How much is too much??

[losingcontrol]

So my Wife has recently (actually about 6 months ago) came in contact again with an old school friend, one that she hasn't talked to since she moved out of the state when she was 12, , guess they were good friends. She's 32 now. Anyway she recently got back in contact with him on Facebook after about 20 years. I am not big on the having friends of the opposite sex, but more recently in the past year or so I have been trying to be trusting of my wife and allow her to have male friends as long as she keeps the relationship in check, , meaning no talking about our relationship or our problems as well as no sexual talk.

 

Anyway, this relationship is really starting to bother me and make me very Jealous, , and I have no one to talk to or validate my concerns or anyone I can really ask of their opinion which is why I am posting here, hoping to get some bearings on things. So when she first started talking to him on facebook (BTW their relationship only exists on facebook via message box, they don't talk on the phone) they were talking a ton, , like all throughout the day, , perhaps maybe a few hundred texts back and forth every day. At first I was pretty upset but then thought, they are old friends catching up, , probably pretty normal and in a few months things will die down and they'll only talk maybe a few times a week.

 

Well it's been about 6 months now and they still talk on facebook every day, , not as much as they had originally cause I have complained about the amount and frequency in which they were talking so it has died down some... but it still really bothers me, , So I guess my question is do I have a right to be upset, , or am I just over reacting and being jealous for no reason? I have brought it up a few times to her and it seems like things never change... at first I was upset cause she was telling him menial details about her day that she wasn't telling me, , then it was mostly just the amount and frequency in which she was talking to him... also other little things bothered me, like I'd notice when she'd get a message from him she would smile all happy like, , and it made me feel sad and Jealous, , wondering if she smiles like that ever when she gets texts from me?

 

Over the past week I checked her Facebook messages and noticed a few things that kind of upset me, , one is she made mention that there were problems with our relationship and she had a level of discontent, though she didn't specify and he didn't ask, , but I still feel like it was a small breach of the not talking about our relationship. The other thing I read were two seperate quasi sexual comments, , one about him not having pants on, , and another when my wife had a few drinks the other night he asked jokingly if she got anything on with her best friend who she was hanging out with at the time... these comments bothered me even though they weren't talking sexual to eachother, I feel like these kind of comments shouldn't be made....

 

Am I over Reacting?? Should I just back off and let her have her friendship with this guy and not interfere, , am I just making things worse? or is the fact that she is talking to him every day multiple times a day a legitimate thing... It seems from what I have seen (she lets me look at their conversations if I ask) that some days they only may talk a few times and other days they'll have around 100 messages back and forth...

 

Would very much appreciate some opinions on this. Thanks!!

Edited January 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Chi townD]

Normally, I wouldn't care. If they just connected on FB and just caught up. But, normally, those die down to nothing. In your case, 6 months on and 100 text messages to each other in one day?

 

Yeah, you have cause to be concerned. Plus, she broke one of your rules and that was talking about your relationship with others. Another red flag. My guess is, she's having an emotional affair on you.

 

You really need to sit down with her and talk this out. She had no problem with him not in her life for the past 20 years, this is affecting your marriage. So, if she values that, then she shouldn't have any problem putting him BACK in the past.

[lolablue17]

Well, if your wife had reconnected with an old school GIRLFRIEND, would you mind? even if you would mind, i'm sure you would'nt be so concern.

 

and it seems that is what your wife found. a good friend and probably she needed a friend such as this one. the fact that he is a male is very minor to her. so I think you shoud'nt be worry (for now). on the contrary, you can be happy that your wife has a friend that enriches her life.

 

But... (this is a major BUT)

 

a. your feelings are also important and if you are worried, it should be considered.

b. she \ you should be careful that this friendship does not transform to anything more than that.

 

I think you should talk to her heart to heart. tell her that you're glad that she found such a good friend, and you want her to be happy. but you are a little bit jealous because it seems he takes more room in her life then you. is she smiling when you text her? talk to her about it... maybe she carried away and from now on she will be ware of her behavior.

 

secondly - she must promise you that she is never going to meet him face to face, and if in the future it should happen maybe once, it has to be with your presence. he will meet you both as a couple, not her alone.

 

If she agrees with that, I think you have nothing to worry about.

[losingcontrol]

Thank you Chi and Jthompkins! I very much appreciate your reply's... It can be hard sometimes knowing what's what. One thing I wanted to say to you Jthompkins is that there hasn't been alot of sexual talk or problems about our relationship, , just the one time, , and it wasn't much, , no sexual comments to eachother, and she didn't specify about the problems that we were having just that we were having some and that she was unahappy about it, , not sure if that changes things much... Mostly my problem overall is the frequency and amount they have been talking more than anything else... I feel like it is taking away from our marriage, and I feel like my feelings are not being heard or considered... She definitely has toned down the amount of talking to the guy, but not to where I would be comfortable with... and it's hard too because when I bring up my concerns she tends to turn it around on me and say that I am trying to control who she can and can't be friends with and not being trusting of her... Not sure what to do from here... Thanks again for your input guys

Edited January 24, 2014 by losingcontrol

[losingcontrol]

Thanks Lola... the things is, is that I have mentioned all of those things to here, , including the smile thing... and she has toned down the amount of her conversations with him, , but it's still every day and there are days where they will talk a lot, , and I just don't feel she's taking me into consideration. Actually she just made a trip across the country a few weeks back and stopped and met up with alot of friends and family, and unfortunately he was one of the people she met up with and hung out with. I trust her I do, , But I worry that he is filling some emotional needs that I am not, , or cannot because she is allowing him to, , I don't know... I hate this...

[lolablue17]

Actually she just made a trip across the country a few weeks back and stopped and met up with alot of friends and family, and unfortunately he was one of the people she met up with and hung out with. I trust her I do, , But I worry that he is filling some emotional needs that I am not, , or cannot because she is allowing him to, , I don't know... I hate this...

 

NO NO NO!!

 

If this all friendship includes face to face meetings, it chanes it all.

statistically - it is a recipe for troubles.

 

Ask her if she wants to change your marriage routine to a routine which you can also have few girls you will be texting them ALL THE TIME EVERY DAY, an sometimes you will also hang out with those girls, maybe for lunch, or evening, or nights in a bar...

 

Is this the routine she would like you both to have as a couple. because THAT WHAT SHE ALREADY DID UNILATERALLY!

 

It doesnt matter she met him only once, because it is a matter of principle, and a matter of your mutual marriage agreement, and probably she will meet him from now on maybe once or twice a year???

 

Hanging out with another man without you around is changing your marriage agreement. Is that what she realy wants?

[harrybrown]

So your wife is having an emotional affair at least.

 

What happened when she met him? Did they get physical? Why did she visit him without you?

 

How would your wife feel if you had an affair?

 

Tell her she is still married and not using boundaries that married women use to stay in a marriage.

 

So does she want an open marriage? and did not tell you?

 

She should go NC with this "friend" and stop the affair. Why does she not send you all these texts? Would she be ok with you spending all that effort on another woman?

 

If she will not change, you do not have many choices. But you have to be willing to back them up. She does not respect you. Respect yourself.

 

Have her sign an agreement that if she can't stop contacting him that here are the divorce terms. She does not get alimony, discuss the property settlement and custody of the children.

 

Have you read no more mr. nice guy? Has she read not just friends?

Maybe she is more committed to him that to you and your marriage.

 

If I were you, I would be finding out. You will not get her back by being nice.

[drifter777]

Don't be a fool. Your wife's relationship with this guy is called an Emotional Affair that escalated to a Physical Affair when she had sex with him during her "trip across country".

 

If you have children then it's worth at least trying to reconcile your marriage so start seeing marriage counselor as soon as possible. If not I would file for divorce - today.

[losingcontrol]

I'm pretty sure she didn't have a physical affair or anything when she met up with him... she was driving across country and stopped and stayed with family and friends on the way (traveled through like 6 states) and he is one of the people that we agreed she could stop to see on her way through... We both just moved across the country and she left about a month after me that's why she was traveling alone. I am pretty educated on the whole emotional/physical affair as we have been through that in the past... I do believe that her relationship with him and crossed over the line of emotional affair but I think that mostly she is not aware of it herself and isn't being honest with herself. Also I am allowed to read her conversations, , there is nothing being hidden from me, so I know what is being said and what they talk about, , Like I said originally I'm not so worried about the content as much as how often she talks to him and how much. I think that I would be okay with her still having a friendship with the guy, , as in him remaining on her facebook and her still talking to him once or twice a week, , but this everyday stuff has to stop. Am I wrong to feel that way? Should I ask her to stop all together just on the basis of that she has a male friend on facebook that she talks to all the time? Thank you everybody who has responded thus far, , I do really appreciate it!

[losingcontrol]

So then what may I ask is a normal friendship between two people of the opposite sex? I know that it really boils down to ones opinions and preferences and arrangements, , but for the people posting on here, what do you feel is fair? The reason I ask is because alot of times women like to have friends of the opposite sex and I think that for the most part it is okay and is good to a degree, but that there has to be rules and the relationship has to remain platonic, , and of course can't be talking everyday, , I hear of some wifes having a male friend that is their best friend and talk to often, , just not sure where the line lies... Thanks again all.

[Keke1]

I'd be uncomfortable with this. I wouldn't be quite about it either

[Aquanut]

Read the book Not Just Friends. You are right to be concerned. She has crossed some important boundaries.

[BlametheIrish]

Thanks Lola... the things is, is that I have mentioned all of those things to here, , including the smile thing... and she has toned down the amount of her conversations with him, , but it's still every day and there are days where they will talk a lot, , and I just don't feel she's taking me into consideration. Actually she just made a trip across the country a few weeks back and stopped and met up with alot of friends and family, and unfortunately he was one of the people she met up with and hung out with. I trust her I do, , But I worry that he is filling some emotional needs that I am not, , or cannot because she is allowing him to, , I don't know... I hate this...

 

Sounds like there were troubles in your marriage already and shes getting attention elsewhere. How much quality timr do you spend together? How lovey dovey are you two+ How is your sex life?

 

When a women.seeks that much attention from anyone its because something is missing at home imo.

[losingcontrol]

Sounds like there were troubles in your marriage already and shes getting attention elsewhere. How much quality timr do you spend together? How lovey dovey are you two+ How is your sex life?

 

When a women.seeks that much attention from anyone its because something is missing at home imo.

 

I agree. I haven't been the best husband, , and she hasn't been the best wife either, , we have been through alot (she had an affair about 5 years ago and a couple emotional affairs afterwards, I was abusive verbally and mentally for the first 3/4 of our marriage (been married for 13 yrs), and also had a small problem with drug abuse (marijuana and Vicodin)) and are trying to work on things... Sometimes we both feel almost as if it would be better to just seperate and/or move on. We do spend a good amount of time together. I feel like I am pretty lovey dovey with her, , her not so much with me. Our sex life is great, , not just my words. I think we both have issues with codependency also, her more than me.

Edited January 24, 2014 by losingcontrol

[losingcontrol]

To the OP: I would talk to your wife about cutting this man out of her life and try to gauge her reaction. Will she get very upset over it? Or will it be no big deal? If she makes a big deal over it..it could be a sign of something more. If you have not been the best husband then you need to change your behavior, but do not forget that your wife definitely has to change hers as well, otherwise it would be pointless.

 

Thank you for the reply's, it means a lot to me... it can be difficult to gauge things from the inside.

 

Jthompkins. I've been thinking today. It's hard to put everything into words and context but i'll try my best. Me and my wife have been through this a few times before, aside from her physical affair there have been a few times afterwards I caught her in semi emotional affairs, , both times I caught her at that point I told her to break off all contact, , and she did and our relationship moved on.

 

I think that for whatever reason she is not getting the emotional support she needs from me so she is drawn to getting it elsewhere... now I don't know if there is a valid reason (I was thinking that maybe because of how much I have hurt her in the past that she is afraid to let me give her that emotional support, , afraid to get hurt again... not sure, just an idea) for her behavior or if it's just something that she has a problem with, , I don't know. What I am concerned with over all, and this is necessary is that she work on her self and work on our relationship and maybe put up better boundaries for herself.

 

Our relationship has been rocky for a number of years, and have even called it quits once. I have two young children with her between the ages of 9-13 and I sometimes feel like throwing the towel in on this marriage. But I feel that she is a good person and I do love her, , and frankly I have some dependency issues I am working through, , but I am afraid to be alone... been actually having some issues with anxiety over the past year...

 

Anyway, , getting waay off topic here... Ughh.. I guess there's a large part of me that just doesn't know what I want. Being more specific to your statement Jthompkins, I think I will tell her that I want her to end contact with the guy. I don't know if this sounds pussy, , but I feel a little bad, because I know that she is good friends with the guy, , and I think we were supposed to both be working on things, , me trusting her more and giving her more room, , and her watching herself and telling me of anything that's going on... Would it be wrong in your opinion for me to tell her that I want her to end the relationship, then say that she can remain friends with him but she needs to stop talking to him only a few times a week for awhile... i dunno, , I'm shaking my head right now, , cause I guess I just don't know what to do. She'll be home from work (I work from home) in about an hour, , so obviously we're going to talk about things, , the whole reason I posted on here in the first place is because we had a small blow up about it this afternoon via text message and me freaking out on her a little, , anyway, ,

 

Thanks again anyone who made it this far... and I do appreciate any and all comments!

Edited January 25, 2014 by losingcontrol

[losingcontrol]

Anyone else care to weigh in?

[semicharmedlife]

IMHO it sounds like your wife is very emotionally attached to this man...it does not really matter if it is sexual or not...but it very likely could be...

The bottom line is that the only reason she is spending so much time talking to him...is because her needs are not being met by you...and Im not blaming you here...she may have put up barriers that would prevent you from getting to her anyway...

A woman that loves her husband & is committed to the marriage does not behave like this...

[bubbaganoosh]

Friend. If your wife has had an affair before and multiple EA's then it's obvious that neither one of you have learned anything from it and if you didn't set any kind of boundaries after that, then your asking for trouble and I think your past the part where you close that barn door after the horse go out.

 

She's been talking with this guy for months now and has visited him and if you think that saying "no more talking to him" is going to stop her then your whistling past the grave yard.

 

This should have been stopped a long time ago and now I feel you just opened up another chapter in this mess.

 

You better sit her down and let her know that enough is enough and that you have gone through this once before and you have no intentions of doing it again and make sure she understands that there are no more chances, although IMO your a dollar short and a day late.

[Keke1]

She cheated before and have had EA???? You stayed? You do the same or something?? Text the other guy and ask him flat out how is our woman doing?

[mrstang69]

I know what you are going thru. My wife text a coworker everyday and deletes them so I won't see them I guess. She'll take her phone with her to the restroom to either Facebook or text someone. It drives you nuts because you don't know what's going on. They say nothing is going on but my ex wife did the same thing. My wife and I went out with some friends to a bar to hear a band. Well the coworker was there with his sister and husband. A couple of times she "went to the bathroom". I was standing near by am d saw him check his phone because he got a text. I saw her name on his phone. Dont know what they text but she got back and acted like nothing. Did that twice that night. That was on a friday. Sunday, I got called into work. She ask where she could take our kids to go play and eat. She took them to nearby park. I text how she was doing and what she was doing. Everything okay. I get home from work and my daughter tells me he was at the park with them to talk. Wife never mentioned it. When I asked she said he wanted to talk because he is going thru divorce and wanted to talk. Just found it to convenient her waiting till I was at work to meet up. Then that Wednesday went to communion parent meeting. Found out she called him while I was gone. I love her very much but feel disrespected as well. Not sure if this is what an emotional affair is but not sure how to handle it either. Hope you get your answers here on this forum.

[lolablue17]

No one can realy know whats going on between you and your wife, but I can tell you on thing:

 

You ask for some validation to your feelings, and i'm saying that in a marriage life any feeling (even the odd minor one) counts.

 

Its not a matter of normality or rules. these are your feelings. you get jealous, you are bothered. you feel bad. and as your wife, if she loves you and care for you, she should listen to you.

it doesnt mean she must obey and give up everything. but if you see and feel she is making some sacrifices for you, going half way to you and care for you and your feelings, you will feel much better and i'm sure you can make a good arrangment that will make both of you satisfied, and happy.

[Bryanp]

It changes everything that she has cheated on you sexually in the past in addition to other emotional affairs as well. If the roles were reversed and you were doing this with another woman how would she feel? Her track record is very bad so why are you still with her?

[ctxinfl]

She's cheated on you physically in the past. She's cheated on you emotionally in the past. (And I don't consider there to be much of a difference between physical and emotional other than the obvious danger of introducing STDs.) She's doing it again. Your wife is a cheater. Cheaters don't change.

[Scott Thomas]

Knowing her history, I'd wager that this is an emotional affair, that might even get physical in a few weeks. If I were you, I'd put my foot down and demand that she adhere to the boundaries, if any, that you've agreed upon. If she didn't have an affair 5 years ago (or numerous EAs) then I wouldn't be annoyed but in this case, I would confront. Afterwards, keep tabs on her to make sure that their contact is toned down (without telling her). Why:

 

1. Old Friend

2. Cheated in the past

3. Numerous emotional affairs

 

4. Reconnect and chat daily on FB

5. Go for drinks

6. Start joking and flirting

 

7. Share some sexual innuendo

8. Emotional affair

 

8. Physical contact crosses boundaries

9. Full blown affair

 

See the emerging pattern?

Intervene immediately or let her fall into an affair. Your choice.

Under no conditions should she share her marriage details with another man. PERIOD.

Ask her how she would react if you had a female friend, shared intimate/private details, talked daily. I bet she wouldn't be really jolly about this scenario.

Start MC/working on your marriage.

If you don't believe me that get some input from the people in the infidelity section.

 

 

Mr. Strang69,

 

1. Texts and hides her messages.

2. Secretly leaves you to text/talk with the OM.

3. Denies that anything happened.

4. Comes up with an excuse to take the kids to meet the OM.

 

This smacks of at least an emotional affair. Hopefully it isn't physical, though it might turn into one if left on its own. Classic affair behaviour. Don't believe me? Check the infidelity section for signs and advice. Do not confront her at this stage because she might deny and delete any evidence.

 

What're you waiting for-to find him in a bed with her or her asking for a divorce?

Hire a PI, monitor her messages using snooping apps and go 'jason bourne' on her.

[acrosstheuniverse]

So then what may I ask is a normal friendship between two people of the opposite sex? I know that it really boils down to ones opinions and preferences and arrangements, , but for the people posting on here, what do you feel is fair?

 

Hmm I'll weigh in on this. Firstly, your wife is having an emotional affair. That frequency of conversation is not normal, and she has a proven track record of infidelity. So it's time to decide whether or not you want to be with a woman that can be unfaithful repeatedly.

 

What's normal? Talking all day every day always has an emotional 'attraction' component to it, for sure. With my male friends we might catch up anywhere from two/three times a week to once a month. The conversations to catch up don't last all day for many days in a row, they will usually last an hour or two, or maybe if we're both on the internet all evening, sparse messaging throughout the night.

 

When we meet up, my boyfriend if I have one, is always welcome. I am stoked to introduce them to one another, it is all above board. I do sometimes talk about my relationship with friends of both gender but if my partner made it clear he wanted it kept between us, I would have to respect that. No sexual talk. Once I'm in a relationship I don't talk dirty to another male about my sex life. We all know that kind of discussion is pretty much always erotic to at least one party.

 

I do stuff that others might think crosses the line, for example when I go visit my best male friend (of eleven years... his family are more family to me than my own, we once kissed for ten seconds while super drunk aged 15 but nothing remotely sexual or romantic has happened in the following decade) I stay in his house. I would not share a bed but I know I have the capacity to stay up late, drinking, listening to music and jamming together, before going to bed separately without anything sexual happening. On Valentine's Day I'm heading to a different city with some male friends to watch a gig and then crashing at one of their houses (which he shares with his mother). It was actually all booked while I was single but I just got into a new relationship.

 

What else is okay... coffee alone with a guy friend, yes. Drinks in a bar alone with a guy friend, yes. Going out for dinner with a guy friend, yes. All fine. All with the boyfriend/girlfriend also invited. I guess I just know I'm trustworthy and I'd trust a boyfriend to be able to hang out alone with a girl in her room without jumping into her pants. But there really is not the intensity of throughout-daily communication with any of these friends, whenever I've had that kinda spark with someone I've fancied them or vice versa. Where you can't wait to learn all about each other and share things with them... things that really should be shared with your partner, if you have one. Lots of posters would disagree that the things I mention are okay in a relationship (staying over at opposite sex friends' houses alone) but really you just have to agree on your own boundaries and work to them. If you're both in agreement then those boundaries can be basically anything.

 

Anyway, she's cheating.