has put her in many unsafe situations over the years which is why DH & I avoid socializing with them except at house parties where we can put her to bed when she gets bad. I know her well enough to know that she won't leave the party to go back to her hotel before it's over. I was usually able to get her in the next room because she didn't have to leave; I also always lied & said I wanted to lay down because I was tired. She usually passed out when her head hit the pillow.

 

 

At this point it just seems like too much money for not enough fun. If we go down Saturday night we're gonna spend more money . . .dinner, going out, DH will want to go to a comedy show. Super Bowl Sunday I will probably go for a swim in the indoor pool & then get a massage while most every body else goes to some dingy dark bar I don't like. That's part of the fun for them & in past years I have been very happy doing my own thing (pool & massage). I'd be happy enough to sit in the hotel room alone rather than go to that particular bar since I really don't like it.

 

 

I'm torn. I don't want to go but there are no good alternatives. DH really enjoys it & I don't want to spoil his fun.

 

 

WWYD?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Why doesn't your husband go and you stay at home? That's the obvious solution, right?

[Emilia]

This year the host couple didn't make a decision about having it until late. Now the rooms have limited availability & high prices. We can afford it but I resent spending the money, especially because if the host couple had said yes 2 weeks earlier, the price would have been 1/2.

Easy to resent with hindsight.

The female half of the host couple has a major drinking problem. I posted a thread about doing an intervention for her. I don't really want to be in a situation where she will be drinking. Usually the hosts stay in the party room & about the 3rd quarter I put my drunk friend to sleep. This year they will be staying in a different hotel so I won't be able to just tuck her in.

It shouldn't be your job. She isn't a child.

Her BF gets nasty & mean when she gets drunk. He belittles her & doesn't take care of her; his indifference has put her in many unsafe situations over the years which is why DH & I avoid socializing with them except at house parties where we can put her to bed when she gets bad.

It's not his indifference that has put her in many unsafe situations. It's her drinking that has. She is doing this herself and he is sick of it. Can't say I blame him, he should probably leave her.

I know her well enough to know that she won't leave the party to go back to her hotel before it's over. I was usually able to get her in the next room because she didn't have to leave; I also always lied & said I wanted to lay down because I was tired. She usually passed out when her head hit the pillow.

While I know you want to help your friend, this is like treating her like a child. Not sure it wouldn't be classed as 'enabling behaviour'.

At this point it just seems like too much money for not enough fun. If we go down Saturday night we're gonna spend more money . . .dinner, going out, DH will want to go to a comedy show. Super Bowl Sunday I will probably go for a swim in the indoor pool & then get a massage while most every body else goes to some dingy dark bar I don't like. That's part of the fun for them & in past years I have been very happy doing my own thing (pool & massage). I'd be happy enough to sit in the hotel room alone rather than go to that particular bar since I really don't like it.

 

 

I'm torn. I don't want to go but there are no good alternatives. DH really enjoys it & I don't want to spoil his fun.

 

WWYD?

Not surprised you don't want to go, the whole thing sounds pretty awful. Not one redeeming quality about it. Why don't you let DH go on his own?

[kjohn]

I completely agree that you should let DH go on his own and you stay home. Good compromise. Everyone gets what they want. Plus, it sounds like the two of you do your own separate things when you go together anyway, so how would you staying home be any different….you would still be doing your own separate things.

 

If DH goes alone, maybe he can bunk with a friend to save money.

[Eau Claire]

My boyfriend and I do not associate with anyone who drinks beyond moderation or does drugs....period. Nor should anyone else.

 

But we are adults so each to their own.

 

Fortunately in our social group people never have more than two or 3 beers or a couple glasses of wine in an evening. These days teens get drunk a couple of times...adults getting drunk is no longer amusing...a sign of Bubbas and losers.

 

If your husband cares about you, why does he want you around a drunk? My partner would not want this on me.

Edited January 23, 2014 by Eau Claire

[d0nnivain]

The drunk is only one part of it. There will be other friends there.

 

 

I know her BF resents her getting drunk & her drinking makes it worse but he has literally not stopped her from walking onto major highways; he let her get on a subway going the wrong way (frankly I'm shocked she did not get robbed, raped or murdered some of those times); last summer she fell out of a boat (I wasn't there) but he didn't even throw her a life preserver. It may be enabling but I'm not going to let physical harm come to her.

 

 

Normally I would suggest DH go by himself but this is a very "couples" weekend. I know him well enough to know he won't go without me. So either I go or we both stay home. We have done things apart in the past & we're OK with that.

 

 

I guess I can put on a brave face. The massage is a huge draw.

 

 

I also love the drunk. She's one of my childhood BFF's. I try not to enable her. I don't see her nearly as much as we used to because she is such a handful. I don't want to enable her but I also don't want her to die or get injured. I don't understand why her BF doesn't leave her because he is really awful to her when she gets wasted.

 

 

I know I can't "fix" her or save her but I wish I could.

[d0nnivain]

My boyfriend and I do not associate with anyone who drinks beyond moderation or does drugs....period. Nor should anyone else.

 

But we are adults so each to their own.

 

Fortunately in our social group people never have more than two or 3 beers or a couple glasses of wine in an evening. These days teens get drunk a couple of times...adults getting drunk is no longer amusing...a sign of Bubbas and losers.

 

If your husband cares about you, why does he want you around a drunk? My partner would not want this on me.

 

 

Good for you. We are partiers. Always have been. Yes. It's a choice. You may chose not to hang out with us & that's OK.

 

 

It's not my husband subjecting me to these people. They were my friends for 20 years before I met him.

 

 

Only the one girl is really bad. Everybody else will drink at the party -- drink too much in your estimation -- but still stay in the hotels (no driving) & safely go home the next day & probably not repeat the behaviors until St. Patrick's Day.

 

 

 

If I was giving advice on this thread I'd probably tell the OP to talk to her husband so I guess I need to follow my own advice. It's not like there will be a shortage of distractions once I get there.

[Emilia]

I don't understand why her BF doesn't leave her because he is really awful to her when she gets wasted.

 

I know I can't "fix" her or save her but I wish I could.

Understand. It's so awful though, dysfunctional codependent at its worst. I don't know how you can be around that stuff.

[d0nnivain]

Emilia

 

 

This woman is somebody I used to talk to daily. As her alcoholism worsened, my contact with her dwindled. I was one of the first of our friends to pull away. Over the years many other friends have drifted away. I came back a bit but it scares me how bad she's gotten; her new "friends" all party almost as hard as she does but handle their booze better. I'm no tea totaler but after age 22 or so I stopped feeling compelled to have a few drinks before going out to "save money". I'd rather have 1-2 out in a fun social setting then go home safely. Getting wasted at 40 isn't as much fun as it was when we were 20.

 

 

I always thought she'd eventually grow up, snap out of it, or hit rock bottom & go to AA but I've been thinking that for almost 30 years now. She's getting worse, not better.

 

 

Other than this Super Bowl trip DH & I don't see her much outside of someone's home because I only feel OK around her when I know there is a bed nearby. I won't subject myself to the drama that comes from being out in public with them.

 

 

If we do go on the trip, I won't see them until kick off. DH will see them earlier but watching her show up at a bar drunk is another reason I don't want to go to the "pre-party" & would rather do my own thing.

[FitChick]

Do you really think it's a good idea to leave your husband alone with a drunk woman in her hotel room?

[d0nnivain]

Do you really think it's a good idea to leave your husband alone with a drunk woman in her hotel room?

 

 

They would never be all alone. A lot of people go to this party but absolutely. I have no problem whatsoever leaving them alone together in a hotel room or anywhere else. I trust both of them that much. She's a drunk, not a slut. St. Bernard dogs (known for their loyalty) take lessons on loyalty from my husband. Them alone together is a non-issue.

[MrMeh]

Do you really think it's a good idea to leave your husband alone with a drunk woman in her hotel room?

 

Talk about cynicism.

[d0nnivain]

So I followed my own advice & talked to DH about the party this morning. He was going because he thought I wanted to. As much as he wanted to see the guys, he wasn't looking forward to the drunk drama.

 

 

Lesson: talking to your SO resolves problems!

[MissBee]

I wouldn't go.

 

I'd be happy to let my spouse go by himself.

 

If I have so many reservations about a situation esp one where I have to spend my money and I already feel it isn't worth it BEFORE I pay, I don't, as experience is that when I pay and reluctantly go, I end up supremely annoyed and regretful of having done so.

 

Let hubby go and enjoy himself since he wants to, if you don't want to go, don't. As for your drunk friend, I'm a great friend but would not take it up on myself to constantly baby sit a drunk friend. She has a problem indeed and hopefully you get the intervention under way, but frankly, it would grow old fast if I had to always babysit a friend like that. It just seems like part of the enabling.

 

All in all sounds like too much money and drama and I would bow out. You go every year, missing one year is not a big deal.

Edited January 24, 2014 by MissBee