ExH grows marijuana, has card - 14 yr old son caught smoking

[Grin]

OP, since you say earlier that money is his primary concern, and what he won't like is the possibility that he may have to pay child support if you get full custody, can you see if you can make an agreement with him to not make the son go over there, and also that he doesn't pay anything? You've got a bit of leverage against him, and he knows it. I would hate to enable him, but if that would work and you could manage it, maybe that's the best you can come up with right now, due to fear of him.

 

Yes this would probably work.

[nittygritty]

Regarding the bolded above, yes I do need to do this. And here is where I need to be careful - my son and I both have discovered how sometimes looking for help can bite you in the a$$. Son had confided in his teacher that his dad is mean and mentioned an incident she felt warranted CPS being called, so to his surprise, she reported it. I understand they have an obligation, but it probably wasn't necessary, thus the reason CPS dismissed it. But... it was a can of worms, and it was totally unexpected. He just thought he was having a conversation with one of his favorite teachers. Just like last week when I went to my first counseling appt to try to deal with the ex/son drama and told her about some of the things that have been happening because I felt like otherwise I'd have to hide that it happened... and SHE said she had to report it. Big surprise. I told her it was a closed case so hopefully it will stay that way, because already my ex thinks son is who reported him. I just don't want to make things worse for us...

 

That being said, this is why I worry. If I get legal help over this marijuana & custody issue, is there some obligation for my attorney (or court facilitator if I can't afford an attorney) to report it? I would just like my next steps to be more controlled and I'm afraid of what to say to whom and that it's gonna be taken out of my hands.

 

You need to hire a family law attorney ASAP. It is possible that your son could be removed by CPS if you fail to protect him. An attorney can get an emergency temporary order for custody and/or advise you of what your legal options are.

 

Also, you would likely get full custody if you get your ex arrested for his illegal activities but you need to get legal advice about what to do from an attorney first.

[Grin]

You need to hire a family law attorney ASAP. It is possible that your son could be removed by CPS if you fail to protect him. An attorney can get an emergency temporary order for custody and/or advise you of what your legal options are.

 

Also, you would likely get full custody if you get your ex arrested for his illegal activities but you need to get legal advice about what to do from an attorney first.

 

Ya know, I hadn't considered that about CPS. It's true, I could find myself in hot water if I don't protect him from that environment. My son says he leaves the pot out all the time and that there's lots of it around. He has seen all the jars. This was news to me.

[HokeyReligions]

This is therefore the problem, isn't it?

You're scared of him and you want to keep him happy to keep getting the money....

Jeesh....poor kid.....! What a pair of parents!

 

Look - you're his mother, you're supposed to do whatever it takes to protect him.

Tell the cops all of this - that he terrifies you - so get an exclusion order too, right?

 

And get the courts to compel him to keep paying.

But most importantly - do WHATEVER IT TAKES - to protect - your - son!!!

I can't "like" again. So Ditto.

 

This is YOUR CHILD. Protect him.

Ditto.

[Radu]

As bad as it sounds, I don't want to sick the cops on him (unless I have to).. I don't really want to open that can of worms. Frankly don't know if it will do any good anyway. He's a liar and a sneak and will likely find a way to manipulate his way out of trouble. After all, he can legally grow at his house for his own use, and he can run a hydroponics shop. He'll hide the excess pot and that will be the end of that. I just want my kid away from that.

 

I'd almost rather use it as leverage against him, so tell him that if he decides to openly fight me about custody then I'll lay all the cards out on the table in court. He won't want that. He is so worried about his own a$$ - that was his biggest complaint about yesterday's incident: that son's friend might tell people and then HE gets in trouble, or gets broken into and his stash get stolen. He wasn't all that bothered that son had smoked - he just told him that it's not good for teenagers; it messes with their minds or some BS, and to wait until he's 18 to decide.

 

I'm scared of him because he is unpredictable and he rages. Mt biggest fear about the custody issue is that he will fight me solely because he doesn't want to may more in child support. Money is his main concern. It's all that drives him. There's been times throughout our divorce where I really worried he'd come after me.

 

He sounds like a narcissistic prick.

 

Whatever you do, your son needs to see the repercusions of these actions, or else you might end up growing someone who's life aspiration is to be a drug dealer.

 

Consult a lawyer about how best to procede with this, and what it would take for the police to consider him a drug dealer instead of someone who is 'disabled' and needs it.

[CC12]

Son had confided in his teacher that his dad is mean and mentioned an incident she felt warranted CPS being called, so to his surprise, she reported it. I understand they have an obligation, but it probably wasn't necessary, thus the reason CPS dismissed it. But... it was a can of worms, and it was totally unexpected. He just thought he was having a conversation with one of his favorite teachers. Just like last week when I went to my first counseling appt to try to deal with the ex/son drama and told her about some of the things that have been happening because I felt like otherwise I'd have to hide that it happened... and SHE said she had to report it. Big surprise. I told her it was a closed case so hopefully it will stay that way, because already my ex thinks son is who reported him. I just don't want to make things worse for us...

 

So two different people, who are legally required to report abuse or neglect, felt that your son's situation was serious enough to warrant reporting. If the 'drama' or 'incident' was/is abusive, it sounds like there are much deeper issues going on than the weed thing. Right?

 

That being said, this is why I worry.

 

Why are you worried if you're not doing anything wrong? If the alleged neglect/abuse is only happening at his dad's house, why do you think people reporting this is a bad thing?

 

You seem to be trying to cover stuff up or smooth things over, and I'm wondering what you have to gain from that. Could you explain?

 

If I get legal help over this marijuana & custody issue, is there some obligation for my attorney (or court facilitator if I can't afford an attorney) to report it?

Are you deliberately not seeking legal counsel because you're worried they might have to report you? Why?

[giblesp]

I smoked pot at 15, I was with friends in a park we drank alcohol and kissed girls. I was and am a musician and smoking pot went with the music and rebellion factor. Mainly the rebellion factor. The good news in the situation you're describing is that your son is in an environment where pot is tolerated. When something is 'no big deal' to an adult, it loses its attraction to an adolescent. What got me away from pot by my late teens was martial arts. Id really recommend enrolling your son in a martial arts class. This will teach him to defend himself and look good for the girls, 2 things more important than pot for a teenager, especially the latter.

[ASG]

Things are obviously very different in the USA....

Possessing, growing and using weed in the UK, are all illegal, full stop/period, end of story.

 

Does his 'card' give a limit as to how much he should be allowed to have?

 

If he's exceeding that, I suggest you photograph it and take that evidence to the cops....

 

But that's the thing. Laws are different everywhere.

In Portugal, it's only illegal to buy and sell drugs. It's not illegal to possess them or consume them (provided you only carry a "personal use" amount).

 

So theses days it's not uncommon to go into a bar and see (and smell) people smoking weed. With cops walking past as well.

 

In the US there is such a thing as medical marijuana and those people can buy an sell and consume and grow!

[carhill]

This thread brings to mind the story (from the early 80's) of the little boy who'd come to watch me work on my race car. 'What cha doin' mister?' was his usual way of greeting me. One day, he stopped walking from two doors down and I later heard that his father had gone to prison for growing marijuana in the family's backyard and selling it. Evidently, another neighbor reported him. The little boy lost his father for a few years.

 

Currently, our county ordinances are pretty strict about growing, so most people who grow are probably doing so illegally, even with Cali's 'medical marijuana' laws.

 

Since the OP's exH is alleged to have up to two pounds of processed marijuana in his possession at times, I doubt there are any 'medical' laws which permit such possession unless he's running a licensed dispensary and can provide care, custody and control documentation tying his stock to individual caregivers/patients production.

 

OP, IMO this isn't a marijuana issue, as such is widely debatable. It's more perpetrating illegal acts and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. In my area, all it would take is a mandatory reporter's advisory or, as in my story above, a concerned neighbor, and the local LEO's and CPS would be all over it. My fear for you would be if they could tie your knowledge and tacit approval by non-action to his illegal acts and remove the young man from both your custodies to a neutral third party, like foster care. I think that would be a poor solution but it is one risked, at least in my jurisdiction.

 

As an anecdote, a good friend who was unmarried but had positive paternity had to spend over 50K on legal fees to get his son away from the boy's drug-addicted mother, culminating in her coming to court high and the judge requiring her, on the spot, to take a drug test at a nearby testing facility, which returned positive. What a mess. An expensive mess.

 

Hope you fare better. Good luck.

[Grin]

So two different people, who are legally required to report abuse or neglect, felt that your son's situation was serious enough to warrant reporting. If the 'drama' or 'incident' was/is abusive, it sounds like there are much deeper issues going on than the weed thing. Right?

 

 

Why are you worried if you're not doing anything wrong? If the alleged neglect/abuse is only happening at his dad's house, why do you think people reporting this is a bad thing?

 

You seem to be trying to cover stuff up or smooth things over, and I'm wondering what you have to gain from that. Could you explain?

 

Are you deliberately not seeking legal counsel because you're worried they might have to report you? Why?

 

I just think it was a little unnecessary - CPS is extreme. I have heard horror stories about their involvement (not just for suspect parent) and therefore I think they shouldn't be called out for "minor" incidents. Teachers, therapists etc have to report ANY incident.. they don't get to pick and choose minor ones from major ones. CPS is called and just that quick it's taken outta my hands, and I had only just found out myself.

 

I'm not trying to cover anything up and I don't have anything to worry about myself. I'm not abusing him and I'm not a drug user and don't have drug-user friends. I am not "deliberately not seeking legal counsel" - I am going to, but it's now Sunday & I can't do anything but research on the computer. I don't know why I am afraid to lay it all out to the courts about what his dad is up to.. I just am. My first priority is to keep my son away from that house. He hasn't wanted to go over there anyway because he doesn't like the environment or his dad's temper, so between that and the new goings-ons, I have enough reason to keep him from going back.

 

Whether or not I get a court order immediately or not is the question. Certainly I could, but if I can accomplish the same thing by just keeping my son away from that house, then I'm wondering if it's really necessary to stir the pot. I highly doubt my ex is going to go to court to fight me on this because he knows he's running a shady op. My son told me yesterday that dad leaves pot out all the time.. it's not a fluke that a jar was sitting out in the open in the garage. He's seen his dad smoking that same bong that he and his friend used on Friday. It's not as hidden and protected as my ex tries to claim.

 

With all these facts I really can't see my ex pitching a fit about his visitation. But... I could just file on his and hopefully get a custody modification, although that's not a guarantee. Like I said, he's slick and manipulative and is good at talking his way out of sticky situations. He can totally minimize the marijuana thing and then he'll put the "medicinal" card and lay on a little "poor me" topped with a crying spell. I'm all too familiar with it. Also, if I present this to the courts I'm going to have a nightmare ex on my hands. I can essentially accomplished the same thing without a custody modification it seems. I don't know.. these are just some things I am considering at the moment. I'm sure an attorney will shed some light.

[Grin]

I smoked pot at 15, I was with friends in a park we drank alcohol and kissed girls. I was and am a musician and smoking pot went with the music and rebellion factor. Mainly the rebellion factor. The good news in the situation you're describing is that your son is in an environment where pot is tolerated. When something is 'no big deal' to an adult, it loses its attraction to an adolescent. What got me away from pot by my late teens was martial arts. Id really recommend enrolling your son in a martial arts class. This will teach him to defend himself and look good for the girls, 2 things more important than pot for a teenager, especially the latter.

 

I don't know that this is good news. He is going to end up being a pot-smoker if he follows in his dads shoes. How could he not? He is highly influenced over there - it's all around him. Pot is a gateway drug... he could start with it and then move on to harder drugs, or pills. His dad used to have a vicodin addiction, maybe still does. He still has the neck pain so I'm betting he has RX's for pain pills. He told me he has Norco at the house and that he really didn't want the boys to find that because supposedly its highly sought after and "can sell for $5 per pill on the streets" (his words). He claimed it was locked up but who knows. No idea if this is his RX or not... I really don't know what the hell is going on over there, I just want my kid outta that scene.

[carhill]

Another way to look at this is that, given the young man's age, socialization by parents has largely concluded and now guidance into peer integration, witnessed by 'the friend' who snuck into father's home and smoked weed with son, has taken the forefront. Tough time. If son doesn't smoke weed at dad's house, if he's doing that already, he'll be doing it somewhere else and has aligned with other peers who smoke weed, evidenced by the 'friend'.

 

Dad still serves as the 'pro-marijuana' role model, in addition to other aspects of role-modeling, like 'raging', outlined in the thread, as does the OP in her role model aspects. That said, with the boy entering what I call the 'ef you mom and dad' stage, which nearly all young men go through, role modeling generally becomes secondary to peer popularity and acceptance. Tough row to hoe when it goes down this path.

 

If the boy is like any of my friend's grandsons, take away his smartphone and focus on his school work and related activities. This presumes he doesn't pay for his phone/data service himself, as few kids these days do. Not enough work and too much play. Dad probably won't support that. The person who cares the least usually wins but IMO the fight is worth it. It's a young man's future. Good luck.

[Grin]

OP, IMO this isn't a marijuana issue, as such is widely debatable. It's more perpetrating illegal acts and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. In my area, all it would take is a mandatory reporter's advisory or, as in my story above, a concerned neighbor, and the local LEO's and CPS would be all over it. My fear for you would be if they could tie your knowledge and tacit approval by non-action to his illegal acts and remove the young man from both your custodies to a neutral third party, like foster care. I think that would be a poor solution but it is one risked, at least in my jurisdiction.

 

 

And this is a real concern for me as well. Someone else here had posted about this yesterday and up until that point I hadn't really considered it. If CPS got wind that this was going on at his place and I did nothing about it, I'd have a much larger and scarier battle on my hands.

 

On a side note, I really can't believe I'm even dealing with this. I don't even know my ex... I don't think I really ever knew him to be honest. Who I thought I married and who really he is are clearly two totally different people. This whole shady side business BS he has going on is something I never could have guessed I'd be facing with regards to the environment he provides for our son.

[Grin]

Another way to look at this is that, given the young man's age, socialization by parents has largely concluded and now guidance into peer integration, witnessed by 'the friend' who snuck into father's home and smoked weed with son, has taken the forefront. Tough time. If son doesn't smoke weed at dad's house, if he's doing that already, he'll be doing it somewhere else and has aligned with other peers who smoke weed, evidenced by the 'friend'.

 

Dad still serves as the 'pro-marijuana' role model, in addition to other aspects of role-modeling, like 'raging', outlined in the thread, as does the OP in her role model aspects. That said, with the boy entering what I call the 'ef you mom and dad' stage, which nearly all young men go through, role modeling generally becomes secondary to peer popularity and acceptance. Tough row to hoe when it goes down this path.

 

If the boy is like any of my friend's grandsons, take away his smartphone and focus on his school work and related activities. This presumes he doesn't pay for his phone/data service himself, as few kids these days do. Not enough work and too much play. Dad probably won't support that. The person who cares the least usually wins but IMO the fight is worth it. It's a young man's future. Good luck.

 

Thank you. Yes I agree - too much play and too much downtime without really earning it. He has chores, but they're really not difficult and the list isn't long enough. I will add to what he already does and I will make some changes with regards to his phone and computer freedom. He does get straight-A's... that is one thing I'm grateful for, that his grades are important to him, even without excessive prodding from me. I don't think that he smokes regularly.. I do believe it's more dappling than anything else. There's never been any other indication. I'm not naive though.. I know how sneaky kids are so I am going to start randomly drug testing him. I have been researching their reliability and there are good ones out there. He will know in advance that his life will be hell if he doesn't make the right decisions.

[Sunlight72]

Hi Grin,

I'm sorry to read of this whole situation, and really sorry I didn't read it sooner!

 

I'm not sure where you live. I live in Colorado where we have had a medical marijuana law for a few years.

 

I am also a parenting class teacher with our local social services program.

 

Some families take the classes because they are court ordered, so I have a general impression of some legal steps that could be coming in this type of situation here in Colorado.

 

I hope by now you have been able to talk to social services or a family law attorney. I really hope so. They will know better what to do.

 

This is really serious. I am glad you are taking it seriously.

 

I am sorry your ex is so emotionally threatening. That is a scary place to be for you or your son.

 

The poster who said you could be seen as attributing to the deliquency of a minor by inaction is right (as I understand it to be).

 

Minors cannot legally be around marijuana (in Colorado). No further details matter.

 

This is no longer a private issue, this is seen by the courts as a legal issue now. Now is the time to report this to the police or social services (who will then involve the police). It happened a few days ago. You can still explain that it was the weekend and you couldn't start things right away. The longer you wait, the more of an accomplice you are (I think - please consult an attorney or social worker in your jurisdiction).

 

The other HUGELY IMPORTANT element in reporting this is that it will then be investigated and recorded now, when it happened. This will make all the difference in the world if/when anything else happens.

 

At this moment, your ex created the (as the courts see it) unsafe environment. You can still explain that you didn't realize how available marijuana was at his house, etc.

 

Do you see? You are a responsible parent, trying to raise your son in a legal framework. Your ex is shady, engaging in illegal activity. Two separate households, two separate sets of morals.

 

However, if you let this go by without reporting it now, you become shady as well.

 

In the future something more serious may happen, and if you don't report this now there will be no established history of your ex's behavior exposing your son to an illegal and/or unsafe environment. That will make it much harder to show why your son shouldn't be with his dad and the court may order you to deliver your son to his dad for visitation (for instance).

 

Also, if something more serious happens with your son and mistreatment by his dad, or your sons involvement with marijuana in the future, and you haven't reported this current incident but it comes to light later, when the courts are deciding to give you custody they could question if you should be trusted with your son's care, and possibly take him away from both you and your ex and send your son to a foster home.

 

At this current time though, at least from what I have seen, this is still a one-time event from the courts' perspective. That means you are likely to have a lot of input and influence and will likely be listened to during any fall out. That will go away if you don't report this now.

 

I hope for the best for you and your son.

 

Please don't let this "blow over". Please act promptly.

 

Your son's life is going to be greatly determined by what you do in the next week. Be brave for him

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[Sunlight72]

Not really anything " illegal " going on here...

Exposing a minor to a controlled substance (2 counts, one for each minor). Reckless endangerment of a minor (2 counts) - depending on the 'facts' as the courts find them this could be addressed to the father or the mother or both. Possession beyond the legal limit, Possession with intent to distribute (2 pounds sounds a lot like federal prison to me, but I am not a lawyer). If I were the ex-husband I'd be worried about the kid-friend telling someone too.

But yeah my main concerns are leaving your son alone in a house you know has pot laying around, and then placing all the blame squarely on the husband. Have you actually talked to your son about pot ? Played down some rules like " I'm going to kick your ass if I catch you with that stuff ?"

Good point. I don't know enough of the real details and history here to say, but I'm pretty sure it will become a sticky point of interest if Grin can't show she was truly unaware of the exposure.

 

Dropping off a 14 year old at his dad's house when expecting a parent to be home shortly doesn't strike me as unsafe behavior. Things could be better but Grin isn't an investigator, she is a parent legally bound to allow her son to be with his father. Did she have a recent phone conversation that a parent would in fact be home within the hour? I don't know. Had she dropped him off to an empty house before because the dad or step-mom had an unexpected delay but was home soon and no problems arose on those occasions so that Grin had reason to feel comfortable in her son's well being on this day? I don't know

 

If she had reason to expect her son to be hanging out with bongs and pounds of pot within a few feet of his idle hands, then I'd be worried for him and for her chances of maintaining custody. Quadruply worried for the dad's chances.

 

I just don't know enough about the details here to conclude much about that.

Edited January 28, 2014 by Sunlight72

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think your kid would suffer far more psychological damage if you went on the offensive and tried to get your ex locked up for growing weed in his backyard. In my opinion that would be a really c*nty move. Regardless of the legal aspect.

 

I mean, I understand it's not ideal, but he's not asking your son to smuggle heroin in his ashsole.

 

He sounds like a mediocre parent (at best) but to try to send him to prison IMO is not going to benefit anyone... except the for-profit prisons we've got here in the US, filled with non-violent offenders like your ex-husband.

 

I am frankly astonished that this is what some posters are encouraging you to do.

 

What if your H brewed beer at home and was a heavy drinker? I doubt the same posters would argue your son is better off with his dad locked up in that scenario. Marijuana is nowhere near as harmful as alcohol. I understand not wanting your son to be a pot-head, but destroying his father's life, IMO, is not the answer.

 

Whether or not he keeps hanging around your ex - he will be exposed to weed, that's a fact. I think the best you can do is set a better example. When it comes to drugs and alcohol, in my opinion, the most effective strategy is to offer more interesting alternatives. Get him involved in a sport or hobby so that he prefers sobriety.

 

The kids I grew up with who had stoner parents actually tended to be the ones who were the least interested in smoking.

 

I disagree with your assertion that marijuana is a "gateway" drug.