Thank you - from a regretful wife

[Cis]

only1life....

 

Thank you for the encouraging post. Every 12 hours my husband exclaims that he can't take the pain, that he can't trust me, that he wants a divorce. He continues to want to comb through the evidence - and I continue to supply it! Then he quotes our correspondence - the most hurtful stuff...and then he wants an explanation --- how can you explain a mistake, a mid life crisis, a psychotic break and a folie a deux?

 

I'm really wondering if separating might not help us. It's too hard to live like this!

Cis

[Rick5478]

I think that people who cheat don't really love the person their with. It's one thing to just flirt with somebody else knowing it hurts the spouse. It's another to do that constantly. But to kiss and have sex with somebody else that proves to me that those types of people don't really love their spouse. I know what they say, "Oh no, love and sex aren't one in the same." Psshhh. Cheaters know right from wrong. But it's easy to cheat when you fall out of love with the other person. And personally, I think if a woman is capable of giving herself to another man emotionally while still married, it's obvious the marriage is over. Not to mention that actual sex. I think it would be best for your husband to divorce you. You both know he deserves better.

[jmargel]

CIS,

 

Right now he's going through the 5 stages of grief.

 

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

 

 

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

 

 

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

 

 

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

 

 

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

 

Even though you are alive, everything you two 'had' is dead to him (for right now). He could be feeling that everything you two have experience and will experience will be tainted by what you've done. That he'll never be able to be fully loved 100% by you, because he'll always be wondering what 'you' are thinking. Are you thinking about him, do you think about him while having sex with the husband, etc.. Men like to have concrete answers for WHY things happened. It's so we can destroy any possibility of it ever happening again. That is why he is going through all the emails, getting as much details, etc.. However everytime he reads an email, the pain strikes him harder each time.

 

As you can tell with the grief process, he's still in the anger stage. Thing is, he might jump from different stages at any time, and this can be something that lasts for months or years. There is no just 'one' talk when it comes to cheating. At some point he will get all the anger out and then make a clear decision on what he needs to do. Continue therapy, that's a necessity.

 

You also have to ask yourself have you been happy in this marriage before all this took place? I think it would be easier for your husband to take this, if he knew 'he' did something wrong to have maybe caused this, so that 'he' could fix what he's been doing wrong, to eliminate any chance of you ever cheating on him again.

 

Instead of talking about the affair 24/7, start doing things that you two used to do when you both were truly in love. With his obessiveness on this, he is overworking his mind. That is why he says those harsh things. Try to get him to leave those thoughts for awhile. Not just tell him you love him, SHOW him.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by Cis

only1life....

 

Thank you for the encouraging post. Every 12 hours my husband exclaims that he can't take the pain, that he can't trust me, that he wants a divorce. He continues to want to comb through the evidence - and I continue to supply it! Then he quotes our correspondence - the most hurtful stuff...and then he wants an explanation --- how can you explain a mistake, a mid life crisis, a psychotic break and a folie a deux?

 

I'm really wondering if separating might not help us. It's too hard to live like this!

Cis

 

Don't give up Cis. Your husband is bound to feel all of those things and sadly it will continue for a long while to come. Don't separate - you cannot sort anything out when you are not together. Just acknowledge what he is saying without being defensive (hard I know). Try to explain things as best you can, even if you have to repeat yourself over and over. My husband had an EA and I have been in your husband's shoes and done all those things. We have been through seven months of hell and are only starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel now.

 

The thing is that on good days we are better than we were before so I have hope that one day we will look back on this and it won't hurt so much.

 

Take care,

Sylvia

[only1life]

Originally posted by Cis

.... --- how can you explain a mistake, a mid life crisis, a psychotic break and a folie a deux?

 

Cis

 

Cis,

 

You explain it just like you did in your question...assuming it is true, then it is just that; a mistake, a mid life crisis, etc... And you may have to explain it a thousand times. Sometimes us humans do stupid things. Things that we regret shortly afterward. The important thing is to look towards the future.

 

Only you guys can decide what your future holds. Don't let any of us discourage you, or encourage you too much. Neither way will be easy. For Wife and I, it was just the fact that the life we had before the whole bad stuff started was quite good, and she really wanted to try and get that goodness back, after confessing everything. So we have worked together to get past all this mess, and rebuild what we had years ago. I do believe in second chances, cause I'm not perfect either.

 

One thing I was pretty sure of, if I had walked away, or if she had walked away, I doubt that there would ever have been much a chance of us getting back together again. So I wanted to make dang sure that if I walked, it was the right thing to do. And since I was never sure that it was the right thing, I never walked. And each day, I feel a little more certain that we've made the right decision.

 

A little advice? Concentrate on the good stuff. Try to do fun things. It may be awkward at first, but go for it. Go out on dates, maybe like you did before you were married. Try to relive the good times, cause this will remind him of how things were fun and can be again, and it will also make you feel like there is some hope.

 

Strength be with you, Take Care.

[Cis]

Thanks again for your messages. It is so helpful to hear your perspective. I feel really crappy for hurting my husband so badly. All I can do is "hold" the hurt. Husband wants to dedicate six months to working on our marriage - and then he feels he can make a decision about our ability to make each other happy, trust, capadibility, etc. I'm slightly uncomfortable with the clock ticking approach - this is what he's done in the past - he wants to move quickly and decisively - doesn't like to "waste" time. I'm not in any position to argue about this or anything. In fact I'm being pretty passive. I've never been good at making relationship decisions and have always taken the victim role.

 

But I'm trying to learn and actively work this one through - but right now with husband so upset - it's hard to get a baseline. I love him - but the truth is we haven't been very good at meeting each other's emotional needs in the past - and for the first time I think he really understands what it is I've been asking for all these years. And he's doing it! And it make me eager to do the things that makes him happy. It's so cyclical - it's amazing any couple can do this naturally without having a crisis.

 

If my husband stays "present", and if I stay engaged with his needs, and if we continue to bond, talk and share stuff - my god this could me the marriage I've always wanted! He is a kind, sweet and generous man - who can also be very irritable, stubborn and difficult. Right now I love him very much and would hate to lose him.

 

Cis

[Owl]

Interesting how you put that CIS.

...my god this could me the marriage I've always wanted!

 

Pretty much the same thing I've heard from my wife since her affair as well. I've heard that marriages that survive infidelity often end up to be "better" marriages in a lot of ways. Because now both of you understand the need to meet each other's needs...and sadly, now know the consequences of not meeting those needs.

 

One change that you may have to cope with for a long time tho...trust. Realize that no matter how hard you both work at it, the trust after an affair doesn't seem to be the same kind of "blind trust" that either of you had before it happened. There's a kind of innocence lost there...that is darned hard to get back...and it takes a long time to get, if you ever do.

 

I'm glad to hear that things are going so well for the two of you...keep it up!!

[only1life]

Originally posted by Cis

... In fact I'm being pretty passive. I've never been good at making relationship decisions ....

 

....but the truth is we haven't been very good at meeting each other's emotional needs in the past - and for the first time I think he really understands what it is I've been asking for all these years. And he's doing it! And it make me eager to do the things that makes him happy.....

 

Big clue here! Talk about things, about everything, even if you think it may hurt his feelings, cause at this point, he's about as low as he can get, so don't worry about it. It is more important to communicate - don't let things that bother you just go by, tell him about it, before they build up and do damage later. Of course, tell him in a nice and tactful way.

 

Also, try and read his feelings, if there appears to be anything bothering him, ask him about it, and make sure that he knows that he can talk to you about anything. It may not be pleasant, but it has to come out, if you guys are going to have a good relationship in the future.

 

If you guys are meant for each other, then honesty can only help the relationship.

 

I can't tell you how many times wife and I have had to do this, and things still come up that we need to talk about. Now, 4 months later, we are still a little unsettled, but we're both dedicated to never going back to that place where we were before this whole thing happened.

 

Will it be better in the long run? It's hard to admit that any good can come from all of this, but we really do know each other better than ever before. And about long term damage, yeah, some things seem like maybe they can never be repaired. And there's always that feeling that betrayal might happen again. Well, maybe, but in the meantime, I'm going to have a lot of good times together with her, so that I can never look back and feel like I missed out on something nice!

 

Good luck. Keep in touch.

[Cis]

My husband continues to sift through the evidence, and cross examine me. He likes to trip me up - and I'm not lying I just can't remember every single detail. When will he feel he has enough evidence to decide if he wants to stay with me? I'm worried that I'll start pushing back and getting defensive. I'm starting to get pissed.

 

He's decided that he'll only give us 6 months to work this out and that the clock has started ticking!

 

I know he's entitled to being angry and hurt - I've done, said and written some terrible things.....and it's hard to explain when someone wants a rational explanation. I wasn't rational, I was in a very needy place, I was lonely and felt that my lover could offer me the companionship and friendship I craved - but of course I was deluded and so very very wrong. I was such an idiot!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by only1life

Also, try and read his feelings, if there appears to be anything bothering him, ask him about it, and make sure that he knows that he can talk to you about anything.

 

Good advice! This worked very well for my husband and I. I had begun to feel like I was harping at him with constant requests for details in order that I should finally understand why. I needed constant reassurance and he was beginning to feel the strain. I couldn't bring myself to ask for the reassurance that I needed though.

 

We did well on a system of him coming to me and asking how I was, whenever he would notice that I was feeling down. He became pretty good at it, and since he was the one initiating conversation, he felt less picked on.

[Cis]

Ladyjane~

 

Did you finally get satisfaction to your inquiries? If so how long did it take? So much of this is shameful and embarrassing - how do you handle that? I've been remorseful - every time he tells me he loves me, I respond that I love him and I'm sorry I hurt him. This is such an awful cycle....

[Cis]

My husband told me last night he is filing for divorce. He wants us to take the 6 months to work on the marriage AND work through a settlement. He feel strongly that this is one way I can earn back his trust (not taking him to the cleaners byway of California Community Property Law). I've told him from the get go that I would honor our prenuptual agreement. He doesn't seem to believe me (not surprising) -

 

This feels very bad to me...I think he should divorce me if he doesn't love me or want to be with me - not to put me through a test. Why can't we work on the marriage and IF we aren't happy with the progress THEN file for divorce?

 

Anyone ever heard of filing for divorce and working through a settlement as a trust building strategy?

[DinNJ]

I have a relative who's spouse filed for divorce before and agreeing to MC. Kinda defeats the purpose if you ask me. Usually it would be the other way around... MC, testing... THEN divorce if all else fails.

 

Needless to say.... they're no longer together nor in counseling.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, I'm totally in shock sitting here reading what wrote.

 

WTF? That makes NO sense. He makes no sense. I agree with you, it's work on the marriage first THEN if all is not working out THEN do the divorce. Some do legal separation then get back together, but rarely a divorce.

 

I would leave him now. IF you can. Let him still pay for your health insurance, hopefully he will still take care of that. But right now, this is so unhealthy and cruel to you...You've tried here and he now is making you jump through hoops.

 

Hope you're doing OK.

[Rick5478]

Congradulations to your husband. I hope he finds a woman that loves him enough to sleep with him and ONLY him and treats him the way he deserves.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Cis

Ladyjane~

 

Did you finally get satisfaction to your inquiries? If so how long did it take? So much of this is shameful and embarrassing - how do you handle that? I've been remorseful - every time he tells me he loves me, I respond that I love him and I'm sorry I hurt him. This is such an awful cycle....

 

I'm sorry I didn't notice this earlier. BS's go through an almost obsessive "search" process. I had to get control of myself, and MAKE myself stop doing it. I went on like that for a couple of months though.

 

This seems to be water under the bridge at this point since he's filed for divorce.

 

Originally posted by Cis

My husband told me last night he is filing for divorce. He wants us to take the 6 months to work on the marriage AND work through a settlement.

 

I agree with WWIU. It seems unreasonable to me to file for divorce AND go to marriage counseling. I'm afraid he might just be attempting to keep you calm while he divorces you.

 

I know you did a wrong thing, and you tried to make it right as best as you could. If it were me, I think I'd gather up what was left of my dignity and leave. Maybe without you in close proximity, he may be able to evaluate if your presence is meaningful in his life or not.

 

I'm NOT giving you advice here, because I'm not sure you'd be in any better position. I'm just telling you what I would do, right or wrong.

[Owl]

CIS-

 

Sorry to hear about him filing for divorce. One thing I find of interest tho...he's also still wanting to "work it out". What it sounds like to me is that at this point, HE doesn't know what he wants. Don't be too surprised by this...it's pretty normal for the BS to go "temporarily insane" for a while. We don't make any sense...because our world doesn't make any sense to us now. But, he's not out of your life yet. Work with him, give him the time he needs, and just do your best to keep your cool and keep showing him that you love him.

 

I have to say, it is possible that this could end in divorce. It's a lousy situation, and there is no EASY way out at this point. No one walks away from an affair unscarred. I really do hope that you two can hold things together long enough for him to work through the pain and "insanity" and to begin working with you to recover your marriage.

 

Good luck friend.

[Cecelius]

I have to say that in this thread, one person got irational through her neediness and ended up banging another guy -- frankly, if you really want to kick a man where he lives, THAT is the way to do it.

 

He's not entitled to some irrationality?

 

Whether he is or is not (and my sense is that now that you have your head on straight as you see it, you feel he should too and you should get credit for the time that you felt guilty about it but didn't tell him), I agree that his filing is a powerful act.

 

I guess now one can see how far being emotionally needy can drive one.

[Cis]

Hey there~

 

Well it's been 6 months since D day. We separated, he went to Europe with his exwife, he came back wanting to go back to MC, we are beginning to spend a little more time together... as of today neither of us has filed for divorce.

 

Two days ago I gave him a promotional tape on Marriage Builders - and he said he was interested!

 

Time has been a big help, but also going to Alanon meetings, focusing on myself (doing stuff I love to do), keeping my family OUT of it, and just trying to be there for him has kept us from filing.

 

I've always been tenacious, and controlling and I'm seeing that in this instance I had to and have to continue backing off... He gets to pretty much set the pace.

 

I know this isn't over until it's over - but I am feeling more hopeful.

 

Some lessons:

 

1) FOR ME coming clean was absolutely necessary. I could never live with such a big lie to someone who was/is so important in my life.

2) When I came clean - man the whole fantasy got forever buried. I have NO desire to contact my former lover. EVER

3) You can't make anyone come "to the table" - you have to just hang

4) Some people get their esteem back from retribution - an ugly reality but real.

5) Just like everyone says focus on yourself: gym, walks, pets, friends, volunteer work, theater, movies, furnishing your new place...there is lots to do. When you get lonely - read books and pray.

6) Don't react - if your spouse says - I'm divorcing you, or how much money do you want, or what from the house do you want...don't respond. Just keep saying "I don't want to divorce, and we can talk about all of the details when YOU decide to divorce me"

7) If your separate - try not to take too much from the house you hope to go back to. I've taken very little and lived a monastic life. Truth is I like it!

 

Anyway - again thanks to all who have helped me. It's not over - we still have a long way to go - and it could all go south again. But today anyway - he says he loves me, wants to spend the weekend together and was interested in the Marriage Builders stuff!

 

Cis