I’m becoming a little bit paranoid about his ex

[heyy]

I met my boyfriend and it was an instant connection, at least for me. On second date he asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed. He also insisted on becoming official on FB, which was kind of cute even though we were not teenagers. He started to mention meeting his folks and at that point I said “ whoa, hold on” I wasn’t born in US and meeting my boyfriend’s parents is a kind of a serious matter for me.

 

 

Things were getting serious within a month and I decided I no longer wanted to keep from him the fact I was unemployed. I was very successful at my previous job and closing of my department was as unexpected as hurtful. He turned this into big issue about me lying to him, but he got over it.

 

My boyfriend is catholic, has high morals, is very proper. I didn’t want to tell him right of the bat I was still legally married even though my husband and I were separated for 5 years. For important reasons we didn’t get around to getting through divorce and there was never a good time to bring up this subject. He found out on his own and when he confronted me about this, I knew I will probably loose him. This was 2 months into our relationship.

 

 

He wanted to have few days to think things over, and , because I didn’t want to loose him, I drove 110 miles distance between us like a madwoman. I showed up and jokingly said I hoped he didn’t think I was crazy and he replied that it was kind of stalkish. He made up that night, but he was already distant. I woke up with that bitter feeling I was called a stalker, so when he called me and told me he can’t be with a married woman, I wished him the best and mentioned something about not being meant for each other.

 

 

He started calling and writing how he can’t see his life without me in it, in any shape or form, so we started seeing each other as friends and resumed quickly to boyfriend and girlfriend status.

 

 

I’ve had few serious relationships, he had 2. He mentioned he was still talking via FB with his ex and I didn’t think I had any worries. I though it was occasional hi and bye. I asked him if he mentioned her about us and he said they never got to that subject. Around 5 months into being in the relationship, her name somehow came up and I asked again if he told her he was in the relationship with me. He said he mentioned he was dating someone, maybe the way he said it, maybe because I’m paranoid, the alarm went on and at that point I was dying to read their conversations.

 

 

I shamelessly read through essays of boring and long stuff until I read he question: “I see your pictures, you look happy and healthy. So who is the lucky lady?” On which he replied “the lucky lady is a girl I’m dating, I’m not sure if anything serious with come out out of this, but I have a lot of fun with her”. I honestly felt like someone kicked me in the stomach that day.

 

 

I was falling for him more and more each time we saw each other, we had an awesome time together, everything between us was perfect and then I learnt I was “ fun girl” We talked, he admitted he had feelings for her ( Like everybody else for their exes, he said) he told me he was happy with me and would want to continue to see me very much.

 

 

I told him I was not comfortable with them keeping in touch, or exchanging essays and he said he won’t give up their friendship. He mentioned few times there was nothing inappropriate between them and he couldn’t understand why I got upset. We weren’t able to compromise so we mutually decided to break up and wished each other all the best.

 

 

Few days later he started texting he misses me etc., he also asked if he stopped communicating completely with his ex would I consider to continue to see him again. I was mad for about a month, but decided to give us another chance.

 

 

Things from there began to be just perfect. I felt loved, happy and special for about 7 months since that conversation. I didn’t have any doubts and I’m not sure why I decided to check his computer. It didn’t look like he has been talking to her, unless they use something different than FB or yahoo, she sent him couple of emails, none starting with “ I haven’t heard from you for a while”

 

 

He reads notifications from FB about every single pic she puts out there, he doesn’t bother to check comments under my pictures. I read their conversations about 4 months into our relationship and they were exchanging their memories. He called her “ cutie” with those emails, joked about being “ yours truly” and how hot and steamy one particular night was they shared.

 

 

Now…I’m truly in pickle. I’m old enough not to live in the past, or snoop through computer, but stupid enough to do it anyway. I’m hurt that 4 months into our relationship when things were fresh and happy he had a need to flirt with his ex. Or rather meeting me was so insignificant he had memories of those hot and steamy nights. I thought our sex life was spectacular, but apparently not spectacular enough.

 

 

Any advice on how to brush her off my memory so I can at least hope I’m not a total paranoiac?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Edited January 26, 2014 by heyy

[ExpatInItaly]

There's still some unfinished business between them, it seems. Maybe that has faded now but in the beginning it's clear that they were in regular contact. He said he'd give up communicating with her - do you trust that he has done so?

There appears to be trust issues at the core of this. You sense he's been/being dishonest with you, but to be fair, you weren't honest with him either. That could have indeed planted a seed of doubt in his mind and made him question if a long-term relationship was a good idea.

 

Do you question his sincerity now? Also, does he know you're checking his computer? I'm just wondering how you're going about doing this. You've got his passwords, I assume?

[PegNosePete]

so I can at least hope I’m not a total paranoiac?

Well sorry to say but you are. You lied to him about MAJOR issues and he forgave you. But you couldn't deal with him having perfectly normal, platonic conversations with his ex? No wonder he doesn't want to take things particularly seriously with you any more. Are you really surprised by this? If a woman I was dating lied to me about being unemployed and married then I would certainly dial back on the seriousness too. And if she then told me that I couldn't talk to one of my female friends?? Well, that would be "goodbye" so I think your BF has been extremely forgiving. But now maybe he has simply had enough of being told how to act and who he can and can't talk to by someone who is certainly not pure as the driven snow.

 

Sorry but I think your own actions have caused him to be driven away, and now he's seeking attention from his ex instead.

[VeronicaRoss]

I agree with Peg. You really have a lot of growing to do to be ready for a serious (and stable) relationship. The lack of a divorce, the lying, the snooping, the strong reactions to innocuous information are signs you have a long ways to go. It's an over-used piece of advice I'm sure but I'd strongly advise therapy to help you deal head on with your life right now if you can afford it.

 

For starters, you aren't available to be taken 'seriously' as long as you're married.

 

I was concerned about his rushing things too. Forcing the relationship through it's stages very quickly is showing symptoms of being a long-term problem, it's a sign of someone who has something to hide or knows they aren't good at long-term relationships and try to 'seal the deal' as fast as possible to lock you in. You might want to look up symptoms of personality disorders to see if he matches anything. Or it might be just a quirk on his side. Worth checking out.

 

Either way, focus on getting a new job and taking care of yourself, including getting that divorce if you want to move on in life.