Grin Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I dropped 14 year old son off at his dads house yesterday when nobody was home. Son snuck friend into the house and the 2 of them smoked (or tried to) exH's weed. He had left a jar of it in the garage, basically out in the open. His bong was apparently right there as well. Stepmom came home and noticed the friend sneaking out the side yard and then the strong odor of weed so she called dad at his shop; he then called me. I confronted our son, first on the phone and then in person, and he confessed.. said he just wanted to try it but he doesn't think he even used the bong correctly. He said this was his first time but only after I confronted the 2 boys together did I get the truth; they'd actually tried it 1 or 2 other times. Here's my big dilemma: my Ex is a big advocate of marijuana. He has his medical card and smokes regularly, presumably in front of son. He grows it right out in the open (backyard), he says for personal use, but really he sells most of it. He tells son that he sells to dispensaries so it appears more legitimate, but this is not true. He also owns a hydroponic shop where he sells all the product to grow marijuana without dirt, presumably so it's easier to grow inside without getting caught. He tells people that he has several big accounts (a hay farmer being one of them) to make it appear that it's not a shady operation, but it IS a shady op. I really fear he's sending the wrong message to our son, even with all the preaching he claims he's done about not smoking weed underage. How can you possibly convince a teenager that it's not ok to use at 14 when it is ok to use at 18? It's not even legal. My son knows where his father stands on the subject; he knows dad smokes all the time and that he helps other people be able to smoke all the time, many without cards.. he knows the whole thing is a shady op. He's not stupid. Now he is showing interest in it as well and I really don't know what to do. Something else I should mention is that it took a LOT of convincing to get son to even go over there this weekend. Even though the custody order states 50/50 it has not been anywhere near 50/50 the last 10 months or so. Son does not like to go over there because his dad is mean - he's a rager and my son hates the environment there. I'd already been thinking that I should try to get our order modified so I don't get in trouble for not forcing him to go, but after this incident yesterday I really feel like I should push for more custody. I don't want him living in this environment. Any suggestions or advice?
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Yeah. tell the cops, and don't make your son go over there. Tell your H that his son dislikes the atmosphere, so until he cleans up his act, you're applying to the court for sole custody. The man is breaking the law and exposing your son to an illegal activity. I'm sorry, but this is a no-brainer.... 4
HokeyReligions Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 This is a no-brainer. Get an attorney and file for full custody right now. 2
Author Grin Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 (edited) Yeah. tell the cops, and don't make your son go over there. Tell your H that his son dislikes the atmosphere, so until he cleans up his act, you're applying to the court for sole custody. The man is breaking the law and exposing your son to an illegal activity. I'm sorry, but this is a no-brainer.... As bad as it sounds, I don't want to sick the cops on him (unless I have to).. I don't really want to open that can of worms. Frankly don't know if it will do any good anyway. He's a liar and a sneak and will likely find a way to manipulate his way out of trouble. After all, he can legally grow at his house for his own use, and he can run a hydroponics shop. He'll hide the excess pot and that will be the end of that. I just want my kid away from that. I'd almost rather use it as leverage against him, so tell him that if he decides to openly fight me about custody then I'll lay all the cards out on the table in court. He won't want that. He is so worried about his own a$$ - that was his biggest complaint about yesterday's incident: that son's friend might tell people and then HE gets in trouble, or gets broken into and his stash get stolen. He wasn't all that bothered that son had smoked - he just told him that it's not good for teenagers; it messes with their minds or some BS, and to wait until he's 18 to decide. I'm scared of him because he is unpredictable and he rages. Mt biggest fear about the custody issue is that he will fight me solely because he doesn't want to may more in child support. Money is his main concern. It's all that drives him. There's been times throughout our divorce where I really worried he'd come after me. Edited January 25, 2014 by Grin
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 As bad as it sounds, I don't want to sick the cops on him (unless I have to).. I don't really want to open that can of worms. Frankly don't know if it will do any good anyway. He's a liar and a sneak and will likely find a way to manipulate his way out of trouble. After all, he can legally grow at his house for his own use, and he can run a hydroponics shop. He'll hide the excess pot and that will be the end of that. I just want my kid away from that. Quit making excuses for him. File a report, and you're the last person he'd expect to turn him in. They're not going to warn him about 'visiting' him, and possession is possession; they'll decide on whether the quantity is appropriate - and anything more than a few grammes will be enough to do it. I'd almost rather use it as leverage against him, so tell him that if he decides to openly fight me about custody then I'll lay all the cards out on the table. He is so worried about his own a$$ - that was his biggest complaint about yesterday's incident: that son's friend might tell people and then HE gets in trouble, or gets broken into and his stash get stolen. In that case, if he's worried, don't threaten him - Just do it. I'm wondering if you'd be of the same mind if you discovered your son had been snorting cocaine at his dad's house - I mean, FFS - what will it take?? 2
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I'm scared of him because he is unpredictable and he rages. Mt biggest fear about the custody issue is that he will fight me solely because he doesn't want to may more in child support. Money is his main concern. It's all that drives him. There's been times throughout our divorce where I really worried he'd come after me. This is therefore the problem, isn't it? You're scared of him and you want to keep him happy to keep getting the money.... Jeesh....poor kid.....! What a pair of parents! Look - you're his mother, you're supposed to do whatever it takes to protect him. Tell the cops all of this - that he terrifies you - so get an exclusion order too, right? And get the courts to compel him to keep paying. But most importantly - do WHATEVER IT TAKES - to protect - your - son!!! 1
Author Grin Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 Quit making excuses for him. File a report, and you're the last person he'd expect to turn him in. They're not going to warn him about 'visiting' him, and possession is possession; they'll decide on whether the quantity is appropriate - and anything more than a few grammes will be enough to do it. In that case, if he's worried, don't threaten him - Just do it. I'm wondering if you'd be of the same mind if you discovered your son had been snorting cocaine at his dad's house - I mean, FFS - what will it take?? I'm just scared. If he were snorting coke then I'd remove him immediately. Marijuana is bad but coke is worse, obviously. Dealing with him is scary, I'm sorry - it just is. He's unpredictable to anyone on his bad side and he's extremely manipulative. I know I have to do something and that's why I came here, for advice and backing. I can't do anything today since it's a weekend, so I figured I'd start here.
Author Grin Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 This is therefore the problem, isn't it? You're scared of him and you want to keep him happy to keep getting the money.... Jeesh....poor kid.....! What a pair of parents! Look - you're his mother, you're supposed to do whatever it takes to protect him. Tell the cops all of this - that he terrifies you - so get an exclusion order too, right? And get the courts to compel him to keep paying. But most importantly - do WHATEVER IT TAKES - to protect - your - son!!! Now you're just assuming. I don't get ANY money from him. None. I haven't in 8 months. I said that HE would fight because of the money. We have a child support order in place, he just hasn't paid because he's had financial troubles. HE won't want to give up custody because he won't want the order to be increased.
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 First thing tomorrow morning, take courage with both hands, and do it. I guess it must have taken courage to divorce him too, huh? Well you need to grab that courage by its britches and haul it out from under the bed - and deal with this. if not now - when? How about there's a sudden raid when your son happens to be there, and he gets caught up in all the flung crap? Don't let it happen.... Do it!! 1
Keenly Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Not really anything " illegal " going on here... What I want to know is why you'd drop a 14 year old off ALONE in a house you knew had pot in it, and then get mad when there is a bong sitting out when no one was home. How is he going to put it away if he is not home ? Why didn't you wait for the kids father yo be home ? I know he is fourteen now, but when I was a kid I lived with a stepfather that grew pot in the backyard and I had an uncle that also had a small operation. I have zero adult memory of this, and I chalk it up to the innocence of youth. But yeah my main concerns are leaving your son alone in a house you know has pot laying around, and then placing all the blame squarely on the husband. Have you actually talked to your son about pot ? Played down some rules like " I'm going to kick your ass if I catch you with that stuff ?"
Keenly Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 First thing tomorrow morning, take courage with both hands, and do it. I guess it must have taken courage to divorce him too, huh? Well you need to grab that courage by its britches and haul it out from under the bed - and deal with this. if not now - when? How about there's a sudden raid when your son happens to be there, and he gets caught up in all the flung crap? Don't let it happen.... Do it!! There wont be a raid. Card holders are not breaking any laws.
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 There wont be a raid. Card holders are not breaking any laws. So what's all this about then? He is so worried about his own a$$ - that was his biggest complaint about yesterday's incident: that son's friend might tell people and then HE gets in trouble, or gets broken into and his stash get stolen.
Author Grin Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 Not really anything " illegal " going on here... What I want to know is why you'd drop a 14 year old off ALONE in a house you knew had pot in it, and then get mad when there is a bong sitting out when no one was home. How is he going to put it away if he is not home ? Why didn't you wait for the kids father yo be home ? I know he is fourteen now, but when I was a kid I lived with a stepfather that grew pot in the backyard and I had an uncle that also had a small operation. I have zero adult memory of this, and I chalk it up to the innocence of youth. But yeah my main concerns are leaving your son alone in a house you know has pot laying around, and then placing all the blame squarely on the husband. Have you actually talked to your son about pot ? Played down some rules like " I'm going to kick your ass if I catch you with that stuff ?" Because his dad knew he was coming and supposedly locks everything up in the garage. He tries to keep everything hidden. He has a 3 year old daughter in the house as well, so doesn't want her finding things, and he doesn't want that stuff out in the open. Apparently he had left this jar out by accident earlier that morning. I had no reason to suspect there was anything accessible to him for the hour that he was there alone. He hasn't been there much lately, but rarely is he there alone. His wife doesn't work, and like I said, they have a young daughter that she stays home with. I was wrong to even bring him. Now I know that the problem with pot at his house is much larger than I even thought. Yes I talk to him. I tell him all the time about drugs and what they do to people. I have never ever suspected any use of ANYTHING on his part - he is a straight-A student and normally has his head in the right place. 1
Author Grin Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 There wont be a raid. Card holders are not breaking any laws. And this is where I fear his manipulation will come into play. He is "allowed" to have "some" there. He HAS a stash... I just found out yesterday that it's at least several pounds. I knew he grew but I don't know what each plant yields. No idea. I knew he grew enough to sell some, but I didn't know he had that much at his house.
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Things are obviously very different in the USA.... Possessing, growing and using weed in the UK, are all illegal, full stop/period, end of story. Does his 'card' give a limit as to how much he should be allowed to have? If he's exceeding that, I suggest you photograph it and take that evidence to the cops....
Keenly Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 And this is where I fear his manipulation will come into play. He is "allowed" to have "some" there. He HAS a stash... I just found out yesterday that it's at least several pounds. I knew he grew but I don't know what each plant yields. No idea. I knew he grew enough to sell some, but I didn't know he had that much at his house. Harvest time is around late October. Depending on how much you have, if you are doing it alone its going to take about a month to trim it all. Its going to take another 3 to 6 weeks for it to dry. Then he has to go around and find who is going to give him the fairest price. (, dealing with a dispensary is like dealing with GameStop ), and then its gone. Having as much as you have heard he is for this time of year is not unreasonable. Just giving info.
Author Grin Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 Things are obviously very different in the USA.... Possessing, growing and using weed in the UK, are all illegal, full stop/period, end of story. Does his 'card' give a limit as to how much he should be allowed to have? If he's exceeding that, I suggest you photograph it and take that evidence to the cops.... Yes it limits him. I'm not exactly sure of the amount, but I believe it's several ounces. Unless my son sneaks out there and photographs it, there's no way I'll be able to get a picture. If the bulk of it is locked up as it's supposed to be, then I think it'll be next to impossible to get one. He knows that son & I have enough dirt on him to NOT want either of us in court on the issue.. I think I at least have that in my favor.
Author Grin Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 Harvest time is around late October. Depending on how much you have, if you are doing it alone its going to take about a month to trim it all. Its going to take another 3 to 6 weeks for it to dry. Then he has to go around and find who is going to give him the fairest price. (, dealing with a dispensary is like dealing with GameStop ), and then its gone. Having as much as you have heard he is for this time of year is not unreasonable. Just giving info. He is not dealing with a dispensary, he only SAYS he is. He sells to the public.. owning a hydroponics store he obviously has all the contacts. Yes I believe it was a few months ago that he had friends over to help him trim (on a weekend when son wasn't there). I guess I should know this, but if one grows marijuana hydroponically, can't it be grown year-round and therefore harvested at any time during the year?
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I am still stunned by your prevarication and hesitation to do the right thing.... If you really, but really want to prevent your son from continuing to be influenced by this man, then you need to do something. All I can see is one excuse after another. Sorry, I'm just not on board with your line of thinking. 2
Author Grin Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 I am still stunned by your prevarication and hesitation to do the right thing.... If you really, but really want to prevent your son from continuing to be influenced by this man, then you need to do something. All I can see is one excuse after another. Sorry, I'm just not on board with your line of thinking. Ok fine. But I am here looking for input because I am going to do something. 1
Author Grin Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 (edited) What, exactly? I'm going to file for custody, but obviously I can't do it today. I don't know if I should state exactly what's happening or if I can just file without needing a reason (as long as dad doesn't fight it), but I'm going to. I am trying to figure out just how I am going to do things and came here looking for guidance and support. Btw, how was I prevaricating exactly? I have been truthful. Edited January 25, 2014 by Grin
lollipopspot Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 He knows that son & I have enough dirt on him to NOT want either of us in court on the issue.. I think I at least have that in my favor. OP, since you say earlier that money is his primary concern, and what he won't like is the possibility that he may have to pay child support if you get full custody, can you see if you can make an agreement with him to not make the son go over there, and also that he doesn't pay anything? You've got a bit of leverage against him, and he knows it. I would hate to enable him, but if that would work and you could manage it, maybe that's the best you can come up with right now, due to fear of him.
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 You need to grab the bull by the horns and "hurt" him where it will be a preventative 'pain'. You are afraid of his temper, anger and deceit. you need to find a way to cut him off at the knees on several levels, so that he is so occupied with bailing his own @s$ out, he won't have the time or energy to do anything vindictive, and couldn't even if he wanted to. You need to speak to someone who can advise you legally on precisely the best thing to do - for you and your son. You, specifically. because without you, your son is up schytt creek with no paddle. So make sure you protect yourself first. The rest will follow.... 1
Author Grin Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 You need to grab the bull by the horns and "hurt" him where it will be a preventative 'pain'. You are afraid of his temper, anger and deceit. you need to find a way to cut him off at the knees on several levels, so that he is so occupied with bailing his own @s$ out, he won't have the time or energy to do anything vindictive, and couldn't even if he wanted to. You need to speak to someone who can advise you legally on precisely the best thing to do - for you and your son. You, specifically. because without you, your son is up schytt creek with no paddle. So make sure you protect yourself first. The rest will follow.... Regarding the bolded above, yes I do need to do this. And here is where I need to be careful - my son and I both have discovered how sometimes looking for help can bite you in the a$$. Son had confided in his teacher that his dad is mean and mentioned an incident she felt warranted CPS being called, so to his surprise, she reported it. I understand they have an obligation, but it probably wasn't necessary, thus the reason CPS dismissed it. But... it was a can of worms, and it was totally unexpected. He just thought he was having a conversation with one of his favorite teachers. Just like last week when I went to my first counseling appt to try to deal with the ex/son drama and told her about some of the things that have been happening because I felt like otherwise I'd have to hide that it happened... and SHE said she had to report it. Big surprise. I told her it was a closed case so hopefully it will stay that way, because already my ex thinks son is who reported him. I just don't want to make things worse for us... That being said, this is why I worry. If I get legal help over this marijuana & custody issue, is there some obligation for my attorney (or court facilitator if I can't afford an attorney) to report it? I would just like my next steps to be more controlled and I'm afraid of what to say to whom and that it's gonna be taken out of my hands.
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