Simone_Swede Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I have been reading this site for a while now and I have noticed there are quite a few ‘other men/women’ and ‘betrayed spouses’ here. I am a betrayed spouse myself and split from my husband a year ago after catching him cheating. I am dealing with the fallout as best as I can but still have so many unanswered questions about why. I do realize these questions may never be answered but I just wanted to throw them to the people here to see what comes from it. A very quick background is that after a holiday fling I eventually moved countries to be with him. We married and were married 15 years. We have 4 kids together. We were just your average happy couple. I came home one day after feeling sick at work and caught him on the sofa with some young bimbo who lives in our group of units sitting on his lap having sex. As if that wasn’t bad enough even though they were shocked they didn’t stop! He kept saying sorry sorry, it means nothing, it was a mistake BUT he didn’t push her off or anything!!! And she just smiled like some stupid slut. After dragging her off and kicking her out of my house it got even worse, I found lines of cocaine. Now I am not an angel, I probably drink too much and I see no issue with smoking pot and I like to party like anyone else but using hard drugs and cheating on your partner with someone 22 years younger is where I draw the line. I had no idea he was using harder drugs. After some long talks what I did get from him is that it was just “experimentation” with the drugs and the sex just sort of “came with the territory”. There was no real remorse and he wouldn’t even commit to stopping and trying to fix things. Needless to say that was the moment he was kicked from my house. Here I am now a year later and he is still casually using cocaine, he has multiple partners and his life is a mess. I have tried to move on but I can’t help still caring for him. I hate myself for doing it but I guess all I can say is that it’s an involuntary response. I even came very close to sleeping with him again but luckily came to my senses just in time. That's an issue I am working on but as hurt as I was by him it's hard to just stop loving someone you have cared about for so long. What I have never had answered is why he did this. And I guess why she did it as well. I am not saying that I would have participated in a threesome or became a swinger for him because that lifestyle does not interest me but I really would have liked to have been able to discuss options before he chose to cheat. Why do spouses choose the option of cheating when there may be other options when they can still get what they want? And as for her, why would you have sex with a neighbors (I'd even say friends, although not close) husband, and then even worse once caught just keep on going?!?!? What goes through someones head to do that? Anyway thanks for letting me rant. Even though this is the first time I have chosen to post reading other peoples posts since I found this site has been a great eye opener at times. Link to post Share on other sites
Anne Boleyn Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Honestly, it sounds like he is going through some sort of midlife crisis. He is in a "me" phase and he only cared about the instant gratification. That's not the truth of all affairs, but it sounds like it's the truth of this one. No other reason beyond he wanted it and somebody offered it. And please... Get tested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simone_Swede Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 And please... Get tested. It has been a year now and I did get tested and thankfully all was clear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Anne Boleyn Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 It has been a year now and I did get tested and thankfully all was clear. Very good! Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 I cannot imagine coming home to that.... I am so sorry that happened to you. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Sorry, your experience is horrible. I do not know the total answer to why they cheat, but one part of it is selfishness. I do not pretend to even know why all of the reasons for cheating. Ask my wife why she cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 (edited) I second Anne. But I've always thought, no matter what the underlying reason is, spouses cheat because they think they can (or won't get caught) and/or if they do get caught, it won't matter. Period. And not to stir the pot, but if he's still nuturing a coke indulgence, and you know this, can you prove it? It sounds like you have two kids under 15 years old... Do they overnight or spend weekends with him? This would concern me... Edited January 27, 2014 by EverySunset Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simone_Swede Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Sorry, your experience is horrible. I do not know the total answer to why they cheat, but one part of it is selfishness. I do not pretend to even know why all of the reasons for cheating. Ask my wife why she cheated. I don't know why but I have found myself dwelling on the why question, and funnily enough more from her point of view than his. You have an attractive young girl and an overweight older man, it makes no sense that they would end up anywhere near each other. But then once I caught them for her to stay there on his lap jiggling around while he is apologizing to me telling me how worthless she is and how she means nothing and she's just a slut and so on. How does she still stay there with his manhood inside her? Surely she would be offended by that. I know I should let it go but as a human nature experiment it has me intrigued. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simone_Swede Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Do they overnight or spend weekends with him? This would concern me... He has no unsupervised access to the kids at all. And to his credit he is up to date with all his payments which were actually negotiated by us and are above what the court was set to order. While I can't be certain I believe his drug use is only a weekend thing but by all reports (from his brother) his life consists of work, sex and drugs in that order. Link to post Share on other sites
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