The Suckiest LDR "Break-up" Ever

[sleeplessinslc]

So this guy, we've been talking for months. Skype regularly, chat everyday, memorized each other's family members' names and get along so well in so many aspects in life.

 

But things didn't really get serious until we started making plans to meet up. This for me was going to be a step up in a relationship.

 

He lives in the US and me, in a country that needed a visa to get there. He was supposed to come visit me first but his work schedule and parenting schedules were a hassle and a great opportunity came along- a cruise.

 

He invited me, I accepted and I worked out on getting a visa. (He offered to pay for airfare- just to be fair- I wouldn't fly out if he didn't - cuz that would mean- I'd be doing all the work). Getting the visa was nerve wracking - it involved effort and money on my part. I had to travel, I had to pay some fees and gather documents. I thought hey- should be worth it.

 

The most nerve wracking part of the visa application was the interview date- and they also let you know right away if you're approved. This for me was such a BIG DAY. Because I know it will be a defining moment in our relationship.

 

If I get approved, it means I'm seeing him -if I don't get approved-- then it means he HAS to prove his sincerity by coming here.

 

I got approved. And I was so happy about it but I didn't want to tell him right away because I wanted to see his reaction if I said I didn't get it. So I hinted that I didn't get.

 

But of course I revealed eventually that I actually did get approved. He didn't show much excitement when I did and I had an awful feeling about it.

 

The next morning, I get a message from him that he's not ready for where our relationship is going. He said he still had some issues from the ex- and this was something he realized within the last 24 hours ( like during the time I was getting my visa)

 

I mean get it and would grieve less if he dropped the bomb a few days or weeks after I got the visa.

 

The thing that just hurts me the most is - how the euphoria of getting the visa and the pain of being "rejected" happened just hours apart. That took such a huge toll on my emotions.

 

And on our last chat he said he still wanted to see me if ever I go to the states. He says he deserves to see the person who's become special to him.

 

I said meh, can't promise him that and said he doesn't even deserve to see me.

 

I am going to the US on the same dates he and I talked about (only that I'll be seeing friends in the area and I AM PAYING, not him) but I have no plans of contacting him.

 

Is this an adult thing to do (depriving him of my awesome physical version) or do I give him the chance to meet me in person if only to prove I've moved on?

 

Would love to hear your thoughts about this.

 

Thanks.

Edited January 23, 2014 by sleeplessinslc
clarifcation

[ThorntonMelon]

The adult thing to do is to make decisions that are in your personal best interest assuming they don't hurt others who care about you. In this case this gentleman (to be polite) does not care about you.

 

Obviously you were a play thing to him and as soon as you became real he showed his true colors.

 

Under no circumstances should you lift a finger in his direction.

[Philosoraptor]

I'm sorry that you got hooked up with someone on the rebound.

 

Enjoy your trip the the US and just focus on your time with your friends. Do not waste your precious time on him as he was never serious. Sadly he seems to have been using you as an ego boost to heal from his last relationship and it all sank in when you were approved. He didn't want a "real" relationship, sorry. No need to waste any more time on him.

[mammasita]

I wouldn't see him - heck no.

 

Sounds like he was playing you the whole time and when it got too real, he got cold feet.

[justwhoiam]

He was supposed to come visit me first but his work schedule and parenting schedules were a hassle and a great opportunity came along- a cruise.

Now, this should have raised your concern: how is it a problem to come to you and not to go on a cruise?

 

So anything that has come after that could have been avoided. You should stop talking to him and go full no contact right away.

 

When are you supposed to leave?

[HeavenOrHell]

You wouldn't be depriving him of yourself IRL as he still has feelings for his ex by the sounds of it, he's saying conflicting things, but bottom line is he doesn't want to start a r/ship with you IRL.

If you met him how would that be proving you've moved on? What would be the point in meeting him?

 

 

The next morning, I get a message from him that he's not ready for where our relationship is going. He said he still had some issues from the ex- and this was something he realized within the last 24 hours ( like during the time I was getting my visa)

 

I mean get it and would grieve less if he dropped the bomb a few days or weeks after I got the visa.

 

The thing that just hurts me the most is - how the euphoria of getting the visa and the pain of being "rejected" happened just hours apart. That took such a huge toll on my emotions.

 

And on our last chat he said he still wanted to see me if ever I go to the states. He says he deserves to see the person who's become special to him.

 

I said meh, can't promise him that and said he doesn't even deserve to see me.

 

I am going to the US on the same dates he and I talked about (only that I'll be seeing friends in the area and I AM PAYING, not him) but I have no plans of contacting him.

 

Is this an adult thing to do (depriving him of my awesome physical version) or do I give him the chance to meet me in person if only to prove I've moved on?

 

Would love to hear your thoughts about this.

 

Thanks.

[HeavenOrHell]

Looking at your other thread from November, he has serious issues going on with his ex and you admitted it was BS how he was treating you.

Please do yourself a favour and walk right away.

[FitChick]

You were a pleasant diversion from his problems. The real test is meeting. If someone stalls and makes excuses, it's always a red flag.

[sleeplessinslc]

Now, this should have raised your concern: how is it a problem to come to you and not to go on a cruise?

 

So anything that has come after that could have been avoided. You should stop talking to him and go full no contact right away.

 

When are you supposed to leave?

 

Not to justify anything but he has a work assignment at the cruise and was allowed to bring a guest - which is me. I leave last week of March for MY trip.

Edited January 24, 2014 by sleeplessinslc
clarification

[sleeplessinslc]

Looking at your other thread from November, he has serious issues going on with his ex and you admitted it was BS how he was treating you.

Please do yourself a favour and walk right away.

 

Yep, that was the smart girl realizing it was all BS. He asked for another chance. And I thought giving him that chance was the right and saintly thing to do! HA! - that was the dumb girl. We both thought we could turn a blind eye on that elephant in the room.

 

You know what they say- she was a smart girl until she fell for an *******.

[sleeplessinslc]

You wouldn't be depriving him of yourself IRL as he still has feelings for his ex by the sounds of it, he's saying conflicting things, but bottom line is he doesn't want to start a r/ship with you IRL.

If you met him how would that be proving you've moved on? What would be the point in meeting him?

 

It's fuzzy logic - but in my head- allowing him to meet me would just mean I have no bitter feelings, forgave him and has moved on with my life. If I meet him around the time I'm in the US - this would've already been 2 months since the "break".

 

And this is me- just a week after I was dropped like a hot potato. Going thru feelings of denial and making myself believe that he was -- even for a moment , true and sincere.

 

I have cut ties with him- blocking him on every communication platform I had him on. I have not back slid and I even deleted all our chat history. I will continue going that direction. Thank goodness for the delete button.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Is this an adult thing to do (depriving him of my awesome physical version) or do I give him the chance to meet me in person if only to prove I've moved on?

 

Would love to hear your thoughts about this.

 

Thanks.

 

LOL wow this story sounds somewhat similar to mine. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if he had a REAL GF ALL ALONG and it was some sick game or joke to him.

 

Two days before the deadline to get me a ticket after months of excuses/loose plans this Eastern European guy conveniently "fell in love over the course of the previous 4 weeks" with a volunteer in the orphanage in Africa .

 

You guy was a complete douche not only for the emotional part, but to make you pay go through the motions and amp you up then 24hrs later conveniently and coincidentally have "mixed emotions for his ex" sounds like complete bull shet. In a perfect world people would remedy their boredom with constructive recreational activities.

 

Do no entertain him in any way, shape, or form. You don't need to see him, he is immature, deceitful and he doesn't really care about you so why go out of your way for him. It doesn't change anything. And our story is not uncommon; scour this board and you will find many similar stories of people flaking when the rubber meets the road and stuff gets real. Let that loser go.

[sleeplessinslc]

LOL wow this story sounds somewhat similar to mine. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if he had a REAL GF ALL ALONG and it was some sick game or joke to him.

 

Two days before the deadline to get me a ticket after months of excuses/loose plans this Eastern European guy conveniently "fell in love over the course of the previous 4 weeks" with a volunteer in the orphanage in Africa .

 

You guy was a complete douche not only for the emotional part, but to make you pay go through the motions and amp you up then 24hrs later conveniently and coincidentally have "mixed emotions for his ex" sounds like complete bull shet. In a perfect world people would remedy their boredom with constructive recreational activities.

 

Do no entertain him in any way, shape, or form. You don't need to see him, he is immature, deceitful and he doesn't really care about you so why go out of your way for him. It doesn't change anything. And our story is not uncommon; scour this board and you will find many similar stories of people flaking when the rubber meets the road and stuff gets real. Let that loser go.

 

I agree. He's a big loser. I was just so blinded by the possibilities and was too stubborn to let go even when I knew deep inside there was something off about the entire thing.

 

He's almost 40 and he religiously watches the Bachelor. HAHAHA. That's a big red flag there. He was playing Bachelor games when I thought he was being true and sincere. That's what he projected to me- that he was this genuine guy. And I made myself believe he was even if my gut told me no.

 

Again, the most painful part here was just the terrible timing of everything. I understand why he and I couldn't be. But boy- wow, between getting my visa and dumping me - it's one extreme emotion to the next in 24 hours. What a horrible, horrible joke this is.

[nomadic_butterfly]

I agree. He's a big loser. I was just so blinded by the possibilities and was too stubborn to let go even when I knew deep inside there was something off about the entire thing.

 

He's almost 40 and he religiously watches the Bachelor. HAHAHA. That's a big red flag there. He was playing Bachelor games when I thought he was being true and sincere. That's what he projected to me- that he was this genuine guy. And I made myself believe he was even if my gut told me no.

 

Again, the most painful part here was just the terrible timing of everything. I understand why he and I couldn't be. But boy- wow, between getting my visa and dumping me - it's one extreme emotion to the next in 24 hours. What a horrible, horrible joke this is.

 

Yea, I feel you; this guy I was talking to made himself out to be amazing and highly compatible. Some people would tell you to forget about long distance relationships all together but I wont let my own situation and preferences jade me; I am not interested in long distance relationships even within my country even anymore personally, but if two people are honest and realistic it can work I believe.

 

You could meet a local person and they can be full of shet too. So I try to rationalize it that way. I am glad you are still able at least holiday in America. ::hugs::

[Els]

Uh. Sorry, but I've read quite a few LDR breakup threads here that were way, way 'suckier'. Usually when both people have invested years and multiple flight tickets in it. I apologize in advance if this sounds snarky, but I couldn't think of any other way to put things in perspective.

 

That being said, it's a good thing that he cancelled now rather than later, IMO - you probably dodged a bullet. There is also a possibility that he is hiding something that would have been revealed if you had met him IRL - there's no telling what.

 

Kick him to the curb, move on.

[sleeplessinslc]

Uh. Sorry, but I've read quite a few LDR breakup threads here that were way, way 'suckier'. Usually when both people have invested years and multiple flight tickets in it. I apologize in advance if this sounds snarky, but I couldn't think of any other way to put things in perspective.

 

That being said, it's a good thing that he cancelled now rather than later, IMO - you probably dodged a bullet. There is also a possibility that he is hiding something that would have been revealed if you had met him IRL - there's no telling what.

 

Kick him to the curb, move on.

 

I absolutely agree. It's not the suckiest. But it is for me. .

 

I know it's a good thing that it happened now than later when I've become more invested in the relationship. But still, I can't get myself to be grateful for him ending it the way and time he did.

 

I realize now he had no sincere intentions from Day 1 - but why bother pursuing something he's not into?Well, I know now that it's just one cruel game he played. What a heartless piece of flesh and bones!

 

I take comfort in the fact that what goes around, comes around. And I hope it comes around his way quickly.

[Els]

You don't have to be grateful to him, because he was an ass - just be happy that you're rid of him!

[sleeplessinslc]

You don't have to be grateful to him, because he was an ass - just be happy that you're rid of him!

 

Haha! Indeed.

 

Thanks for sharing your thought. I look forward to the future with glee, ******* free.

 

I'm glad I was able to tell him that I do not feel that this "ending" is my loss but rather, his. But he's probably too caught up with his ex anyway to think about that. Lol. Oh well. Life goes on.

[HeavenOrHell]

You might undo all the good you've done in cutting contact if you meet him, still doesn't really make sense why you would still want to meet someone you've stopped contact with because you need to move on, why would you even care about meeting him, but hopefully you won't by then anyway

 

You're doing great, keep on going, don't look back

 

 

It's fuzzy logic - but in my head- allowing him to meet me would just mean I have no bitter feelings, forgave him and has moved on with my life. If I meet him around the time I'm in the US - this would've already been 2 months since the "break".

 

And this is me- just a week after I was dropped like a hot potato. Going thru feelings of denial and making myself believe that he was -- even for a moment , true and sincere.

 

I have cut ties with him- blocking him on every communication platform I had him on. I have not back slid and I even deleted all our chat history. I will continue going that direction. Thank goodness for the delete button.

[HeavenOrHell]

Have to agree, it's way more painful when you've spent a fair bit of time with that person IRL.

 

 

Uh. Sorry, but I've read quite a few LDR breakup threads here that were way, way 'suckier'. Usually when both people have invested years and multiple flight tickets in it. I apologize in advance if this sounds snarky, but I couldn't think of any other way to put things in perspective.

 

That being said, it's a good thing that he cancelled now rather than later, IMO - you probably dodged a bullet. There is also a possibility that he is hiding something that would have been revealed if you had met him IRL - there's no telling what.

 

Kick him to the curb, move on.

[sleeplessinslc]

Have to agree, it's way more painful when you've spent a fair bit of time with that person IRL.

 

And tadaaaaa!Guess what I saw on Instagram 2 weeks after being dumped and being told he's not ready for a relationship?

 

Yep, him and his ex- who probably now is his "current".

 

Hurts like hell to know that I've been a plaything all along. But seeing that image reinforces just how indecisive or how big of a liar he is.

 

This is him saying " I'm not ready for a relationship" and " We probably shouldn't get back together".

 

And him saying that it was a very dysfunctional relationship with his ex.

 

I'll be fine. Seeing that just validates how wrong he is for me.

[sleeplessinslc]

LOL wow this story sounds somewhat similar to mine. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if he had a REAL GF ALL ALONG and it was some sick game or joke to him.

 

You guy was a complete douche not only for the emotional part, but to make you pay go through the motions and amp you up then 24hrs later conveniently and coincidentally have "mixed emotions for his ex" sounds like complete bull shet. In a perfect world people would remedy their boredom with constructive recreational activities.

 

 

Hey what do you know? You might be right about having a GF all along. Him and the ex look like they're back together.

 

So last night I prayed that I could see clearly what to do next.Hey who knew the answer to my prayer would be in Instagram! Haha.

 

It sucks when my doubts are confirmed. That he really was never serious. But I see it also as a blessing that we didn't meet THEN he rejects me after.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience. I really find this very therapeutic!