Interpretation

[Berkley]

I am better than I was a month ago, no doubt about that....but I've got a long way to go. As angry as I am, as much as I understand his reasons for NC, as much as he's hurt me - I'm no where near where I need to get- because there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever , that f he was to show up at my door tomorrow and wanted to resume an emotional/physical connection....I'm not healed enough not to jump at the chance.

 

 

That's why I panic every time I get a text...because I know I'm not over him enough to be friends right now and any contact at this point is only going to open all the wounds back up. I'm still invested too much...so a casual - how's it going - would just leave me hoping for more.

There is no chance ever of any kind of friendship until that is enough for me and I don't long for more. I don't mean more emotionally or physically....just more time with him again - hoping that he will want to go for lunch, go to a hockey game, invite me over, etc. Until I don't care....I'm not ready.

 

 

Part of my healing process that I'm stuck at is trying to get over the work related things that happened this year...all the fights we had and the reasons for them. I need to work those things out so that I can see more clearly how much my view on things, how much my reaction was justified in accordance to those events, if I overreacted because of emotions...or if I just took everything way to personally...or if he truly was being a complete ********* to me.

I need to work those things out for me to heal...and to fix whatever it is in me that made the events all so painful.

I will start another thread about that tonight...as it is a separate topic all together.

[sunburned]

I am better than I was a month ago, no doubt about that....but I've got a long way to go. As angry as I am, as much as I understand his reasons for NC, as much as he's hurt me - I'm no where near where I need to get- because there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever , that f he was to show up at my door tomorrow and wanted to resume an emotional/physical connection....I'm not healed enough not to jump at the chance.

 

 

That's why I panic every time I get a text...because I know I'm not over him enough to be friends right now and any contact at this point is only going to open all the wounds back up. I'm still invested too much...so a casual - how's it going - would just leave me hoping for more.

There is no chance ever of any kind of friendship until that is enough for me and I don't long for more. I don't mean more emotionally or physically....just more time with him again - hoping that he will want to go for lunch, go to a hockey game, invite me over, etc. Until I don't care....I'm not ready.

 

 

Part of my healing process that I'm stuck at is trying to get over the work related things that happened this year...all the fights we had and the reasons for them. I need to work those things out so that I can see more clearly how much my view on things, how much my reaction was justified in accordance to those events, if I overreacted because of emotions...or if I just took everything way to personally...or if he truly was being a complete ********* to me.

I need to work those things out for me to heal...and to fix whatever it is in me that made the events all so painful.

I will start another thread about that tonight...as it is a separate topic all together.

You are very smart to recognize that (boldface). Let your (justified) anger over your work situation continue to help you maintain NC. He sounds a little unstable. Granted, your not so platonic friendship and job stress may have exacerbated it but he definitely sounds insecure and unstable at his core. I'm not clear, do you have a different job now? Where do horticulturists go in the dead of winter or are you in a warm climate year round? As you have already sorted out, contact and communication just fan the flames. The toughest thing about NC is accepting it is for life. I've had five months of NC and still haven't fully accepted I'll never speak to him again. There's a niggling, irritating small part of my psyche that still wants to be friends. But I just keep choosing no contact daily and I know it will ultimately turn into a lifelong "practice."

[Berkley]

You are very smart to recognize that (boldface). Let your (justified) anger over your work situation continue to help you maintain NC. He sounds a little unstable. Granted, your not so platonic friendship and job stress may have exacerbated it but he definitely sounds insecure and unstable at his core. I'm not clear, do you have a different job now? Where do horticulturists go in the dead of winter or are you in a warm climate year round? As you have already sorted out, contact and communication just fan the flames. The toughest thing about NC is accepting it is for life. I've had five months of NC and still haven't fully accepted I'll never speak to him again. There's a niggling, irritating small part of my psyche that still wants to be friends. But I just keep choosing no contact daily and I know it will ultimately turn into a lifelong "practice."

 

 

We are down for the winter months...usually early Dec until March.

I have another job lined up for the spring at a garden centre/nursery close by.

Only problem being - xmm does a lot of his buying there, so I will have to be prepared to run into him.