Thank you - from a regretful wife

[Cis]

Last Sunday night, after many months of soul searching I finally told my husband about my affair. I had been going back and forth on this issue for at least six months. My therapist along with a dear friend of mine who had been caught in an affair counseled me against telling my husband.

 

I hadn’t planned on telling him, but it just tumbled out. Perhaps the catalyst was that we had spent the entire weekend in a “pathway to intimacy” marriage workshop. When I told him, I was crying so hard that my poor husband couldn’t even quite understand what I was saying. While we cried, we held each other in bed that entire night.

 

After work on Monday we talked for the first time about everything. I told him that it had been over since May, that the other man lived 3,000 miles away, that I hadn’t had contact with him for many weeks and that the affair was a mistake and that it was completely and totally over. I told him that I would answer any question he had, and that I would abide by his wishes and do what ever he wanted.

 

Of course this has been very painful for him. He hasn’t eaten for three days, and he cycles through every range of emotion. I feel terrible and guilty. I know I’m a screw up and I totally regret everything that happened. The silver lining is that now we have a chance to figure out how we can be better friends, lovers and companions to each other – and if we can’t mutually come to a place where we are satisfied with our marital relationship – then together we can plan and work towards going our separate ways.

 

And so I’m just posting to say thank you for encouraging me to tell the truth. To give me and my husband a fighting chance to find happiness either together or apart. I never thought I would get such insight and sage advice from a forum with a name as corny as Love Shack – but I did and I am so very grateful.

[Pocky]

I'm proud of you. I wish you the best.

[Owl]

Great job CIS!!!

 

I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you. But you really have done the right thing. At least now, the truth is out there. From what I've heard from others who have been in your shoes, I'd imagine you've got to feel horribly right now, but at the same time as though a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

 

I heartily suggest you and your husband get started on marriage counseling ASAP. Make sure it's someone who can understand the emotions and pain involved in a marriage troubled by an affair like this.

 

Since you've been here a while, I'm sure you're aware that your husband is going to be going through the "rollercoaster" for the next couple of months at least. Do your best to be patient and understanding of it...remember you've had weeks/months of knowing what was wrong in your marriage...his whole world came apart in one moment. SHOW him how much you love him...show him how much you regret what's happened, and how hard you're willing to work to fix your marriage with him.

 

Good luck. It's not easy...I know. It's been 8 months since I learned about my wife's emotional affair...but it does get easier with time...and love...and patience...and WORK.

[only1life]

CIS - Congrats on coming clean. I'm a hurt husband, 4 months ago I found out, and looking back, I have to say, what you did by spilling the truth, although hard, was probably the wisest thing you could have done, both for your relationship, and for your own peace of mind!

 

But now you guys are going to go thru some real tough times. Both of you. But if the life you both had before this whole thing began was good enough to try and get somewhat back to, this will be worth it. Be prepared for some real ups and downs, flashbacks, bad dreams, sleepless nights and some emotions you might have never known you and your husband could have. And no, it'll never be the same, but through forgiveness and learning from our mistakes, life can be good again.

 

Two suggestions that helped me: first, COMMUNICATE! Spare no details, just talk and get comfortable talking about everything. He's going to have all kinds of questions and if it's going to work out, you two are going to get to know each other like never before. Secondly, while counciling is good, it can be expensive, and sometimes the days between appointments can be long, so I suggest a paperback book titled "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. It's cheap, easy to read, and tells it like is, at least it did for us, and it put the whole thing in perspective for me, and helped us make our decision to repair and rebuild our relationship.

 

Good luck. I hope in 4 months you can feel as good about this as I do. It has been a real tough time, but it is certainly worth it!

[Joyce]

Cis,

 

I am so glad you decided to be honest. It's a good feeling and a huge weight off the shoulders. It is possible to have a happy marriage again but it is a lot of work. I struggled for many months and so did my H. I struggled with hating myself for what I did and hating myself for falling for someone that treated me like a worthless piece of shi*t. The best advice I have to offer is to make sure your H knows how terrible you feel about what you've done and make sure he knows how much you love him. All the hard work I've done and soul searching has definitely paid off. I promise that if you put in the effort and do your own soul searching it will work.

[Cis]

Thanks for the support....

 

It feels hard to feel anything but utter sadness. My husband is beside himself with grief. It's hard to explain what happened. He isn't sure he will ever be able to trust me again. He asked this morning for a separation. He is cycling through his feelings very rapidly - it's hard to know what to do. I just know that I don't want to hurt him any more - and that I have to do what ever he wants.

 

I hope some day he will be able to forgive me...and I hope someday I will be able to forgive myself. Right now it looks pretty bleak. I feel like such a screw - up - how could I do this?

 

Cis

[Owl]

CIS- It does get easier. I can't say that your feelings of sadness and guilt go completely away...my wife and I aren't that far down the path yet ourselves. We talked about how she feels about the whole affair yesterday...she said that the guilt for what happened is still huge and hard to deal with sometimes. I can imagine...and I know that I'm still on that "rollercoaster" of emotions too...the hills and dips aren't as extreme, and they're spread further out now than they were, but it still happens.

 

Hang in there friend. If there was truly love and good times in your marriage, then you both can work through this...understand that it will likely take months/years. But, if the love is still there, it can be done.

[TMCM]

Cis,

 

As painful as it was for you to make the decision to tell your H the truth about your affair, you made the right call. First, no one should be married to a stranger and when you had your affair and covered it up, you became a stranger to your H. And second, when you had your affair you were judging whether or not to continue being married to him [even though that may not have been your initial intention] and you came to the conclusion that you wanted your H more than you did the OM. Your H also deserves to judge whether or not he wants to remain married to you. Hopefullly he will not make any rash decision that is born out of resentment and bitterness, and instead choose to see the goodness in you far outweighs the badness [which is most probably the case].

 

What can you do to help him? Do not argue, beg, or justify anything he might throw back at you even if it's not true [if you feel the need to vent come here instead]. And be accountable to him at all times not as a sign of submission but as a sign of love and caring. These actions will make you a beneficiary as well because you will be rebuilding the trust that was destroyed by your affair and isn't that one of the things that you want the most from him?

 

Good luck and God bless.

 

TMCM

[Cis]

Did I tell you all that I feel like I've murdered my husband? I've never inflicted such pain on a person. I feel like a screw up. His pain is overwhelming him and it scares me - it's hard to keep living.

 

The discoveries though are amazing. Him more than me - and I feel guilty about that. It may just be the timing. I've been processing all of this for months and months.

 

His anger is hard to take. But I just take it - I don't defend myself or try to explain. I just listen. Sometimes he demands an answer and it just makes him more upset.

 

We're almost two weeks in.... god help us get through this.

[TMCM]

Cis,

 

Right now your H is having an internal struggle between two opposing forces, his Giver and his Taker. His Giver is the side that looks out for everybody else's best interests and is willing to sacrifice him no matter what the price. And his Taker which is the side that looks out for his best interests and is willing to sacrifice everybody else no matter what the price. His Giver is telling him to give you another chance while his Taker is screaming at him to cut his losses and divorce you. What can you do? Well one way to call a truce between these two opposing sides is to convey to your H to please not make any decisions for or against the marriage until some months have gone by and the two of you are of clearer mind to be able to look at the situation in a more dispassionate way and choose whether or not the marriage is worthy to be rebuilt. In the meantime do seek counseling even if your H doesn't want to go, for this action will show him that you are serious in addressing your side of the marriage and correcting the issues on your side that made you decide to have an affair. Recovery, wether personal or marital, is a one day at a time process that cannot and should not be rushed.

 

TMCM

[Joyce]

Cis,

 

Your H has every right to be angry and honestly there is nothing you could say to defend your actions. I know you havn't tried and please don't. My H was very angry for a long time and he had every right to feel that way. I know you feel terrible about your actions and you will always feel bad about what you've done. The most important thing to do right now is show your H how much you truly love him and make sure he knows how terrible you feel. It does get better I promise but it takes a lot of time and a lot of effort. It took me three months until I didn't go to sleep crying and until I could even look at myself in the mirror without complete disgust. I honestly don't know how I functioned or made it through this huge mistake I made. I am at the point now where I like who I am again but that was not until I hit rock bottom. You really need to take this time to analyze yourself and change what you don't like. Support your H any way you can. Make sure he knows where you are and who you are with. Don't make him ask.

 

I promise that one day you will look back and be so grateful that you decided to become an honest person again. Life can be whatever you want it to be but not without effort!! People make mistakes... the most important thing to do is to learn from them.

[Cis]

Every moment of every day is like torture. My husband remains in terrible pain. Thank you only1life for the book recommendation. I picked it up on Saturday and he is about 1/2 way through.

 

I stop myself from arguing with him - but I do get frustrated when he says things that seem unfair or are untrue. I hope things will begin to calm down. We have another 2 hour therapy session this Wednesday.

 

I've been completely honest and open - I've answered truthfully every question. I gave him over 200 pages of emails that document the ramping up of the affair. Now he wants more - god it just kills him and I'm having trouble seeing the value in giving him more explicit information.

 

I'm completely accountable to him - but I'm thinking that I have to continue living my life - or should I cancel all other plans and just plan on being with him?

 

This is so hard. It seems impossible. Thanks again for your insights and support....

 

Cis

[Owl]

Two weeks isn't that long in the scheme of things...esp when you consider the magnitgude of the betrayel and pain your husband experienced.

 

You sound like you're doing the right thing...and I want to add something...don't feel like you're a bad person for wanting to lash back at him when he's striking out at you. It's natural, and darned hard to curb that response. Doing so doesn't feel natural...and then when you get angry at yourself when you see the pain you've caused him, it makes it twice as tough. IT WILL GET EASIER....TRUST THAT

 

Please try to understand, your husband is cycling through emotions faster than his brain can keep up with. One moment he's hurt to the core by what you've done...disgusted with thoughts of what happened, so angry at you and the OM for the betrayel that he can barely contain himself....and the next he's recognizing that you were honest with him in the end...that YOU want to work it out with him...that you still love and are in love with him...and then the next moment he's feeling something else again.

 

It HURTS...it is the single most painful thing that one person can do to another. BUT...once he's had the chance to work through a lot of it, and you've stayed by his side the whole way...the rollercoaster does even out some...and things do get better.

 

Remember...you DID cause this to happen. You DO have to accept the responsibility (and yes, the blame) for it....there is no two ways about it. BUT...you also came out in the open on your own, and you're trying to fix things as best you can now...that says a LOT about the kind of person you are. Keep that in mind friend...your husband will see it again in time too.

[Rick5478]

Cis - When you cheated on your husband was the sex enjoyable? The reason I ask is because when my girlfriend cheated on me she said because she wasn't emotionally invested in the man she couldn't physically let herself go. That made me feel somewhat better.

[Cis]

I WISH I hadn't been emotionally invested. It was really more emotional than sexual...and that is what is making this all the more difficult. My husband has a very good handle on the depth of intimacy we shared - since he asked for and has received the emails.

 

Now my husband wants to write my "friend" a letter (or send it to his wife!). I'm very much against this.... my "friend" is emotionally/mentally unbalanced and I'm afraid of his retribution...oh god how can I convince my husband that this is NOT in our best interest??

[Owl]

Why does he want to send him a letter? What does he want to say or ask of him?

[Rick5478]

I've never cheated so I can't totally relate. But I always wondered why people who aren't getting what they want emotionally always act out sexually. I can't help but think that it is more about sex than lack of attention. I always hear women say that their husband wasn't paying attention to them so they have sex with somebody else. But what does sex have to do with attention I'm not judging I'm being honest. I don't get it. How long were you cheating before you decided to tell your husband? If it was a one-time thing it would be more forgiveable. But over and over again? Then when you get bored you decide to tell your husband? How many times do you have to cheat before the guilt kicks in? I can see why your husband would have so much trouble coping. It's interesting that you would say writing a letter to your "friend" isn't in the best interest of the relationship. Neither is having sex with another guy. Maybe try counseling.

[sylviaguardian]

I have to say here that I sent the OW a letter an e-mail and I don't regret it. After I found out the extent of their texting, e-mailing, i-ming, I just lost it and phoned her up and shouted. She was very slick, acted like she didn't have any idea what I was talking about and kept assuring me that it was just a work relationship. Well, like a fool I fell for it and I actually apologised.

 

It didn't take long though for my gut feeling to tell me that something wasn't right and two months later my H confessed to everything they'd done together. I was so angry. I thought about it long and hard and then sent her an e-mail asking her how she could live with herself. I wasn't abusive but I told her exactly what she had done to me, my life, my children. I don't regret sending it at all although I am pretty sure that it would have had very little impact on her.

 

I think if your husband wants to write a letter maybe he should. However, I would suggest that you write it together and make it clear that you don't want a reply. I have fantasised so many times over telling her husband but at the end of the day why do I have the right to destroy another person's life (the husband, I mean)? I want to stick to my own principles and not become like either of them. I wouldn't, however, forbid your husband too much. That's what my H does and it just sounds like he is sticking up for her.

 

Sylvia

[Cis]

My husband wants to "mess" with his head...get some revenge. My former friend is very paranoid and my husband thinks he could tweak him. I don't think it's a good idea. He's talking less about it.

 

My husband keeps asking me why I'm with him. He's not sure if I am with him because I love him or because my other relationship fell through. He doesn't understand or believe that my experience was merely a wild fantasy based on nostalgia, some old feelings, mid-life fears etc.

 

We are wondering if we shouldn't separate - so we can come back to each other (if we choose to). Perhaps that's the only way that we can prove to each other that we really want to be with each other. That I choose him, and he has forgiven me.

 

But it's only been 18 days and so I'd like to wait before we make that decision.

 

Thanks

Cis

[Owl]

I think that waiting on a decision IS a good idea at the moment, CIS. If you don't seem to be progressing within the next month or so, then consider doing a seperation.

 

Realize that your husband is not just doubting your motives at the moment...he's very likely doubting himself a lot too. He's wondering why you're with HIM now. Obviously (this is what the thought process looks like from inside) he wasn't good enough to keep you happy then...why should you be happy with you now? Why WOULD you choose to stay with someone that you KNOW won't make you happy?

 

Again...I'm not saying that any of that is true...but it's the emotions that a lot of betrayed spouses have...and I think ESPECIALLY the guys.

 

Realize that most of us betrayed spouses tend to have some serious flights of fantasy about doing all kinds of dire things to the OP. Look at how many times in the news you've seen where someone has carried out on them. When/if he starts to do something like that, just remind him that the OM is NOT worth the effort and time to do that too. Remind him that he needs to concentrate on the two of you...not the OM.

 

The healing is going to take a long time...what he's going through right now is one of the most painful things someone can face. I wouldn't have believed that myself, until I went through it. I've lost both parents, all my grandparents, and any number of other friends and relatives. I've been places and seen things and lived through things that you wouldn't believe...life has not been easy or simple. But what I've gone through with my wife's emotional affair was far more painful than any of that. The day my wife moved out of the house, getting ready to fly off to live with the OM, my boys saw something that they'd never imagined possible....their dad broke down like a shotgun.

 

I mention this because it's important for you to understand that you've got a large role to play here now. You need to help HIM recover from this too. He's going to act pretty stupid for a while...he's going to have so many thoughts and feelings flashing through his mind faster than he can keep up with for even a few more weeks yet. Eventually, things will slow down, the rollercoaster gets a little less rough. But, through all of this right now, keep showing him that you love him, that you chose him, and that you're with him no matter how rough it gets for him. Let him know constantly that you regret what happened...and that you'll work with him to never let it happen again.

 

Take care of yourself too. It's hard on you right now too...and will be for a while. Remember that you are both good people...that you're just having a rough time. Remember how much you both love each other, and you'll make it through this too.

 

Good luck!

[Cis]

Owl- thank you so much for your insight and support. I can't believe that I've hurt him so badly - it's the worst thing I've ever done...

 

Cis

[Owl]

I didn't mean to make you feel bad again CIS, just wanted to help you understand what he's going through.

 

Your comment above about hurting him...TELL him that. That's one thing that's lacking in my case...I know my wife regrets what happened...but she never says it. She's long since ready for this to be in the past, while I'm still dealing with it. It helps to hear her say that she's sorry, that she regrets it, that she's going to whatever she can to keep it from happening again.

 

I love my wife, and I do see our marriage surviving this...but she could help me heal so much faster if she could TALK to me about how we're both feeling. Sadly, she sees me hurting, gets caught up in her own pain and guilt for that, and often we don't/can't WORK through things and help me get over things. That, combined with her desire to just get this behind us sometimes seem to make it harder to get past things than I had thought it would be.

 

Sorry for the vent...but I thought perhaps it might be relevant to you as well.

[only1life]

Cis,

 

Having been in your husband's place, here's what I wanted to hear from my wife -

 

I want to hear her say that she is sorry for falling in love with the other guy.

 

I want to hear her say she regrets being close to him.

 

I want to hear her say that the sex wasn't so good, not nearly as good as it is with me (always helps to boost a male's ego!) And by the way, I'm built better, too, right?

 

I want her to say she is sorry for lieing to me about it, when I suspected it, and asked her to her face if there was another guy.

 

I want her to say she feels really bad about lieing to me and extending her "conference" trip to be with him longer when she knew that I was at home with the kids, missing her.

 

I want her to say it was all a big mistake on her part, and she'll never do it again.

 

I want her to say that now she realizes that it wasn't worth it and will never do it again.

 

I want her to say that she really feels rotten about treating me like scum, to her own benefit.

 

I want her to say that she now realizes that we have a great thing going, and it was a BIG mistake for her to risk it all for a longshot chance at another relationship.

 

I want her to say she got caught up in the excitement, and it was all a big mistake.

 

And I want her to say these things without any prompting from me, so that I know that she really means it.

 

I want her to answer all the stupid questions I have, because I'm forever looking for answers, in the hope that I can prevent it from happening again, if only I knew exactly why it happened the first time.

 

And I want her to believe me when I tell her that I forgive her, cause I do, as hard as it is. And I know that it was partially my fault - none of us is perfect, I'm sure that I had grown too confident, and had ignored some of her feelings, leading her to find them elsewhere.

 

And I want her to understand that I'm scared that it could happen again, and need reassurances and communication that it won't.

 

And I want her to understand my feelings when we're being intimate, and suddenly I get weird thoughts going thru my head that interrupt things, and please be patient with me, cause I'm trying to recover and relearn how to enjoy the great closeness that used to be ours exclusively.

 

And I want her to understand that I need to hear these things frequently, and just cause I need to hear them, that doesn't mean that I don't believe her.

 

And I want her to understand that it is going to take quite a long time for me to really feel strong trust between us, like we had before, and I don't want her to think that it is because I don't feel good about her.

 

And I want her to do what I'm now doing, thinking of this big event as a bad mistake that we will learn from, and will make our relationship better in the long run. It won't be forgotten, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let one bad mistake ruin our chance of future happiness. OK, I should say here that I love her, and I really believe her when she says she loves me.

 

I consider myself lucky, cause in the 4 months since she 'fessed up, she has said most of these things to me, and I'm thinking she really does feel this way. In response, we've realized that our marriage is worth working hard to preserve. Is it as good as it was before? In some ways yes and no, some things can't be repaired. But actually, I do feel closer to her than I have felt in years.

 

Hope this may be of some use to you and yours. Good luck.

[Cis]

Thanks 1life - this was a wonderful post...

 

Originally posted by only1life

Cis,

 

Having been in your husband's place, here's what I wanted to hear from my wife -

 

I want to hear her say that she is sorry for falling in love with the other guy.

 

I've done this!

 

I want to hear her say she regrets being close to him.

 

I did this also!

 

I want to hear her say that the sex wasn't so good, not nearly as good as it is with me (always helps to boost a male's ego!) And by the way, I'm built better, too, right?

 

I've said this also - and it was true!

 

I want her to say she is sorry for lieing to me about it, when I suspected it, and asked her to her face if there was another guy.

 

My husband didn't notice....

 

I want her to say she feels really bad about lieing to me and extending her "conference" trip to be with him longer when she knew that I was at home with the kids, missing her.

 

I am very sorry for lying to him - I hate liars.

 

I want her to say it was all a big mistake on her part, and she'll never do it again.

 

I've said this!

 

I want her to say that now she realizes that it wasn't worth it and will never do it again.

 

I agree and have said this!

 

I want her to say that she really feels rotten about treating me like scum, to her own benefit.

 

Yes - I admit I've been ungrateful and have treated my husband VERY poorly.

 

I want her to say that she now realizes that we have a great thing going, and it was a BIG mistake for her to risk it all for a longshot chance at another relationship.

 

Well - I'm saying that we have to really look at what wasn't working..that we have nothing to loose to try and make things better...that we can have the marriage we always wanted if we are willing and able to do the work.

I want her to say she got caught up in the excitement, and it was all a big mistake.

 

Yes - the thrill the thrill!

And I want her to say these things without any prompting from me, so that I know that she really means it.

 

I do - but sometimes it feels like he doesn't hear me.

 

I want her to answer all the stupid questions I have, because I'm forever looking for answers, in the hope that I can prevent it from happening again, if only I knew exactly why it happened the first time.

 

This has been the hardest part. My relationship was 99% email and so there is black and white evidence. I want to be transparent, but I can see how hurtful the emails are. I'm wondering if we haven't reached the place of diminishing returns...how much more does he want to hurt? I wish he would stop reading them and asking for more..

 

And I want her to believe me when I tell her that I forgive her, cause I do, as hard as it is. And I know that it was partially my fault - none of us is perfect, I'm sure that I had grown too confident, and had ignored some of her feelings, leading her to find them elsewhere.

 

We're not there yet - but perhaps someday.....

 

And I want her to understand that I'm scared that it could happen again, and need reassurances and communication that it won't.

 

I'm trying. It's hard to not react to his jibes. "Are you being good?" etc.

 

And I want her to understand my feelings when we're being intimate, and suddenly I get weird thoughts going thru my head that interrupt things, and please be patient with me, cause I'm trying to recover and relearn how to enjoy the great closeness that used to be ours exclusively.

 

yes...

 

And I want her to understand that I need to hear these things frequently, and just cause I need to hear them, that doesn't mean that I don't believe her.

 

My husband has asked for so much reassurance and positive reinforcement. I'm trying to provide that...

And I want her to understand that it is going to take quite a long time for me to really feel strong trust between us, like we had before, and I don't want her to think that it is because I don't feel good about her.

 

I understand this...

 

And I want her to do what I'm now doing, thinking of this big event as a bad mistake that we will learn from, and will make our relationship better in the long run. It won't be forgotten, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let one bad mistake ruin our chance of future happiness. OK, I should say here that I love her, and I really believe her when she says she loves me.

 

This is lovely...we're not there yet - but I have hope.

I consider myself lucky, cause in the 4 months since she 'fessed up, she has said most of these things to me, and I'm thinking she really does feel this way. In response, we've realized that our marriage is worth working hard to preserve. Is it as good as it was before? In some ways yes and no, some things can't be repaired. But actually, I do feel closer to her than I have felt in years.

 

Hope this may be of some use to you and yours. Good luck.

 

Thank you so much!

[only1life]

Cis, sounds like you've been trying. For us, it hasn't been easy. Maybe it would have been easier to just split up, pass blaim wherever, say it is over, and get on with life, apart. But I really love her, and we had a great thing going, great kids, life, etc. More than 25 years! So I thought it was really worth working towards fixing. So far, so good. Actually, really good! The "bad memories" are getting further and further away, don't think they'll ever be gone totally, but maybe that's not so bad, since they remain as a reminder to both of us about what can happen if we're not careful.

 

It all takes time. And in this time, both of you will change, although you may not realize it. Kinda like different phases that you pass thru, and the next one cannot start until you've completed the current one. Each one comes with different feelings. And each requires varying levels of patience, and communication. I would never have thought that something like this could hurt so much, since we see it on TV all the time, and they joke about it like it's no big deal, but now when I see stuff like that on TV, I just feel sad. It is no laughing matter.

 

I guess I forgot to add something about accountability. And don't take it personal, well, I guess it is, but... Even tho I feel stupid for feeling this way, I can't help but wonder, when I'm here at work, what is she doing and where is she right now? So it feels real good when I get home at night, to just sit and talk about what each of us did today. Simple, but it does help build back up that trust that has been destroyed.

 

Patience, communication, understanding, time and a LOT of re-assurances.

 

Good luck.