Moose Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Mrs. Moose and I were talking on the way into town this morning. We were discussing some of the problems we see on this forum. Mostly about infidelity, the OW/OM senarios, and just the basic everyday problems married couples face. We came to the conclusion that the main problem with marriages now and days is the fact that we live in what I call a, "Throw it away society". If you buy a car, and you don't like it, typically you'd find one that you do like and get rid of the one you didn't. Same goes for a house, mower, TV, phones.....you name it. Put quite simply, if what you bought into isn't bringing you the satifaction you desire, simply toss it and get another one. This has bled into marriages. Too many times I've seen couples get a divorce because it just wasn't turning out the way THEY wanted it to. Because of selfish motivation, divorces wind up hurting millions of innocent people. All because they were not, "happy", with the way things turned out. So Please, before you get married....understand that when you say your vows.....you're not just following the motions, you're making a promise to your SO, and to God Himself. Keep in mind that a marriage is a lot of work. You need to put in 100% of yourself into your marriage to make it work. When you say for good or bad, keep in mind that all you'll remember the most of is the bad. When you say until death do we part, keep in mind that this means you won't run away into the arms of another unless your spouse has passed away. Keep in mind that when things get rough, and they will, you can't just run away from the problems and escape to another world.....you made a promise to work together in this marriage. Please, if you learn anything from me at all, learn that a marriage is a wonderful institution as long as you both give 100% of yourselves. Please remember that if things turn out to be a terrible mess, that the tree that bends during the storm will be the one left standing afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Zora Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Well said and soooooo true, I am with you a zillion percent. Sad though, this day and age what is going on all around us ... Link to post Share on other sites
Mustard Bomb Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 I agree with this post. No matter which god, or gods, if any, one believes in, giving oneself 100% to marriage is an excellent message. Link to post Share on other sites
7on Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Marriage is a sacred vow. A promise. I do not break promises. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Moose! You are behind the times! The Disposable Society has been discussed and written about and in the news and classrooms for years! One paper I read referred to modern marriage (back in the 1980's) as Styrofoam Marriage - comparing the Styrofoam packages fast-food used to come in -- easily broken and the bits and pieces stay around forever, polluting the earth (or becomming 'baggage' for people who divorce) I spoke at a small seminar about Disposable Pets once, in our disposable society. Funny you brought this up now though. Our toaster broke the other day and hubby went out and bought a new one. I remember as a child a broken toaster was repaired, not replaced and it got me thinking about the disposable society again. Hubby and I went through all the throw-away stuff the first time we went to counseling. He figured a divorce was just a natural step in a marriage and no big deal. I was fighting to stay together and repair the damage. He had that throw-away mentality about the marriage back then. Now, he knows better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted January 13, 2005 Author Share Posted January 13, 2005 Moose! You are behind the times! The Disposable Society has been discussed and written about and in the news and classrooms for years! I guess so. It must be the residual I see from this disposable society still affecting marriages then. My fear is that marriage will become, "disposable", as a standard in my children's future. They'll never know what they missed out on. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by Moose They'll never know what they missed out on. Not with you and Mrs. Moose teaching them and showing them by example. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by HokeyReligions Not with you and Mrs. Moose teaching them and showing them by example. Amen. I'm lucky, my parents have been married for almost 50 years. Most of my freinds come from broken homes. Interesting that I find some can learn what not to do from bad examples. Others yearn for a marriage because thier parents failed and end up repeating history. I'm getting married in 2 1/2 months. Link to post Share on other sites
katie79 Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 we do live in a "throw away" society. But humans are different from things. People get married for the wrong reasons. Some couples cheat, some just break up in general. I know people now who are engaged to be married, and they are not too thrilled with their spouse-to-be. But you figure, everything will work out and people will change, and nothing happens. Feelings bottle up, people react in different ways whether it be fighting, cheating, etc, and divorce occurs. It's mainly because people settle. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by katie79 It's mainly because people settle. I don't know about that. There are a thousand different reasons. I think people are sometimes more interested in getting married than being married. Pressure exerted by soiciety saying things like if a girl isn't married by 30 she's an old maid or silly things like that. The idealised image of love and romance fed to us by the media. Note just how long most Hollywood marriages last. But often it is the idea that if you don't like the car, just get a new one. This has been a trend. It seems easier than actually working hard at it and making concessions. People who expect 'things to change' after the wedding do make a big mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted January 13, 2005 Author Share Posted January 13, 2005 People who expect 'things to change' after the wedding do make a big mistake. This is so true. As a matter of fact, Mrs. Moose said that the day she realized she couldn't change me, and began to work on not being so manipulative is the day the weight of the world fell off her back. Her exact words were, "I don't expect you to make me happy anymore, It's up to ME if I want to be happy or not....." Link to post Share on other sites
katie79 Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Settling can be a cause of different reasons. One of them can be because one is intersted in getting married, and not thinking of being married; spending/sharing a lifetime committment with that one and only person. Some get married for economic reasons, some feel they wont find someone better, and some feel they are at an age where they should be married. I agree with you that some women feel pressure to "get married" because they are over 30 years of age. This is a poor reason to get married in the first place, but also to "their" defense, for the most part, after 30, women do seem to have trouble finding men. If I were single now, I think I would have a great deal of trouble. Most men are married, engaged, or committed in some way. Online dating is an option, but those seem to pan out. Most of the guys on there are nutty or married and looking for a peice on the side. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted January 13, 2005 Author Share Posted January 13, 2005 That is Settling! I don't think so. I'd call it maturing before I'd call it settling. I'd even call it getting smarter. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by Moose I don't think so. I'd call it maturing before I'd call it settling. I'd even call it getting smarter. Again I agree with the experienced one. At some point everyone loses that idealised version of thier spouse. After living together a couple of years, sharing a bathroom, dealing with dirty laundry, having all those pithy arguments, having the big arguments etcetera. You learn that long lasting relationships are a series of love affairs and negotiations with the same person. I doubt that anyone who has stayed married any length of time will tell you otherwise. I look for advice from people who have managed it for a long time and hear similar ideas. There is no perfect person, we all have smelly parts, annoying habits, wierd aversions it's all a matter of acceptance. That's what it's about. So maybe everyone 'Settles' eventually. Every Prince Charming has a bad side too. You might not see it until he takes off his armor. The sad thing is how many people have love in thier lives but something isn't exactly perfect so they don't try harder. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 There is a difference between love changing and something being broken beyond repair-and it is up to the individuals involved to judge and decide that, not anyone else. Your marriage is great? That's SUPER. But don't go around telling everyone else they are losers if they decide they'd rather seperate than beat a dead horse. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by Mr Spock There is a difference between love changing and something being broken beyond repair-and it is up to the individuals involved to judge and decide that, not anyone else. Your marriage is great? That's SUPER. But don't go around telling everyone else they are losers if they decide they'd rather seperate than beat a dead horse. Whoa, hey sorry if you got that impression. I never said everyone or anything anbout 'losers'. yeeesh "The sad thing is how many people have love in thier lives but something isn't exactly perfect so they don't try harder." Many isn't everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 That wasn't directed at you, otherwise I would have quoted bits you posted-more of just responding in general Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by Mr Spock That wasn't directed at you, otherwise I would have quoted bits you posted-more of just responding in general Okalee dokalee there neighbor! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 moose, thanks for the huge vote of confidence you've given the institution of marriage. it's easy to feel a bit insecure about being in a committed relationship when I read posts from people with married lovers because it makes me wonder if I'm the one living in a fantasy. I hate seeing marriage treated like it can just be tossed aside when someone doesn't feel like their SO isn't "fulfilling" them – that's when you hunker down and make it work, or die trying seriously, though, I wish people would look past the wedding day and focus on the reality of the relationship: that it's going to face some pretty drastic changes when money gets tight, when babies come along, when someone grows ill or even when the initial intense physical attraction isn't there anymore. that's when the "good" stuff has potential to happen, when putting forth that extra effort pays off when you find a way to get it to work even better than it did the first time .... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted January 14, 2005 Author Share Posted January 14, 2005 There is a difference between love changing and something being broken beyond repair-and it is up to the individuals involved to judge and decide that, not anyone else. I don't believe anyone has said that you should stay in a marriage if it's broken beyond repair. But since you brought it up...... I'll say it now.... There's no such thing as a marriage broken beyond repair. You can slice it, and dice it, beat it to near death.....but if you and your spouse took a deep hard look at what a marriage is intended to be, and a DEEP understanding of what your vows to each other, and God mean, then you went into it with your eyes WIDE open. With your eyes wide open and totally willing to accept the person that you swore before God you would stay with until death, how could you leave? How could it ever break if you're a person of your word? How can your marriage break beyond repair if you're a person who follows through with your commitments? These are things to consider, BEFORE YOU SAY I DO! Hence, the reason I created this thread.......... You've heard whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.....that rule applies to a marriage. Your marriage is great? That's SUPER. But don't go around telling everyone else they are losers if they decide they'd rather seperate than beat a dead horse. Who's calling who a loser? If that were true then my older sister, younger sister, and my mother are all losers..... It's not true.....they're not losers.....they are people who didn't have a clue what a marriage is. They are people who made mistakes and hopefully gained some knowledge from them. They are people who will think twice before swearing before God that they'll commit themselves to a life long relationship.....it doesn't make them losers Spock. That wasn't directed at you, otherwise I would have quoted bits you posted-more of just responding in general K, well, we won't play guessing games.....let's just say I wanted people who post in this particular area of the forum to please take into consideration what they're getting ready to get into. And hopefully we won't see them posting in other areas of the forum if you know what I mean. Relax Spock......I know you really aren't a vulcan.....you're human too and thus, yuo make mistakes....I still love you regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustard Bomb Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 There's no such thing as a marriage broken beyond repair. Wait a second. I don't agree to this point. Many may not put enough effort into their marriages; that's one issue. But there are also very valid reasons for divorce: abuse, infidelity, alcoholism or drug use, or simple disconnection. Sometimes people go into a situation fully committed, try hard, and it just does not work out. Why presume to invalidate their experiences or their efforts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted January 14, 2005 Author Share Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by Mustard Bomb Wait a second. I don't agree to this point. Many may not put enough effort into their marriages; that's one issue. But there are also very valid reasons for divorce: abuse, infidelity, alcoholism or drug use, or simple disconnection. Sometimes people go into a situation fully committed, try hard, and it just does not work out. Why presume to invalidate their experiences or their efforts? K, I'm assuming you meant, you agree with everything up to this point.....right? What is the first word of this thread????? BEFORE......... Mrs. Moose knew I'm alcoholic before she married me, and I knew she was quite manipulative.....she knew I was abused as a child, I knew she was sheltered, before we married......we both have been tempted with infidelity, and wanted to get as far away from each other as we possibly could.....before we married......I'm not bragging, I'm proving a point......know what you're getting into, BEFORE you get into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustard Bomb Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 No, I meant some things can happen within the span of a marriage that can make them unworkable- in those cases, I don't see a problem with divorce. This does not detract from your original point, which I agree with, but I don't think it should be hyperbolized into thinking all marriages should be saved. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 It wasn't really directed at you Moosey Moose either......and I wasn't really implying you had called anyone a loser either. Just thoughts. And Mustard Bomb has a point. If your wife had cheated, or you'd gotten hammered and wrecked the car with your kids inside your marriage could have turned out much differently-the fact that you both work together to avoid those kinds of things is GOOD but that doesn't happen to everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted January 14, 2005 Author Share Posted January 14, 2005 No, I meant some things can happen within the span of a marriage that can make them unworkable That's when you revert back to the commitment you made. I personally don't believe there is any situation, ANY, situation that would make a marriage unworkable. The only reason that could be possible is if one of the persons who made that commitment decides to be lazy, or selfish.....that's it. There isn't a senario that anyone could come up with that wouldn't fit into one of those catagories. but I don't think it should be hyperbolized into thinking all marriages should be saved. This is exactly the mentality I speak of. It's becoming so natural for people to use ANY excuse to desert the commitment they made. Even when I watched my mother get the crap beat out of her, I thought to myself, why doesn't she call the law and get him some help? When I was getting the crap beat out of me from the same man, I knew he was angry, and sick and needed help. Instead, I ran had to run away because I was powerless to do anything about it. My mom could've, and should've, instead.....she left. I'm telling you all, all who will see this......there is no such thing as a destroyed marriage unless you yourself allow it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts