How do I survive?

[Broken1976]

18 months ago I left my husband. It was the most gut wrenching decision I have ever made in my life. I was with him thirteen years and we have a beautiful daughter together. For the first 9 years he was the perfect husband and father. He is 11 years older than me. When he was in his mid 40's his behaviour changed, he became cruel, verbally abusive and threatened to physically hurt me including the thought of snapping my neck. I lived in total fear. I couldn't speak, would cry myself to sleep, lost weight and became suicidal. I found out he was having an inappropriate relationship with a girl half his age who is into dominatrix and has ads on the Internet looking for slaves. I was devastated.

 

I didn't know he was like that. He told me she was worth more to him than my daughter and I. I found pictures of her on his phone, pornography and disgusting pornographic stories dedicated to her. He cheated on me when I was pregnant and had legal repercussions. I almost lost my baby from the hurt and grief it caused. He has had avos before from his previous marriage. I am struggling everyday to get past these thoughts and I feel worthless and no good as a woman. I feel as though I failed him both physically and emotionally. I am not into dominatrix or anything like that. I didn't know he was either until he started asking me to do degrading sexual acts.

 

He would watch me cry about it and then laugh at me calling me pathetic, useless, idiot just to name a few. He took off and moved interstate leaving me with everything financially. I had to sell my home by my self, move in with family, pay thousands of dollars in legal fees, real estate agents and I had to pay him money I received from compensation from an injury I received at work. I walked away with nothing.

 

He said I should go with anyone that will take me. He's made me feel as though I'm no good for anything or anyone. These wounds arnt healing and I wake up everyday and wonder if what he said is true. I need advice on how to cope with this. Am I over reacting about this situation or did I push him away?

Edited January 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Iguanna]

You have to wake up every day instead and thank God he left you alone. This man was no good, not only for you, but for every other woman, cause abusing another human being is unacceptable, no excuses. You have to understand that these things he said about you are not valid and it was only his bad self talking. I'm sure you are a great person and you have a kid to take care of. I'd suggest you visit a counselor, let these thoughts and emotions out, and with their help and the help of your family and friends, you will wake up one day realizing that this is not what you deserve and you have to go on and be happy. I'm sure that after some years you'll remember this situation you are in now and you will say to yourself "how could I not see that this man was a jerk and I instead believed everything he had told me?". Bless God for your kid and for him leaving you alone, hire an attorney if you think it's important for alimony etc and concentrate on your child's and your happiness. Do things you like, meet new people, find a hobby, read books, go on vacation, visit some relative or friend that lives far away, do things for yourself. Good luck.

[Broken1976]

Thankyou so much. I have seen a counsellor but she was more spiritual than anything. She was lovely but I really never felt any better. I am glad that my daughter and I are safe, but the wounds are so deep that I have flash backs almost everyday. I want them to go away. I loved my husband more than I can describe. And to have him want these things and being with a 24 year old and he's 46 hurts so much, especially considering her sexual activities. I am not like that and it hurts to think that maybe he was like it all along. I stood by him through some very painful times when any other woman would have left him.

I think I am a good person, I was never unfaithful, never cruel and was a good wife and friend. I don't know where I went wrong and I struggle everyday. They say time heals all, but the pain is still there everyday. He said no one would want me and I'm useless and a pathetic idiot. I'm now 37 and have lost everything other than my beautiful daughter.

[TheyCallMeOx]

First and foremost, you need to understand something very important: you were with your husband for 13 years. 13 years is a very long time for ANYTHING: whether it's being at the same job for 13 years, having a best friend for 13 years, having the same car for 13 years, or anything else. When you're with someone for 13 years, that is a large chunk of your life dedicated to that person. Not only that, but you've been through a lot of emotions with this dude. You had a kid with this guy, probably even bought some kind of house (or some kind of home) together, and did a lot of things together.

 

13 years is going to make a lasting impression on your life, and it is, by no means, easy to deal with the fact that you've gotta move on from someone that you spent 13 years with. The fact that you're still struggling even after 18 months doesn't mean anything; whoever expects a person to get over someone that they've spent 13 years with in just 18 months has probably never been through half the things that you've been through. To me, there's no such thing as over-reacting. Your feelings are the way you feel, and it doesn't matter if it's justified or not. The important thing you need to acknowledge is that you're hurt. You don't need to justify the way you feel, you don't need to seek people's approval for your actions.

 

It seems like you're at an age where you've been through many things in life, learned many things in life, and you are probably strong enough to make decisions based on what you feel is right. Throughout your life, you've probably witnessed some kind of "change." You know that sometimes things happen, and sometimes...things change. Plans change, what we know about the world around us changes, and etc. You probably understand that there's a degree of uncertainty in life, and you can't really predict what's going to happen. If you knew that your ex-husband was going to turn out the way he did, he probably wouldn't have pursued the kind of relationship you did with him. You had every reason to believe that you were probably going to grow old with this man since, at one point, you saw things in him that you felt comfortable with that idea of everlasting love. However, things happen.

 

Throughout your sexual life, I'm sure that you would've been able to try out new things, but there are just some things that are NOT COOL, and there are some things that are "well, I don't like the idea...but if that's something you feel comfortable with, I'm willing to try it at least once." If dominatrix is something that you find NOT COOL, then there's nothing wrong with that; that's just who you are. It's perfectly fine to be interested in dominatrix, but it's perfectly fine NOT to be interested in it as well. You can't blame yourself. At the end of the day, making sacrifices for each other is not an excuse to be forced to do everything sexually. Sometimes, you can't always get what you want and if someone marries you...then they understand that there are just some things that you may end up giving up.

 

There are some things you're willing to sacrifice, and some things you're not willing. And there's nothing wrong with that because we're different and that's what makes us human. The thing that you have to understand is that people make their own decisions in life. If you feel responsible for him cheating on you and doing the things he did, that's not the truth. He made the rational choice to cheat on you; there is no justification for cheating and you are not responsible for other people's actions. You are the most important person in your life because only YOU make your own choices; you might be influenced, but you ultimately decide on what you do regardless of circumstances. The thing you have to think about is whether or not there was a lack of communication, and I'm guessing there was less communication throughout the marriage.

 

If he had been more open throughout the marriage, would things be better off? Who knows. However, your marriage played out the way it did and although it's unfortunate, you have to accept that the marriage has ended. If you feel that you have done everything in your power, as a wife, to take care of your husband, then you need come to terms with that. Your husband made the personal choice to be cruel, verbally abusive, and threaten you; why he did that is something that he'll have to think about, and it's got nothing to do with you. You are you. You are a person of worth and value in life, and NO ONE deserves to be treated the way you are portraying your marriage. Living in total fear is not my idea of marriage, and if that's what marriage is all about...count me out! Just like his choices are his sole responsibility, so are his words. I understand that the man was with you for 13 years, so I understand that the words are going to hurt...initially, but you have to recognize that words are just words.

 

Words have no meaning unless we give them meaning. You also have to understand that power is granted. You could easily call me a bunch of names, but I will only grant you the power to affect me if I give you that power. Otherwise, I could simply close out the window and wait a couple days for the moderators of this forum to delete the message. I could also say that "clouds taste like cotton candy." You know that it's not true (even if you might wish it was), but just because I say it as a truth doesn't mean it is truth. I can be 100% confident that clouds taste like cotton candy, and still be incorrect. If you've never tasted clouds before, you might say "well, I've never tasted a cloud so I don't know if that's true or not." You could say that I'm the dumbest person on the planet, as a truth, and it would still be untrue. Why? Because you and I both know ourselves.

 

If you've been living, chances are you have a good idea of who you are and what's out there. I know I'm not the dumbest person in the world. Could I believe that I am the dumbest person in the world? Sure. Is it true? Probably not. But what it all comes down to is what I believe. What I believe is all that matters. Your ex-husband can call you "pathetic" or "useless," but you have to acknowledge the fact that they're just words. Also, that is what HE believes...but that is not something that YOU have to believe. Just because someone believes in something doesn't mean you're obligated to believe in it, unless you have convinced YOURSELF that it is true. Remember...power is granted. If you convince yourself that you are "pathetic" based on someone else's opinion, you are granting them power to control you. Because of this, you need to acknowledge how much power you have in your life and how resourceful you can be.

 

At this point in time, you need to acknowledge your feelings and spend time with yourself. You need to readjust your life, find that balance, because now that things are MUCH different than the past 13 years...you're going to be spending a while trying to fix the mess that it's created. It'll take time, something that all of us have witnessed with significant break-ups, but the important thing you have to understand is that YOU are in control of your life, and that as long as you're making progress...you're going to be okay. However, if you don't make progress because you choose to sit in a corner and cry everyday, then you haven't reached rehabilitation. If things don't improve over a period of time, you may need some guidance...and there's many resources for that kind of stuff, and there's people who are more than willing to help you because you are a person of worth, and you are important.

 

It's going to take time, patience, and motivation to recover from such a devastating blow to your life, but you have to trust yourself that you will get better and you will overcome just like every other bad experience that you've had to overcome. Find new hobbies, spend time with friends, achieve your dreams, and fight for yourself.

 

You're beautiful, you're important, you have value, and you deserve love...not just from other people, but for yourself.

Edited January 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added much needed paragraphs

[Iguanna]

Thankyou so much. I have seen a counsellor but she was more spiritual than anything. She was lovely but I really never felt any better. I am glad that my daughter and I are safe, but the wounds are so deep that I have flash backs almost everyday. I want them to go away. I loved my husband more than I can describe. And to have him want these things and being with a 24 year old and he's 46 hurts so much, especially considering her sexual activities. I am not like that and it hurts to think that maybe he was like it all along. I stood by him through some very painful times when any other woman would have left him.

I think I am a good person, I was never unfaithful, never cruel and was a good wife and friend. I don't know where I went wrong and I struggle everyday. They say time heals all, but the pain is still there everyday. He said no one would want me and I'm useless and a pathetic idiot. I'm now 37 and have lost everything other than my beautiful daughter.

 

You have to understand this was not your fault, that he became abusive. You should NOT in any circumstances blame yourself for that. These people are sick and they need medical attention. You have not caused this. Of course someone (and more) will want you, but you are not ready to go there yet. You said you have lost everything other than your daughter, but hon, isn't your daughter everything??? I'm 32 and I would kill to have a kid now, I dream of it every night, I day dream of it every day, I want it so bad I think I'll get sick. Be grateful that you got rid of this man (the man you once loved doesn't exist anymore, you have to understand it), that you have your daughter who is your life and concentrate on what you have rather than what you lost. Only this way will you be able to take strength from them and move on. You are lucky, I'm telling you. Things could have been a lot worse. Imagine if this guy would start hitting your daughter. Imagine if he was stalking you and threatening you. You should thank God and find the strength to move on. I assure you, one day you will be happy again.

[Broken1976]

Thankyou so much for all your kind words. It's been a difficult journey. I met him when I was 23 and really had no life experience.

I found out that the young girl he was seeing (20 years age difference) was hacking into my facebook account and emails. I'm not sure how she did it.

She sent me a horrible pictures of herself with no top on sticking her finger up at me. It was shattering. My little girl would hide in her room because she couldn't handle her father yelling at me. I wanted to leave so badly but I was so afraid, I had nowhere to go, no money. So I did the best I could until I could bear it no longer. I had bruises on my arms where he threw me across our bedroom and was in constant fear he would carry out his threats. I pray to god every night that I left my marriage but he certainly wasn't the man I fell in love with anymore.

[Survivor12]

Your husband was abusive. He threatened you & physically assauted you. You lived in fear of what he may do. He degraded you in front of your daughter & admitted that he valued his Dom more than either of you.

 

But you love him, and leaving him was very hard to do--emotionally & financially...but you DID! You did what you had to do to protect yourself and your daughter despite your fear. You are a strong woman. You have set a good example for your daughter and given her reason to be proud of you. Give your self credit!

 

There are many women who never have the courage to leave. Some are too afraid. They lack confidence in themselves and believe they deserve the abuse. The fact that you did proves that you do know that you deserve better for yourself and your daughter. You've proven that he is wrong about you. You are a survivor!

 

It's time to stop looking back and begin to embrace the future. Believe in yourself! At 37, it's not too late--it's not uncommon for people to wait until they are in their 30s to marry for the first time or to have children in their 40s. With determination and a plan, you can also recover financially, and it's never too late to find happiness.

 

You can do this...what are you waiting for?

 

Good luck to you!

[Yarrow]

I think I am a good person, I was never unfaithful, never cruel and was a good wife and friend. I don't know where I went wrong and I struggle everyday. They say time heals all, but the pain is still there everyday. He said no one would want me and I'm useless and a pathetic idiot. I'm now 37 and have lost everything other than my beautiful daughter.

 

1. You know you are a good person, good wife, and friend. That will take you far. Hold on to that thought.

 

2. He's a useless and pathetic idiot and the only other person who wants him is some 20-something who does not exactly sound classy.

 

3. You still have your beautiful daughter. That's everything. Be glad he isn't trying to take her away from you. Hold on to her and show her what a strong and self-respecting woman looks like. Show her that we don't waste our time and our hearts on men who don't treat us well, because what you do here will set the tone for how she believes she should be treated.

[RedHawk08]

It's not often I say this, because I believe that most relationships and marriages should be given a chance to survive and be better.

But this has turned septic beyond hope.

 

These are the sort of stories that our WS's need to see.

Maybe they would realise how lucky they are that they have spouses like us.

 

Despite all the horrors you've faced, you have to remember that you have done the right thing in leaving.

Emotional abuse like this is something no one should tolerate.

 

I hope he can be encouraged to seek out some help for his attitudes toward you. Has he turned against anyone else in his life?

It's sounding like some dark variation on a Mid Life Crisis!

 

Either way, I hope you can find some happiness somewhere soon.

Hopefully he will straighten himself out and make ammends for his behaviour too.

Although I wouldn't concern yourself with that too much.

[EverySunset]

oh broken, we have so much in common, it is so heartbreakingly sad.

 

GET OUT NOW. Emotionally. Physically.

 

Do you think if you reconciled, he wouldn't hurt you because you shared a life? He will. Maybe even more so.

 

Do you expect some measure of safety because you have children together? Again, don't. Children amp up the temperature when it comes to things to lose.

 

Do you feel comforted that this man sees you as a real person with physical bones and an emotional heart that could break and he would never really follow through on his threats?

 

Our situations. Our Hs sound so similiar. So don't be me. My STBXH watched me disbelieve he would really hurt his faithful, utterly devoted wife and mother of his child all the way up until the night he attacked me and broke my heart. And yes, my bones too. In my own bedroom, steps away from wedding photos.

 

don't.be.me.

 

STAY AWAY FROM THIS SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MAN. He has told you he will hurt you. Believe him and focus on you and your kids.

 

I'd bet every dollar I have you're all incredibly broken, kids too. Mine are.

 

 

Thankyou so much for all your kind words. It's been a difficult journey. I met him when I was 23 and had no life experience.

I found out that the young girl he was seeing (20 years age difference) was hacking into my facebook account and emails. I'm not sure how she did it.

She sent me a horrible pictures of herself with no top on sticking her finger up at me. It was shattering. My little girl would hide in her room because she couldn't handle her father yelling at me. I wanted to leave so badly but I was so afraid, I had nowhere to go, no money. So I did the best I could until I could bear it no longer. I had bruises on my arms where he threw me across our bedroom and was in constant fear he would carry out his threats. I pray to god every night that I left my marriage but he certainly wasn't the man I fell in love with anymore.

[MarlaSinger]

Be safe. Think of your kids

[EverySunset]

Thankyou so much for all your kind words. It's been a difficult journey. I met him when I was 23 and really had no life experience.

I found out that the young girl he was seeing (20 years age difference) was hacking into my facebook account and emails. I'm not sure how she did it.

She sent me a horrible pictures of herself with no top on sticking her finger up at me. It was shattering. My little girl would hide in her room because she couldn't handle her father yelling at me. I wanted to leave so badly but I was so afraid, I had nowhere to go, no money. So I did the best I could until I could bear it no longer. I had bruises on my arms where he threw me across our bedroom and was in constant fear he would carry out his threats. I pray to god every night that I left my marriage but he certainly wasn't the man I fell in love with anymore.

 

I'm sorry. Big sister knee-jerk response above.

 

Bottom line is, men like that... men like the one your H became, are not reachable. You can't help what he evolved (or devolved) into, and the whole self dissection you're absorbed with is emotionally destructive. Find a support group... for single mothers, divorce, AlAnon if it applies, church counseling, or a good old fashioned women group - usually informal, between friends, and my personal favorite.

 

It is near impossible not to mourn the loss of something so significant in your life, so go ahead and do it. Just not forever. Because what you miss is what you had, not HIM, because he is a toxic hot mess with enough issues to keep you preoccupied forever and I promise you, that time is much, MUCH better spent on yourself. And your kids.

 

Find a mediator and work through anything you can't work out between you both. Save everything, journal everything as it happens so it's easier to show a judge if the man you thought you knew and his baby dom harass you. That is NOT ok. Forget co-parenting. those are your rights, to live free from that crap.

 

YOU WILL SURVIVE. Put one foot in front of the other, and be good to yourself until you are. And even then... don't stop! I know women crippled emotionally and physically from their husbands who can get through their every day. Lean on your sisters (other women). You wouldn't believe how many other women out there have been screwed over by their Hs. Every once in a while, when I am in a tough spot b/c of mine, I will discreetly share the situation and my inability to do more or better with a problem, and everyone from doctors office schedulers to airport security will be a little more helpful. I don't abuse it, but I do know the power of a girl connection, and I promise you we are all connected.

 

Find what makes you happy, and DO IT. Spend time being absolutely silly with your kids. Take days trips and go looking for frogs, or butterflies with them. Or ride your bike. Exercise and eat as well as you can, I find this helps soooo much and I notice when I don't! I am on a tea-heavy detox right now to leave off the sugar, fried, and processed foods because I have slipped lately myself.

 

I am excited for you. You now have the opportunity to REINVENT YOUR LIFE WITH ONLY THE INSPIRING, HEALTHY, AND HAPPY THINGS YOU WANT TO PUT IN IT You don't have to ask anyone. You are in charge, girl. Take the bull by the horns and charge into tomorrow! Next week!

 

And the rest of your life. There is a man (or woman, hey I don't judge you follow your heart!) out there who will adore and cherish you. You just have to find yourself in the right frame of mind to see that.

 

Start today.

 

 

And quote or message me whenever you want, until I figure out PMs and I will be there for you. We are all sisters. I want you to be happy. And I know you do too, but sometimes we have to work for that. Clear out the debris, the waste. And let the good things in.

[Misadventure]

He's made me feel as though I'm no good for anything or anyone. These wounds arnt healing and I wake up everyday and wonder if what he said is true. I need advice on how to cope with this. Am I over reacting about this situation or did I push him away?

 

Firstly, I am so very very sorry for all you have gone through. You need to know firstly this is NOT about you, it is about him.

 

Based on what you have said it sounds like he is a Submissive or wants to be, possibly a switch, and a porn addict (but certain cravings of the s&m world). The things he is saying to you is reflective of him (transference of emotions). He needs to be dominated and humiliated and wants to serve someone who takes complete power over him because he is a little pansy boy (deep inside) he needs and wants to be slapped around. By day at work and in your relationship he may be assertive and take charge. But what he feels is self loathing and he needs and wants to be tied up and slapped around and be made to feel like dirt and possibly wants to "switch" and do the same to another. A good submissive usually has been a switch at one time.

 

Point of all this, you can get therapy for you, and that is what you need on how to cope to get through this. It is not you, and don't let him transfer his emotions onto you. You are probably going to ask yourself, "wasn't I enough?" etc.. It is not about you. I know you were one half of the marriage but this part of his sexual cravings and honestly, part of who he is

has nothing to do with you. Some men are very embarrassed if they realize they need to be tied up, ball gagged and whipped and they crave it, and don't know how to tell their spouse who more than likely, unless you are familiar with it, you have no idea. It's a fetish, pure and simple. But for some, if they haven't been able to explore it, it is part of them, and they need it.

 

Some guys go to Doms professionally (not sexually) and spend $300 an hour to be tied up, told they are a worthless POS and they need to lick the floor, and they are married, some never tell their wives, this is a big secret. They are too humiliated, which in a way gets them off even more cause they like humiliation but how can they tell someone who they see as pure and good that they like to bed tied up and called a sissy boy. But your bloke seems like a switch. He likes to be dominated but he also gets off on hurting others too. But most likely with you, it was mental.

 

It is not you, hun. Take that to heart.

 

If you want to know more to help you understand for you... read up on understanding the BDSM culture. BUT I recommend focusing on YOU not him.

 

He left, he is an arse, he does not need any more of your thoughts, your tears, your focus...focus on you.

[Broken1976]

You girls are inspiring and amazing. I am so glad I found this site. I'm doing much better now and he is now suffering his actions as he is alone, broke and nearly 50. I am still young enough to rebuild my life but I have the most precious possession-our daughter. He's very very sorry for his actions but blames a nervous breakdown on his actions and I no longer care for his excuses.

Whilst my bruises have healed, the wounds are still deep,but I'm sure in time I will be back to my old self.

[dumped2013]

Hang in there and you will be OK. Stay as far away from him as you can.

[hurts1968]

First and foremost, you need to understand something very important: you were with your husband for 13 years. 13 years is a very long time for ANYTHING: whether it's being at the same job for 13 years, having a best friend for 13 years, having the same car for 13 years, or anything else. When you're with someone for 13 years, that is a large chunk of your life dedicated to that person. Not only that, but you've been through a lot of emotions with this dude. You had a kid with this guy, probably even bought some kind of house (or some kind of home) together, and did a lot of things together.

 

13 years is going to make a lasting impression on your life, and it is, by no means, easy to deal with the fact that you've gotta move on from someone that you spent 13 years with. The fact that you're still struggling even after 18 months doesn't mean anything; whoever expects a person to get over someone that they've spent 13 years with in just 18 months has probably never been through half the things that you've been through. To me, there's no such thing as over-reacting. Your feelings are the way you feel, and it doesn't matter if it's justified or not. The important thing you need to acknowledge is that you're hurt. You don't need to justify the way you feel, you don't need to seek people's approval for your actions.

 

It seems like you're at an age where you've been through many things in life, learned many things in life, and you are probably strong enough to make decisions based on what you feel is right. Throughout your life, you've probably witnessed some kind of "change." You know that sometimes things happen, and sometimes...things change. Plans change, what we know about the world around us changes, and etc. You probably understand that there's a degree of uncertainty in life, and you can't really predict what's going to happen. If you knew that your ex-husband was going to turn out the way he did, he probably wouldn't have pursued the kind of relationship you did with him. You had every reason to believe that you were probably going to grow old with this man since, at one point, you saw things in him that you felt comfortable with that idea of everlasting love. However, things happen.

 

Throughout your sexual life, I'm sure that you would've been able to try out new things, but there are just some things that are NOT COOL, and there are some things that are "well, I don't like the idea...but if that's something you feel comfortable with, I'm willing to try it at least once." If dominatrix is something that you find NOT COOL, then there's nothing wrong with that; that's just who you are. It's perfectly fine to be interested in dominatrix, but it's perfectly fine NOT to be interested in it as well. You can't blame yourself. At the end of the day, making sacrifices for each other is not an excuse to be forced to do everything sexually. Sometimes, you can't always get what you want and if someone marries you...then they understand that there are just some things that you may end up giving up.

 

There are some things you're willing to sacrifice, and some things you're not willing. And there's nothing wrong with that because we're different and that's what makes us human. The thing that you have to understand is that people make their own decisions in life. If you feel responsible for him cheating on you and doing the things he did, that's not the truth. He made the rational choice to cheat on you; there is no justification for cheating and you are not responsible for other people's actions. You are the most important person in your life because only YOU make your own choices; you might be influenced, but you ultimately decide on what you do regardless of circumstances. The thing you have to think about is whether or not there was a lack of communication, and I'm guessing there was less communication throughout the marriage.

 

If he had been more open throughout the marriage, would things be better off? Who knows. However, your marriage played out the way it did and although it's unfortunate, you have to accept that the marriage has ended. If you feel that you have done everything in your power, as a wife, to take care of your husband, then you need come to terms with that. Your husband made the personal choice to be cruel, verbally abusive, and threaten you; why he did that is something that he'll have to think about, and it's got nothing to do with you. You are you. You are a person of worth and value in life, and NO ONE deserves to be treated the way you are portraying your marriage. Living in total fear is not my idea of marriage, and if that's what marriage is all about...count me out! Just like his choices are his sole responsibility, so are his words. I understand that the man was with you for 13 years, so I understand that the words are going to hurt...initially, but you have to recognize that words are just words.

 

Words have no meaning unless we give them meaning. You also have to understand that power is granted. You could easily call me a bunch of names, but I will only grant you the power to affect me if I give you that power. Otherwise, I could simply close out the window and wait a couple days for the moderators of this forum to delete the message. I could also say that "clouds taste like cotton candy." You know that it's not true (even if you might wish it was), but just because I say it as a truth doesn't mean it is truth. I can be 100% confident that clouds taste like cotton candy, and still be incorrect. If you've never tasted clouds before, you might say "well, I've never tasted a cloud so I don't know if that's true or not." You could say that I'm the dumbest person on the planet, as a truth, and it would still be untrue. Why? Because you and I both know ourselves.

 

If you've been living, chances are you have a good idea of who you are and what's out there. I know I'm not the dumbest person in the world. Could I believe that I am the dumbest person in the world? Sure. Is it true? Probably not. But what it all comes down to is what I believe. What I believe is all that matters. Your ex-husband can call you "pathetic" or "useless," but you have to acknowledge the fact that they're just words. Also, that is what HE believes...but that is not something that YOU have to believe. Just because someone believes in something doesn't mean you're obligated to believe in it, unless you have convinced YOURSELF that it is true. Remember...power is granted. If you convince yourself that you are "pathetic" based on someone else's opinion, you are granting them power to control you. Because of this, you need to acknowledge how much power you have in your life and how resourceful you can be.

 

At this point in time, you need to acknowledge your feelings and spend time with yourself. You need to readjust your life, find that balance, because now that things are MUCH different than the past 13 years...you're going to be spending a while trying to fix the mess that it's created. It'll take time, something that all of us have witnessed with significant break-ups, but the important thing you have to understand is that YOU are in control of your life, and that as long as you're making progress...you're going to be okay. However, if you don't make progress because you choose to sit in a corner and cry everyday, then you haven't reached rehabilitation. If things don't improve over a period of time, you may need some guidance...and there's many resources for that kind of stuff, and there's people who are more than willing to help you because you are a person of worth, and you are important.

 

It's going to take time, patience, and motivation to recover from such a devastating blow to your life, but you have to trust yourself that you will get better and you will overcome just like every other bad experience that you've had to overcome. Find new hobbies, spend time with friends, achieve your dreams, and fight for yourself.

 

You're beautiful, you're important, you have value, and you deserve love...not just from other people, but for yourself.

 

TheyCallMeOx, what a fantastic post!

 

Been to hell and back myself over the last 12 weeks...still in hell to be honest! But your post is so inspiring!!