WS's what were your reactions on D Day?

[violet1]

Hello everyone,

 

I was a MOW who very recently had a D Day. I'm starting this thread because I'm curious about how others reacted when their A was discovered.

 

For me, I was shocked when my BH woke me up at 4 am to confront me. At first I tried to deny it. He looked at me and said, "stop f'n lying, I know you're cheating on me. I've seen your messages." My heart was racing and thought to myself "OMG, I'm busted". I looked at his face, saw the pain in his eyes and immediately started crying. I immediately felt shame and embarrassment. Seeing him in so much pain changed everything for me. It's sad that it took me being discovered to see the damage I've created.

 

The other thing that immediately changed were the feelings I had for the exMOM. I realized that the love I had for him is not real and that we were living in our own fantasy world. Although, I still do care about him ( my H knows this BTW), I have no desire to talk to him again. I also realized I built him up in my mind to be some wonderful savior, when in reality he's not. I told my H last night after our counseling session that I realize that what I had with the OM was not real. I'm actually glad I was caught because now that it's all in the open, my H and I can make healthy decisions regarding our M.

 

I know this thread is a very sensitive topic and might cause a few BS's to trigger and that's not my intentions at all. I want to learn and grow from my own and others experiences. Please keep your replies on topic and civil. I'd also love to hear from BS's out there. Describe how your WS reacted when your discovered his/her infidelities. Thanks for reading.

[Owl]

My wife's reaction was a good bit different from that of many WS's in the very first stages.

 

She didn't try to deny...she couldn't. I sent her my proof via email as the kick off of my confrontation to her.

 

When I asked her why...she simply said that she was torn, that she couldn't handle being in love with two men at the same time. When I left for a few hours to get my head straight, she contacted him, he bought her plane ticket to fly to his state to live with him...even though they'd never met in person.

 

When she informed me of this when I returned, I told her that I was not going to live in the same house with her while she was waiting to go be with him. She packed her bags, told the kids, and went to a motel.

 

Hers was clearly intended to be an exit affair. The problem she had was that she'd not realized how close we actually still were, how unprepared to lose me completely out of her life she truly was.

 

It was that realization...that if she left, she'd NEVER again be part of my life in any fashion or form whatsoever...that caused her to start doubting her choices.

 

She assumed that I'd be hurt, but I'd forgive her and we'd all end up as some kind of extended family. She hadn't given thought to the fact that if she did this to me, I'd likely never forgive her, nor would I ever want her around again.

 

For the first few days post d-day, we couldn't really talk to each other. Too much emotion. On the day she was supposed to fly...I showed up at her motel room early that morning. My intent was to try to give her a good day...to show her what she was about to give up. But...OM called while I was there. He could hear her hesitation, her confusion. It pissed him off...he got mad, told her not to come. Told her to stay with me then.

 

She broke down in tears. Couldn't function. I checked her out of the motel, and drove her home. Later that afternoon, we started a series of "brutally honest" talks that became the starting point of our reconciliation, although neither of us knew that at the time.

 

It took about a month for her to make a choice to stay and work on the marriage...but when she did, she did so wholeheartedly...and we've been going strong ever since.

 

That was in 2004, btw.

[harrybrown]

It has been 3 years. I started receiving threatening phone calls. Many lies in the phone calls.

 

To cut to thru the lies I was told, and what the calls have finally revealed,

my wife's AP had another AP. She(the other AP) found about my wife and was upset. She was so wacko, she had a male friend call with the information she found.

 

My wife has denied everything. They sent me additional information. Picture. I recognized the room. It had my bed in it. I made the headboard. When you make something, you know what it looks like.

Some of the calls were lies, but some of the information could be true.

I do not know what to believe. Still in limbo.

 

The threatening phone calls continued. the roof started leaking. When a contractor came, he had been in the business a long time and was ex military. The leaks were caused by bullet holes shot into the roof/attic over my bedroom. The attic is blown insulation. I talked to the police. They did not even try to find the bullets. They told me it is not like finding a bullet on tv. In the dark attic, you can barely stand and the insulation is blown all over. I went up there with a flashlight, but you can't find anything in all the mess.

 

We live in a nice subdivision and it is a nice house in the suburbs. Not where you would expect bullets.

 

It has turned my life upside down. With all the threats against me, I purchased a gun. I traced one of the phone calls to a pay phone outside a gas station. I now have caller ID at home.

 

My wife has been more loving. My son needed some help, so that put things on hold and things are still on hold for 2 more years. (for my son) Recently I told my wife I was leaving. She told me she was coming with me. She still denies that anything occurred.

 

I used to be more confident. I am a hard working man. I have provided for my family for many years. Because of my hard work, I am successful in business. I do not sleep well. Over time, the nightmares are less. I do feel like second-rate, a back-up plan. But sometimes I think it was all her selfishness.

 

I feel like I have had several D-days and not just one. I never dreamed this would turn my life so upside down. Who thinks that your AP is cheating on you and could introduce crazy into your life? Yes the AP is cheating on his wife, but also more than one AP at a time?

 

Sorry if this is not like one D-day, and not what you were looking for.

 

I do hope you and your H are able to sort this out for what you both want.

I also hope you both will be able to take the decisions slow and help each other with the pain.

[tired girl]

I actually told my H I was going to do it before I did it. We were separated already and I had been begging for MC and he wanted no part of it. I do believe that he never thought I would actually do it. I told him our M would be over by the end of that night. Telling him the next morning that I had in fact slept with someone else and our M was over was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I also didn't think he cared, as he had told me to go ahead. It was two days later when he sent me an email that broke my heart and I realized that he still loved me that I just crumbled. We started talking at that point, but seeing him in that much pain is something I will never forget. I truly thought our M was over and I was severing that last tie. That wasn't how he felt at all. I have never hurt a person to that degree and doing that to him was devastating to me. I embarked on a quest to find out how I could make such a choice. It has changed who I am to my very core.

 

When I busted my H in his second to my knowledge EA, two years ago, he lied, gaslighted and blamed me. And I had the proof in my hands. What killed me was when I hung up the phone from confronting him on a business trip and watched him call her. My love for him in that moment left. And it has been hard to get it back. He came home from the business trip and confessed and has been a changed man. I couldn't ask for more. But lying to me has been very hard for me to get past.

[RightThere]

I was in shock. I figured out what was going on (or my own limited version of what what going on at that time) and confronted my STBXW.

 

I was upset, but I know now that I was in total shock. Didn't really get that my wife was actually screwing other guys and had no regard for me. Still doesn't for that matter.

 

My initial reaction was I wanted to forgive her. But all of her actions that day and since have shown that she doesn't actually feel bad about what she did or continues to do.

[Confused48]

Voilet1, my story is so similar to yours it is eerie. Maybe not. Maybe this happens to a lot of people.

 

It was a late night text that came in on my WS's phone. I looked. It was very incriminating. No possible denial. WS denied it anyway and fell back asleep. I texted back pretending to be WS. The AP took the bait and sealed the deal.

 

Next time I woke WS up, WS collapsed in horror and pain. Lots of tears.

 

My own reaction shocked us both. I had suspected something or I would not have been checking the phone. In my mind, pre-Dday, I was 100% certain there would be no second chance. WS was certain I'd feel this way too. When I saw the pain in WS, the pain at the thought of losing me, I changed.

 

Thanks for posting. It is good to hear what goes through the mind of the WS. Funny I just today posted a thread question to any fWS.

[peaksandvalleys]

He is still in denial that anything that happened was because of his actions. He swung between begging me to not divorce and telling what a "b" I was. He and the OW felt like everyone else should shoulder the responsibility of their choices. I suspect had he been truly remorseful he wouldn't have been able to do it for years. He was just sorry he got caught and lost everything.

[katielee]

I confessed and I wrote him a letter and read it aloud so I wouldn't forget anything. He threw up. I knew I'd have to carry him for a long long time.

He called me names, all I deserved. I broke his heart, big time.

[violet1]

Voilet1, my story is so similar to yours it is eerie. Maybe not. Maybe this happens to a lot of people.

 

It was a late night text that came in on my WS's phone. I looked. It was very incriminating. No possible denial. WS denied it anyway and fell back asleep. I texted back pretending to be WS. The AP took the bait and sealed the deal.

 

Next time I woke WS up, WS collapsed in horror and pain. Lots of tears.

 

My own reaction shocked us both. I had suspected something or I would not have been checking the phone. In my mind, pre-Dday, I was 100% certain there would be no second chance. WS was certain I'd feel this way too. When I saw the pain in WS, the pain at the thought of losing me, I changed.

 

Thanks for posting. It is good to hear what goes through the mind of the WS. Funny I just today posted a thread question to any fWS.

Very similar except my BH wasn't snooping. I fell asleep while I was texting my exMOM. My H couldn't find his phone so he grabbed mine to call his and the messages were right there. He said he had suspicions but they always left his mind because he never thought I'd cheat on him. Yeah, I feel pretty sh*tty about it.

[BetrayedH]

I sat on proof for 3 days in hopes of proof that would hold up in court. But when she gave me a speech about how she was "trying" to work on the marriage, I called her out on it. She broke down crying and apologizing. Something in me immediately changed and I held and consoled her. It was surreal. From that moment, I was focused on helping her and restoring our marriage.

 

We tried to reconcile but she just kept lying (trickle-truthing) until I just snapped.

 

I've been encouraged to read you say that you've been honest since Dday. I hope that's true. It's amazing how many can't even admit to TT even on an anonymous forum. And it's almost impossible to over-stress how important it is that you just stop lying about ANYTHING. Whatever you do, please just rip the band-aid off. If you've held onto anything thinking that he "can't handle it" (or that it would "just hurt him" or that you're "protecting him"), just stop and get it out in the open today. If you don't, you can forget about any kind of reconciliation or even an amiable divorce, for that matter. My exwife's lies have permanently ruined any kind of potential for a civil relationship and our kids are just 7 and 11. It's amazing how much damage the dishonesty alone has done to us.

[Confused48]

Very similar except my BH wasn't snooping. I fell asleep while I was texting my exMOM. My H couldn't find his phone so he grabbed mine to call his and the messages were right there. He said he had suspicions but they always left his mind because he never thought I'd cheat on him. Yeah, I feel pretty sh*tty about it.

 

I'll bet his radar was up. He might not want to admit to snooping but when my radar was up I "failed" to find my phone a few times too. I don't feel the least bit bad about that.

 

Although my radar was up, I suspected only that something inappropriate might be going on. That maybe WS might be planning to leave me. I was 100% certain that I knew WS would NEVER do something so against WS own standards as to have an affair.

[EverySunset]

I was in shock. I figured out what was going on (or my own limited version of what what going on at that time) and confronted my STBXW.

 

I was upset, but I know now that I was in total shock. Didn't really get that my wife was actually screwing other guys and had no regard for me. Still doesn't for that matter.

 

My initial reaction was I wanted to forgive her. But all of her actions that day and since have shown that she doesn't actually feel bad about what she did or continues to do.

 

I like your posts a lot. They fall in line w stuff I could post all the time.

 

After his Ddays I was in a total fog. I should have rolled out. The fact that I didn't is the only regret I have in the whole situation.

 

yeah he cheated on me. Tons. But in the end, the only thing I won't get back in this life is time, and his long drawn out trickle truth, expertly crafted gaslighting and blame shifting completely mind effed me.

 

its taken me even more time to unknot my incredibly warped little mind and I'm just barely starting to get there. So never, EVER again.

 

I have great capacity to forgive. But it helps propel me on... As I move on.

[Fluttershy]

My H confessed so he was prepared for Dday and the affair was already over. I on the otherhand was not. DDay was relatively calm as I was so shocked. The weeks following I lost it enough that I realized I had some serious coping and co-dependant issues. My husband told me everything. The few minor things he forgot he told me when something would remind him (not trickle truth). My husband is the cliche good man who made a series of poor descisions. And actually besides my own seperate issues that lead to the affair I did enable the affair in one major way.

 

I did not understand boundaries. I'm not talking trust. I'm talking allowing excessive friendship between male and female. I was so proud of myself and my husband that I wasn't jealous and he could be "just friends"

 

Jealousy, in control, is there for a reason. There is nothif wrong with being jealous and speaking up if your partner is forming a close friendship with a memeber of the opposite sex. If there was one thing I could do Different pre affair it would be telling my husband that his communications with her were making me uncomfortable. Maybe it wouldn't have changed and what not but I'll never know that.

 

I think all people need to learn what boundries are good to have.

 

Good god did i get on a tangent!

[WasOtherWoman]

 

I did not understand boundaries. I'm not talking trust. I'm talking allowing excessive friendship between male and female. I was so proud of myself and my husband that I wasn't jealous and he could be "just friends"

 

Jealousy, in control, is there for a reason. There is nothif wrong with being jealous and speaking up if your partner is forming a close friendship with a memeber of the opposite sex. If there was one thing I could do Different pre affair it would be telling my husband that his communications with her were making me uncomfortable. Maybe it wouldn't have changed and what not but I'll never know that.

 

I think all people need to learn what boundries are good to have.

 

Good god did i get on a tangent!

 

This is so true! I was a BW many years ago. I prided myself on how modern our marital relationship was... we had separate careers, separate friends, etc. etc.

 

In retrospect, not such a good plan.

[janedoe67]

When I confessed, I was already broken. When I was caught, I was taken off guard at first, but I also felt kind of relieved. Then I felt horrible about how it affected him. Then when I quit being a robot I realized if I was ever going to BE different I was going to have to change INSIDE and out.

[carhill]

I was a MOW who very recently had a D Day. I'm starting this thread because I'm curious about how others reacted when their A was discovered disclosed.

 

I would say more sadness than any other identifiable emotion was my overriding feeling for that day when I sat my exW down and laid it all out. My recollection was that she was pretty calm, and remained so, which aligns with our general demeanors throughout our M, in that I was generally more emotionally demonstrative than she was. Secondarily, I would identify shock; shock at following through on my promise to get my needs met elsewhere, even though I had never considered doing that in any relationship prior. Shock at who I had become. It manifested as a physically 'cold' sensation.

[MuddyFootprints]

Our story is very similar to owl's. Though we are much earlier into our reconciliation, I know we are going to make it.

 

I give considerable credit to many former and current members here for us being able to save our marriage. Without LS, I don't think we would have come as far as we have.

[violet1]

I'll bet his radar was up. He might not want to admit to snooping but when my radar was up I "failed" to find my phone a few times too. I don't feel the least bit bad about that.

 

Although my radar was up, I suspected only that something inappropriate might be going on. That maybe WS might be planning to leave me. I was 100% certain that I knew WS would NEVER do something so against WS own standards as to have an affair.

 

It's very possible that his radar was up. Earlier that day he said he had a weird feeling he couldn't overcome. He's famous for misplacing his phone though long before the A started. I'm glad he found out though. I was very deep in the A and too chicken to confess. Now I'm on my way out of limbo land. Our therapist said that now it's all out in the open it's time to make serious decisions. He said I need to be ALL in or completely out of the M, absolutely no in betweens. I'm going to write down all of my feelings down and sit down with my H.

[violet1]

Thank you everyone for sharing their experiences. It helps me a lot to know what others have gone through. I don't think anyone can deny that affairs are destructive and painful. I think it's good for us WS's and BS's to discuss and learn from each other in a peaceful manner.

[Anne Boleyn]

I felt a mix of things, but mostly relief. When I first saw that he had emails I'd sent to the other man, at first it was panic. I had that cold, tingly burning feeling, but then, once the words were said... Relief. I was glad that the truth was out there so that we could be on the same page again, even if I knew at that point that our marriage wasn't going to be saved.

 

 

There was hurt, a lot of it. He was hurt because even though we knew we weren't going to last that much longer, he saw the end of the marriage going differently. So did I, really.

 

 

I guess what surprised me was the support I got from him. We were so resigned to the end for so long without actually saying it that, when the end was there and he knew the reason, he just wanted to make sure I was OK.

 

 

I don't know, the whole thing went better, yet so much worse, than I had played it out in my mind.

[compulsivedancer]

I sat on proof for 3 days in hopes of proof that would hold up in court. But when she gave me a speech about how she was "trying" to work on the marriage, I called her out on it. She broke down crying and apologizing. Something in me immediately changed and I held and consoled her. It was surreal. From that moment, I was focused on helping her and restoring our marriage.

 

We tried to reconcile but she just kept lying (trickle-truthing) until I just snapped.

 

I've been encouraged to read you say that you've been honest since Dday. I hope that's true. It's amazing how many can't even admit to TT even on an anonymous forum. And it's almost impossible to over-stress how important it is that you just stop lying about ANYTHING. Whatever you do, please just rip the band-aid off. If you've held onto anything thinking that he "can't handle it" (or that it would "just hurt him" or that you're "protecting him"), just stop and get it out in the open today. If you don't, you can forget about any kind of reconciliation or even an amiable divorce, for that matter. My exwife's lies have permanently ruined any kind of potential for a civil relationship and our kids are just 7 and 11. It's amazing how much damage the dishonesty alone has done to us.

This is true. We had to have some tough talks about finances as well, because I had hidden how badly I was mismanaging a few of our financial interests. It was time to get everything out on the table, and it helped a lot. (Btw, our finances have been great for a while and we - fingers crossed - may close on our house very soon).

[compulsivedancer]

My H confessed so he was prepared for Dday and the affair was already over. I on the otherhand was not. DDay was relatively calm as I was so shocked. The weeks following I lost it enough that I realized I had some serious coping and co-dependant issues. My husband told me everything. The few minor things he forgot he told me when something would remind him (not trickle truth). My husband is the cliche good man who made a series of poor descisions. And actually besides my own seperate issues that lead to the affair I did enable the affair in one major way.

 

I did not understand boundaries. I'm not talking trust. I'm talking allowing excessive friendship between male and female. I was so proud of myself and my husband that I wasn't jealous and he could be "just friends"

 

Jealousy, in control, is there for a reason. There is nothif wrong with being jealous and speaking up if your partner is forming a close friendship with a memeber of the opposite sex. If there was one thing I could do Different pre affair it would be telling my husband that his communications with her were making me uncomfortable. Maybe it wouldn't have changed and what not but I'll never know that.

 

I think all people need to learn what boundries are good to have.

 

Good god did i get on a tangent!

 

This is similar to my situation with H and OM. H knew I went over to OM's house about once a week, and he allowed it because we were becoming friends and he didn't want to be "that guy" who wouldn't allow his wife to have male friends.

 

He trusted both of us so much. It hurts to think how trusting he was and how completely we took advantage of that.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I think this is a great question. One I can't answer right now because I'm having a bad night and the emotions are too much. I actually almost passed out when I first found out...I read it in a message to a friend of his. My ears started ringing and all my limbs went cold and numb. Then I went into some sort of zoned out stage and started packing his clothes. It was like I was a robot. It was an awful day. Our son was home so I reserved the screaming for later that day when I thought our son wasn't listening. unfortunately he was. He's very young and we've talked to him about it a lot. So..yeah...that's all the detail I'll give for now or I'll be a bawling mess and no one needs to see that mess.

[compulsivedancer]

Before DDay, it was obvious that H was suspicious, for the whole weekend. He tried to get me to confess. I almost did once but remembered that I had promised OM I would not ( Go figure - that's the promise I kept!)

 

On DDay, I was at work and H started texting me. At first I tried to deny and just kept denying, until it was obvious that he was reading a transcript of our conversations. I realized what he was reading and realized I might as well come clean. He told me that he'd called OM and OM was over at the house. I realized I had to come home, so I found a replacement to cover my job and went home.

 

At home, H was in full-on power-anger mode (OM was there as well). I immediately began crying. But I was also still in a very angry, selfish mode. At one point he asked if I regretted it, and I said that I regretted hurting him, but didn't regret sleeping with OM. (You will see other posters mention this occasionally to me, as H posted about it in the thread he had on LS).

 

I didn't feel regret at all that first day. It was exactly as I'd said: I felt terrible seeing H in such pain, but I felt entitled and justified in my "right" to my relationship with OM. That night I went out with a friend and we talked and talked and she just listened and asked me hard questions, and I began to understand what I had done.

 

After that, H and I started having long conversations, and my perceptions began to change. Just a day or two later, it was like I was a completely different person. Like a switch in my brain had been flipped. I actually felt the need to make some physical changes (like cutting my hair) to signify my split with my old self.

 

It's been almost a year since DDay, and I think we're going to make it. Things have gotten a lot better. The pain is still there, and H still thinks about it every day, but we've had a lot of growth and we are a much stronger couple than we were before.

 

Violet, I hope that you are able to take the journey and do the work expected if you are to reconcile. It's hard - it's very hard - but it's harder still on your H. Your journey is one of self-discovery and self-improvement, and it's about lessons in love and commitment, and it's a very beautiful journey, if challenging. His journey is about putting a shattered, traumatized world back together, and learning to love the fleeting beauties - the rose with all it's thorns, etc.

 

Hmm...it must be the DDay anniversary coming up...I find myself being quite reflective today. Oh, well, hope it helps. Feel free to PM if you want to talk more.

[goodyblue]

It has been 3 years. I started receiving threatening phone calls. Many lies in the phone calls.

 

To cut to thru the lies I was told, and what the calls have finally revealed,

my wife's AP had another AP. She(the other AP) found about my wife and was upset. She was so wacko, she had a male friend call with the information she found.

 

My wife has denied everything. They sent me additional information. Picture. I recognized the room. It had my bed in it. I made the headboard. When you make something, you know what it looks like.

Some of the calls were lies, but some of the information could be true.

I do not know what to believe. Still in limbo.

 

The threatening phone calls continued. the roof started leaking. When a contractor came, he had been in the business a long time and was ex military. The leaks were caused by bullet holes shot into the roof/attic over my bedroom. The attic is blown insulation. I talked to the police. They did not even try to find the bullets. They told me it is not like finding a bullet on tv. In the dark attic, you can barely stand and the insulation is blown all over. I went up there with a flashlight, but you can't find anything in all the mess.

 

We live in a nice subdivision and it is a nice house in the suburbs. Not where you would expect bullets.

 

It has turned my life upside down. With all the threats against me, I purchased a gun. I traced one of the phone calls to a pay phone outside a gas station. I now have caller ID at home.

 

My wife has been more loving. My son needed some help, so that put things on hold and things are still on hold for 2 more years. (for my son) Recently I told my wife I was leaving. She told me she was coming with me. She still denies that anything occurred.

 

I used to be more confident. I am a hard working man. I have provided for my family for many years. Because of my hard work, I am successful in business. I do not sleep well. Over time, the nightmares are less. I do feel like second-rate, a back-up plan. But sometimes I think it was all her selfishness.

 

I feel like I have had several D-days and not just one. I never dreamed this would turn my life so upside down. Who thinks that your AP is cheating on you and could introduce crazy into your life? Yes the AP is cheating on his wife, but also more than one AP at a time?

 

Sorry if this is not like one D-day, and not what you were looking for.

 

I do hope you and your H are able to sort this out for what you both want.

I also hope you both will be able to take the decisions slow and help each other with the pain.

 

Dear Maury:...

Holy cow. No wonder you post as you do. So sorry.