What's holding me back?

[Monodare1]

Hi guys

 

It's strange, but after my "absolute rage" at the ex having met a new guy, I now feel a strange sort of acceptance. My problem is, my friends and my brother keep telling me that now there is no block to me starting to get out there and date, however, as much as I am attracted to a lot of women out there and as much as I have all the urges a healthy 37 year old male should have, the thought of dating again fills me with dread, not because I'm worried about confidence, I just can't explain it.

 

You would think that with the knowledge that the ex is out getting hers, you would imagine I would feel the same, but strangely I don't.

 

I'm focused in selling the house and getting a place of my own, also there is some changes afoot in my job that could either help or hinder me finance wise, I'm still waiting on my bosses to offer me a package on a new role I may be taking up.

 

Is it possible I've got too much on to be interested, or am i burying my head in the sand?

Edited January 23, 2014 by Monodare1

[K Os]

Mono, I'd say rule no.1 is - Don't Worry About It. Your focus is on other things right now, and it's good that they are because if you sort those things out first (housing, work, money) so that you're more comfortable with life generally, then dating again will be a breeze. There's no point trying to make yourself feel differently than you do. Besides, you've been badly burned, and yes the female of the species is going to make you feel wary for quite a while. It'll pass. Just let time do its thing.

[Ronni_W]

Just because there are no blocks doesn't mean you HAVE to feel any interest or pursue any interest you may be feeling in any given obstacle-free endeavour.

 

It sounds like you have set other priorities which may include feeling more settled around housing, work (finances). Getting your physical/material life sorted out and then worrying about the emotional, sexual is wise and smart if you ask me.

 

Your friends and family are no doubt well-meaning and you can thank them for their concern, support...and tell them also to trust you that you've got things covered right now; that you're not feeling like a basket-case or deprived of women's company or anything like that at this stage.

 

Best of luck.

[Monodare1]

Thanks guys, I just feel like lve been running with a tray of stuff and tripped and so everything is up in the air and I'm waiting for it all to fall into place.

 

Living with my father who is becoming incontinent etc isn't conducive for myself or my son and certainly isn't if later down the line that I choose to start dating.

 

I'm hoping my new job arrangement will become lucrative and help me with buying/renting a little flat for hygiene and privacy and although I am a man and have needs, I feel I would me a more attractive catch if I had my sh@t sorted out.

 

First I need to sell a house and then I believe my stbxw is going to file for divorce as she will get legal aid. I have no wish to contest unless the settlement is not agreeable to me.

 

Again, with my life in such a state of flux as it is, I don't feel i could offer any possible relationship stability just now.

 

God only knows what's going in in the stbxw head, I just don't think she has her priorities straight. The new guy may well find himself sidelined if things regarding the house sale etc start hitting up. Not that I care lol

Edited January 23, 2014 by Monodare1

[RightThere]

If you don't feel ready to date, that means you are not ready to date.

 

I'm 37 as well and I know I could have a couple of women interested in me at the drop of a hat. But I just feel like I'm really not ready yet. No reason for it, I just know that I'm happy figuring out myself still.

 

I spent a long time in a relationship, so there's no reason I shouldn't take my time being single for a while.

 

When you're ready, you'll just know. "Getting back on the horse" in this case is not needed.

[Yarrow]

Just because there are no moral or logistical barriers anymore doesn't mean you have to start dating right away.

 

Just know that from now on you can go ahead and ask a lady out whenever you personally feel like you want to. You have the option to date or not to date, whereas before, you didn't even have the option. That's all it means.

 

Like others have said, don't worry about it.

[Lokie]

Monodare1, I find the fact that you are not hitting the singles' bars and jumping online to date incredibly refreshing. I say "Bravo!" to you.

 

I have a friend who just moved out of his marital home a couple of weeks ago and is online dating already using a status of "single."

 

L.

[Monodare1]

I just feel that with a new job role possibly in the offing, a son to look after at weekends, a house to sell and a joint debt to hopefully clear and a place of my own to sort out, I have bigger fish to fry. The exes logic in putting a boyfriend into the mix totally perplexes me and makes me totally question her priorities.

[Monodare1]

Don't get me wrong, I really want to find love again, after 7 months of self appraisal I realise that what I had with the stbxw wasn't true, deep love, the kind of love when all you need to do is look at each other and know. The stbxw and I had to tell each other each nite and made a point of holding hands when we were out. Constantly trying to reassure each other. In my opinion, that was not true love.

[Ronni_W]

The stbxw and I had to tell each other each nite and made a point of holding hands when we were out. Constantly trying to reassure each other. In my opinion, that was not true love.

It is reassuring to hear and know that one is loved, yes. The words and touches and gestures simply help to sustain and grow intimacy and lovingness between any two people including lovers and parent-and-child.

I do not see this type of verbal and non-verbal communication as being contra to true love.

 

But you are correct about it being wiser to fry your bigger fish before making dating and romance a priority. You'll have more focus and energy to devote to your current priorities.

[RightThere]

Don't get me wrong, I really want to find love again, after 7 months of self appraisal I realise that what I had with the stbxw wasn't true, deep love, the kind of love when all you need to do is look at each other and know. The stbxw and I had to tell each other each nite and made a point of holding hands when we were out. Constantly trying to reassure each other. In my opinion, that was not true love.

 

I believe that true love can be built as well. Working on it, like it sounds like you did with holding hands, can be built into real true love.

 

I know that I loved my STBXW and I know we could have been very happy together. But neither of us worked properly on our marriage, and my STBXW threw a grenade into it by bailing and sleeping with a bunch of guys.

 

But I'm not sure if that fairy tale love really exists. I think it does require a lot of hard work. And part of the problem today is that people don't want to put in the required work.

 

My two cents anyways. I think my track record with the ladies shows that I really don't know squat.

[Monodare1]

At the end of my marriage, I worry that love can have a selfish motivation. When we first me, the stbxw told be she was in love with me three weeks into dating, I felt awkward at this, then 2 months later she was writing a moving in schedule, within 7 months we were living together, engaged and planning a wedding. After we were married i discovered a journal belonging to my stbxw that was written prior to us meeting with that exact plan, the end note being purchasing a house and having a Child although not in that order.

 

I never meticulously planned relationships,I always believe that relationships should evolve organically with no pre-planning, then one of the reasons for the break up (amongst others) was that I wasn't earning enough for her.

 

How was this true love?

 

My previous relationship began as a one nite stand, lost contact, intermittently met randomly in the street 2 or 3 times then met again in a bar, almost as if fate was determined for us to meet. It was a passionate relationship that only ended because she had a child with special needs which at the end of my 20's I struggled to cope with, she also did not want anymore children and one of my dreams was to become a father. That ended that one, but the love and passion was intense between us, that intensity was never there between the stbxw and I.

 

It's the intensity, passion and and deep respect with no pre planning and an organic love affair I need next time.

[Yarrow]

I just feel that with a new job role possibly in the offing, a son to look after at weekends, a house to sell and a joint debt to hopefully clear and a place of my own to sort out, I have bigger fish to fry. The exes logic in putting a boyfriend into the mix totally perplexes me and makes me totally question her priorities.

 

Her logic, her motivations, and her priorities are no longer your concern. You've been posting all over the place and in each thread it's obvious that you are thinking WAY too much about her. Even when you are talking about dating or not dating again for yourself, you are making it about her.

 

Stop it. What she is doing with her new guy is none of your business. If it's too soon for her or it works out or does not work out, it's not your problem. That's the beauty of cutting ties.

 

You do what you need to for yourself and your son and she can have a wonderful life or dig herself into a hole. It doesn't matter for you anymore.

[Monodare1]

True to a degree, but once the house is sold, it's of prime importance that I know where my son is going to live and who he is going to be living with. What she does and who she sees has a direct effect on my son so whether I like it or not I need to be concerned for his sake.