Interpretation

[woinlove]

Our situation was far from the average affair...where the two people involved use all of their stolen time together to be emotionally and physically wound up in one another at every meeting.

We weren't in that situation....we had almost too much time together...I saw him more than his W does. Our days were filled with conversations, work, fun, laughing...friendship. The 'benefits' happened rarely, it was not a major part of our relationship. Indeed it changed the dynamics of things, but the physical part was, overall, a very small part of 'us'.

 

 

It is a long story in itself....but the stress, anger and tension that we had this summer and fall had more to do with work related problems and events than the relationship between us. Yes, the close connection we had shared made those issues much more personal and volatile, but without them - the platonic friendship that we were managing would not have been so strained.

For three years, probably 90% of our interaction was physically platonic...since July, that was 99%.

 

 

So right now, I guess I am trying to figure out whether the work problems or the FWB complications were the cause of things falling apart as much as they did.....and whether not working together any more would mean a friendship is possible again in the future.

Right now...there is too much pain, resentment, betrayal....and time is definitely needed apart. But the friendship, the genuine care we have for one another held us together for a very long time....and that will never change. I just don't know if I can ever trust his word or intentions again after completely turning his back on me...and without the 100% trust we had, I don't know if that friendship can ever be salvaged now.

 

I'm sorry you lost such a close friend and companion. It does take time to get over all the parts, the lost friendship as well as whatever intimate/emotional/physical bond you may have had. You need to allow yourself to grieve that as well as living in the present and looking to the future, which means also focussing on your current life without xMM. The balance between grieving and living in the present won't be the same every day, but you will be happier once more time is spent in the present.

 

I do see a tendency to minimize whatever you two shared that went beyond platonic friendship. It is not simply a matter of time spent, it is also a matter of whatever emotions, feelings, desires, dreams developed along with sharing something beyond a platonic relationship. The physical part can end but that doesn't necessarily mean the end of the emotional part.

 

It sounds like xMM was torn between his feelings for you and his marriage and, for whatever reason, he has decided NC is the way to go. If he has not been open and honest with his W, then NC can help him restore whatever damage or weakness this has brought to his marriage. If he has been open and honest with his W, then they may have decided together that NC was best.

 

Whatever it is, his previous behavior suggests he was conflicted over his affair with you and he feels NC now is best. That is tough for you right now, but ultimately it will work out the best for you because it leaves you free to meet someone who will share your life fully, be both a good friend and a romantic partner. From how attached you seem to be to xMM, I doubt you have been really open to meeting such a person. So allow yourself to grieve but also strive to move forward so that you can enjoy your life.

[Berkley]

OK...so...what's your next step, given your doubts?

 

 

I honestly have no idea.

I know he will contact me again, I don't know when, but he will.

Whether it is to try to be friends again, or to tell me he just can't do it and wants me out of his life forever.

 

 

I guess that's why I'm here...because I don't know how I will respond.

I don't want to lose him forever, I don't want to lose contact with he and his family forever....I want to know how he is, I want to be able to watch his kids grow up....I adore his family and miss them in my life,.

But I don't know if I can swallow my pride and forgive him for turning his back on me like this.

I just really don't know.

[woinlove]

I thought I was in your other thread when I posted above, which is why I focussed on your loss.

It's good you are thinking about what you want and how you would respond if he contacted you again. NC seems to be often broken, so it's best to be prepared.

[Berkley]

 

It sounds like xMM was torn between his feelings for you and his marriage and, for whatever reason, he has decided NC is the way to go. If he has not been open and honest with his W, then NC can help him restore whatever damage or weakness this has brought to his marriage. If he has been open and honest with his W, then they may have decided together that NC was best.

 

Whatever it is, his previous behavior suggests he was conflicted over his affair with you and he feels NC now is best. That is tough for you right now, but ultimately it will work out the best for you because it leaves you free to meet someone who will share your life fully, be both a good friend and a romantic partner. From how attached you seem to be to xMM, I doubt you have been really open to meeting such a person. So allow yourself to grieve but also strive to move forward so that you can enjoy your life.

 

 

There is absolutely no way he would ever tell his W.

I know he was very conflicted and I know this has all been very hard on him as well. He did not go NC out of spite....I know he truly feels that it was necessary for both of us to heal and sort things out.

I understand his reasoning....but that does not make the loss less painful.

He knows how much I care about he and his family, and he knows how incredibly painful it is for me not to have any idea how they are all doing. I asked for minimal, casual contact by text/email - for that reason...but he refused....thus why I feel like he completely dismissed and betrayed my wishes and feelings in this.

 

 

I truly have no desire for a serious, committed relationship...not before I met him, not now. I have been hurt too many times in my life to ever be able to truly trust another man again enough to be happy and content.

I am good with being single.

I don't believe one needs a partner to enjoy life and be happy.

[Berkley]

I thought I was in your other thread when I posted above, which is why I focussed on your loss.

It's good you are thinking about what you want and how you would respond if he contacted you again. NC seems to be often broken, so it's best to be prepared.

 

 

He never once indicated that NC was intended to be permanent....just that we needed time to heal.

So, him contacting me again in the future would not be breaking anything, as that was his intention all along.

[whichwayisup]

The 'affair' ended a long time ago.

It is the friendship that is important to me and that is all I am concerned about for the future.

Lovers come and go....and we were never even 'lovers'. Friendship, and that connection we had is much harder to find, and much harder to lose

 

The affair ended but you are very much romantically/intimately/emotionally attached to him. That is not a platonic friendship. That connection you feel for him is not platonic, it's because you are in love with him.

 

I hope you see this?

[carhill]

Translation: 'I love tugging at your heartstrings, am good at it and it works for me'

 

fMM here.

[whichwayisup]

 

What makes me doubt a future friendship is based on my ability to forgive the way he's handled it and treated me...his disregard for my wishes in this 'hiatus' of his.

 

He hurt you, made you mistrust him, treated you poorly, bailed out on you too.

 

Some friendships are better left behind.

 

Anyway it doesn't matter that you were friends first and grew closer, bottom line is, if he is in your life, he is a total distraction and your main focus, preventing you from ever opening your heart to someone else. the friendship is damaging on so many levels and also is a threat to his marriage.

[Owl]

I honestly have no idea.

I know he will contact me again, I don't know when, but he will.

Whether it is to try to be friends again, or to tell me he just can't do it and wants me out of his life forever.

 

 

I guess that's why I'm here...because I don't know how I will respond.

I don't want to lose him forever, I don't want to lose contact with he and his family forever....I want to know how he is, I want to be able to watch his kids grow up....I adore his family and miss them in my life,.

But I don't know if I can swallow my pride and forgive him for turning his back on me like this.

I just really don't know.

 

Here's what I don't think you get.

 

Because the two of you were in a romantic relationship...at the expense of his marriage...any further interaction between the two of you is at the further expense of his mariage, of his wife, of his family.

 

The risk that it could go back to being "more than friends" will mean that further interaction between the two of you poses a threat to that family that you miss so much.

 

If his wife knew the truth...would she welcome you back into her life? Is keeping that from her, and remaining friends with her...fair to her?

 

You want her back in your life...as long as she doesn't know what happened. You want him back in your life...as long as she doesn't know what happened.

 

Not a 'true' friendship there, IMHO.

 

It's probably a better thing for all of you that ended. That may be well WHY he's ended things...he likely came to this same realization on his own. OR, he may simply be afraid that his wife will find out, and he's cutting his losses proactively.

[woinlove]

I truly have no desire for a serious, committed relationship...not before I met him, not now. I have been hurt too many times in my life to ever be able to truly trust another man again enough to be happy and content.

I am good with being single.

I don't believe one needs a partner to enjoy life and be happy.

 

Relationships can take any form you wish if you find a partner who wants the same. Right now you very much want some of this relationship so it's not like you don't want someone close in your life. But you don't want the hot/cold and you don't want this NC. Freeing yourself from him will leave you open to find a friendship with someone who doesn't run hot/cold and doesn't simply cut you out of his life for large chunks of time.

 

He likely will contact you sometime, when the time is right for him. You've already put up with way too much in this lopsided affair with him disappearing for months at a time and running hot/cold. I think you deserve much better because everyone does. But I get the sense that even though you feel very hurt, you're still thinking that the good outweighs the bad if he would only agree to be in contact with you again.

 

To me, his NC seems like a gift to you and I hope you take it and really use the time to build a happy life without him. I'd recommend insisting on continuing NC if he tries to contact you because I think you are likely to experience more hot/cold and feeling abandoned by him if you don't.

[Berkley]

He hurt you, made you mistrust him, treated you poorly, bailed out on you too.

 

Some friendships are better left behind.

 

Anyway it doesn't matter that you were friends first and grew closer, bottom line is, if he is in your life, he is a total distraction and your main focus, preventing you from ever opening your heart to someone else. the friendship is damaging on so many levels and also is a threat to his marriage.

 

 

Yes he did...which is why I'm unsure of what my reaction will be when he contacts me again.

 

 

Why should my main focus be on opening my heart to someone else....or anyone for that matter ?

I truly don't understand the perception that one must be part of a couple to be happy and complete. I see it and hear it constantly from so many people...not in regards to my situation per say, but in general.

 

 

Again...I've been hurt too badly in past relationships to want anything to do with a serious committed relationship....I do not trust men and never will.

I would honestly rather be single.

[Quiet Storm]

I don't think you will be able to be close friends again, and he probably realizes this.

 

When it went physical, you became a threat to the marriage. Regardless of whether or not you wanted him to leave his marriage. You were still a threat to it.

 

I don't think being friends first matters. Many affairs start as friends or coworkers. You are placing value on the friendship, but it no longer exists. It has evolved and changed into something else now. It would benefit you to accept that. He doesn't value this friendship like you do.

 

In his mind, you may be too risky to be friends with now. You are viewing your friendship through your eyes, seeing it as this pure & genuine connection. That may have been true at one point, but it has been tainted now. He may no longer see it as pure & non threatening. It has been polluted. You want to clean it up again. He may just want to move on.

 

In his mind, you have changed from a benefit, to a liability. He is likely no longer associating you with all of the positive things that you describe. The closeness that was once a comfort to him, is now a threat. It was easy spending time together at work - you were both already there. Now it would be an inconvenience. You were once a safe outlet, now you are a threat to his marriage.

 

The foundation of your relationship is meaningless unless you both value it. Right now you see him as a positive force in your life. From your perspective, having him in your life is a benefit. The friendship is something to be treasured & cherished. None of that matters unless he views it the same way, and it doesn't sound like he does. His behavior and disregard for your feelings clearly show this. He did a cost-benefit analysis and determined your relationship is not worth the risk. Relationships, friendships need two people to work.

 

Over the years, I worked with many coworkers that I developed a friendship with. Sharing all aspects our lives, laughing, deep conversations, fun experiences, etc. And yet when they moved on, or when I moved on...the friendship changed. So even though I felt close & connected to them, a lot of it was simply because we were sharing space. Work friendships can be fleeting- the feelings of connection can really just be based on convenience, accessibility, shared experiences.

 

You shouldn't take this personally, though. Many people have abandonment issues and allow the rejections of others to impact their self worth. Allow yourself to grieve this loss, and move on. You became emotionally attached to him, so this loss will hurt. There is no way around it. You are trying to minimize that hurt by analyzing, rationalizing... he'll be back, our friendship was our foundation, our laughter & conversations meant something! If you accept & allow yourself to grieve the loss, your mind will slowly let the truths in. In increments that you can handle. Then you will see that he is not your true friend.

[proseandpassion]

OP, take some of this wistfulness, this nostalgia, this "what if?" and channel it into something creative and original, but don't think of it as anything more than one of life's many cul-de-sacs and avenues you glanced down, but didn't travel upon.

[woinlove]

Why should my main focus be on opening my heart to someone else....or anyone for that matter ?

I truly don't understand the perception that one must be part of a couple to be happy and complete. I see it and hear it constantly from so many people...not in regards to my situation per say, but in general.

 

 

Again...I've been hurt too badly in past relationships to want anything to do with a serious committed relationship....I do not trust men and never will.

I would honestly rather be single.

 

Because you say you want to keep this man in your life, which is keeping your heart open to him. Why do you want your heart open only to this man when there could be another person who would bring much more positive and much less negative into your life?

 

It doesn't have to be a traditional "couple". It can be the type of platonic friendship you say you want with this man minus the deception of his wife and all the disappearing/hot/cold stuff. Why wouldn't you want an R like you share with this man, but without a wife being deceived and without the parts that hurt so much?

 

As an aside, I do wonder about your insistence that the W doesn't know and yet you say you are close to their children and even fairly close to her. How would he explain you simply dropping out of his wife's and childrens' lives - no contact whatsoever? If you are close enough to want to stay in touch with their lives, don't they feel the same? If so, wouldn't his wife want to be in touch with you, want you not to simply disappear from their children's lives.

[Berkley]

 

As an aside, I do wonder about your insistence that the W doesn't know and yet you say you are close to their children and even fairly close to her. How would he explain you simply dropping out of his wife's and childrens' lives - no contact whatsoever? If you are close enough to want to stay in touch with their lives, don't they feel the same? If so, wouldn't his wife want to be in touch with you, want you not to simply disappear from their children's lives.

 

 

I will respond to some of the other posts later...have to go out this afternoon for a while - but this comment is one that I also posed to him....and didn't get much of an answer. He hasn't told her we are not in contact at all.

Due to the nature of our work, I do not see them during the off season much....I sent them all xmas gifts as I usually do...so right now she has no reason to think anything is out of the ordinary. I'm sure she has no idea that he never contacts me.

I became close to his family because I would see them and visit with them after work....so naturally, with us no longer working together, I won't be there every day to visit.

I'm sure that she will start to wonder soon - when I don't come over to give the kids b'day presents - when he refuses to invite me to their b'day dinners, etc...and I'm sure he will tell her that it is due to the work related problems...or that I'm just too busy with my new job.

I have no doubt he'll manage to weasel his way out of it and come out looking like the good guy....and she will probably be upset that I apparently no longer care about their kids

[woinlove]

It seems then that this man is quite good at deception. Given this and the other parts of his behavior that have been revealed, I think carhill nailed it above about the intent of the poem. I hope you don't get sucked in again.

[Berkley]

It seems then that this man is quite good at deception. Given this and the other parts of his behavior that have been revealed, I think carhill nailed it above about the intent of the poem. I hope you don't get sucked in again.

 

 

I'd say more...better at half truths. To say that we had a lot of fights this year over work related issues and decisions he made is not deceptive...indeed we did. But, I'm sure that instead of letting her know they were more explosive due to our close relationship and emotions....he embellished the work part, and probably put the blame on me - for being resentful, angry, demanding, unreasonable, dramatic, etc, etc.

 

 

He's got an arsenal of excuses he can choose to give her as to why I've vanished....all will make him look good, make me look like a biatch. Not saying he has or will...but if pressed on the matter, he's got it in him to throw me under the bus to save his arse.

He can play the religion card with her....they belong to what many would regard to be a somewhat cult-like church. She follows it..well, religiously...him, not so much, unless it suits him at the time. I'm a devout atheist...so he could easily twist that and translate it into him thinking it would be bad for the kids and against their teachings.

He could play the depression card...convincing her that I am too unstable to be around their kids.

 

 

I don't know which card he'll play if he's pressured to do so...but he's charming and likable and can be sweet as punch...and I have no doubt he'll come out of it smelling like a rose in her eyes.

[Berkley]

Thank you all for your insight....and in response to some of the comments-

 

 

Apparently we don't all view things like romance and love in the same light. We were never, at any point, romantically involved. Yes, there was emotional intimacy and vulnerability between us - that was the one thing we both very much appreciated, was the comfort of being able to open up and expose details of ourselves and our lives - our faults, demons, painful experiences, joys. We openly discussed his marriage - and no, he never held his W in a bad light. He felt comfortable enough to open up to me about his innermost feelings, fears, doubts, grief over the loss of their infant daughter ( they lost her 6 months before I met him ). I was able to trust him with my past mistakes, regrets, etc as well.

Yes, we did hold one another, hug, etc....and it all added up to intimacy.....but not in a romantic way.

There was nothing romantic about our relationship - no false hopes or dreams, no words of wishing we could be together, sharing a life, a future...there was no - you are my soul mate, my true love.

We had a close connection which we allowed to evolve into a physical connection as well. The desire was there, the attraction was strong - but we always respected the boundary we had set and never let it go too far.

 

 

I have struggled for two years about how I feel about him. We love one another, we have told each other we love each other....but it was never the kind of - I love you so much, I'm in love with you - kind of love.

I love him dearly, I really do...and I know he loves me as well. It took him three years to admit it, it is not something he says to anyone but his family. He is not in love with me , never was, never will be. He loves me because we care deeply for one another .

I admit that I have struggled with my love for him....trying to determine what that level of love is.

Am I in love with him ? I don't want him for myself. I don't want a committed relationship with him - honest to god, he would drive me crazy. I'm not jealous of his W, it doesn't bother me at all that they have a good relationship and healthy sex life...I'm happy that they have that with each other. Not typically what you feel when you're 'in love' with someone.

 

 

Did he see our relationship as a threat to his marriage ? Absolutely. The connection we developed scared him to death. He admittedly has little self control and could not trust himself around me. He loves his family more than life itself....losing them would kill him. His guilt was overwhelming him. I have been able to see that much more clearly in the past two months.

His greatest hope was that we would be able to eventually get to the point in our friendship where we can both be 100% transparent around his family, with nothing to hide. Whether that would ever be possible, for everything to fade to that point...that is what I'm not sure about...whether the emotional and physical connection would ever truly be gone.

 

 

As for my attachment to him preventing me from developing other friendships or relationships....that is absolutely not true. I don't know about some people, but most people I know, including myself - are more than capable of having room in their hearts for more than one close friend in their lives. I have a close friendship with an old friend - he was in fact my bf in grade twelve....my feelings for mm have no affect on that relationship. If I was ever to meet a man I was attracted to, mm would not factor in to that at all.

The fact is...I am not attracted to many men at all since my divorce. I am repulsed by the thought of most men actually. I worked with mm for four months before I even noticed that he was attractive. I have no interest in dating and had no interest before I met mm. He is not a factor in that equation. The bottom line is simple....I do not trust men enough to want to be in a romantic or committed relationship.

It is true that our work situation has prevented me from meeting a lot of other people, making new friends....because it was not a typical work environment - it was the two of us...no other employees to become friends with. It was never my friendship with mm that prevented anything.

That will change when I start my new job in the spring...it is the same field of work, but in a public setting where I will work with and meet a large number of people.

I never said I was not interested in a platonic friendship with other people like the one we shared....I said I did not want a committed , romantic relationship....and that has everything to do with my past, not with mm.

[whichwayisup]

He admittedly has little self control and could not trust himself around me. He loves his family more than life itself....losing them would kill him. His guilt was overwhelming him. I have been able to see that much more clearly in the past two months.

 

Then if you truly love him and care about his well being, let him go completely. No friendship, nothing.

 

This is his life and family at stake here and from what you've said above, that's a huge thing. A friendship like this does do damage and it's obvious as much as he may love you too, this can't go on.

 

You have no choice but to let go. Anything short of that, to try to hang onto him, is selfish. (sorry I don't mean that meanly.)

[Berkley]

Then if you truly love him and care about his well being, let him go completely. No friendship, nothing.

 

This is his life and family at stake here and from what you've said above, that's a huge thing. A friendship like this does do damage and it's obvious as much as he may love you too, this can't go on.

 

You have no choice but to let go. Anything short of that, to try to hang onto him, is selfish. (sorry I don't mean that meanly.)

 

 

Whether he feels he can handle and maintain a platonic, transparent friendship in the future is his choice to make.

 

 

Right now...no, that is not possible, for either of us.

 

Whether it will be possible for me in the future is not known ...I am honest in saying that I don't know if that will be enough for me, or if I will reach that sort of emotional neutrality.

 

 

Until that time...if it ever comes...I am not doing anything to try to contact him or get him to be a part of my life again.

I know I am still too emotionally attached at this point in time.

I am being anything but selfish in respecting his needs.

[georgia girl]

Berkeley,

 

I have a completely different take on the quote he wrote you, but maybe that's because I recall when Gilda Radner actually delivered that quote. (It was when her death was fairly imminent and it was her way of saying goodbye and letting the world know she had accepted this fate with dignity.)

 

So, in that vein, I think this is his permanent goodbye and I would treat it as such. You had taken a break before that time, the holidays were coming and as you say, he always felt quite guilty about what your relationship would be doing to his wife and family. In those circumstances, I think he wanted to have a permanent conclusion with you and in effect, fully recommit to his family. I genuinely believe this was his closure for both you and him.

 

I will give him credit - he at least said goodbye and also did it in a wistful way. (Although the quote did circulate quite a bit on Pinterest a few months ago, so I'm thinking that's where he picked it up. Either his wife or some other feminine influence in his life had probably shared it with him.) In that sense, I think you did mean a lot to him and he really took the time to say goodbye. As you note, he's a bit manipulative and can effectively use half-truths, so those folks also tend to be a bit ego-centric or self-centered. He may have evaluated what he had with you, compared it against what he felt he was gambling with his family and chose to pursue just the one path.

 

For you, I believe it is your time. Yes, you need to heal and mourn him. Then, you can get back out there and find your partner. When I was still single, I used to reflect on how my past relationship had taught me skills to be a better partner the next time and how the insight gained from my last selection would help me to choose a little better with the next partner.

 

And here's the deal: if you invest in getting over him, then you've lost nothing. If he does come back, you'll be in a stronger, more level-headed place to negotiate your "terms of endearment." If he doesn't, you will have not wasted time. Like some of the other posters, I do think you are a bit fixated on him. That's pretty natural at this point. But, I also think you're a bit uncomfortable with fixating on him. It gives you comfort to think about when you were together and what it will be like in the future, but it also aggravates that soft spot inside that's lonely and hurting without him. Eventually - and trust me on this - that soft, hurting spot becomes more of a need than the longing/wistfulness and you will change focus. But actively think about changing focus - it will assist you in making your recovery easier and the hurt last the shortest amount of time possible.

[Berkley]

Hi Georgia,

 

 

I appreciate your take on the quote and what it may have meant to him. The problem is, that after the fact he continued with the - just need time, we will always be dear friends, it is only goodbye for now.

 

 

He is manipulative and there is no doubt that he is also egotistical and self centered more than not...although once you peel back the layers, you realize that a lot of it is a façade to hide a lot of insecurities.

 

 

I am fixated on him, in that essentially, he - and his family - became my world for three years. My job, my comfort, my routine. I know that it all became too important to me than it should have been....mostly I think due to my depression/health issues...they became one of my few sources of companionship, joy, laughter.

I know that my dependence on him became a strain on him.

 

 

Of course I reflect on all of the good times, the laughter, the fun, the comfort - but I am also continually trying to address and heal from the other side of things - the resentment, the ignorant, mean things he said and did..both personally and at work this year.

It is not just the sudden NC, him walking out of my life that I am trying to heal from...but it's also trying to work through all of the betrayal and pain that he caused me before this. He caused a lot of damage to my self esteem and self worth at a time when I was already pretty low emotionally and physically.

 

 

I have no plans on trying to find a partner

[georgia girl]

Berkeley,

 

It sounds like you have a good, logical head on your shoulders. This is such a hard, lonely process. Getting over someone is literally the pits. I remember being at that point where you just decide never to risk your heart again. It's just not worth it. I used to say that I was too old and "just didn't bounce back like I used to," from a broken heart. So believe me, I understand where you are coming from.

 

You are learning to let go; I can see it. As you do, the hurt eventually fades. But the sad times are what they are. Healing stinks big rotten smelly eggs. Posting here is helpful - I used to post in the breaking up section - and doing little things for yourself also help.

 

If you don't mind me saying, I hope I see a post from you in a couple of months, not just advising another poster how they can heal but telling your own story of found new love. I know you're not looking right now, but maybe down the road...

[Berkley]

Berkeley,

 

It sounds like you have a good, logical head on your shoulders. This is such a hard, lonely process. Getting over someone is literally the pits. I remember being at that point where you just decide never to risk your heart again. It's just not worth it. I used to say that I was too old and "just didn't bounce back like I used to," from a broken heart. So believe me, I understand where you are coming from.

 

You are learning to let go; I can see it. As you do, the hurt eventually fades. But the sad times are what they are. Healing stinks big rotten smelly eggs. Posting here is helpful - I used to post in the breaking up section - and doing little things for yourself also help.

 

If you don't mind me saying, I hope I see a post from you in a couple of months, not just advising another poster how they can heal but telling your own story of found new love. I know you're not looking right now, but maybe down the road...

 

 

Don't hold your breath on that one.

MM is not and never was the reason I do not want a relationship. It's not a matter of not looking for it right now because of the pain and heartache....I haven't been looking for it for many years.

 

 

One would think you'd get better at healing...but you're right, it actually gets harder and harder each time. But it is not just the need to protect my heart - because obviously I still have the ability to open my heart up to others, as I did with MM. It goes much deeper than just a need to protect my heart.

I was first married at 19...and through two marriages, was somebody's wife for most of my life. I like being independent. I like having my own place. I like sleeping in my bed by myself. I like not having to pick up someone else's dirty socks and underwear. I like eating what I want, when I want. Doing what I want without checking to see what the other person wants to do.

I haven't had any desire to date anyone for years now.

I can't see that changing now just because I am no longer in contact with a friend.

[georgia girl]

Believe it or not, I get that, too. I didn't get married for the first time until my very late 30's, so I was pretty independent when I met then married my husband. I really enjoyed my "alone time" and so does he.

 

Before I got married, I used to tell people that I didn't really care if I ever got married and it was true. I had my own house, my own money and a great group of friends. I could scare up a date when I needed one and I genuinely LOVED answering to no one.

 

So, I get you, Berkeley, and I can respect that.

 

You will heal. We always do. Sometimes it takes longer and sometimes its almost against our wills. But we heal. You have started that journey. I can tell in your posts.