Re: need advice about attraction/? of another man

[Tony T]

You are never crazy for feeling what you feel.

 

In the old days, when people got married they made a commitment to remain faithful until death. It seems we have evolved somewhat socially in the past 30 years, I think it began in earnest during the Vietnam era of wholesale protest, and now vows don't mean quite the same thing. Many psychologists are writing now that marriage has become more of a bond that lasts until one or the other decides to break it.

 

The fact is your husband is not meeting your needs, is not willing to work to keep in shape, and may be taking you for granted. On the other hand, you are attracted to this other man. Since he is married, I see no point in destroying two families.

 

But you need to put your husband on notice that you are pulling away from him in a significant way and if things don't improve with his physique (which is not an unreasonable request) and other aspects of the marriage, you are going to free yourself to pursue other people. You need to be assertive and clear with him. You cannot hurt him, he can only make that decision for yourself. By making yourself very clear to him, should you act later to sever the relationship, you can do so with a clear conscience that you made him fully aware of what you needed for the marriage to continue. You only live once.

 

Not only would it be cruel to destroy your married friend's family but you would never trust him to be faithful to you if he dropped his wife to be with you. Once you are free, you will be able to find a man who is emotionally, physically and legally able to engage in a healthy relationship with you.

 

Now if you think you can have an ongoing affair and not be detected, it's rarely possible. Even with the best efforts, there is always a slip up and the mates are made aware. This is something you don't want to happen.

 

It sounds like you are just displeased in your marriage and wanting to move on. It also sounds like you have done what you can to improve your marriage with no success. I know we often make commitments that are difficult to keep, so don't feel guilty about moving on to something that will make you happy.

 

Getting involved with a married man at this time will open a car of worms you will not enjoy consuming.

[Big Bird]

I think i feel really sorry for your husband. He may not be Brad Pitt but he doesn't deserve a wife who's close to having an affair with another married man. Maybe your husband doesnt care about his looks because he's depressed. stop looking for reasons to cheat on him. Dont be a home wrecker. Have some class.

I would like to know what someone else might think about my situation. First of all, I'm married and have been for a very long time. I married when I was still in high school and my husband is the only man I have ever known; sexually that is. Recently, I have found myself "very" attracted to another man. This other man seems to be interested in me too. But, he is married too. We have been together, not sexually, but close a few times. I just can't stop thinking about this other man. 24/7, he's on my mind and in my thoughts. I regret to say that it has made me not want to be close with my husband like I should. I just am not as attracted to him as I use to be. This other man, he is absolutely gorgeous and very well built. Yes, I admit that my attraction has a lot to do with the physical aspect but he is so intriging too. My husband is a nice looking man too, but he is so out of shape and needs to lose about 50 lbs. But, he could care less what he looks like. I know I shouldn't care either, but recently I have gotten myself in shape and it does matter to me now. I have tried to hint around about him joining a fitness center but he is not interested at all. I guess what I'm wanting to know is am I totally crazy for what I'm feeling. Do you think it is just love or lust? I haven't felt anything like this before and there could have been other men but no one I ever wanted to pursue until now. I want this other man so bad I can taste it, so to speak. But, I don't want to hurt my husband either. I still love him, I'm just not attracted to him. I feel like I'm living a double life. Putting on a different face for my husband but all the time thinking of this other man and wondering what he is doing and wishing I was with him. So, tell me what you think?

[unnamed]

nt

[bootheelbabe]

Tony, thanks for your input. I appreciate your kind words and I really need someone to talk to about this who isn't so judgmental.

 

The thing is, I'm not sure if I want to move on. I'm not unhappy in my marriage, somewhat. I just want, well, I don't know what I want. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too. And believe me when I say, I don't want to be a homewrecker, his or mine for that matter. But, I can NOT stop thinking about him. At this point in time, there is not anyone else I would even want to be close to except him. There have been a few men that have let me know that they are interested, but I'm not in them. I have never been unfaithful to my husband. This other man & I have came close, but have always abstained. It seems as if we always start thinking with our heads instead of other parts of our body right at the right time. But, that's not saying that I wouldn't sleep with him. I want him and that's how much I care about him. Sex is not something I take lightly. It would have to be someone very special for me to give myself to in that way. I know I made a vow to my husband and I am trying to keep those vows but, I can't help feeling the way I do.

 

One other thing is, this other man doesn't know how much I think about him or how crazy I am for him. I have kept a lot bottled up. He does know how attracted I am to him. I told him that much. Sometimes I think I should tell him, because everywhere I turn it seems like I'm seeing something about telling that special someone how you feel because life's too short. But then I chicken out.

 

I do agree with you about if this man left his wife for me that I probably wouldn't be able to trust him. I think your right about that. But, honestly, it wouldn't matter right now. See, that's how crazy I am for him. I don't think I'm in love with him because I don't know him well enough for that but, I sure am hung up on him. Then again, he could just be that type of man that cheats on his wife. I don't know. I often wonder why he let me in, so to speak. If maybe he's somewhat unhappy too. We seem to hit it off real well and he will tell me anything I want to know. And he's never been the one to do the pursuing. I've always been the one to contact him. He said he was shy! But, he usually is the one to make the first move when we're together. Which by the way, has not been very many times. (Three since September 2000)

 

Even if we did end up together, I wouldn't jump into another serious relationship right now for nothing. As I said before, I have been married since I was in high school and being single kinda sounds good.

 

I know it sounds like I'm seeking permission to be with this other man, but that's not it. I'm trying to sort out all of these stupid feelings I have and get on with my life. I would appreciate your input again.

 

 

 

You are never crazy for feeling what you feel. In the old days, when people got married they made a commitment to remain faithful until death. It seems we have evolved somewhat socially in the past 30 years, I think it began in earnest during the Vietnam era of wholesale protest, and now vows don't mean quite the same thing. Many psychologists are writing now that marriage has become more of a bond that lasts until one or the other decides to break it. The fact is your husband is not meeting your needs, is not willing to work to keep in shape, and may be taking you for granted. On the other hand, you are attracted to this other man. Since he is married, I see no point in destroying two families. But you need to put your husband on notice that you are pulling away from him in a significant way and if things don't improve with his physique (which is not an unreasonable request) and other aspects of the marriage, you are going to free yourself to pursue other people. You need to be assertive and clear with him. You cannot hurt him, he can only make that decision for yourself. By making yourself very clear to him, should you act later to sever the relationship, you can do so with a clear conscience that you made him fully aware of what you needed for the marriage to continue. You only live once. Not only would it be cruel to destroy your married friend's family but you would never trust him to be faithful to you if he dropped his wife to be with you. Once you are free, you will be able to find a man who is emotionally, physically and legally able to engage in a healthy relationship with you. Now if you think you can have an ongoing affair and not be detected, it's rarely possible. Even with the best efforts, there is always a slip up and the mates are made aware. This is something you don't want to happen. It sounds like you are just displeased in your marriage and wanting to move on. It also sounds like you have done what you can to improve your marriage with no success. I know we often make commitments that are difficult to keep, so don't feel guilty about moving on to something that will make you happy. Getting involved with a married man at this time will open a car of worms you will not enjoy consuming.

[Tony T]

It sounds to me like you're just looking for a little closeness and excitement right now, the kind you're not getting at home.

 

I don't condone adultery, I think it's wrong, but I also think sin or wrongdoing or whatever you call it is a matter of conscience. I am not you. If you can have a fling with this guy, fully knowing where he may be coming from and what the consequences might be, including but not limited to the end of your marriage if your husband finds out, by all means that is your decision to make.

 

If you do have an affair, make it very brief. I unconditionally guarantee that anything short of a very brief deal will get back to your husband, workplace, etc. The only way you can keep something from getting out is to do it by yourself and keep your mouth shut about it. When another person enters the picture, all bets are off.

 

This is something you and you alone are going to have to make a call on. Whatever feels right for you...and whatever you can risk the consequences of doing. Do what you feel you can live with or, rather, what you feel you can't live without...or actually both.

 

See, you've got me confused too.