My girlfriend (ex) left me for her ex boyfriend - Really Upset

[RS5T]

Hey everyone, I wanted to post my experience on here regarding what happened a week ago with my ex-girlfriend. I'm 29 and she is 24. I am really having a difficult time with this so I value anyones input regarding my situation.

 

My ex girlfriend and I dated for the last 7 months. Our relationship was perfect. We got along great, loved each other, never had a fight, made each other laugh and all around loved spending time with each other. I met her online through one of the dating websites. When we first met, we hit it off instantly.

 

Two weeks ago, she completely changed. The once loving, caring, affectionate girl that I once knew was replaced by a cold, distant, unhappy girl. To make matters more confusing, I had brushed these signs off as a result of her very ill grandmother who passed away around the same time she started acting this way. I did not want to keep pushing her and asking her whats wrong. I did ask her once about the way she was acting but she just told me it was because her "grandmom just died".

 

Last Thursday, I asked if I could come over to see her. She said "sure" and when I arrived my world came crumbling down. When I walked into her apartment, she walked over to me, hugged me and started crying. I knew things were about to go downhill quick. She sat me down and told me that two weeks ago she had a dream about her ex boyfriend. She said that she repeatedly has this dream over and over. I did not ask for details because frankly I didn't want to know. She said that the next day after the dream she had, her ex boyfriend texted her out of the blue. She said "before I even opened the text I knew what it said". He broke up with her three years ago. She tried getting back with him shortly after the breakup but he did not respond. She told me that he opened the door in one day that took her three years to close.

 

From what I gathered, he just got out of a three year relationship with a girl and was missing my ex/wanted her back. It was after that first text where I believe she emotionally cut me off. I ended up staying the night and trying to talk to her and to find out why she would throw away, as she put it, "the perfect relationship" that we had. She told me it was "New love vs Old love" and that she still had feelings for him. I called out of work on Friday and stayed with her. Things seemed okay and she left for her parents house later in the day. The next day, Saturday, I recieved a phone call from her during the evening. As soon as I answered I knew it was bad. She said "I just can't do this anymore". I started getting upset (I was angry but I wasn't yelling, just telling her that I couldn't believe she was doing this). She didn't have much to say during the phone call other than "I can't help how I feel". I told her that this was it and that there was no communication after this. I've learned before that NC is the way to go.

 

I miss this girl so much. I approach every relationship with caution because I've been hurt before in the past. I've had my first love of two years dump me for my best friend. I thought this girl would NEVER do something like this to me. She's the one who first said "I love you". She's the one who put my picture up everywhere. She's the one who was so excited for her family and friends to meet me.

 

She told me this guy was her high school sweetheart so they must have dated for at least 3-4 years. I haven't had any contact with her since the phone call last Saturday. She sent me my headphones back in the mail and said "I want to respect you asking for space but I thought you might want these" and then finished the small note with "I am really truly sorry".

 

What happened? How did I become second place to an ex-boyfriend? I'm really shocked and hurt that she could do this to me. The range of emotions I've had the past week is insane. They are changing every 2 seconds. She's the one girl that I've dated that I thought would never do such a thing. I trusted her. All the other relationships I've had, I could see cracks forming. This time there was NONE. This hit me like a bolt of lightning out of the blue....

 

I really want her back but I know that's the wrong way to think about this now....

 

Thanks for listening guys and girls.

[TaraMaiden]

Hey everyone, I wanted to post my experience on here regarding what happened a week ago with my ex-girlfriend. I'm 29 and she is 24. I am really having a difficult time with this so I value anyones input regarding my situation.

 

My ex girlfriend and I dated for the last 7 months. Our relationship was perfect. We got along great, loved each other, never had a fight, made each other laugh and all around loved spending time with each other. I met her online through one of the dating websites. When we first met, we hit it off instantly.

 

Two weeks ago, she completely changed. The once loving, caring, affectionate girl that I once knew was replaced by a cold, distant, unhappy girl. To make matters more confusing, I had brushed these signs off as a result of her very ill grandmother who passed away around the same time she started acting this way. I did not want to keep pushing her and asking her whats wrong. I did ask her once about the way she was acting but she just told me it was because her "grandmom just died".

 

Last Thursday, I asked if I could come over to see her. She said "sure" and when I arrived my world came crumbling down. When I walked into her apartment, she walked over to me, hugged me and started crying. I knew things were about to go downhill quick. She sat me down and told me that two weeks ago she had a dream about her ex boyfriend. She said that she repeatedly has this dream over and over. I did not ask for details because frankly I didn't want to know. She said that the next day after the dream she had, her ex boyfriend texted her out of the blue. She said "before I even opened the text I knew what it said". He broke up with her three years ago. She tried getting back with him shortly after the breakup but he did not respond. She told me that he opened the door in one day that took her three years to close.

 

From what I gathered, he just got out of a three year relationship with a girl and was missing my ex/wanted her back. It was after that first text where I believe she emotionally cut me off. I ended up staying the night and trying to talk to her and to find out why she would throw away, as she put it, "the perfect relationship" that we had. She told me it was "New love vs Old love" and that she still had feelings for him. I called out of work on Friday and stayed with her. Things seemed okay and she left for her parents house later in the day. The next day, Saturday, I recieved a phone call from her during the evening. As soon as I answered I knew it was bad. She said "I just can't do this anymore". I started getting upset (I was angry but I wasn't yelling, just telling her that I couldn't believe she was doing this). She didn't have much to say during the phone call other than "I can't help how I feel". I told her that this was it and that there was no communication after this. I've learned before that NC is the way to go.

 

I miss this girl so much. I approach every relationship with caution because I've been hurt before in the past. I've had my first love of two years dump me for my best friend. I thought this girl would NEVER do something like this to me. She's the one who first said "I love you". She's the one who put my picture up everywhere. She's the one who was so excited for her family and friends to meet me.

 

She told me this guy was her high school sweetheart so they must have dated for at least 3-4 years. I haven't had any contact with her since the phone call last Saturday. She sent me my headphones back in the mail and said "I want to respect you asking for space but I thought you might want these" and then finished the small note with "I am really truly sorry".

 

What happened? How did I become second place to an ex-boyfriend? I'm really shocked and hurt that she could do this to me. The range of emotions I've had the past week is insane. They are changing every 2 seconds. She's the one girl that I've dated that I thought would never do such a thing. I trusted her. All the other relationships I've had, I could see cracks forming. This time there was NONE. This hit me like a bolt of lightning out of the blue....

 

I really want her back but I know that's the wrong way to think about this now....

 

Thanks for listening guys and girls.

 

Two weeks ago, she completely changed. The once loving, caring, affectionate girl that I once knew was replaced by a cold, distant, unhappy girl.

 

That's because this is the point her ex- resurfaced, and she wanted to be back with him.

 

She sat me down and told me that two weeks ago she had a dream about her ex boyfriend. She said that she repeatedly has this dream over and over.

Bullschytt.

I don't believe a word of it.

This is a way of getting herself off the hook, by making her infidelity seem like a dream is telling her that her destiny is to be with another.... her unconscious is guiding her, so she has no control over her thoughts... what a pile of crock.

 

"I can't help how I feel".

Cop-out.

I cannot be held responsible by what goes on in my head and in my heart. They are beyond my control, and I am powerless to change it.

Way to go - project outwards and don't take any blame for anything....

 

What happened? How did I become second place to an ex-boyfriend?

You were never first place.

You were a rebound.

 

I'm sorry she couldn't be honest enough to be on the level with you.

But I wouldn't try fighting it.

I think you dodged a bullet, personally.

[fixing]

Excellent post Tara Maiden.

 

So sorry for your pain OP. This is very tough on you. Like Tara said, she was probably just using you as a rebound. I know that hurts to hear right now, but try to see the bigger picture here... You sound like an awesome boyfriend, and you got burned by a user!

It kinda happened to me too so i know how you feel man.

 

Best thing you can do, is keep up the no contact and realise she was not the right girl in the end.

 

She doesnt even deserve a second chance should she ever come back running. Stay strong man, and keep posting here.

[flight E]

Tara nice to know u still around. OP you know the drill. U ave been there before so you know you will get over this. It's hard just stay strong. You will survive this as you did the last one. The guy will probably dump her again. She will probably come back but don't be like her. Don't be someone with low self esteem who takes back people who dump you.

[deathandtaxes]

Your ex is a piece of work. She's the rebound for her ex-bf. I can't believe she didn't get over him in three years. I think you have been saved from a ticking bomb. Consider yourself fortunate.

[RS5T]

Thanks so much for the reply guys. It pains me to think that I was a rebound, especially after 3 years of them not dating! There were no signs from her (and I do my best to look for them) that she wasn't over an ex. I asked about them early on in the relationship and she would causally say "oh I dated this guy back in high school, and then I dated this guy last year". I never once got the impression that she was that infatuated with this guy. A few months ago she brought me along to a friends wedding and would say stuff like "oh when we get married, we should do this/that...." I truly believed I was the only guy on her mind. I probably was until "he" came crawling back. The hardest part guys/girls is convincing myself that the girl who told me it was over last week is the same girl who was so sweet, caring and affectionate towards me only a few weeks ago. How does one turn off emotions with the other person so quickly, especially when I was nothing but helping, caring and affectionate towards her?

[fixing]

Its a tough question you ask. Your ex, and mine, are very similar. They are the types of people that will jump into one relationship to the next, using unsuspecting people like you and me until the initial 'buzz' wears off. Then they drop us and jump into a new relationship, or, in your case back to an ex.

 

In short, she is shallow, and not mutually invested in you, the same way you were into her. Its hard for us to accept that, but thats how it goes sometimes unfortunately.

All you can do now, is cut ALL contact with her and start to think that she is dead to you.

 

Please, let me save you some time on this.... Move on and dont look back. Force her from your mind, delete everything and force yourself to be active.

 

DONT DO WHAT I DID....

 

I spent months and months thinking about my cheating ex, even wanting her to come back to me and make it up to me. I spent christmas alone, drinking and feeling sorry for myself, in denial asking all the questions you are asking now, and guess what???

 

She had already jumped in bed with a new man (Her best friends husband no less) and they are still together to this day.

 

The point is, life is too short. She has dropped you for some other little tramp, that should be enough for you to leave ZERO room in your mind for her to occupy your thoughts.

 

No contact

[RS5T]

Fixing -

 

I haven't contacted her since she made the phone call to end things last weekend. It's taken everything in me to not send her a text to ask how she's doing, or to thank her for sending my headphones back. I've already come to realization that she is seeing him as I type this. I mean, she was sending him texts for those two weeks between the time he first sent her the text and the time she broke up with me. I found myself asking "did she see him while she was with me" or "did they talk on the phone during those two weeks". I try not to think about those things now because I cant' do anything about it. Someone I know said it was a form of emotional cheating. It sucks because I did a lot for her during those two weeks. I was there for her when her grandmother passed and even watched her dog for 5 days while her and her family went to Chicago. Three days after she gets home, I come over and that is when she dropped the bomb. It's funny how life works. We end up miserable and they end up happily moving along. I know there's light at the end of the tunnel I just wish I had an express train to get me there sooner than later....

[fixing]

Fixing -

 

I haven't contacted her since she made the phone call to end things last weekend. It's taken everything in me to not send her a text to ask how she's doing, or to thank her for sending my headphones back. I've already come to realization that she is seeing him as I type this. I mean, she was sending him texts for those two weeks between the time he first sent her the text and the time she broke up with me. I found myself asking "did she see him while she was with me" or "did they talk on the phone during those two weeks". I try not to think about those things now because I cant' do anything about it. Someone I know said it was a form of emotional cheating. It sucks because I did a lot for her during those two weeks. I was there for her when her grandmother passed and even watched her dog for 5 days while her and her family went to Chicago. Three days after she gets home, I come over and that is when she dropped the bomb. It's funny how life works. We end up miserable and they end up happily moving along. I know there's light at the end of the tunnel I just wish I had an express train to get me there sooner than later....

 

Yes. You heard that saying 'the good guys finish last' Not that thats 100% true, just it happens in some relationships.

You sound like a great guy, and you treated her very well, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Someday your going to meet a really special girl. I know what you mean about the express train, but for now, just accept that your going to need to mourn this relationship for the next few months.

You will come out a winner in the end.

Stick to no contact though. Its very important. Trust me on that.

[Haydn]

Yes i second this from Fixing.

 

 

Yes. You heard that saying 'the good guys finish last' Not that thats 100% true, just it happens in some relationships.

You sound like a great guy, and you treated her very well, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Someday your going to meet a really special girl. I know what you mean about the express train, but for now, just accept that your going to need to mourn this relationship for the next few months.

You will come out a winner in the end.

Stick to no contact though. Its very important. Trust me on that.

[mtnbiker3000]

This seems to be a pretty common personality type / trait. The ability to switch on and off... To treat people like variables in some strange equation. So 'on', then so quickly 'off'. WTF???

 

When I look back at my RS, I think of all the little things and small stuff that meant so much to me. Made me so happy to be with her. And what I can't understand is how she can just reset, drop all of that and start again with someone else so quickly and easily. So, all of these 'things' we did together just vanished from her mind. Years of great times, fun memories... *poof* gone!!

 

So strange to me and not at all what I am capable of doing or understanding??

[RS5T]

mtnbiker -

 

I feel you man, I really do. Personally I could never leave a happy relationship with someone (with someone I really care about) to enter another relationship (be it an old or new one). The guilt alone would eat me alive. How could I hurt someone who's done so much for me and has never hurt me? That's how I would be thinking if I was her. My ex girlfriend was dumped by this guy, she was really hurt by this guy. Why would she leave someone who has not hurt her for someone who has already done it once? She told me it was logic versus emotion. I could see if I was abusive, or even if the relationship seemed to be getting stale. But it wasn't like that. It was, as you said, like a switch turning on and off. She flipped the switch, and just like that, I was out and he was in. Where do the emotion/memories go?

[mtnbiker3000]

As I approach 1 year since my BU, the pain is mostly gone (95%+). But, I must admit that I still question her actions and wonder how she was able to do what she did. Not obsessed, but still think about it. Still wonder. Still try to make sense of it...

 

I'm a 'solver', but I just can't figure this one out...

[flight E]

There is this guy Eddie corbano. He has very helpful articles online and a book exdetox system. You don't need to buy the book but am sure his articles will help

[Sandy99]

It sounds like your ex probably got painfully dumped by her ex years ago and he started dating somebody else right away. Maybe it took her a long time to get over that pain and then she met you and was happy again. This guy, the ex, then re-appears when it seems that she is happy again after he's obviously dumped whoever he was with right before.

 

I think your ex is probably only going to get hurt by her ex again, who is obviously on the rebound. Unfortunately it sounds like there is nothing you can do right now. I would completely not talk to your ex-girlfriend and let her repeat her mistakes with this old ex and eventually you will recover. No doubt when her new boyfriend dumps her again she'll be crawling back to you. People are pretty predictable.

 

You just have to remind yourself that people do stupid and irrational things every single day and you can't control that or blame yourself for things that those people in time will most likely feel guilty and regretful about. Good luck.

[mtnbiker3000]

Hahahaha. Yeah, I found this guy early on and his website / articles are decent and worth reading. But they are very surface level and honestly the advice / insight recieved from this website was much more valuable to me

 

And, there are other authors / presenters who offer much deeper insight in my opinion...

[ithappenedagain]

Loving someone so much, even after a horrendous breakup is a great trait to have. That means you have a heart!!

 

I'd rather have that trait than being a serial dater who jumps from relationship to relationship with a flip of a switch..

 

Just be thankful of this trait. One day it's going to work wonders for you

[RS5T]

mtnbiker -

 

I'm the same way as you. I've tried to analyze the situation over and over again. No matter how much I think about it, I can't figure it out. I've got a lot better over the last couple of days. The constant thoughts are slowly being replaced by sporadic thoughts. I know I can and will get over this. Having your girlfriend dump you for your best friend really toughens you up. Although that particular situation happened a few years ago, it still hurts to get dumped for another guy.

Glad to hear you're doing a lot better. It's situations like yours that show me there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Sandy -

 

My ex admitted that her breakup a few years ago was extremely painful. She admitted (while she was breaking up with me) that she had an very tough time processing what happened when her ex broke up with her. She even went as far as having to go to therapy to help herself get over this guy. I know there is a good chance she will get hurt again. I tried over and over to tell her this. I also asked her what kind of guy tries to break up two happy people in a relationship. To me, that is a really low move to make. If I was attempting to get back with an ex, I would certainly wait until she was single. I would never try to sneak my way back in. I have a feeling she will come back. We'll see...

 

ithappenedagain -

 

Thank you for the kind words. I'm firm believer in trying to work things out. I did my best when I tried talking some sense into her before she threw away our relationship. I'm angry with her but I still love her. I would still do anything for her. But that doesn't mean I'm going to beg for her back. She's made her decision and has to live with it. I still question whether there is someone out there for me. I've been told there is, I just have to convince myself...

[bubbaganoosh]

I know there's light at the end of the tunnel I just wish I had an express train to get me there sooner than later....

 

The thing is you have just been burned real bad and the one thing you don't want is for it to happen again and there are no guarantees in life except dying and paying taxes so you have to take your time and get yourself back on solid ground so if there is an express train to get to the end, don't take it because you will miss a few steps along the way run the risk of making the same mistake again.

 

Time heals all wounds and I know it sounds hokey but it's true. In time you'll get over it and learn from it and that is the most important thing.