Sub Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 True or false. There are relationships that have never seen infidelity. You know the answer. Don't be mad about it. That would be true. Mine was one of them before my W's A. Not mad about the answer at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Considering that most who cheat are likely to do it again, yes. It's staggering how many times I've read this half*** justification for remaining with an unfaithful partner. Seriously, read that you just wrote again. I don't need to...I wrote it. Knew this was wasted effort...that's why I always say it's best just not to feed 'em. Sometimes I gotta remind myself to take my own advice... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ap22 Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 I don't need to...I wrote it. Knew this was wasted effort...that's why I always say it's best just not to feed 'em. Sometimes I gotta remind myself to take my own advice... At this point I think its safe to assume the guy is just a troll looking to get a rise out of people. Ignore and move along Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 True or false. There are relationships that have never seen infidelity. You know the answer. Don't be mad about it. Of course there are relationships that have never seen infidelity. What does that have to do with anything? We're talking about a very real decision for a BS to either take a risk of being hurt again via their WS, taking that risk with someone else, or never engaging in a relationship again. For some of us, it's not a hypothetical. The fact is that anyone is a risk. You may feel that someone that has never cheated is a lower risk. Your choice. I'd love to see those stats. Personally, I think it's less of a risk to be with someone that has been there, learned from it, and would never repeat that choice again. I certainly "get" that for someone who hasn't been there, it's easy to say "I'd never stay with a cheater." I think most betrayed spouses would have said the same thing prior to Dday. But when it's no longer a hypothetical but a very real question about how to proceed with your life, looking at reconciliation as a possibility is a very normal occurrence and about 80-95% at least initially make the attempt. When NONE of the choices are good, you choose what you think is going to be best for you and your family. I've been on this board for quite a while now, and some of the wisest posters are former waywards and betrayed spouses that chose to do the hard work of reconciling. The waywards are remarkably remorseful (and would be a remarkably safe bet, if they were available) and the betrayed spouses are remarkably forgiving. I see no shame in what they're doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Staying in my M has been the hardest thing for me to do, not running. Running would have been easy, it is in my nature, because of my childhood to run. To quit, to give up on people that hurt me this bad. Running is easy. Staying and being willing to stick around and watch the changes in my H and see who he is becoming has been the hard part. Giving him and myself grace to change this marriage, ya that has been the hardest part. Running would have been easier, and I have wanted to many times. Sitting still and learning to grow in this process has been the hardest thing I have ever done. It has also given me the most growth in my life. Sometimes when you run from something, you miss out on important growth in your own life. I have not felt shame, but betrayal to myself. I allowed what he did to change who I was. And I made decisions that I never thought I would make. I never wanted to be someone who cheated in her own marriage. The betrayal to myself has been the hardest to get over. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMcClaine Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 At this point I think its safe to assume the guy is just a troll looking to get a rise out of people. Ignore and move along Statistically speaking, there are those in this very thread defending their decision to stay who at some point in the future will wish they hadn't ignored people like me. Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Statistically speaking, there are those in this very thread defending their decision to stay who at some point in the future will wish they hadn't ignored people like me. It won't be because of people like you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Statistically speaking, there are those in this very thread defending their decision to stay who at some point in the future will wish they hadn't ignored people like me. I doubt anyone will regret ignoring people like you, my friend. Statistically speaking...odds are that some percentage of those who post on LS will be struck by lightning this year...that doesn't cause me to run and shut the internet off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Statistically speaking, there are those in this very thread defending their decision to stay who at some point in the future will wish they hadn't ignored people like me. Possibly. Thank goodness that you're here to let betrayed spouses know that their wayward spouse might cheat on them again, otherwise we might never have considered such a possibility. Whew. Great service you're performing here. There's also a statistically reasonable chance that you'll be cheated on in your future and you might just wish you hadn't ignored those that cautioned you about thinking that some fortitude and effort could have prevented it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Statistically speaking, there are those in this very thread defending their decision to stay who at some point in the future will wish they hadn't ignored people like me. I'll be honest. Even if my W strays again, and I decide to not R, I'll have no regrets. I knew when I decided to R that there's no 100% gaurantee either she nor I will make a mistake. But I wouldn't trade the past two years of our life, post D-Day, for anything. I'm not going to spend days at the beach with her, or nights out on the town with her, thinking about the worst possible outcome. That's no way to live. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMcClaine Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Statistically speaking...odds are that some percentage of those who post on LS will be struck by lightning this year...that doesn't cause me to run and shut the internet off. That's a really good point. Because the odds of both of these events are pretty much the same. Kudos. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 That's a really good point. Because the odds of both of these events are pretty much the same. Kudos. Odds of which events...being struck by lightning, being cheated on again, or regretting ignoring you? Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMcClaine Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Possibly. Thank goodness that you're here to let betrayed spouses know that their wayward spouse might cheat on them again, otherwise we might never have considered such a possibility. Whew. Great service you're performing here. There's also a statistically reasonable chance that you'll be cheated on in your future and you might just wish you hadn't ignored those that cautioned you about thinking that some fortitude and effort could have prevented it. That's cool man. I'm gonna go find me a good woman who's cheated before because now she's learned her lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMcClaine Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Odds of which events...being struck by lightning, being cheated on again, or regretting ignoring you? Being struck by lightning and being cheated on by someone who has cheated on you before. Pretty good comparison. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 I'll be honest. Even if my W strays again, and I decide to not R, I'll have no regrets. I knew when I decided to R that there's no 100% gaurantee either she nor I will make a mistake. But I wouldn't trade the past two years of our life, post D-Day, for anything. I'm not going to spend days at the beach with her, or nights out on the town with her, thinking about the worst possible outcome. That's no way to live. This! This is where I am at right now. I refuse to regret the last fivish years. Last year we went together as a famiy to Disneyland. Had a fantastic vacation! That may or may not have happened otherwise. Yup, I won't let go of the good moments. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Being struck by lightning and being cheated on by someone who has cheated on you before. Pretty good comparison. OK...so you're saying that odds of being cheated on by someone who cheated on you before are comparable to the odds of being struck by lightning? Damn...I'm feeling better about my decisions already! THANKS FOR POSTING!!! :) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 See, even betrayed spouses can't maintain good boundaries. Now we both have to re-read a chapter on boundaries from 'Not Just Friends.' Way to go, Fluttershy. I will have to buy a new one... Mine "accidently" fell into the fireplace. Lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 "I hope|pray when you make mistakes in your life that people don't dispose of you." Didn't you know? Apparently there are people walking around who have achieved perfection. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 That's cool man. I'm gonna go find me a good woman who's cheated before because now she's learned her lesson. Joke about it if you like. Sarcasm doesn't make your arguments any more valid. I doubt many people would seek out a former wayward but it's perfectly reasonable to think that a former wayward that has learned their lesson is just as safe of a bet as someone that's been betrayed or someone with no experience at all. I'm not kidding about that at all and you have yet to make a good argument that a non-wayward is less of a risk. I wouldn't rule out dating a former wayward provided that she could be honest about it and has done the right introspection. There are some former OW that I think would also qualify because they've learned that these things never end well and would never be party to a triangular relationship again. Sadly, those that haven't experienced infidelity can be remarkable naive about boundaries and their own strength (which is how most of affairs start). Story after story here begins with a wayward saying, "I never thought I would be a person to cheat but..." I've been down the path of doing everything possible to pick a "good woman." You conveniently ignored that story, admitted to having no better system, and yet still sit here in judgment of those that have faced it and made the best choice for them. Quit acting like you have all the answers. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 This! This is where I am at right now. I refuse to regret the last fivish years. Last year we went together as a famiy to Disneyland. Had a fantastic vacation! That may or may not have happened otherwise. Yup, I won't let go of the good moments. I agree. Many BSs are just making the best of a bad situation. Your choices are to stay with a wayward (not great), divorce (also not great and no guarantee of avoiding future betrayal), or never have another relationship (perhaps the worst case). Many stay, put their best foot forward, take a calculated risk, and pride themselves in the fact that no matter what happens, they did the best they could for all the parties involved (and thus have no regrets about giving a second chance to a person that's truly remorseful). Again, there's no shame in trying to preserve your family. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 I agree. Many BSs are just making the best of a bad situation. Your choices are to stay with a wayward (not great), divorce (also not great and no guarantee of avoiding future betrayal), or never have another relationship (perhaps the worst case). Many stay, put their best foot forward, take a calculated risk, and pride themselves in the fact that no matter what happens, they did the best they could for all the parties involved (and thus have no regrets about giving a second chance to a person that's truly remorseful). Again, there's no shame in trying to preserve your family. There is...perhaps...some shame in staying if you truly don't rebuild/reconcile the marriage. That has got to suck. But staying after the marriage has been rebuilt, the relationship restored? I'm good with it. As I've said in another thread...if we weren't reconciled...I have the choice to be out. If I wasn't happy with where my marriage was this morning when I woke up...I could have decided that I've had enough, and ended it. My wife retains that same option, every day, every minute. Knowing that...and yet waking up every morning to a good relationship that we both enjoy...doesn't shame me in the least. For those that don't think it's possible...you've not lived my life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Joke about it if you like. Sarcasm doesn't make your arguments any more valid. I doubt many people would seek out a former wayward but it's perfectly reasonable to think that a former wayward that has learned their lesson is just as safe of a bet as someone that's been betrayed or someone with no experience at all. I'm not kidding about that at all and you have yet to make a good argument that a non-wayward is less of a risk. I wouldn't rule out dating a former wayward provided that she could be honest about it and has done the right introspection. There are some former OW that I think would also qualify because they've learned that these things never end well and would never be party to a triangular relationship again. Sadly, those that haven't experienced infidelity can be remarkable naive about boundaries and their own strength (which is how most of affairs start). Story after story here begins with a wayward saying, "I never thought I would be a person to cheat but..." I've been down the path of doing everything possible to pick a "good woman." You conveniently ignored that story, admitted to having no better system, and yet still sit here in judgment of those that have faced it and made the best choice for them. Quit acting like you have all the answers. Great post! I would add that a former betrayed spouse would also make a good bet for a potential long term partner. I have no desire to ever be with someone who was so naively or smugly clueless to think that they would never cheat and I tend not to pay much attention to those who say they wouldn't UNLESS they have somehow been directly impacted by infidelity as a BS, WS or even an AP. If someone has learned and grown from it, they may be a better bet than those who are naive. Everyone always assumes infidelity happens to someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ap22 Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 I'll be honest. Even if my W strays again, and I decide to not R, I'll have no regrets. I knew when I decided to R that there's no 100% gaurantee either she nor I will make a mistake. But I wouldn't trade the past two years of our life, post D-Day, for anything. I'm not going to spend days at the beach with her, or nights out on the town with her, thinking about the worst possible outcome. That's no way to live. Once the initial shock wore off from dday, I told my WW she is free to do whatever she wants. I broke her phone when I saw the text that busted her, I canceled her facebook and changed her email password that day too. I gave them all back. I told you here you go, do whatever you want. You have a good man, great kids, and a life most would kill to have. You tried to screw it up and you need to thank your lucky stars I'm still here. Its hers to screw up if she wants. If she does, no regrets. I can walk away knowing I did everything I could to keep my family together. I dont watch her like a hawk or police everything she does. I dont trust her but I act like I do. I dont fear her cheating on me. If she wants to, go for it. I made if absolutely clear why I stayed. I made it even clearer that she is very lucky to get a second chance. There will not be a third. Period. Her infidelity didnt destroy me, she doesnt have the ability to destroy me. I know she will never come close to having anyone like me. It would be her loss, not mine. So our Die Hard fan is going to come on here and say what I'm doing is weak? No man, thats strength. Yippie Kai-yay MotherF'er 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 For a person with a strong view against cheating, who views others as extensions of themselves, redemption is only a theory, then I could see how they might find shame. Personally, having been a person who has not always done the right thing, I do know that if a person truly is mortified at their choices, they can transform. Not only themselves but their views, their joy, their empathy, their capacity for understanding and all their relationships. It involves dissecting themselves, looking at our own faults, misconceptions, past hurts. So, that for me...there is no shame in staying...only giving to another worthy soul what was given to me. The opportunity to rebuild a stronger, safer, loving, caring and AWARE self. Eyes wide open to all the pitfalls that lie before all of us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMcClaine Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 I dont trust her but I act like I do. Wow. Just...wow. Link to post Share on other sites
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