Slept with "him" after I left...

[Interested]

Hello everyone,

I just wanted some advice, if anyone can relate, to this emotional dilemma I'm experiencing presently. I dated a woman who I truly loved for about 4 year on and off. After exclusively seeing her for 6 months, I, because of emotional insecurity due to a traumatic experience as a child, strayed from our relationship after discovering letters she was writing her x for closure. I got angry and by no means am I justifying what I did, but we got passed that as she knew that I was emotionally scarred as a child by a woman. Our relationship became difficult for obvious reasons, but we did manage to really love each other and express it easily. But the deeper aspect is where we had our problems...I felt I lost her trust and this was making my world a bit too small. I would catch her questioning me here and there, but she never admitted it. She opened up to me and made me aware that the reason she was mistrusting was because I wasn't talking to her about a future and I understood that. My side was about how I felt completely guilty about my actions to her and I didn't know how to let it go. Add that guilt to the intimacy problems I had as a result of my molestation when 4 years old and you have a very insecure man who didn't know hot to fix it all. I say "had" because I decided last May to end it and go see a therapist and completely opened up to her about this internal problem I wanted to rectify. I told her that I needed to fix this or else I wasn't going to make her happy since I wasn't. I told her it had nothing to do with her and she told me she understood so I started talking to someone.

We kept in touch throughout these months since then and were close even though we weren't together so I was happy that I was reaching a point where I felt better personally and looked at us as good because of the letting go of the past. But now the hard part...you see, when we were together she became friends with this guy who I met and found to be very nice. We hung out and everything was cool. When I decided to go and better myself, I told her to please not let anything happen with him cause it would hurt me and she said not to worry as she didn't see him in that way. But now that we're talking she told me that she did allow things to happen, not once, but a "few times". She did this because the way she saw it, I didn't want to get serious and left, even though she heard my reason and told me she understood. Now I find myself completely angry at her and don't know what to do. This person hung out with us and came to our apartment and everything. I hate that I told her yet she did it anyway. And worse, we spent time together a lot since September, being sweet and all and very loving. But now she tells me that during that time she slept with some guy who has been interested in her since before I met her.

I, consciously, am aware of us not being exclusive since I did leave, but I can't seem to get over this. The second guy doesn't bother me, but the "friend" really breaks me apart. I do lover her and don't want to be hypocritical as I was also with women, but none that she knows which would create ugly images in her mind like what I'm going thru.

She wants to get together again, but I find myself very angry and disappointed at her. I don't want to be this way, but don't know what to do. It's like she gave me a big "**** you" with her decision to sleep with this guy I knew.

I want to be the bigger Man here and let it all go, but don't know how. She has cried and apologized and told me she did it cause she felt like I didn't want her and I get it, I really do, but I'm angry....very angry, while being very sad.

Any advice to help me get passed this would be greatly appreciated as I find myself still having feelings for her...

Thank you for listening.

[bicyclejunk]

hey man,

 

 

first of all, I don't believe in the "Scarred as a Child" stuff.

 

My mom used to yell at me a lot as a kid and I would do whatever I could

to please her and not get her angry and In turn, Became a Mouse at school,

scared to talk to girls, had no friends and a Super low self esteem.

 

But as I've gotten older i've realized that, That was Me as A child, It has NOTHING

to do with me as an Adult. I'm a grown-up. I can handle Myself. I can choose to

act out childhood or be a man.

 

Get over that "emotionally scarred as a child by a woman" stuff. It's not going to

help you in future relationships.

 

Just better yourself and stop going into the past. In this particular situation, I'd say

let it go until you can handle it a lot better. I got over My probs. and it's made

me a better adult and more comfortable in my adult life.

[GirlDown]

good for you bicycle!

 

granted some childhoods are worse than others, and not everyone can get over childhood experiences as succesfully as you did. some never recover.

 

still, that's great that you can live how you feel is right for you and not let the unchangeable past keep you from doing what you want. maybe you should be a motivational speaker or something.

 

[Interested]

Thanks Girldown...and for bicycle...i wasn't yelled at by my mom...I was sodomized by a woman who took care of me when my parents had to live over here (in the USA) for 4 years. My parents had to leave me as a newborn and I didn't see them until 4 years old. As I'm aware the I'm a man now, it took some therapy to help me get over certain emotional issues. More power to you and your scolding issues...but I wasn't asking you for you judgement or your inability to distinguish between my situation and yours.

I wasn't talking about my trauma...I was simply just talking about my present situation.

Thanks for nothing...

[daphne]

interested,

i'm sorry that you felt you had to justify a child hood trauma. some people feel the need to compete which is goofy since they don't know anything about you. i applaud you for getting help. it really took strength and courage to face it head on to improve th quality of your life. you did the right thing.

 

that being said, although i understand you are hurt and angry at your ex, please don't be a hypocritical monster about it. i've seen guys do that before. cheat on their girlfriends, hide it and when the girl comes clean about just dating someone else, kissing and on occasion cheating, the guy acts like a selfrighteous pri#$$ and punishes her because she was stupid enough to be honest.

 

don't be that guy. you can't expect her to be faithful when you weren't. it doesn't sound like you made any promises so she was just trying to make sense of things in her own way. as far as she knew, maybe you weren't coming back. maybe you were using this as an excuse. there are a lot of messed up liars out there, and also people who just need to move on. she ha no guarantees and it's unfair of you to hold her to unreasonable expctations.

 

please try to get past tyhis. i know it hurts. but if you've come this far, you can go a little farther yet.

 

peace out

[Chris_T.]

Originally posted by bicyclejunk

hey man,

 

 

first of all, I don't believe in the "Scarred as a Child" stuff.

 

My mom used to yell at me a lot as a kid and I would do whatever I could

to please her and not get her angry and In turn, Became a Mouse at school,

scared to talk to girls, had no friends and a Super low self esteem.

 

But as I've gotten older i've realized that, That was Me as A child, It has NOTHING

to do with me as an Adult. I'm a grown-up. I can handle Myself. I can choose to

act out childhood or be a man.

 

Get over that "emotionally scarred as a child by a woman" stuff. It's not going to

help you in future relationships.

 

Just better yourself and stop going into the past. In this particular situation, I'd say

let it go until you can handle it a lot better. I got over My probs. and it's made

me a better adult and more comfortable in my adult life.

 

Eureka! Now all those shrinks should throw their diplomas out the window, cause you have all the answers. SNAP OUT OF IT. Brilliant.

 

So glad you got over your mommy yelling at you all by yourself. Maybe being molested takes a little more?

 

Interested, good for you dude for getting help. I know it sucks to have those mental images in your head, but she really didn't do anything wrong. She had no idea if you would ever be back, ready to have a relationship with her. If you really love the girl, try to get past it. If you can't get past it, it will simmer inside and you'll make both hers and your lives miserable.

[gottalovethejungle]

I was in a similar situation. My ex had a girl from his past come into the picture. I was so jealous of her and it made me sick to my stomach to think about the two of them together.

 

My advice, if hearing these things is going to upset you so much, cut the ties. Don't contact her for awhile. Focus on yourself, no use hanging on to an unhealthy relationship that hurts you.

 

If it is truly meant to be she will seek you out.

[daphne]

gottalove,

kinda crazy advice since he broke up w/ her. but i guess that's the fantasy everyone has. no matter how you treat someone or whether you shut them down they'll come back.

 

right?

 

don't wait by the phone.

[Interested]

I just wanted to thank you guys for responding...it helped a lot. You guys, as I've often read here, have really sound advice which in its own way does help a lot. I appreciate it...

 

...as for my situation...you guys are so right...I have become a better, mentally healthier man, and I will not revert back to allowing the scared immature boy to ruin something I feel sincerely about...my feelings. I can only imagine what she must have felt when I left, even though it was for a positive reason. Daphne, I will not become this common "hypocritical monster" as you say...I think this will only make me digress all of the positive movement I have established within my heart and mind. So I will heed your advice and strictly focus on the fact that I do and truly care for her. A day at a time as they say...I have come this far...why turn back now.

 

Again, thank you for all your intelligent words...

[daphne]

i wish you the best. and i hope she can appreciate what you are doing and going through. if it's meant to be.. well you know the saying.

 

either way you will be good. getting rid of the demons isn't easy.