My unrequited love story :/

[ludicrousdream]

Hi. ^^ So I just felt like telling someone this story... I'm pretty sure I've never actually FULLY told anyone... and also I'm just curious as to others' opinions on it...

I hope someone will read everything and reply. x)

 

P.S. Any dialogue was translated from French because I live in Switzerland and they speak French here... And before anyone asks, I speak French fluently so no, there were no misunderstandings caused by a language barrier or anything... Sooo also, there may be things I'll have trouble translating properly since some words don't exist in English...

 

P.P.S. Yes I am calling everyone by who they were cosplayed as because I'm definitely not using their real names and just think it's easier.

 

 

So it all started in April of 2012. At that time I was 15 years old and still a virgin with no experience (except some kissing) but I was looking for a guy to have fun with, y'know... pretty much just to have sex with (which I know some people will disapprove of ^^; ). I just didn't want a relationship or to fall in love, just have funnnn.

 

So I love manga and Japanese culture and that year I decided that I would go, cosplayed, to a convention with two of my friends for a day.

We went, it was great. I met multiple nice people there, one in particular that really caught my eye, a tall guy who was cosplayed... So cute, I wanted to take him to the bathroom and...you know, haha. In other words, I was instantly attracted to him...

Whatever so when I'm at conventions, I hug everyone, especially if they're cosplayed as a character I like. x) So I went and asked him for a hug; I was so nervous... >< So I hugged him and then I ran off. xD Then of course I saw him multiple times and so every time I would go and hug him, haha. Once, he was in front of some escalators and I went to hug him and he was like "hold on..." and nudged us onto the escalator and was like "I'm kidnapping you ^^" and left everyone else at the bottom of the escalator... It was cute. ^_^

So finally by the end of the day I built up my courage and asked for his facebook (wooow I know such a difficult thing to do)...and he gave it to me.

The day after, or a few days later I can't remember, I decided I was going to talk to him... I was so nervous, he was so intimidating to me, I don't know why... x_x So we started talking and it was great, just perfect, I was so happy. Like we really got along so well!

After a few days of talking we really wanted to see each other in RL. ^^ So we decided we would go somewhere together... Of course when I asked my mom she said no because she didn't want me to go anywhere alone with a 20 year old -_- (he was 19 at the time) so my best friend decided to come along so I could see him... hihi

With my luck, we ended up not seeing each other cause he wasn't feeling good...

As a side note, I really must tell you a few more details. When we were talking those first few days, he was real sweet, he would really talk to me about himself quite a bit and he would say things like "I know this is dumb but I really can't wait to see you" and "I know we just met but I feel like we've known each other for years"... ;_;

Also something else that's important to the story, I met another guy who was also cosplayed at the con and while browsing photos found a picture of him and commented on it something like "Sasuke! :D" I dunno and then he added me on facebook and pretty much soon there was this whole group of people (including the guy I really liked) and we would talk on Skype like every night and have a lot of fun... So my relationship with this "Sasuke" (lol) advanced and we spent multiple nights just talking to each other on Skype, and I mean ALL night, even though he had to go to work the next day... So we became good friends and I talked to him about the guy I liked... Let's just call him "Pein" since he was cosplayed as him.

 

Okay getting back to the story now.

In the end, a few days later, this whole group decided to come to my house to meet up and then go out somewhere together. They came and I hugged everyone, leaving Pein last and then hugging him for a long time... x) I thought he looked so handsome. >w< They were all nice, I thought Sasuke was cool too... I mostly talked and spent my time that day with those two people...

Okay now more details about the day. x)

We went to a park and I was hugging Pein and told him his heart was beating really fast...and he told me that his heart would always beat as if he were running but thinking about it now, was that just a cover up? Or do people's hearts actually do that? That seems weird to me if your heart is constantly like that, I hope he got it checked by a doctor if it was for real. x)

Otherwise we also went to a bowling alley that day and neither Pein nor I wanted to play so we sat together in the back... At one point I stuck my tongue out at him and he said I had a nice tongue haha now that I think about it I kind of think it's ridiculous and it embarrasses me a little and makes me laugh...

But yeah I can't remember all the details but it was a great day, I was really happy...

Later Sasuke asked me "soooo? what did you think?" He was obviously talking about Pein so I told him

 

I thought he was really cute... and I wanted to do naughty things to him ahaha

So pretty much he was really supportive and he just told me I should tell him... So once Sasuke and I were on Skype together and he was just trying to convince me and push me to tell Pein, so he practically forced me to! He invited him to the call and told him I needed to tell him something and hung up, leaving the two of us alone... XD wow

So I just told myself f*ck it and asked him if he wanted to have sex.

He said yes.

Hallelujah praise the Lord haha xD I was ecsatic.

 

So pretty much time went on like this:

Every Sunday, even Saturdays too sometimes, we would all go to the bowling alley together, I would never play though cause it's no fun to me and I didn't feel like spending money on something I didn't want and didn't have to do... Whatevs so since we were a large group of people, there weren't enough seats for everyone, leaving me out...so I would sit on Pein's lap hihi. ^^ But I would behave well, even if it was difficult. x) I would just put an arm around his shoulder and maybe just caress his arm or neck or hair... It was nice. And I mean of course we would talk a lot...

Also once, I took my best friend with me and there was a song that was really banging so we decided we would just dance a little for fun. So Pein, Sasuke and one of the other guys were like staring at us and drooling pretty much I thought it was really funny. And then Pein told me I looked hot when I danced... hihi

So one day we were all leaving and we dropped him off at his apartment on the top floor which had an elevator... So everyone was getting into the elevator and he was waiting for everyone to leave on his doorstep...and we were staring at each other... So I went and kissed him on the cheek. I wish I could have taken a picture of him, the look on his face was priceless, just this huge grin aaah when I think about it, he was so cute, he looked so happy... It makes me want to cry thinking about it now.

 

Moving on to another event. x)

Pein's best friend (Itachi ) decided to have a casual party at his house with the whole gang, though not everyone was able to make it... I went and brought along my best friend but she couldn't stay over so later Sasuke was gonna drop her off at her house. I went with them and decided to bring Pein with us...in the backseat. xD So I held off my urges till we brought my bf back but then I couldn't take it anymore and jumped on him. So I was in his lap and we were just sexing it up and stuff, kissing, touching whatever. x) It was so good, holy crap... But the ride was so short (excuse the pun mwahaha) and we weren't getting out of the car so Sasuke opened the door and was like "come on you stupid kids stop having sex in my car and get out" haha. Also just need to say before I continue...first time french kissing him ooooohmygawd. I was about ready to explode. Sooo, we reluctantly stopped and went back the party. It made me laugh when we got back he immediately sat on the couch and put a pillow on his lap... XD

So okay it was great I had fun but then they started playing cards and I got bored and suddenly felt exhausted. >< So I said sorry and went to one of the beds to sleep... When I woke up in the morning Pein was in the same bed as me. ^_^ Awww I felt happy, I really did... So blah party was over everyone went home...

More side notes. x)

After that Pein told me that if we could have had one of the rooms to ourselves we could have done it. xD I was so sad lol

We would talk a lot of course and we were very comfortable with each other, we would talk about things we wanted to do and how we wanted to do them...and in case you're not understanding the context, I'm talking about sex. Unfortunately we just never had the opportunity to do it. Every time we saw each other we were never alone and usually in public...

Also, I could tell Sasuke was jealous, sadly...

I was also able to get to know Pein more. I learned he was distrustful and really suspicious of everyone, and albeit laughing and joking around a lot, he was a very serious and secretive person, though also very honest and straightforward.

 

Another incident. ^^

We all went to a basketball court next to school once and, again, neither of us wanted to play so we sat on the sidewalk next to the court... I couldn't keep myself from touching him. x) So I was discreetly touching him, um...between his legs haha. I really wonder if anyone saw cause we weren't being that discreet, if anyone payed attention to us even just for a few seconds they would have noticed probably. But fortunately for us they were all too busy playing b ball... He told me it was incredible how easily I turned him on... yeesh that made me wanna let loose so bad but we couldn't dammit it was a real challenge for me to stay calm around him, even now I can't take it just writing this makes me want him so much... (( Whatever so of course we weren't able to continue...

Side note

By then when we would all say bye I would wait for everyone to get into the cars and then we would just briefly kiss goodbye... *sighs dreamily*

End side note

 

One day we all went to the public pool and everyone wanted to play volleyball... Who can guess the next part? xD Everyone? Okay... lol

So yes of frickin course we both didn't want to play (I actually just don't like sports, that's why I never join in, I don't know what his excuse was though xD) so we stayed back at the towels and we were just laying together...and me being horrible as I am with holding back x) I started touching his chest...then his neck...then licking it...and biting it. haha ^^; Then I noticed one of his legs was bent at the knee instead of being straight on the floor with his other leg...and then I saw a little wet spot on his crotch and was like oooooh and laughed. x)

 

Well that's about it, for those kinds of events I mean... Here comes the drama portion of the story. :/

So in this group of friends there was already some drama. Two of the boys liked the same girl, so just that caused a lot of problems. Then the fact that not everyone actually liked each other made it difficult. And then also I was all over Pein so everyone picked up on that... And as I noted earlier, the jealous Sasuke...

So this girl that those two boys liked, she was my friend and I knew she was a childhood friend of Pein's but also his best friend. (not the same person as Itachi) Consequently, when I talked to her once, I mentioned the incident at the b ball court, thinking "well she's his best friend, he must trust her, that means I can trust her...and why could he possibly mind if I tell her?" Please someone tell me, was I wrong thinking this? Were my thought uncalled for? Moving on. So damn sure a few days later he confronted me about that and got mad at me, saying things like "if you do that again it's over" or "I don't give people a lot of chances" and things like that... So I felt really bad and said sorry a million times without really understanding completely why what I did was so horrible. I mean he said what happens between us, stays between us... So yeah whatever I get that. I probably lost some of his trust when that happened unfortunately...

 

Otherwise, when it comes to certain things, I can be pretty impatient, and when I don't get what I want, I find another way to obtain it. Maybe you already guessed what I'm about to explain.

All that time I was still friends with Sasuke and there were no problems between us. I thought he was funny and charismatic, he was a good friend I thought... So one day he came to my house along with my best friend and sooner or later my best friend had to go home, leaving the two of us alone. Beforehand, I gave my best friend a massage cause she's annoying and always wants them. x) So when she left I asked him if he wanted one too and well he accepted... So I did and then he offered me one...so I thought why not, I never get massages. x) Knowing how annoying bras are when giving massages, I took mine off (not in front of him!) and got on the bed... So he gave me the massage and then he laid next to me and we talked for a while. We had a friendship where we would openly talk about sex and things of the sort so that's what we did. And thinking about it, I really didn't see why we couldn't at least do SOME things... So I said I would be up for it. And so was he, unsurprisingly... So stuff happened and I decided, f*ck it, I wanna have sex, Pein is making me wait way too long I'm sick of it... So we had sex and decided not to tell anyone. And we continued to do it when it was convenient I guess...

Then one day I was talking to Pein and...I honestly can't remember how in the hell it happened cause I am fricking good at keeping secrets! Maybe it's his overwhelming charm xD Nah but sadly he asked me if I sucked Sasuke off and...I said yes. >< So then he went and talked to Sasuke behind my back (all this happening on the interwebs, not in RL) and got back to me and was like "you guys had sex?!" Ughhh...Sasuke told him... @#$%!!! Bad call on his part... So he got really mad at me, saying for example "you told me you wanted me to be first!" which I did say that, I really really did want him to be my first because it would have been amazing... But I tried to explain that I just wanted to do it and I was sad it hadn't been with him but that he made me wait so long that I was getting impatient and had the opportunity and just seized it... It's not like Pein and I were together or anything, we were in no way a couple, I had no feelings for him and he never told me about feelings on his part... We both could have had sex with whoever we wanted... So I didn't see the problem...

So things just started going downhill from there. The group was starting to separate, there never was everyone at our meetups because some "couldn't" come (very probably didn't want to) and we would see each other less and less often... When I would ask Pein if we could see each other alone, he would always be busy, he always had other things to do, I really wondered if he just didn't want to see me...

 

One day some of them (Pein and Sasuke included) went to this amusement park in Germany together and while they were in the bus coming back to Switzerland I got a message from Pein telling me he thought I was playing with him, Samuel and another boy in the group and that the two other boys agreed with him... I felt like **** first off but I was also dumbfounded. The other guy was really barely even a friend! Then Sasuke was a good friend of mine but I made myself clear to him that it was just casual sex that's it, no feelings or whatever, if one of us wanted to stop that would be fine. And Pein...I never ever would play with him. He is just so important to me, I in no way want to hurt him, even a little... I just really wanted to have sex with him but if he can't find half a frickin hour for me than f*ck it I went and found someone else... So that was horrible. And also when I confronted Sasuke about it he said he never agreed to that... -_-'

 

Then one day I was talking with Sasuke and said "I'm so sure he isn't going to want to have sex with me anymore". Of course I wan't sure, it wasn't a statement, a fact; it was a fear of mine that I was afraid would materialize...

A few days later I talked with Pein and asked him if he still wanted to do it and he told me that with each thing that happened he saw me more and more as a friend... So no. No. He didn't want me anymore. He didn't want me... I cried. A lot. I couldn't stop. I even had to go over my best friend's house to get comforted, I just couldn't hold up, what he told me hurt me so much for some reason. He didn't want me. It hit me like a bolt of lightning.

I slowly got over it, never fully though (even to this day)...

My best friend was the only person I told about this.

Another few days later, he talked to me again and got mad at me for telling Sasuke, which I never did! Pein told me that Itachi let him know that Sasuke knew... He even told me "don't even go and talk to Sasuke about this" and I still don't get that? Like why? Either way I didn't have anything to say to Sasuke, he screwed me over and ruined my trust in him, what made him think he could tell Itachi what I said? Itachi is Pein's best friend, of course he would go and tell Pein! I was very disappointed in him because first of all now I know he isn't able to keep my secrets and that made me wonder what else he let loose from his big mouth...and second of all he isn't even capable of retelling it right, thus creating rumors. Rumors! fffffff- unbelievable!

So I tried to explain that it was a misunderstanding and mostly Sasuke's fault for being a - pardon the language - AS*HOLE. But partly my fault for trusting him... Unfortunately, that didn't resolve anything.

Side note: all this in the span of a few months...

 

Come July 31st, the day before Switzerland's national holiday, I decide to go out with Pein's "other best friend" (which honestly I don't think he ever sincerely considered her a best friend) and some of her friends. Before then, Pein and I hadn't been talking much at all. Being concerned about him and our friendship, I talked to her about it and she just confirmed my deepest fears (then again nobody except Pein actually knows if it was true). He didn't care about me at all. He was just playing with me, is what she said. As if he was so busy he couldn't sacrifice a few hours to be with me, even just to talk to me dammit. After talking with her for a while I decided. It was over. I sent him a message and told him I didn't want to see him or hear from him ever again and pretty much venting every little problem out. So that was it. No more Pein in my life (lol the pun was not intended).

 

Before all of that, Sasuke one morning said to me "I think I love you" and since kept on telling me things like "I miss you" and "I want to be in your arms" or "I want to feel you next to me"... I was mad at him at first since I warned him not to fricking fall for me but then I got over it and really thought he was little pathetic... One night I took him out for dinner as a thank you, cause he was a really generous person, he'd been doing a lot of nice things for me...then I realized it looked so much like a date and suddenly let my guard down. Then I thought, I think I might just feel something for him and, knowing that's what he truly wanted, asked him to be my boyfriend. Just now realizing that was only three days after I surgically removed Pein from my heart. lol

So we were a couple. Sasuke and I. It lasted almost nine months. It was great at first but it soon went downhill. At first I would still talk about Pein from time to time, and every time I did Sasuke would get so aggressive, it was incredible how jealous of him he still was... And we would fight (not because of

Pein) sometimes but it never decreased, it escalated even. And a lot of things were bad, a lot of things I never should have tolerated, I was too nice. Way too many problems and in the end I was sick of him and we broke up... In those nine months I very rarely thought of Pein, I was able to clear him from my thoughts completely. After I became single though I starting dreaming... Guess about who. My dreams went like this: 1. Suddenly seeing him out of nowhere and talking casually with him. 2. Being friends with him. 3. Friendship turning into more than friendship, if you know what I mean... I cursed my subconscious, I wanted it to stop but it never did! It forced me to think about him, I couldn't help

myself. At first I just wanted to talk to him... Then I felt like crap because I was the one who told him to stop talking to me so I felt like I couldn't try to talk to him again. I just missed seeing him, talking to him, just being his friend...

 

One day I went over to Itachi's house, we'd stayed in contact even after the group disjointed. I couldn't concentrate on anything anymore. My head was overflowing with thoughts of Pein, I couldn't keep him out anymore. So I decided I would talk to Itachi about it. We talked about him and he told me that Pein really liked me though even he didn't know if it was romantic feelings or not. He also told me that Pein was afraid because of my age, because I was young... And that when I went with Sasuke, pretty much he thought I was a slut... That really made me think later on.

He told me I should just try to talk to him, explain things, and be straight with him, that he was an understanding guy. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Either I would get rejected or he would agree with me. So I took his advice and wrote him a long facebook message. And turned out he was okay with us talking again. I was so fricking happy...So we started talking again, or more exactly, I did. Since then I tried to talk to him about every week or a little more than that, even though I wanted to talk to him all the time and see him and hug him... Of course I knew it wouldn't be the same as before but damn, he would never ever talk to me, to this day I've always been the one to instigate a conversation... But I blew it off, I was way too happy to just be talking to him to give it any importance.

A few weeks later we met up with two other friends at the bowling alley and they played pool... It was great, we talked so easily like we always had. I felt really happy... We had fun the four of us.

I was getting sick of him never talking to me, so I decided I was going to confront him about it. I asked him if he just wanted to stay like this, to me we were like acquaintances to be honest, not even friends, or if we could be more like friends. Because he also declined my propositions to see each other twice in not even a month... I also said that I honestly wanted us to get to know each other again and better this time, but that it seemed like he didn't want to, like he didn't want our relationship to advance (not talking about anything romantic). So he said that he understood and that he also wanted us to get know each other but that we couldn't be any more than friends...which I responded with "I never said anything about being more than friends :P". We continued talking for a while til he just stopped responding late in the afternoon... The next day I waited til two and lost my patience. I told him "see? This is also what I'm talking about. You take so much time to respond sometimes that I feel like I'm annoying you". So that made him mad. Just to try to cut down the length, it went like this: (P is Pein M is me) P: there you go again with your "I feel like I'm annoying you" (not in dialogue: because yes it would happen that I would tell him that before we stopped talking...cause I honestly felt like that) I'm not always around my phone and sometimes I'm busy. M: I get it but understand that if you don't put effort in this won't work, I hate running after people. So don't wait till I talk or else you'll see I'll start talking to you less and less and one day no more. But y'know whatever, I give up, if you want to talk to me just do it. P: No sh*t if there isn't equal effort on both parts it won't work but if you stop putting in effort on your part I'm not gonna run after you either you destroyed our friendship with your bullsh*t and I'm supposed to put in more effort than you? Then you wonder why some people hate you? Yeah I criticized you but at least I'm not afraid to admit it and I guarantee you that lmost everyone did and that's why I don't go out with you guys anymore because you all insult each other behind your backs and when you're together it makes it a reunion of hypocrites. Now the past is the past but don't tell me I don't put effort in cause after what you did I put enough in by talking to you and being honest. Now we're not going to get to know each other through a computer (and I don't even write very often to people I really care about so people who aren't even my best friends even less) When we see each other again with our friends we can talk like we did at the bowling alley the other day, that was nice wasn't it? You're young but grow up a little the world won't bow down to every one of your caprices, you're not everyone's only friend, nobody's gonna immediately reply to your messages, I have other friends and I rarely go on facebook that's also a reason I don't answer quickly. And you shouldn't take what I said badly it's just reality I'm not being aggressive but it also must not be a veryeasy thing to hear but would you rather I be honest and you face reality and put some effort in or I lie to you like so many people and insult you behind your back? M: I'm not taking it badly but just understand that I feel like you're playing with me you don't reply for hours and it's been like this since the beginning and I understand that you're busy but sometimes your words don't match your actions and I'm trying to understand but I'm unable to. And to me there's no effort on your part and I'm just trying to not insist, if you want to talk to me then do it, if not, don't, but that's why I'm saying all this because til now you haven't done anything to prove you want us to talk and be friends, not like how it is now... Now I can't understand you could possibly say I'm the one who destroyed our friendship. I'd like an explanation. I know I made bad choices and I regret them but I'm not completely at fault. I can't believe you said that. And again I have no idea what you're talking about when you say people who hate me. I guess I have haters I don't know about. Again with your "what you did"... Tell me what I did that was so horrible? Sh*t you didn't always do the right things. And yeah it was nice talking to you in RL but what can I do if you never have time for me? Nothing. Again I'm not insisting in any way, you're free to do what you want, if you wanna see me, if you wanna talk to me, come tell me. It's useless for me to run after you. Now how do you want me to know you don't go on fb much? I can understand that but talking about growing up and caprices? No, stop treating me like a child, you don't know me or at least not enough to say that. But no I'm not taking this badly I wanted honesty and that's what I got but I feel like people hide a lot of things from me, sometimes you say things and I'm lost, I have no idea what you're talking about. P: Because since the beginning I have a life instead of being on fb all day you're not my only friend. And tell me just what I did that wasn't right. You don't have toknow someone you just have to look at their reactions. Let's just forget our conversation from today, if you want to talk to me, then talk, if I want to, I will too. I'm not going to trust you in two weeks (not in dialogue: for the record we started talking again a month before this, not two weeks, big difference -_-) If we see each other with our friends, that's great.

Okay just gonna try to sum the rest up. He says he doesn't have a lot of money and no car so it's hard to come see me and that I don't have a job so no money to go anywhere and asked if I still had the same number to talk on a smartphone app he's on more often than facebook. I told him that I had a life too, what did he think that I just stayed on facebook all day? Is that how he saw me? And that I knew he had other friends but that he wouldn't answer my question: what the hell did I do to "destroy" our friendship? Who's "everyone" that criticized me? I don't want to create drama but it would be nice if someone told me about these things. And no you're wrong I just hate being ignored and yeah I admit I get angry easily but that's no reason to treat me like a child. I confront someone if I think they're f*cking with me. I know I have issues I'm sorry but you know that... And don't talk about trusting me again cause you never did, I'm not an idiot, I never thought it would be like before and you would trust me instantly or that everything would be perfect, of course there are gonna be problems. And I get the financial side of it but we can work around it... But even a year ago every time I asked if we could see each other you would say you were too busy so I can't do anything about that, you have to tell me when you're available, I'm not going to suggest things just to get shot down all the time...get me?

Then he just said that he understood and to just forget about this conversation and to just talk to him when I wanted to and if he wants to he'll do the same and that he's never been a talkative person...

But then I just said so you're never gonna tell me what I did...or talk to me about the people who were criticizing me... Whatever. And I don't know if you remember but in the beginning you were talkative... I'm sad it's changed so much. His response: I told you forget about it but if you really want to know nothing oh wait yeah except the fact that you lied to me and when I confided in you you would tell everyone everything I told you and at that time I did trust you but you immediately lost it when I knew you couldn't keep your mouth shut so don't tell me I never trusted you, you had my trust and right away you trampled it. Me: You never confided in me... I remember the thing I told your best friend that you didn't want her to know but apart from that, I don't know. And I still don't understand why you reacted so badly that time... Him: I did confide multiple things to you that you didn't keep to yourself but you're not the only one who wasn't fricking able to keep their mouth shut. I didn't react badly, if I tell you something I'm telling YOU, it's not for someone else to know and if I want my best friend to know something I'll tell her not you, that's it there's no discussing it now leave it alone cause yeah now it's really starting to annoy me I don't want to spend my time talking about the past that's not how we're gonna move forward. Then I said: I'm sorry but to me it's unresolved problems and I don't want to just forget about it and pretend nothing happened... Sorry but one day we have to talk about it whether you like it or not. Okay? And finally, him: I won't forget and I won't pretend nothing happened and yeah we'll talk about it.

Then we said good night. PHEW. That was long. It was hard to sum it up, it all seemed so important. ><

 

Whatevs so next time saw each other it was with a few other friends and it was nice, he was pleasant. And when we were saying bye I wanted to hug him so bad so I did and he hugged me back and picked me up also aaaah! >< aha...

 

Then we saw each other alone, I repeat, ALONE, for the first time ever. It was great. :') Not for long though, just for our lunch break for like an hour and a half... And in Switzerland and a lot of other european countries we kiss each other on the cheek as a greeting which is a lot more familiar than a handshake but in no way as familiar as a hug (just a note for you to understand better) so when I went to kiss him on the cheek to say bye (though A LOT of people don't actually touch their lips to people's cheeks when greeting this way, it's more of a cheek to cheek touch...) he hugged me instead... That made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside... ;_;

 

So... I have to say... I'm not sure when exactly, it's really confusing to me...but I realized at one point that I had feelings for him... When they developed, I have no idea. I spent so long just in ignorance and denial, I just don't know. Around the time I met Pein, I would completely disregard ANY feelings I had for anyone. So it's possible that I've had feelings for him since I met him even.

But so the more I thought about it, the more I acknowledged it, the worse it got. More dreams than ever, every single fricking day GOD HELP ME I was hysterical, frantic, uncontrollable, whatever you wanna call it, I was in love dear God no. I was in love. I AM in love. F*ck. I couldn't take it anymore, I had to do something, and quickly. I couldn't for the life of me concentrate on the smallest of things! I was done for! I fell into an endless pit of vehement emotional highs and lows. I fell in love, dammit. That was it. I decided to tell him. I wanted to see him and tell him in real life but, just guess. Make me laugh. Yes of course he didn't have time, not until February. So I said f*ck it I'm telling him right now. So on January 12th, not even two weeks ago, I told him. I wanted to tell you in RL but whatever. I'm not asking you for anything, it's just for your info and to help me feel better because it's really weighing down on me and if I'm telling you this it's really just so I can try to feel better... And also just so you know the fact that you know won't change anything for me, I'll still be the same I've always been after this... So uh, what I wanted to say is that I have feelings for you. There.

His reply: No it won't change anything for me and this might sound pretentious and I don't really want to say this but I don't think this is anything new and you've had feelings for me since before or after you went out with Sasuke right? This might not be easy to hear but personally I don't have a type but I don't know how to say this you don't coincide with the way I think or how I am, how I work... And to me you can't change someone to be who you want them to be you take them just the way they are. You're nice but I don't have feelings for you I'm sorry :/...

There. I don't know. I just replied that I didn't know since when and that when we met I just wanted to have fun...and that he didn't have to say sorry.

And he just said yes young lady.

And that's it.

I guess I'm gonna say hi in February, we'll see, maybe later...

I don't know. I want to hope he's a f*cking liar and just afraid and a coward and that one day we'll look at each other and realize we were meant to be LOOOL but no that's called a fairy tale children! Life is not a fairy tale!

So yeah. I didn't even cry after. Though a few days ago I talked to a friend about it and I balled like a baby. :I

Now I just met this guy I'm gonna have casual sex with so I hope that'll take my mind off things a little.

 

I thought maybe writing this and posting it on the internet and having people comment on it would be a good idea I don't know why though! But I must say after that conversation I seriously deflated. Like I mean of course most my thoughts are about him still but I don't know, I just really calmed the hell down after that. Though I honestly don't know if that's just because I'm so used to controlling my emotions (and I don't live alone so I can't look depressed) that I automatically smothered everything and anything I felt after that and my mind just goes ABORT ABORT ABORT every time I get sad when I think about him. I just miss him so much now it's incredible I just want to hold him for five minutes... more actually, much much more. x) I'm practically sure I'm gonna at least see him in mid April because that's when the convention is, where we met... ;_; blah whatever >< but he usually goes every year, he should be going this year too...I hope so. Otherwise I don't think I'm going to ask him if we can see each other. Though if he does, which I really doubt, I won't decline that's for sure.

And just another thing I'd like to add, I am a very trustworthy person. I...I really have no idea what he's talking about when he says I ruined our friendship and pretty much f*cked him over... It hurts me...a lot. But for real did I bump my head or something? I know my memory is horrible but I think I would remember that kind of thing...

Looking back I very probably did have feelings for him, don't you think?

I just wonder like, if he felt like I did every time we kissed or touched or looked at each other...he had to have had feelings for me! It was so passionate I can't even take it when I think back on it, I wish I could feel it one more time, just once... But really, having sex with him would have been just...heavenly. I know it's useless to regret things you can't change but damn if I could change it...wouldn't that be just perfect. If I hadn't denied my feelings in the first place, thought maybe love wasn't such a bad thing... *sigh*

 

Also I've been censoring just because I have no idea if I'll get banned or something for it. x)

 

If you actually read all the way, thank you so much, please please I am begging you tell me your opinion! Pleeaaase!

 

Thank you for letting me vent lol

[cap er nick]

Okay it was clear that he USED to have feelings for you and when you had sex with sasuke it was a betrayal to him even though you guys weren't together. He no longer feels like he can trust you so don't expect to ever have anything more than friends happen with him. It appears to me while he wants to be your friend he doesn't want to be exceptionally good friends. As for what he says you were telling everyone things that he trusted you not to, I believe it was as simple as you talking to mutual friends about him and how you felt. It seems like the type of guy that wants everything he says to kept between the two of you, he doesn't even want his named mentioned. When you told his bf about the wet spot on his pants while everyone else was playing basketball you embarrassed him. If I were you I wouldn't even send him texts or messages, just have fun with your new sex buddy, if pein wants to talk to you he will if he doesn't don't worry about it. Does that answer your questions? I read the whole post but I couldn't really remember what you wanted answered by the time I finished lol it seemed more like you said you just really wanted to vent and get it off your chest.

 

I would just like to ask, are you originally from Switzerland? You speak incredibly good English.

[Mystique01]

Wow....I'm sorry, but is there a cliff-notes version of this story???

[ludicrousdream]

I just realized I wrote Sasuke's real name in the text! >< Should I contact a moderator so I can edit it or something? :/

 

@cap er nick

It would break my heart if he really did feel for me...cause we could have been happy together... sadness T_T

And yeah I think that's true, but I can't seem to understand it, like what's so bad about people knowing those useless (not to mention UN-SECRET cause everyone fricking noticed!) things? I mean I literally came to a point where when I was talking to someone, if I thought oh hey I want to talk about Pein! I would throw that thought in the garbage and just not speak about him. EVER.

Yes it does answer my questions, thanks for the feedback. x)

But it's so difficult I feel like he's unforgettable, I'm just unable to not think about him... I'm just so full of nostalgia and regret and...well, desire...for him. And not necessarily sexual...

And to answer your question, yes I am, but I spent my childhood in America... Thank you for the compliment! ^^

 

@Mystique01

Are you serious? xD Don't want to read it, then don't, that's it. haha

[Stvnssam]

You could of had the best relationship in your life and been so happy right up to this day if you had not of slept with Sasuke. That was your big mistake, there was no hurry for you to lose your virginity and it would of been a hell of a lot more special if you had of waited and had your first time with Pein I could tell from what you wrote that he really did care for you and he was very attracted to you but he wanted to wait seriously it wouldn't of hurt to wait. This will be something you will never in your life forget, you will regret it for the rest of your life. But as the saying goes you learn from your mistakes just don't make the same mistake again with the next bloke.

[whichwayisup]

I just realized I wrote Sasuke's real name in the text! >< Should I contact a moderator so I can edit it or something? :/

 

Yes, use the 'alert us' button and ask the mods to take the real name.

[ludicrousdream]

@whichwayisup

Thanks, I sent them a message. c: Hopefully they'll remove it...

 

@Stvnssam

Thank you for your honest feedback... I guess only Pein knows for sure.

But it does hurt me very much just thinking about that possibility. I just...feel like he hates me and holds a huge grudge against me and I wish he would just forgive me. I have a hard time imagining that, if he really had feelings for me, like how I feel for him now, he just lost them completely...just by me sleeping with someone else? Even though I was clear on the fact this was just about sex? I just sincerely can't seem to understand it...

 

 

And just as a kind of update, I haven't talked to him since (about two months) and the convention is in almost a month, which I'm definitely going to see him at since he's also attending... I want to see him so bad, I miss him so much. T_T gah I'm pitiful...