Is there shame in staying?

[Eau Claire]

I have spoken to quite a significant number of betrayed spouses who, after a time, state that they felt ashamed for a period that they stayed with their wayward spouse.

 

 

I am interested in at what point, for how long one might have experienced this.

 

 

Though my personal experience of the fallout of my husbands near four year affair was a considerably long time ago, I do recall feeling some discomfort in the consideration that I might have been 'weak' in my choice to stay and rebuild. The feeling was fleeting, but enough to channel my internal analysis.

 

 

Of course, the fact is that it is often a greater effort to remain and repair the damage of infidelity than to concede defeat and leave.

 

 

What are/were your perceptions of such a thought, if any?

 

Of course there is shame. You have it.

 

I personally have more self respect than to stay if this happened to me. I am not a mouse dependent on a weasel for my life. I have the strength to go out into the world As an adult. I would certainly feel shame if I had no inner strength to take charge of my own life.

 

As for making an effort to make things better. Nothing noble in that. It also takes an effort to dig a hole and fill it in again. Nothing accomplished at the end. Use the energy in that effort to make your own life.

 

In 2 or 5 or 10 years you will still feel lousy...insecure. You will just be older and most likely would have been well on you way to better things if you had ended things.

[JohnMcClaine]

Of course there is shame. You have it.

 

I personally have more self respect than to stay if this happened to me. I am not a mouse dependent on a weasel for my life. I have the strength to go out into the world As an adult. I would certainly feel shame if I had no inner strength to take charge of my own life.

 

As for making an effort to make things better. Nothing noble in that. It also takes an effort to dig a hole and fill it in again. Nothing accomplished at the end. Use the energy in that effort to make your own life.

 

In 2 or 5 or 10 years you will still feel lousy...insecure. You will just be older and most likely would have been well on you way to better things if you had ended things.

 

^^^^^^This.

[BHsigh]

It could just as easily happen with the next person, no matter how innocent they seem. Some may very well feel safer with a fWS that has learned from the experience rather than with someone that has no experience with infidelity.

 

You have a better chance staying with a remorseful FWS that has fixed themselves and won't do it again than going out and trying again with a new broken person.

 

But to each their own. I know that if I divorce, I would not be in another relationship again. Unlike you, I don't have rose colored glasses that everyone else out there plans on being faithful.

 

That u know of. Think of all the secret affairs that people never find out about... Or ONS.

 

Wow, us BS's really do have a broken mind set, don't we. We all constantly say things like this.

 

This may not be the main reason's that we stay with our WS's, but just the fact that it's mentioned so many times is a big indicator that it's an underlying issue with us.

 

I wonder why? Is it an attempt by our mind to make us feel better about staying with a known cheater, repentant or not?

 

"The devil that you know is better than the devil that you don't" maybe?

 

Maybe the image of our species really is so broken in our minds that we can't conceive of there being any good people left in the world. <--- this is me btw.

[Fluttershy]

I often wonder why others want to shame those that stay. Instrad of saying "for me staying was not the choice" or "I couldn't stay but kudos to those that do" they say "people who stay are weak, pathetic, cowardly, ect".

 

I get the feeling that these strong feelings not about themselves but projected at ALL who reconcile are more telling of their own character flaws and perhaps, if they did walk intead of stay, their own shame at throwing in the towel. Otherwise why would they have such a need to want to shame those who R????

 

Or they are just jaded nasty people who refuse to see the variables in life and just want everyone to think and feel like them so they have to degrade other people for choosing different. Basic human nature.

[JohnMcClaine]

I get the feeling that these strong feelings not about themselves but projected at ALL who reconcile are more telling of their own character flaws and perhaps, if they did walk intead of stay, their own shame at throwing in the towel. Otherwise why would they have such a need to want to shame those who R????

 

Or it could just be that people like us have dignity and self-respect, and have seen first hand what infidelity does to loved ones and ourselves. If you want to be in denial and claim that someone who is walking away from a unfaithful partner is "throwing in the towel", more power to you.

[Fluttershy]

Wow, us BS's really do have a broken mind set, don't we. We all constantly say things like this.

 

This may not be the main reason's that we stay with our WS's, but just the fact that it's mentioned so many times is a big indicator that it's an underlying issue with us.

 

I wonder why? Is it an attempt by our mind to make us feel better about staying with a known cheater, repentant or not?

 

"The devil that you know is better than the devil that you don't" maybe?

 

Maybe the image of our species really is so broken in our minds that we can't conceive of there being any good people left in the world. <--- this is me btw.

 

 

It isn't a broken mindset it is reality. But I am not like you. I am not afraid to love and be loved despite the risk. Because thr day to day joy is worth it.

 

The reality is you can't control others behaviour. And in my case only four people know of the affair. The other couple, my bff and his bff. Everyone else thinks we are a couple untouched by infidelity. Go to a AP forum and you will see tons of uncaught WS. Could make you paranoid but i chose to just have my ees wide open.

[Sub]

I often wonder why others want to shame those that stay. Instrad of saying "for me staying was not the choice" or "I couldn't stay but kudos to those that do" they say "people who stay are weak, pathetic, cowardly, ect".

 

I get the feeling that these strong feelings not about themselves but projected at ALL who reconcile are more telling of their own character flaws and perhaps, if they did walk intead of stay, their own shame at throwing in the towel. Otherwise why would they have such a need to want to shame those who R????

 

Or they are just jaded nasty people who refuse to see the variables in life and just want everyone to think and feel like them so they have to degrade other people for choosing different. Basic human nature.

 

Some people want others to share in their misery. They also want to be able to say "I told you so" if something goes awry. People LOOOOVE saying "I told you so."

[Fluttershy]

Or it could just be that people like us have dignity and self-respect, and have seen first hand what infidelity does to loved ones and ourselves. If you want to be in denial and claim that someone who is walking away from a unfaithful partner is "throwing in the towel", more power to you.

 

Nothing wrong with "throwing in te towel" and very muh needed in many instances.

 

But why so arrogent and nasty? Like really? What does it benifit ou to think you are better than someone who stays. I most certainly am not better than those that go. Affairs are one of the most widely accepted reason to freely walk without judgement. But, then you see people who don't just think walking is ALWAYS best but critisize, demean and shame those that stay. Why?

[RightThere]

I feel shame for staying during the "fake" reconciliation process. I was trying but my other half was not. I did not recognize at the time that we were not repairing anything, especially because she was still in contact with the OM. I was bearing my soul, and she was indifferent.

[BHsigh]

It isn't a broken mindset it is reality. But I am not like you. I am not afraid to love and be loved despite the risk. Because thr day to day joy is worth it.

 

The reality is you can't control others behaviour. And in my case only four people know of the affair. The other couple, my bff and his bff. Everyone else thinks we are a couple untouched by infidelity. Go to a AP forum and you will see tons of uncaught WS. Could make you paranoid but i chose to just have my ees wide open.

 

Oh, I'm not trying to insult you, I apologize if it came across like that. But it is a recurring theme with us BS's. Even you making the point that "It isn't a broken mindset it is reality" proves my question.

 

And I guess for me, there's been too many betrayal's in my life to ever trust anyone again. It's not that I'm afraid, it's that I see reality

[Ap22]

It's truly a testament to the times that we are living in when someone who advocates doing the right thing (i.e. leaving someone who destroys your relationship) is called out as being an internet tough guy. It's like I'm in the twilight zone.

 

So much fail in this post. First, you come off as being one of those "internet tough guys". Second, doing the right thing is different for every person. If you were cheated on by your spouse and you feel leaving was the right thing, then more power to you.

 

In my case, doing the right thing was staying. I have my reasons for staying and you had yours for leaving. I welcome you to walk a day in my shoes and not want to put a damn bullet through your head, and I'm not just talking about an affair. Dont talk to me about weakness or strength. I'm the strongest person I have ever met and I have the scars to show it. The fact that I am standing here is testament to that.

 

You think its easy staying in a marriage after your wife cheats on you? Its not buddy. While I agree that some stay because they are weak, others stay for different reasons. The hardest thing I have to do is wake up every damn day and try to reconcile with this woman. Like I said, I have my reasons for staying and they have nothing to do with weakness.

[Ap22]

I often wonder why others want to shame those that stay. Instrad of saying "for me staying was not the choice" or "I couldn't stay but kudos to those that do" they say "people who stay are weak, pathetic, cowardly, ect".

 

Or they are just jaded nasty people who refuse to see the variables in life and just want everyone to think and feel like them so they have to degrade other people for choosing different. Basic human nature.

 

 

People are bitter. Their ego was destroyed so they stroke it by putting down others. "I'm a big bad man for leaving and you are a weak small man for staying"......if you were such a big bad man, why did you get cheated on?

 

You cant generalize staying or leaving as strength or weakness. Some people leave because they are to weak to handle it and some stay because they are to weak to leave and dont want to be alone.

 

However, some people leave because they are strong and they will not allow themselves to be disrespected......but, others stay because they are strong and there is something greater than pride or ego getting them to stay.

 

I initially stayed because of my 5 year old daughter. Life as she knew it would have been changed drastically and forever. I wasnt ready to do that. I reconciled with my wife because I feel I can get past it and my daughter is more than worth it. If you think going through this is easy and for the weak, then the person thinking that is an absolute moron.

[BetrayedH]

...actually have some fortitude and put in some effort to find someone who won't do that...

 

What system do you have for this? I dated my wife for 5 years before I asked for her hand. It was another year and a half before we were married. It was then another 10 years before she started cheating. I took a lot of precautions to try to ensure that I wouldn't be part of the 50% of couples that divorce. I would say that 16 years of fidelity would count as fortitude and effort into finding someone that wouldn't do that.

 

I am since divorced and dating again. What system do I employ now? Who is the safe bet? Someone with no experience with infidelity (who probably knows nothing about boundaries, conflict-avoidance, or how easy it is for affairs to "just happen")? Perhaps a previous BS (except that I can attest to how broken we can become)?

 

I don't blame anyone who makes an attempt to reconcile with a truly remorseful wayward spouse. As has been said numerous times, there are no guarantees with anyone. No amount of fortitude and effort will ensure that the next partner won't cheat. It doesn't surprise me that someone might choose someone that has already learned their lesson. And frankly, you should quit being rude about it.

[JohnMcClaine]

Who is the safe bet?

 

Who knows? But I know that it wouldn't be someone who had already cheated on me.

[Fluttershy]

BH, i am sure you have been told this but... Your wife was a moron for not taking her second chance!

 

And if I am ever single and so are you... I'm moving to Florida (nothing to do with the weather)

[cozycottagelg]

People are bitter. Their ego was destroyed so they stroke it by putting down others. "I'm a big bad man for leaving and you are a weak small man for staying"......if you were such a big bad man, why did you get cheated on?

 

You cant generalize staying or leaving as strength or weakness. Some people leave because they are to weak to handle it and some stay because they are to weak to leave and dont want to be alone.

 

However, some people leave because they are strong and they will not allow themselves to be disrespected......but, others stay because they are strong and there is something greater than pride or ego getting them to stay.

 

I initially stayed because of my 5 year old daughter. Life as she knew it would have been changed drastically and forever. I wasnt ready to do that. I reconciled with my wife because I feel I can get past it and my daughter is more than worth it. If you think going through this is easy and for the weak, then the person thinking that is an absolute moron.

 

You are putting him down just as you felt he was putting you down.

 

Tensions run high when people don't make the same decisions we ourselves make, it leaves room for questions and doubt. Everyone is different.

[janedoe67]

You are putting him down just as you felt he was putting you down.

 

Tensions run high when people don't make the same decisions we ourselves make, it leaves room for questions and doubt. Everyone is different.

 

Which is why people should take care of their side of the street and shut up about the choices of others.

[Owl]

Who knows? But I know that it wouldn't be someone who had already cheated on me.

 

I know I'm going to regret this...'cause you can't force another to see your viewpoint if they don't want to.

 

Have you considered the thought that perhaps someone who cheated...saw the emotional consequences of their actions on their spouse, on their family...might actually have learned from their actions, and actually become a SAFER bet than some young, inexperienced twitterhead that never learned the value of boundaries by going through a hard, painful lesson?

 

I'm figuring you may have been a child once. Were you born omniscient (look it up), or were you like the rest of the world and learned many of your lessons by painful experience? Were you more likely to stick your finger in the spokes of your bike wheel after the first time you did it and got hurt, or less?

 

As far as 'shame'...shame is for the person who did something wrong. For the person who hurt someone else with their actions, their attitudes. I reconciled with my wife after her EA. I feel absolutely no regret, nor shame. Anyone who feels that I should...well, is not only wrong, but probably not someone I'd care about their opinion anyway.

[JohnMcClaine]

Have you considered the thought that perhaps someone who cheated...saw the emotional consequences of their actions on their spouse, on their family...might actually have learned from their actions, and actually become a SAFER bet than some young, inexperienced twitterhead that never learned the value of boundaries by going through a hard, painful lesson?

 

Considering that most who cheat are likely to do it again, yes. It's staggering how many times I've read this half*** justification for remaining with an unfaithful partner. Seriously, read that you just wrote again.

[Fluttershy]

Considering that most who cheat are likely to do it again, yes. It's staggering how many times I've read this half*** justification for remaining with an unfaithful partner. Seriously, read that you just wrote again.

 

This is just your assumption based on what you have seen. I know countless stories of one time infidelity. But each situation is unique and needs to looked at as so. There are one time cheaters on here.

 

What you are talking about is all trust being lost neer to be regained. And if you feel that way then yes, you shouldn't reconcile. But to insult and call down others who in their own situations have stayed. That is uncalledfor. Personally, it doesn't make me question my descision. I am too far out to be affected by internet Know it alls. But tere are people who are fresh in it. And i find such cruel and cold judgements of others who are doing no wrong to be terrible. And should be called out.

 

It is okay to beliee for you a cheater gets no second chance. But please don't be so hateful and rude towars those who do.

[ClemsonTigers]

This is exactly the attitude I don't understand. You're basically just saying it's better to give up and remain with someone who has destroyed your relationship than to actually have some fortitude and put in some effort to find someone who won't do that, all because the new person "might" cheat on you too. Are you out of your mind?

 

People aren't disposable.

 

I hope|pray when you make mistakes in your life that people don't dispose of you.

 

In fact, when I'm helping betrayed husband's reconcile these common false bravado (masculinity) issues in their mind I often point out that statistically THEY are the most likely next spouse to cheat in the marriage. That unless they want to be considered a complete hypocrite they better start focusing on their own behavior and what their actions say about them being a man versus what their wife's behavior IMPLIES about it.

 

It's getting harder and harder to have a marriage without cheating. A repentant formerly cheating spouse is, in my opinion, a better bet than a 2nd, 3rd, 4th spouse. Also, it's not the "cheating' again" part that's the hardest part. That's just behavior that can be modified. It's the repentant part that's the challenge. It's more than just saying and being "sorry".

[JohnMcClaine]

I hope|pray when you make mistakes in your life that people don't dispose of you.

 

If cheating was a mistake, like leaving my house without my wallet, or going a little too fast into a sharp curve that I've never taken in my car before, then I should certainly hope not. Unfortunately, it isn't.

[BetrayedH]

BH, i am sure you have been told this but... Your wife was a moron for not taking her second chance!

 

And if I am ever single and so are you... I'm moving to Florida (nothing to do with the weather)

 

See, even betrayed spouses can't maintain good boundaries. Now we both have to re-read a chapter on boundaries from 'Not Just Friends.' Way to go, Fluttershy.

 

[Sub]

Considering that most who cheat are likely to do it again, yes. It's staggering how many times I've read this half*** justification for remaining with an unfaithful partner. Seriously, read that you just wrote again.

 

I'm curious about this logic: If cheaters are likely to cheat again, were they cheaters before they cheated as well? Did you not "put in some effort to find someone who won't do that" in the first place?

[JohnMcClaine]

I'm curious about this logic: If cheaters are likely to cheat again, were they cheaters before they cheated as well? Did you not "put in some effort to find someone who won't do that" in the first place?

 

True or false. There are relationships that have never seen infidelity.

 

You know the answer. Don't be mad about it.