Moving Forward into What?

[MonetSA]

This is the first time I am participating in such a platform, so please excuse any strangeness on my part!

 

I am in a four years relationship, of which the last year has become long distance. My boyfriend was offered a very good job opportunity overseas which he took since he felt that there were very few options open to him in South Africa. As an engineer, he is highly sought after but despite this he still felt he wasn't going to find a job in his home country, so he made the decision to leave.

 

Recently he paid for me to visit him in Germany for two weeks. He carried the cost of the travels and has also supported me when my job wasn't paying enough back in SA.

 

The reason for my going was to determine whether I would like to live in Germany with him, although I have a guilty memory of pressuring him into this. Before I left for Germany we had agreed that I was going to move in July 2014.

 

Once there, he informed me that I could only contemplate moving at the end of 2014 if we were lucky. He had yet to find a place to live and was worried that his stiff schedule meant he was unable to emotionally support me when I arrived. I barely speak German, which also worried him.

 

I have now returned from a lovely holiday with the feeling that he cant promise when I am going to see him again, much less move to Germany. And yet he tells me he is going to Paris with a male friend - when he refuses to make promises to me on his holiday schedule.

 

Am I fooling myself in this relationship? He doesn't seem to be on the same page as me, and while I know he loves me, I get the feeling that one of us is moving forward while the other is not. This cant be healthy and I am not sure what to do. His procrastination comes across as a form of denial.

 

Any suggestions?

[justwhoiam]

Maybe he's not a home town boy anymore?

Maybe he's trying to get some time to himself. Without you.

[CA2TN4Love]

Ouch. Unfortunately, OP, you may be right. He's finding success in a new country and is enjoying new experiences. I can see where your apprehension and anxiety are coming from. You feel left behind. I'd feel hurt if my SO planned a trip to Paris without me during his holidays, especially when he's claiming to have such a stiff schedule that he's not planning future visits with me.

 

I'm very transparent with my SO, and I'd be sure to let him know how disappointed and frustrated I'd be if he did what your SO is doing. I'd want to go to Paris! It's the city of love! I'd insist upon accompanying him. If he denied me, I'd seriously reconsider the relationship and his commitment to it. It's not like you live close enough to see each other often enough to justify him spending his priceless time off jaunting around with his guy friend.

 

Tell him you're hurt and let him explain to you his thought process. Listen to his excuses and then decide if it's acceptable to you. Just remember, you can't change anyone else, you can only accept or move on. If he's not giving you what you need, decide if he's giving you enough to stay.