Did I do the right thing?

[stang15]

Ok heres the deal. I dated my ex for about 2 years. He broke up with me 4 months ago saying that he didnt know what he wanted. He said he still loves me and he knows that he wants to be with me, just not right now. I have been trying to be his friend hoping that he would come back. I had numerous talks with him and he still does not know what he wants.

 

A week ago some of our friends and us went to a club. I didnt care that he was dancing with others bc I was doing the same. Everything was fine until I saw him kissing another girl. So I left and he called me saying that he was sorry and the only reason he did it was to make me jealous and that I was the only girl that he loves.

 

So today I called him and said for him to not call me for a week and a half and that we would meet on saturday over dinner. I told him to think about everything and that the only reason I am doing this is bc I love him. He sounded kind of upset and shocked that I actually was telling him this bc its totally not like me. But he agreed and we hung up. I cried so hard and I am just so scared that he will not want me back. Any suggestions or input? Thank you so much.

[Merin]

IF he doesn't want you back.. then HE isn't worth "having"

 

Honestly... I do wonder why YOU want him back... when you Love someone you DON'T go out of your way to hurt them...

[stang15]

I know that most people would say ***k off and move on. But there is just something making me stay. I just have this feeling inside telling me that he's the one. Is that strange? Also is it normal for guys to back off for a bit while they figure out what they really want in life? Do you think hes reacting like this bc of how close and serious we got? And about the kissing thing, I should have been more honest, at a party we went to about 2 weeks ago, I made out with one of our friends. He doesnt know, and yes I already know that it was immature of me to do.

[mixwell]

so whats the deal ? he kisses someone and so did you.. Anyways If he wants his space then give it to him. All you're going to do is push him away. He might just want to make sure that this is what he wants.. And I believe that he will call back. You shouldn't have said that you didnt want to talk to him for an alloted time.. Just dont call him. Basically let him see what he is missing you know ? If he feels he is missing out then he will come back, but if he doesnt then he won't. Stang you cannot make people love you and want to be with you no matter what you do. They have to decided that on their own. I am finding this out in my current situation so I am just backing off and worrying about my life. Your situation isn't as bad as mine though.. So I would just wait for him to make the call to you..

[GirlDown]

shouldn't it be the other way around?

 

why would he be the one trying to make you feel jealous when he's the one who broke up with you? that makes no sense to me.

 

 

i think he's full of sh*it.

 

tell him you're not jealous, instead you're disgusted and tired of him purposely hurting you. then tell him to get lost.

[stang15]

I think I have done pretty good by giving him his space. I don't call him, I let him call me if he wants and if not then I dont get all upset and call and complain. If he wants to hang out then sure, but I dont do it all the time. And I know that you cant make people love you or come back. That is why I have been here for the past 4 months giving him his time. I guess he just needs more of it though. I didnt really know what to do. I tried the week before to not call him for a week. But that didnt really work bc after I watched a romance movie, I called him. So I think that since I made it clear to him that we needed a week to think, that it makes me not want to screw up or make things worse by calling him.

 

And both of us know that both of us did things that caused him to break it off, but I have learned so much during this time and he can see it too. I can see that certain things are different about him too. We both respect eachother more (except for the kissing part), we talk things out instead of not talk about things. So many things are better. When its just me and him hanging out, I can see it in his eyes that he loves me and wants to be with me. Its just that he's confused. I guess I just dont understand how he is confused about the best thing that has ever happened to him. I just pray that he will want to be with me in the end. Why do men have to be soooo difficult?

[SilentPrayer]

I think that you are doing just OK....a bitt of doubt....a bitt of the unknown.,...and a bit of exspectation always is the formula for fear.

Its going to be ok, If the boy was that crushed at you saying that he is probably as tormented as you are this very moment.

I spent a week apart once and it was soo hard. There were times where I realized that I couldnt do it without him, that he was the reason of my sanity, my being.

I soon snapped out of that, dont worry. I just think you should wait the week ou,....show him how strong and what a BRAVE women you are to do that. He willl either be happy when he sees you for the date...or he will be aquard...either way...youve got the upper hand..

 

 

Remember to give the lad a chance though...

 

con~

[stang15]

Thank you SilentPrayer. I really appreciate all that you said. I guess I just needed someone to cheer me on instead of think that I'm ridiculus for wanting him back. I will try my hardest knowing that we both need this and that I'm doing it because I love US. Thank you, now only if waiting for the end of this mess could be easier!

[SilentPrayer]

No probleme at all.

First of all everyone even the strongest go back to the ex at least once. I doesnt matter how hard

you try to stay away. Its like an air conditioned mall on the hottest summer day in years. Its hard to

stay away from. All is fair in love and war? True or False. I choose true. What do you choose?

 

You are going to be totally fine I can tell. Make sure that you start repairing soon. ASAP soon, dont let another

day go by with you love in the pits. Even the greatest of lovers had to work things out. Most of all

agree to be patient and to at least do one thing a week...something special for the other.

Even if it leaving a love letter under his or her Pillow...leaving a chocolate trail to something special..anything...

 

I know that things like that..always kept my love kindling. ANd men are difficult cause thats all they know...since they were babys thats all they did...now..its too late to train em to be good..lol.

 

Here are a fiew of my POEMS....I hope some of it makes you think.

 

 

{____Unwanted____}

 

Tell me you love me. Tell me you need me.

Open yourself and show me you need this

Open your heart and show me how to do this.

Ive been lost in this storm is lies. Ive been lost and have died.

I couldnt believe that gold could come of ash. I

couldnt believe that it was you who loved me back.

I warned the gods if they fooled me once more.

That I would be ready and waiting for a war.

I said my hurtfull words with daggers,

sent them to the gods and they sent me back beggers.

Of men and women all wanting me,

I saw right through them and now this is me.

Standing here odd and unwanted.

Hopeing it is me..just me that you wanted.

 

 

+The Brave Lover+

 

 

No matter how many prayers that leave my lips.

It hardly matters cause its you I miss.

The odd looks and laughes and tempered talks.

The lovely smiles and the way you walk.

I can barely remember the last I felt love.

For all I know its gone and flew away like a dove.

I dare not look in my mirror,

I am afraid cause its me I fear.

All alone and without the one thing for me,

Ide never wish this apon any enemy.

No one deserves this pain and torture,

This cant be it, it cant be my fortune.

I walked to far and too strong,

to be ledd along.

I held fast too hard to you to be,

just someone that you cant see.

A chance is something only the brave take,

Why cant you try..are you fake.

Is this a hoax a lie or a game,

was it me who was played or another name.

I do not want to know all thats true,

let me fall back and sitt in my blues.

Lie to me just let it be,

dont tell me that it was not me.

My heart is to weak to take another hit,

Just let me go softly and just forget it.

 

 

{I see you now}

 

 

What a vulgur man you turned out to be.

Thought I didnt see it but I knew I would see.

Who you really were one day or two.

Your no saner then me or those other fiew.

I could see past those charming eyes.

Far beyond all those cute lies.

I figured I would just let you go.

Turned out to be hard what do ya know.

I walked away to slow to break free.

Now Im stuck to you just loook at me.

I died the day you left me alone.

Prayed that youde turn around and come home.

Yet no nock or turn of the key.

Now I learned to depend on only me.

There came a day when I got so cold.

I couldnt even laugh if I was told.

Frozen like the cube in my druken cup.

I knew this stubborn heart would not give up.

So much for learning my lessson.

It must have been your first impression.

Give this sad little girl one for chance.

If not please let me out of this trance.

 

Please reply soon...

[stang15]

WOW! Those poems were amazing! I wish I could write like that, but my poems end up like, roses are red....lol! I really think that if me and my ex were to get back together that we should really do something special each week like you said. That sounds like a really good idea that would help us feel important to eachother. Any other good ideas??

 

Make sure that you start repairing soon. ASAP soon, dont let another

day go by with you love in the pits. Even the greatest of lovers had to work things out.

 

how do you suggest that I repair? In what ways? And how do I get my love out of the pits? I dont even know where to begin. I cant even believe that I have survived this long. Go me! I hope he's happy. Hopefully this will make me a much stronger person in or out of a relationship with him. (hopefully with him!)

[getouttatown]

The fact that going 1 week without talking is a huge deal to you tells me that over the past four months neither of you has gotten any space. I think in order to really sort out your feelings in a situation like that you need to see what it's like without that person in your life. I would back off. He doesn't seem ready. I know many guys who meet the girl of their dreams and then freak out when they realize it may be the real thing. Sounds like that is what has happened.

[stang15]

So what do I do? I mean I dont call him, and when we do talk its because he calls me. Do you not think this week will help anything? And do those guys that you know go back to the girls? Is it just a little stage so that they can figure things out for themselves or is it permanent?

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

I know that most people would say ***k off and move on. But there is just something making me stay. I just have this feeling inside telling me that he's the one. Is that strange? Also is it normal for guys to back off for a bit while they figure out what they really want in life?

 

don't know for sure but if i loved a girl this is the last thing i would do on her! i'm not manipulative or play games though it must make a difference? do people really in love do this kind of thing?

 

depends on your definition of love doesn't it!

 

Also is it normal for guys to back off for a bit while they figure out what they really want in life?

 

yes i suppose it can be as can be the same for a woman!

 

give it time and try and not expect anything ( if you can! )

[stang15]

give it time and try and not expect anything ( if you can! )

 

thanks for the advice. I know I need to think about other things, which I do, but my mind always goes back to him. And I am really scared about meeting him after this week of not talking. I dont want him to crush my heart even more, but I also dont want to be hopeful because then I will only get my heart broken again. I just have no idea of what his thoughts will be. IM SO SCARED!!!

[stang15]

Well its been almost a week since we havent talked I still am sad and now all I can do is wonder what he might say to me on Saturday when we talk. i am so scared. I wonder if he misses me and wants to call but resists...I kind of just wish that he would text message me or email me saying that he misses me. And advice on what exactly to mention to him on Saturday? I know I still have to appear strong to him, but I want him to know that I still want him, but only if he wants me too. Ugghh! Stupid boys!

[Oriental]

hey please keep us posted!

 

just remember whatever happens is not the end of the world or your relationship with him.

 

look forward to your next message!~

[stang15]

I just dont get it. How could we have gone such a long time with eachother, both of us knowing that it was the best we have ever had and now he doesnt know what he wants? i dont understand...is there anything i should say when i go see him on sat? should i just talk about the future or could i bring up some cute stuff from our past? or would that be a bad idea? oh i just wish he would want to be with me NOW!!!!!! Im so tired of waiting. but i cant seem to let go.

[Oriental]

same thing happened to me and im still not 100% clear about why he wanted to leave something so great behind.

 

my advice is that if you think you love him enough to risk not getting what you want in the end then you hang in there. be patient and try to think from other perspectives. it all sounds like b/s advice now but in time you will be able to focus more on yourself and look at things more objectively. as soon as you make him feel that you are strong and objective enough to talk to and you dont give pressure, he will be willing to reveal his feelings and you will probably be able to see things that you never knew before.

 

dont think bringing cute stuff from past is a good idea. im sure he knows what he is throwing away. if you can, just stay calm and reasonable, and try to listen to him. you can talk about future but dont make him decide anything on the day unless he brings it up.

 

good luck!

[stang15]

OMG!!!! Today is the day of our meeting. Im so scared and nervous! I dont know what to wear, and I forgot all of the things that I planned on saying to him. Any last minute tips or advice? We are meeting at 7 to have dinner so I have all day to worry... Any advice on what to say to him? what kind of questions i should ask? oh man i can believe that im nervous to see my baby. we talked yesterday and it was wonderful. we just talked about school and other small things. oh man i thought today would never come! help!!!!!!

[stang15]

Well dinner is over and I still dont have what i want. he told me everything that he had told me in the past. he said that right now he just wants to concentrate on school, friends and having fun. he still says that hes not looking for anybody to be in his life and that when he is out of this stage that he would want me back. he said that he still wants to get married and have kids with me and i asked him, why should he be lucky enough to have me back after all of this. he didnt reply. all through dinner i had tears, i couldnt hold them in. i dont know what to do. he says he still loves me and that 1/2 of him wants to be with me and 1/2 doesnt bc of the stage in his life. what am i supposed to do now? i gave him some time to think and nothing good came of it. when i was with him tonight, it felt sooo natural and i felt complete (even though im not technically with him). oh gosh, i just dont know what to do.

[SilentPrayer]

Hey there gurl,

 

Im sorry you had to go through that. Natually men are complicated because well, its in there genetic code. We as women "are naturally" the same but with totally different "Ways of handling it". You did the right thing you gave him time, and you respected his decision. He is altimatley makeing a very big big mistake which we both know. I suggest that YOU stop loseing sleep over this. It is not the type of thing you should be worried about. You are young and so is he. LIve your life and stop waiting around for a boy to make decisions.

 

Why is it that he has to be the one to say its a relationship and its NOT one. It seems to me hes got the reins in his hands. I suggest you snatch them out of his and start learning how to stear your owne destiny.

 

I dont want to preach~ Ive recently stopped doing what you are doing and started LOOOKIng out for #1. ME:)

 

Please please please, when YOU are alone, when you need a hug, and all that lovely stuff. Think of what I am saying, take it as encouragement. Give him PLENTY of air~ LOTS OF AIR...walk away, and tell him that you heard what he had to say and it made perfect sence but you also need to focus on other things.

 

That you gave all you could to him and now you realize that you come first before any man. Before love, and before sacrafice. Its a strong strong person who can lay there life down for another. He aint that strong~ you are:)

 

So pat yourself on the back honey~ You deserve an applaws from "love shack". Call him and tell him that, immediatley make an excuse to get off the phone.."make him sweat". Then, see how long it takes for him to crack..maybe by then he will have come to some realization to what the F he wants...lol.

[stang15]

Hey, when you say to give him plenty of air, does that mean not hanging out with him, talking to him, emailing him? Should I just let him do the initiating? And if he does do those things, should I reply to him or ignore him every now and then?

 

 

Also, is it bad that i REFUSE to be done with him? I just have this feeling that we are supposed to be together. I dont want to be stupid and "in love", but I cant help those feelings. I know he loves me and cares about me, but I just dont know how to handle things from here on out. And any ideas of how long stages like the one he is in take? I know they vary from person to person, but just a general idea? Thanks guys!

[davecity]

hey,

 

i am in the exact same situation as you. My girlfriend and I broke up in early December after a wonderful relationship. At first she wanted to take a break, but i did not agree with taking a break. I have repeatedly tried to ask her if she had fallen out of love with me or simply was pursuing other guys but she was adament on the fact that she needs to see what else is out there and that she can't commit herself to anyone right now because she doesn't know what she wants out of life. She does know that she loves me, and oftentimes tells me that she wish she had met me later on in life.

 

In any case, I feel your pain because you are in a tight spot. You are holding onto the small string of hope that he will realize his mistake and come back to you and everything will be merry however, keeping these thoughts will only prolong your recovery time. Start NC and do not contact him. Its a guarantee that he will eventually call you, whether that be in a month or a year but you cannot hang on to hope. Apparently you and this guy are on different pages with relationships in general and as hard is it is to think, love is not always enough. Circumstances can often prevent love from blossoming or continuing.

 

I'm an avid songwrite and here are some lyrics that might express how you feel.

 

Dark outside, no light inside

Cannot begin to comprehend

You had and lost

Your thoughts so bright

Reword your mind, pursue your life

 

And over and over and back on over and over,

You’re going to make yourself confused.

 

So go on your way,

This journey that you must take,

I will not follow you,

But I don’t know if I can wait.

 

We tried we failed, to embrace the past,

Words not said, better to refrain,

The stomach refuses, to swallow it whole

Ignore the feeling, listen to your head

 

And over and over and back on over and over,

You’re going to make yourself confused.

 

So go on your way,

This journey that you must take,

I will not follow you,

But I don’t know if I can wait.

 

Close the door begin your search,

And when you find you’ve circled round,

Don’t know if it will budge

 

Perhaps I know perhaps I’m wrong,

You think you know, you think I’m wrong,

We both assume to see

 

Maybe forgot but won’t forget

The combination of regret

That ties us in a knot.

 

So go on your way.

 

 

good luck and hang in there.

 

 

david

[stang15]

davecity, those were awesome lyrics. I could relate to them.

 

I started to do NC today and to my surprise he didnt call me all day long. I couldnt take it any longer bc I just want my best friend back. I miss hearing about his day and just talking about nothing. Well when we talked it was great. He ended up being busy all day long with school, work and studying at the library. After that I talked to one of my friends and she said that it seems to her that he is emotionally exhausted from all of what happened in our relationship and from the break up. I guess you could call me a bit controlling, but I call it wanting to spend time with him way too much. And I guess to top it all off was Saturday night and the emotional meeting between the two of us.

 

What am I supposed to do? I seriously miss him, of course all of the bf/gf stuff, but i think most of all, his friendship. i hardly get to talk to him bc hes always busy with school and work. and when he is free, hes out with his new school friends. should i just wait it out and see if time will tell? is there anything specific I could do that might help out the situation?

[davecity]

stang15,

 

as much as you love this guy, get back together with him, talk to him on the phone, etc...you need to do exactly the opposite. After my ex-gf and I broke up i spent the next two weeks sulking and feeling miserable and in the worst of times, I would end up calling her and we would talk about the same thing over and over again. Like all of the other advice, you need to start NC right now. Take him off your IM list, delete him from your phone (you probably have his number memorized but it prevents you from seeing his number when you scroll through) and stop calling him or attempting to see him. You are at a time where you feel absolutely miserable so you need to do things that distract you from him and the idea of him. In time (whether that be one week, two months or several months) he surely will end up calling you to see how you are and 'check in'. If you guys truly had a strong love, then he'll make at least some sort of effort to get in contact and when he sees that you have moved on, he will be curious and probably doubt his decision. In any case, when he calls, you cannot give in to him and open up all your emotions. You cannot give him the satisfaction of knowing that you still are 'waiting' for him. Instead go out, meet other guys, and see what else is out there. There is no time to be wasted. Talk to him cordially but after a brief time (like when you have talked about all the small things) tell him it was good speaking to him and end the conversation. That will leave him in wondering what you are doing and perhaps, if it is true love, then he will pursue you like the beginning of any relationship.

 

hope that helps,

 

keep busy,

 

david