WS's what were your reactions on D Day?

[LostInM]

I had suspected for a week or so. I saw his posts in Facebook and her replies and every so often I would dial in to my desktop to retrieve a file and see the FB chat open. She said it was a guy at work when I asked her.

 

The morning after she came home blitzed drunk I saw the chat window open at work and looked at our phone bill. There were hundreds of texts to him. I called her at home and said I was calling ATT and getting the text transcripts. She begged me not to and broke down and basically spilled everything.

 

I went home and tried calling him but he was to much of wimp to pick up the phone. He would only text me. She have his name and I called a few friends in the state police (he works security). I told him if he ever contacted my wife again I would contact his boss, his family and all of his friends to let them know what kind of guy he is. I never heard from him again.

 

He pulled the page right out the how to pick up a married woman websight. My wife was convinced they were friends. Then she read the websight and cried. The hardest part to this day is she told me she developed feelings for him. It's something I have trouble with.

 

It's been three years. Still struggling but we are trying to make it work.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

It has been 3 years. I started receiving threatening phone calls. Many lies in the phone calls.

 

To cut to thru the lies I was told, and what the calls have finally revealed,

my wife's AP had another AP. She(the other AP) found about my wife and was upset. She was so wacko, she had a male friend call with the information she found.

 

My wife has denied everything. They sent me additional information. Picture. I recognized the room. It had my bed in it. I made the headboard. When you make something, you know what it looks like.

Some of the calls were lies, but some of the information could be true.

I do not know what to believe. Still in limbo.

 

The threatening phone calls continued. the roof started leaking. When a contractor came, he had been in the business a long time and was ex military. The leaks were caused by bullet holes shot into the roof/attic over my bedroom. The attic is blown insulation. I talked to the police. They did not even try to find the bullets. They told me it is not like finding a bullet on tv. In the dark attic, you can barely stand and the insulation is blown all over. I went up there with a flashlight, but you can't find anything in all the mess.

 

We live in a nice subdivision and it is a nice house in the suburbs. Not where you would expect bullets.

 

It has turned my life upside down. With all the threats against me, I purchased a gun. I traced one of the phone calls to a pay phone outside a gas station. I now have caller ID at home.

 

My wife has been more loving. My son needed some help, so that put things on hold and things are still on hold for 2 more years. (for my son) Recently I told my wife I was leaving. She told me she was coming with me. She still denies that anything occurred.

 

I used to be more confident. I am a hard working man. I have provided for my family for many years. Because of my hard work, I am successful in business. I do not sleep well. Over time, the nightmares are less. I do feel like second-rate, a back-up plan. But sometimes I think it was all her selfishness.

 

I feel like I have had several D-days and not just one. I never dreamed this would turn my life so upside down. Who thinks that your AP is cheating on you and could introduce crazy into your life? Yes the AP is cheating on his wife, but also more than one AP at a time?

 

Sorry if this is not like one D-day, and not what you were looking for.

 

I do hope you and your H are able to sort this out for what you both want.

I also hope you both will be able to take the decisions slow and help each other with the pain.

 

Harry - I am confused - who shot bullets into your roof? The OM's other AP? How bizarre.

[Woggle]

I walked in home from work early and she was having sex with the other man. I told her it was over.

[harrybrown]

Harry - I am confused - who shot bullets into your roof? The OM's other AP? How bizarre.

 

I am confused also. I think she did or had someone do it. But I can't prove anything. I have talked to the police a couple of times.

 

Unless someone was hit by the bullets, they will not do anything at this time. They are busy and taking care of crime and enforcing the law. I do understand that the police work very hard at their jobs. I have a couple of friends on the force. The roof has been repaired. Either they were trying to scare me or were a bad shot. I am really hoping that they leave us alone. I have grandchildren and I want them safe.

 

She is crazy!

Edited January 25, 2014 by harrybrown
edit

[lilmisscantbewrong]

FMOW and BS here.

 

My husband had suspected for awhile, but like many BS's really didn't believe it because if my religious convictions. Xmom's BS had suspected for longer. We found out later that she had been reading our emails for about 1 1/2 years (all mostly innocuous). At any rate it was an email where xmom said he was falling in love with me that did it. She followed us to where we were meeting for lunch and afterward texted him and told him that she was leaving for the night and don't try to find her. He was panicked as was I. Finally she told him where she was, he met with her, he confessed and then the three of us met the next day. She did not want anyone to know, not even my husband. So we remained in this weird triangle of only the three of us knowing - them still coming over, us going out to dinner and church together, hanging out, etc.

 

She was quiet and reserved and really as gracious as I could imagine - she had me for lunch and appeared really concerned for me and how I was doing. It was very surreal and strange. She would email and text me checking in on me daily. She trusted it would not start up again but it did - within a few weeks - partly because I was ready to confess to my husband. I was sick. But he convinced me it could all work.

 

So a month later, while away for a weekend, my husband asked me if we were having an affair and I denied it. I said I loved xmom and he was my best friend, but we weren't in an affair. It was a big fight that night, but my husband retreated and a few more months went by.

 

Then one morning he woke me up and brought up my laptop. He had been searching and found some poetry I had written and knew it was about xmom. I confessed, he was angry - I couldn't get my youngest out of the house fast enough as he wanted to tell them. I got her to school but by the time I got back he had woken our other daughter and told her. He called xmom's bs, and met with her. He talked with xmom once (told him he forgave him - but I think he was in shock as he told him I was a bunny boiler). Then as he kept threatening to kill himself (telling our middle daughter thus), she got scared and called the associate pastor ( who we thought was our friend and was close to us but was an asshat), he told the senior pastor - the decision was made to read our names before the church. Public humiliation and shaming ensued.

 

It was horrible and my husband will say now hindsight it was not a good thing - it delayed recovery.

 

When I confronted my husband about his affair, I wanted to badly to handle things differently and I did. I kept it quiet and let his xmow leave the office over a period of time so as not to raise suspicions. I was calm and understanding but firm about her having to leave. I could have blown him apart but I loved him enough to not do that to him.

 

Sorry - such a long post.

[Steadfast]

Thank you everyone for sharing their experiences. It helps me a lot to know what others have gone through. I don't think anyone can deny that affairs are destructive and painful. I think it's good for us WS's and BS's to discuss and learn from each other in a peaceful manner.

 

I'm not sharing the warm and fuzzy...especially when a poster demands civility. Still, I must agree that little is gained from being rude. It's also true that we tend to learn more from our mistakes than our accomplishments.

 

But an affair is not a mistake violet; it's a decision. I know you didn't claim that, but some might find it difficult to believe that you would willingly plan and organize your life to cheat on your husband, only to have 'the pain in his eyes' snap you out of the lifestyle process. Where was the shame before? You don't seem surprised by his reaction to this discovery, yet you claim that same reaction was the motivation behind your epiphany?

 

I wish you the best in your marriage, and that you can accomplish all you desire. Honestly will play a big role, along with some hard realizations about control and truth. Your husband faces the very same challenge.

[William]

As a reminder, this thread is directed at *wayward spouses/partners*, soliciting their reactions on 'D-day', so responses moving forward will be confined to those parameters. There are threads available, for free, in this forum, for betrayed spouses to discuss their reactions on D-day. Thank you!

 

Edited to add a thread was just started directed to betrayed spouses/partners regarding how they felt if staying, discussing 'shame'. That's a great example.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/457232-there-shame-staying

Edited January 25, 2014 by William
Add example thread

[compulsivedancer]

I'd also love to hear from BS's out there. Describe how your WS reacted when your discovered his/her infidelities. Thanks for reading.

 

William, she stated that she'd like to hear from both.

[violet1]

I'm not sharing the warm and fuzzy...especially when a poster demands civility. Still, I must agree that little is gained from being rude. It's also true that we tend to learn more from our mistakes than our accomplishments.

 

But an affair is not a mistake violet; it's a decision. I know you didn't claim that, but some might find it difficult to believe that you would willingly plan and organize your life to cheat on your husband, only to have 'the pain in his eyes' snap you out of the lifestyle process. Where was the shame before? You don't seem surprised by his reaction to this discovery, yet you claim that same reaction was the motivation behind your epiphany?

 

I wish you the best in your marriage, and that you can accomplish all you desire. Honestly will play a big role, along with some hard realizations about control and truth. Your husband faces the very same challenge.

 

Actually, I'm shocked by his reactions. I thought for sure he'd immediately ask for divorce. My H has a horrible temper and instead of raging like he normally does when he's upset, he cried. My H rarely cries btw. Seeing him cry because of me literally broke my heart to pieces. Honestly, I didn't think he truly cared about me or our M. I'm not rewriting marital history either. Our M is broken and has been for a very long time. I can count on both hands the amount of times we've had sex in 2013. The end of 2012 is when we stopped sleeping in the same bed. I got sick of fighting and the stress so I intentionally sought out an A online. I wanted an escape from it all.

 

I get people may be skeptical of my change of heart and the feelings of shame I'm suddenly experiencing. This is why I created the thread. I want to know how other WS's reacted on their D Day. I want to know if what I'm experiencing is normal considering the circumstances s.

 

I asked for civility and to stay on topic because attacking me is not going to help with my situation. I didn't want this thread to become a hateful debate. If asking for civility offended you then you have my sincere apologies.

[William]

William, she stated that she'd like to hear from both.

Yes, specifically how they viewed *their* wayward spouse's reactions, not their own. Confine comments to that. I'm being a stickler here because there is inevitably a slippery slope to editorial comments about other members and their situations, which I'm not going to allow. Those are the rules.

[WhiteOrchid]

My WH's response to D-Day shocked me. I had suspicions about a year prior - but no proof. I did a "soft confront" (BIG mistake), accepted his excuses and lies and told myself there was nothing to worry about. Then six months ago, I found irrefutable proof of his PA. I packed up, left a note telling him I knew everything and that I wanted a divorce. I was sure he would try to tickle truth, deny, etc. But when he found the note he begged me to see him so we could talk and he would tell me everything - no more BS.

 

And he did. He completely came clean about everything - including many things I did not know and would never have known if he hadn't told me. Even things that made him look horrible. He answered every question, no matter how painful the answer (and still continues to do so). And he begged for a chance to be the husband he always should have been.

 

When I wrote that note and left, I was sure my marriage was over and there was zero chance of any type of reconciliation. But his reaction on D-Day and his follow through for the last 6 months changed my mind. Life is very strange sometimes.

[Tarnished]

I was the one to reveal my affair to my husband. I had ended it that day with MOM and I was upset at that, but also feeling so guilty about what I had been doing for six months. My husband can read me like a book and knew something was up. I'd had a few glasses of wine so used that dutch courage to tell him.

 

There were lots of tears from both of us and fear in me like I've never known. That was about five weeks ago now and hubby and I are still working through it all.

 

MOM has just had his own D-Day when my husband emailed his wife. However he's chosen to deny everything and say that nothing happened (even though she was having suspicions) - see my other post. We think he's telling her that I wanted an affair and he told me no so I sought revenge…

[Steadfast]

...My H has a horrible temper and instead of raging like he normally does when he's upset, he cried. My H rarely cries btw. Seeing him cry because of me literally broke my heart to pieces. Honestly, I didn't think he truly cared about me or our M....

 

I get people may be skeptical of my change of heart and the feelings of shame I'm suddenly experiencing. This is why I created the thread

 

No apologies needed violet, and thanks for the clarification. I can see your motivation for posting and am sincerely glad that your heart wasn't hardened past the point of no return. It isn't my place to question your honesty, but just to remind anyone reading that it is critical to healing.

 

My reaction when I discovered my wife was unfaithful? Honestly, you'd have to ask her because the details are still blurry. What I do remember is feeling an overwhelming sense that our marriage was truly over. She confessed, in very straightforward, cutting manner, then followed by saying she was done. She was. She never, ever came off of that for even a minute, although she did dramatically reach out to me several times over the course of our separation. Even after the divorce was final. I came home late several times (after being with other women) to find her sleeping in my bed. Yet, she never came out and said she wanted me back.

 

I am happy and my spirit is lifted reading of your reaction to his reaction. In my opinion, this proves you really do love him. He's a lucky man.

[Confused48]

Actually, I'm shocked by his reactions. I thought for sure he'd immediately ask for divorce. My H has a horrible temper and instead of raging like he normally does when he's upset, he cried. My H rarely cries btw. Seeing him cry because of me literally broke my heart to pieces. Honestly, I didn't think he truly cared about me or our M. I'm not rewriting marital history either. Our M is broken and has been for a very long time. I can count on both hands the amount of times we've had sex in 2013. The end of 2012 is when we stopped sleeping in the same bed. I got sick of fighting and the stress so I intentionally sought out an A online. I wanted an escape from it all.

 

 

Violet,

 

Thanks for this thread and your posts in particular. I love to hear from WS. Especially from ones like you and CD. It tends to confirm for me that my WS is telling me the truth.

 

Parts of the above resonate with my situation. We always had and do have a good sex life but I tend to react angrily way too often. I'm not a yeller but do have anger managment issues. Yet on Dday I just was a mess. Like I'd been stabbed in the heart. I felt no anger. I felt so sorry for WS even, the pain in WS eyes was debilitating to me.

 

WS told me this was a shock to WS. Totally unexpected. Expected was that I'd be furious and immediately end the relationship. That i did not react as expected, changed WS almost instantly.

[snappytomcat]

hi violet im new here,but I really think you are a kind person,i love reading all your post

anyways my wh when caught begged me to stay and go to mc,he called ow up,and told her he didn't want any more communication between them,he blocked her from everything,this pissed off the ow,and she did retaliate it was awful,but my husband and I went to mc,worked on what we both played apart of how the marriage became stagnant,he cried on dday,and said even though it was horrible.a big weight was lifted from him,and I saved him that day,he also said even though he told her he did,he never loved her,and the day he started the affair he had hit rock bottom,something he needs to work on,and hes disgusted by everything,her him,and doesn't have any good thoughts of her,and doesn't even remember what she looks like,june 7th will be on year since dday,our marriage is better than ever,but some days can be hard,but we picked a hobby that we both love to do,and do it as much as possible,and that's motorcycle riding,its fun for us both,brings us closer to together,and luckily here in socal it biker paradise can we can ride year round,he helps me cook,clean,never did before,he realizes I gave him a gift,and that gift was a second chance.

I hope,and pray everything will work out for you

[peruano99]

I had a friend whose WS cheated on him with 3 different men. She started crying and apologizing. He forgave her. A couple of months later, she cheated again, and she tried to cry this time as well. He broke it off with her. That's why I have a hard time telling if when a WS cries, it's because of shame or because they got caught.

[violet1]

I had a friend whose WS cheated on him with 3 different men. She started crying and apologizing. He forgave her. A couple of months later, she cheated again, and she tried to cry this time as well. He broke it off with her. That's why I have a hard time telling if when a WS cries, it's because of shame or because they got caught.

 

Have you experienced being cheated on first hand? Have you ever been in the shoes of a cheater? Hearing about your friend's experience is one thing, but going through it first hand is a whole other ballgame. I've said this before and I'll repeat it again. Not all cheaters are the same. Your friend's ex sounds like a serial cheater.

[janedoe67]

I had a friend whose WS cheated on him with 3 different men. She started crying and apologizing. He forgave her. A couple of months later, she cheated again, and she tried to cry this time as well. He broke it off with her. That's why I have a hard time telling if when a WS cries, it's because of shame or because they got caught.

 

This makes sense to me because crying is an expression of emotion and not necessarily a sign of change. I admit that when I encounter a WS (especially a WW) who does NOT seem to have any emotion about her cheating and is pragmatic, I personally had a hard time believing she feels ANY remorse, but that is my bias possibly.

 

Crying and being brokenhearted over cheating is a good start but the REAL test comes in the months and years after. I think the real test is how the FWS responds to the BS's pain or questions or continued fluctuations 6 month out. If they still get that it was THEIR cheating that brought it about and are willing to keep working that is more of an indicator.

[Steadfast]

...I have a hard time telling if when a WS cries, it's because of shame or because they got caught.

 

Time, and actions will tell. There is no other way to know the truth. Some are not interested in hanging around to find out, which is understandable.

[compulsivedancer]

This makes sense to me because crying is an expression of emotion and not necessarily a sign of change. I admit that when I encounter a WS (especially a WW) who does NOT seem to have any emotion about her cheating and is pragmatic, I personally had a hard time believing she feels ANY remorse, but that is my bias possibly.

 

Crying and being brokenhearted over cheating is a good start but the REAL test comes in the months and years after. I think the real test is how the FWS responds to the BS's pain or questions or continued fluctuations 6 month out. If they still get that it was THEIR cheating that brought it about and are willing to keep working that is more of an indicator.

I cried on DDay, but I wasn't really remorseful that day. I think Jane hit it on the head when she said that crying is an expression of emotion, not remorse.

 

I also think that in some cases, the WS truly feels remorse, or thinks she does. Then as the months go by, she fails to make the necessary changes and she allows herself to fall back into the same traps and resume her affair.

 

It's a struggle not to contact OM. I had a heck of a time. The thing that kept me on track was reminding myself why I was reconciling and that it was an absolute requirement of H's. If I contacted him, it was an all or nothing thing. Making contact one last time "for closure" would've meant throwing away everything with H.

 

For the women whose OM is contacting them, I imagine it would be easy to fall back into an A if she didn't have the right responses in place, and if she wasn't truly on the path to change.

 

I'm not saying that this makes it better. Just that they can be real tears of real pain, maybe even real remorse, but still not be a guarantee of faithfulness. (Don't base your hopes of R on the emotional evidence only!)

[violet1]

I'm not sure that my H and I are going to R yet. I do however know what I did was wrong and I feel horrible about it. If my H and I do D, I want it to be as amicable as possible. I don't want to cause anymore harm than I already have.

 

I wouldn't contact exMOM even if I wanted to. If I got caught once, I'd get caught again. The A is not worth destroying my poor BH. There's no way he could handle it again.

 

If anything, my goal is to become a person who can cope with things in a healthy manner. I'm a rug sweeper and not the best at dealing with issues head on. I also tend to use escapism when I have problems. I have always done that. I have a lot of work to do, but it's required if I want to be successful in any relationship.

[Spark1111]

Violet, at first my fWS was angry I had burst his affair bubble of happiness.

 

The first words out of his mouth was: PLEASE don't tell anyone....not, I love her, she is my soulmate, blah, blah, blah.....

 

I told the world. I was moving towards divorce. I gave him carte blanche to be with his AP. Agreed to divorce amicably, refused to pit the kids against him or her, changed the locks, and started moving on without him.

 

He was still angry. he thought ( or had convinced himself) I didn't love him, was only in it for the paycheck, and all the other lies he told himself to justify his affair. I cried and cried and cried. I loved him so much, I would have let him go. It was the lying to my face that just about killed me....he did not have to.

 

So, he bounced between trying to reconcile with me and landing softly with her. she was a D single mom and wanted him full-time, but did not want to be the reason he left me. she was waiting patiently in the wings....too patiently.

 

she should have been hurling plates at his head like I was...for all the lies and false promises he made...to BOTH of us. he would have respected that.

 

he became....suicidal, and I let him stay at our home for a weekend I was away to see a family member.

 

I could see his remorse, his shame, and he became transparent and willing to do whatever it took to win my trust and love back.

 

The reconciliation roller coaster began......IC, MC, NC, two steps forward and three steps back....

 

yes, once the fog lifted and HE established NC....we could begin the steps to see if I would give him the gift of rebuilding our marriage.