Boyfriend gaining weight

[lorenq]

Hi, so I'm almost 20 my bf is 21 and ive been with my him for 3 1/2 years.

He was not perfectly fit when we met, he was an average fit guy that i found attractive. Lately, i noticed he had been gaining a little weight and i didnt think much of it, i thought he would easily shred it off in a couple weeks or so.. but now, he is just constantly gaining weight. He never works out anymore or eats healthy. He didnt work out a lot before, but atleast he did something. He has a biggish gut now and it really turns me off when we have sex..i feel like i cant even look at him while we do it and it gets hard when he tries to get intimate- i cant even try to unbutton his pants without feeling his flab hangover his pants and getting turned off.. He knows he's gained weight and i have politely told him, but he hasnt been making an effort to make a difference.

I would not consider myself shallow for this because of course i still love him, his physical appearance is just not the same as it was and it is now affecting my physical attraction to him.

As for me, i have not gained any significant weight as he has. He still finds me incredibly attractive and cant seem to control himself around me.. and i've been feeling bad because i dont quite feel the same.

I would like to point out now that this is not a serious medical issue and i dont think its an emotional issue... he really has nothing to be depressed about. He has one full time job and works from an office at home. I would like to encourage him by doing healthy activities together but our schedules conflict a lot since im at school most of the day and go to work when he gets off work. We could probably go hiking together once a week, but i would really like him to work on doing some kind of physical activity on his own or making a bigger effort to just start living a healthier lifestyle.

Am i asking him to change as a person? Is it considered too much to ask for? I just find myself a little stuck..

[Eau Claire]

What is a little over weight? At 21 he should be fit. Tight stomach and able to run a couple of miles. 21year olds tend to be at the bottom of acceptable weight scales....for example a male 5'9 about 150 lbs.

 

This is not a small matter. It is very serious. As a nurse we see a major trend....fat families. Partners reinforce each other's poor lifestyle. If he is pudgy then he will put on even more weight month after month unless the cycle is broken.

 

Do you want children? Is this a positive role model for your children?

 

Anyways, keep active yourself. Keep fit and eat healthy. You are not his babysitter or mother. He has a brain. If he knows you find him less attractive and he does nothing to shed the pounds and get in shape, then what does it say about his effort in life for you?

 

There is nothing shallow about wanting a partner who takes care of their health. I would not stay with a man who did not lead a healthy lifestyle.

Edited January 24, 2014 by Eau Claire

[FitChick]

If you aren't together 24/7 you have no idea what he is eating. Sounds like too much. Cook together and get junk food out of the house.

 

Why not take ballroom dancing classes or salsa classes? You can go out later to practice what you've learned. Ride bikes, play tennis, inline skate, etc.

[Keenly]

What is a little over weight? At 21 he should be fit. Tight stomach and able to run a couple of miles. 21year olds tend to be at the bottom of acceptable weight scales....for example a male 5'9 about 150 lbs.

 

.

 

I find this statement to be not only unrealistic, but an almost unreachable standard for a lot of men.

 

If your 5'9 and weigh 150, you are skin and bones with no muscle. Sure you can be toned, but you are still a tiny man on a tiny frame to weigh so little.

 

 

OP, your getting very close to crossing Into "mom" territory. You need to be careful about being too nagging or too in his face about it. People do as they please, and if you try and force him into doing this , he will resent you for it.

 

you need to be prepared to do whatever you have to do in order to ensure your own happiness.

[Eau Claire]

I find this statement to be not only unrealistic, but an almost unreachable standard for a lot of men.

 

If your 5'9 and weigh 150, you are skin and bones with no muscle. Sure you can be toned, but you are still a tiny man on a tiny frame to weigh so little.

 

 

OP, your getting very close to crossing Into "mom" territory. You need to be careful about being too nagging or too in his face about it. People do as they please, and if you try and force him into doing this , he will resent you for it.

 

you need to be prepared to do whatever you have to do in order to ensure your own happiness.

 

 

No. You must have a bit of denial with your body unage. 150 lbs is a good weight for a toned , healthy male of that height in an average frame. . Nothing 'tiny' about it. Americans get a warped view of ideal weight because it is often confused with 'average'...average usually being overweight.

Edited January 24, 2014 by Eau Claire

[Keenly]

No. You must have a bit of denia with your body unage. 150 lbs is a good weight for a toned , healthy male of that height. Americans get a warped view of ideal weight because it is often confused with 'average'...average usually being overweight.

 

If that's what you think, more power to you.

 

Its still not really feasible for an lot of men. 150 is truly nothing, especially if you have a broad frame. I'm 5'11, and I've weighed a Constant 200 since I was 18. I don't have a gut, and I'm not fat by any means. I'm just wide with broad shoulders. It would be genetically unfeasible for me to get to 150 or even 160. Where exactly am I going to lose it from ?

 

I think you are doing to men exactly what women complain about happening to them. You can not apply a one size fits all measurement standard to apply to every build and type. That's just ludicrous.

 

I went to the gym for four months and ate less food, and I lost a grand total of 3 and a half pounds. To me, that's my body telling me this is where it is supposed to be. I mean come on, you can see my picture. That's obese? That's overweight ? If you say so.

[pink_sugar]

I find this statement to be not only unrealistic, but an almost unreachable standard for a lot of men.

 

If your 5'9 and weigh 150, you are skin and bones with no muscle. Sure you can be toned, but you are still a tiny man on a tiny frame to weigh so little.

 

 

OP, your getting very close to crossing Into "mom" territory. You need to be careful about being too nagging or too in his face about it. People do as they please, and if you try and force him into doing this , he will resent you for it.

 

you need to be prepared to do whatever you have to do in order to ensure your own happiness.

 

I agree with this. My husband is 5'9" and three quarters and is around 140-145. Even when he was 150, he was still really slim. A few years back he was close to 160+ and had a bit of a gut...it didn't look very good on his physique since he is normally slim/slender and he was drinking and eating a lot of junk. I think 140-145 looks good on him right now as he doesn't workout much. My brother is around 5'8" and around 165, but it looks great on him since he has a more muscular physique. It really depends on the individual.

 

OP, We try and go on walks during the day and hikes on the weekend. We do most of our shopping together and I help him pick out healthier alternatives to keep in the house. I think it works well, but I can relate to having opposite schedules as that was our issue up until I lost my job. We never ate meals together, so I suppose you could encourage him to exercise when you are together and discuss limiting junk food in your household.

[BlametheIrish]

Body Fat Percentage Pictures of men closest to 150 lbs

 

Some very fit men at around 5'9 and 150. Certainly wouldn't describe any of them as skin and bones.

 

If you believe in yhe bmi scale then 5'9 and 150 is well within a healthy weight.

 

Thetes a guy on there at 5'8 and 153, not boff ay all but not at all skinny.

[TaraMaiden]

OP, are either of his parents overweight....?

 

Sometimes, genetics play a part.....

[gaius]

I'm 5'10 and I'd say my perfect weight is between 155-160. And thats with a bit of muscle on the arms and in the chest.

 

If he's porking up lorenq the best thing you could do is be honest and tell him you find it a turnoff. Maybe in a diplomatic way. But make sure he gets the picture. It's ok even if you're fat yourself.

[tman666]

I'm 5'10 and I'd say my perfect weight is between 155-160. And thats with a bit of muscle on the arms and in the chest.

 

If he's porking up lorenq the best thing you could do is be honest and tell him you find it a turnoff. Maybe in a diplomatic way. But make sure he gets the picture. It's ok even if you're fat yourself.

 

Horse****.

 

Lead by example.

[gaius]

Horse****.

 

Lead by example.

Hey, if he went into the relationship and she was fat he can't complain but if he was skinny he's gotta stay that way.

[Keenly]

Do you prepare his meals ? Ninja some GOOD TASTING healthy food.

[tman666]

Hey, if he went into the relationship and she was fat he can't complain but if he was skinny he's gotta stay that way.

 

Completely disagree. But that's fine.

 

This is a tough conversation to have at any rate, and I can't see it going very far if OP is not already taking steps to hold herself to a similar standard.

[lorenq]

I really appreciate all the replies and looking at things from all perspectives.

he is 6'0 and around 200 pounds (im not sure, its a good guess since he hasnt told me his weight in a while.) It looks bad on him because it doesnt fit his figure. all the weight is on his stomach and thighs.

 

And im scarred that if i tell him im beginning to loose attraction, he will take it very personal and get hurt. He is often sensitive. . .

[thefooloftheyear]

I really appreciate all the replies and looking at things from all perspectives.

he is 6'0 and around 200 pounds (im not sure, its a good guess since he hasnt told me his weight in a while.) It looks bad on him because it doesnt fit his figure. all the weight is on his stomach and thighs.

 

And im scarred that if i tell him im beginning to loose attraction, he will take it very personal and get hurt. He is often sensitive. . .

 

Well, thats the problem right there...You really need to tighten attraction..Try to see the better points...You dont want this to scar you too badly:p

 

Still trying to figure out how 200 lbs on a 6' tall adult male is 'fat"...Not that I dont believe you. but if I was 6' Id weigh a whole lot more than that...Heck I weigh more than that now and I am 5'6"...No one has ever called me fat..

 

TFY

[JDPT]

It's so difficult to believe that someone with his height and weight can be considered "fat"?

Why don't you start cooking healthy meals for him, he may take that as an incentive or perhaps hint that you want him to lose a few.

[pink_sugar]

I really appreciate all the replies and looking at things from all perspectives.

he is 6'0 and around 200 pounds (im not sure, its a good guess since he hasnt told me his weight in a while.) It looks bad on him because it doesnt fit his figure. all the weight is on his stomach and thighs.

 

And im scarred that if i tell him im beginning to loose attraction, he will take it very personal and get hurt. He is often sensitive. . .

 

My dad is about that same size (6ft and 195 pounds), he's a little overweight but far from flabby or anything. However, like my brother, he does have a more muscular build and it sounds like your boyfriend does not have big stature, hence the weight gain is really just extra fat on his body. When my dad was about 185, he looked pretty good....but since he's in his 50's, that weight level is difficult for him to achieve even though he eats healthy and exercises a lot.

 

A good way you can approach him with this without hurting his feelings is telling him that you'd like the both of you to become more active and start eating healthier so you both can get into good shape. I think that is the better way to go rather than approaching him and saying he needs to lose weight.

[bubbaganoosh]

I really appreciate all the replies and looking at things from all perspectives.

he is 6'0 and around 200 pounds (im not sure, its a good guess since he hasnt told me his weight in a while.) It looks bad on him because it doesnt fit his figure. all the weight is on his stomach and thighs.

 

And im scarred that if i tell him im beginning to loose attraction, he will take it very personal and get hurt. He is often sensitive. . .

 

 

I hope that when it's your turn and you put a few extra pounds on that you don't come back to this forum crying because your boyfriend or husband told you that he doesn't find you attractive because your ass got big and you boobs are hanging.

 

Your right. We all have feelings, that's not just an exclusive for women.

 

Now before you take this out of context, if you decide to talk to him about it, think before you speak and put the shoe on the other foot and ask yourself how you would want someone to tell you that your out of shape and need to lose weight because once the words roll off your tongue and hit his ears, he may forgive but he wont forget.

[jmsx1993]

If that's what you think, more power to you.

 

Its still not really feasible for an lot of men. 150 is truly nothing, especially if you have a broad frame. I'm 5'11, and I've weighed a Constant 200 since I was 18. I don't have a gut, and I'm not fat by any means. I'm just wide with broad shoulders. It would be genetically unfeasible for me to get to 150 or even 160. Where exactly am I going to lose it from ?

 

I think you are doing to men exactly what women complain about happening to them. You can not apply a one size fits all measurement standard to apply to every build and type. That's just ludicrous.

 

I went to the gym for four months and ate less food, and I lost a grand total of 3 and a half pounds. To me, that's my body telling me this is where it is supposed to be. I mean come on, you can see my picture. That's obese? That's overweight ? If you say so.

 

 

I second this. One of my best friends is built exactly the same as you. He's tall, broad shouldered and big boned. But not "big boned" as in "the nicer term for heavy." No, this guy is legitimately big boned. His wrists (as in, the bones) are huge, he has a very large frame, and he honestly doesn't have an ounce of unhealthy fat on him. (Yeah he doesn't have abs, but come on. Expecting every guy to have abs is just as bad as wanting every girl to be a size zero. It's just not going to happen.) He's always weighed over 200lbs but not because he's out of shape or unhealthy.

People come in all different shapes and sizes. As long as you're taking care of yourself, there's not much else you can do. You can't force your frame to be a different size, or your body to be shaped in a different way. Some people are just large boned, with athletic, broad builds.

 

To the OP, this sounds like one of those times when you just need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. Tell him you'd like to try and get in shape, but you don't want to do it alone, and maybe somehow suggest or hint to him that you'd like him to join you. This way, it doesn't make it seem like you're attacking him and you're suggesting that it's something you do together.

[AHeavyHeart]

Ha, ha...I just have to laugh at this, for it's the classic double standard. Why is it that women feel like bringing up weight issues with their man is perfectly okay, but the second a man mentions to his woman that he's concerned about weight gain, he's immediately put into the dog house?

 

It very well could be a health issue and we should be able to bring up our concerns for each others welfare without feeling bad about it or punished.

 

Just about every time I've mentioned anything about weight to my SO, I've been chastised for doing so. In addition, it almost never encourages them to work harder at getting fit...just resentment from all but the toughest skinned women, in my experience...no matter how I approach the subject.

 

You just have to be okay with it and accept them for who they are...or leave.

 

Having said that, I prefer women with a little meat on their bones as opposed to being skinny...too much in one direction or the other is a definite turn-off for me.

 

I hear ya, OP, for it's tough when your SO starts going out of your "acceptable range"...the best solution I have found is to encourage a change in lifestyle for the both of you...more physical activity and healthier eating habits...the indirect approach.

[gaius]

Completely disagree. But that's fine.

 

This is a tough conversation to have at any rate, and I can't see it going very far if OP is not already taking steps to hold herself to a similar standard.

I don't even get the vibe she's fat, just included that for anyone else who might be reading the thread and find themselves in a similar situation. She wouldn't be the first overweight chick I heard talking like that if she was though.

[pink_sugar]

OP, are either of his parents overweight....?

 

Sometimes, genetics play a part.....

 

That's true, but considering the OP said this is a rapid weight gain, it's likely there has been a major change in his lifestyle. Usually overeating. I know when I gained 8 pounds over 3 months it was because my eating habits had changed and I was eating more. Less activity can be a factor, but eating habits much more so.

[Sidz]

I appreciate your dilemma, lorenq. I think this is a common issue. I think it may be the case, and anyone can feel free to correct me if you think I'm wrong, but a little to some extra weight is desirable in more cases on women than is the same amount on a man. To put it another way, I think fitness is also desirable on women, but some weight doesn't necessarily diminish a woman's attractiveness and this is the case with women more than it is with men.

 

I'm a man and have been struggling with being motivated enough to be true to my own standard of health. Having big legs already, and not excessively wide but somewhat, extra weight makes me look dumpy quickly, although I'm fortunate enough to have good arms and shoulders. I think there is a way for my girlfriend to tell me she'd like me to lose weight, and I'd even welcome the honesty. However, if she were to tell me it is a turnoff, it might interfere with our physical intimacy. In the interest of honesty, I will say that I would be able to put aside the notion that I'm unattractive if she were to express that it is important to her that I lose weight, and I would feel unattractive and maybe a little ridiculous when naked if she were to express that she is turned off by my appearance. I consider myself to be a more sensitive type.

 

I suppose it may be a good idea to take some advice here and suggest some physical things to do, maybe even cook together; suggest healthy things frequently with a positive approach. If that fails, then suggest a little more expressly, but tactfully that it is something that is important to you that he lose weight. If things fail to improve or worsen, it may be time to express a lot of love with some cold, hard truth. Either that or get over it, which I don't think you should have to do as it seems desirable in a relationship that weight gain and health be open to discussion. You know your boyfriend, so I trust you'll take a long, hard look at your situation and choose your words as you see fit.

[OpheliaSong]

Sometimes people don't need a reason to be depressed as it is chemical. My dad started gaining a bit of weight but refused to excercise to eat right so my mom just started buying only healthy food and planning weekends to visit state parks and war memorials and civil war fortresses so he would walk around with her. He lost 25 lbs and was just floored by how much better he felt. When he finally realized what she had done, he was grateful. He looks so much younger too. I hope you can help him.