My fiance got a private lapdance when I said I wasn't comfortable with it

[fantailjump]

So - my fiance and I have been together 18 months, engaged for 6. I have always trusted him implicitly and he has always been incredibly noble and strong with everything. Sat night he was going to a friends bachelor party and we knew there would be strippers so we talked about it beforehand. I said the idea made me uncomfortable (same as me drooling over other men would make him) but I get that it was for his mate, and it was just silliness with the boys, so it was fine but said that what I wouldn't be ok with was anything private, like a lapdance, and touching. Cool and clear.

 

Off he goes and the next day he tells me he was really really drunk, a stripper said to him he should have a lapdance and he did. In a private room, she was fully naked and he touched her boobs and butt.

 

So I'm disgusted by the images I have in my head of it. And heartbroken that he didn't respect my feelings enough to say no. He has admitted he is 100% in the wrong and will do everything he can to build my trust in him again. I still love him so much and want to believe in him. But am left wondering... Was this just a drunken mistake he will learn from, or if he can do this after only 18 months when everything is good, what will happen in 40 years when things are hard and should I just get out now?

Edited January 27, 2014 by fantailjump

[Eau Claire]

Not something I would ever accept.

 

No adult male or female is going to be responsible if they have friends like that or claim they only do things because they are drunk.

 

It may come as a surprise to certain women but most adults do not go out and get drunk....ever. They don't get lap dances...ever. Perhaps you need to aim your sights higher.

 

A 'drunken mistake'...is he 16 years old?

[Emilia]

You have been with him for only 18 months, you hardly know him.

 

I don't think it's acceptable. Strip clubs are one thing but a private room, fully naked dancer and touching are something very different. It would be a dealbreaker for me. I think if you touched a naked man's butt while he was girating in your face, your fiance would be upset about it too.

 

You also had a conversation about it beforehand yet he still did it. Most likely he only told you because he thought you would hear about it from one of his mates.

 

Personally I would pass on the whole thing.

[Arieswoman]

should I just get out now?

 

Yes.

 

I think this whole batchelor party/stag night business is infantile.

 

Having said that, you make a deal about what would happen and he broke it, using drink as the excuse. No-one forced him to drink. So he broke your trust.

 

What else will he be blaming on drink. Robbing a bank? Getting fired from work?

 

It sounds to me like he is not mature enough to be responsible for his own actions.

 

And yes, I agree he only 'fessed up before someone else told you.

 

I'm sorry it turned out this way, but there are more mature men out there who want mature relationships and can be trusted.

[Radu]

so it was fine but said that what I wouldn't be ok with was anything private, like a lapdance, and touching. Cool and clear.

 

Off he goes and the next day he tells me he was really really drunk, a stripper said to him he should have a lapdance and he did. In a private room, she was fully naked and he touched her boobs and butt.

 

Alcohol doesn't put ideas in your head.

It just removes inhibitions.

The idea [or desire] had to already have been there.

 

So I'm disgusted by the images I have in my head of it. And heartbroken that he didn't respect my feelings enough to say no. He has admitted he is 100% in the wrong and will do everything he can to build my trust in him again. I still love him so much and want to believe in him. But am left wondering... Was this just a drunken mistake he will learn from, or if he can do this after only 18 months when everything is good, what will happen in 40 years when things are hard and should I just get out now?

The mistake was not [or less of] what he did whilst drunk, the mistake was getting drunk in that situation.

 

The question is, why did he admit to it ?

Because he knew he couldn't hide it or because he is remorsefull ?

[almond]

Alcohol doesn't put ideas in your head.

It just removes inhibitions.

The idea [or desire] had to already have been there

 

Alcohol has strong dissociative properties and in high doses it can definitely cause people to do things they had no previous desire to do. It is not uncommon for people to literally have no idea what they're doing when very intoxicated. Just pointing that out -alcohol is a drug that is seriously underestimated at times. Not making any excuses whatsoever for this man's behaviour, and due to the fact that he can recall his specific actions, this probably isn't applicable in this instance.

 

OP, this is a crappy situation. You had an agreement, and he broke that along with your trust. He fondled a naked woman who wasn't you, after you were reassured that this would not occur. I would classify this as cheating, and I would personally not be able to continue the relationship.

 

My advice would be to cut your losses, and find someone that respects you enough not to intentionally do things like this and can handle their alcohol consumption.

[PegNosePete]

Whilst it was a terrible thing for him to do, you have to give him a little credit for being honest and upfront about it. Most guys would have lied, hidden and never spoken of it again, like a what happens in Vegas stags in Vegas thing. The fact that he actually told you about it and seems extremely remorseful should at least win him some points back. Whether that's enough points for you to give him another chance... is something only you can answer...

[Radu]

Alcohol has strong dissociative properties and in high doses it can definitely cause people to do things they had no previous desire to do. It is not uncommon for people to literally have no idea what they're doing when very intoxicated. Just pointing that out -alcohol is a drug that is seriously underestimated at times. Not making any excuses whatsoever for this man's behaviour, and due to the fact that he can recall his specific actions, this probably isn't applicable in this instance.

Wow, i never knew that alcohol was a calcium channel ion blocker.

 

On a serious note, to have an effect that matters on the GABA receptors , an effect that would be similar to a dissociative, you would need to take in quite a lot of alcohol [as you mentioned].

 

Still, this is just semantics, and most ppl consume alcohol not for the hoped for dissociative properties with high concentrations, but to unwind or to subconsciously remove barriers.

[darkmoon]

marry a drinker? what could possibly go wrong? more srsly, I would run for the hills, him out boozing while you play babysitter is your fate atmo

[almond]

Wow, i never knew that alcohol was a calcium channel ion blocker.

 

On a serious note, to have an effect that matters on the GABA receptors , an effect that would be similar to a dissociative, you would need to take in quite a lot of alcohol [as you mentioned].

 

Still, this is just semantics, and most ppl consume alcohol not for the hoped for dissociative properties with high concentrations, but to unwind or to subconsciously remove barriers.

 

No need to be sarcastic - I did not intend to be condescending. Your statements re: alcohol were overly simplistic and inaccurate, so I addressed them - nothing personal, I'm sure you're a clever cookie

[Radu]

No need to be sarcastic - I did not intend to be condescending. Your statements re: alcohol were overly simplistic and inaccurate, so I addressed them - nothing personal, I'm sure you're a clever cookie

 

Don't need to take offense to it either, i'll rephrase it.

 

The dissociative effects [putting ideas] happen in a small number of circumstances [relative to the others].

Most ppl [i'm thinking 99.9% or something like that] drink to let loose, to remove inhibitions, weather the decision is subconscious or not is more interesting.

 

In this situation, the OP is also asking the same thing.

Did he drink to remove the boundaries, or did he drink and he failed when those boundaries fell ?

 

I honestly can't tell, but a good indictor would be the reason why he told her, was it because he knew she would find out, or because he felt guilty and wanted to come clean.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh jeez.

 

You'll never get those images out of your head.

 

Cut your losses.

 

I put up with insanely stupid crap in my marriage but even I wouldn't have tolerated this dating.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I would dump somebody for this. I wouldn't find it a big deal if my partner went to a strip club during a stag do, saw girls strip on stage etc. as I know a lot of guys do this... I'd be pissed if HE instigated it for his own stag do, but wouldn't expect him to walk outta the room if that's where the party was headed, just to appease me. Your mileage may vary, I totally understand why others wouldn't be cool with that for many reasons.

 

However... you discussed it first. He knew you weren't cool with it. He did it anyway. In that moment, alcohol or not, his desire to touch someone's arse and have them wave their vayjay in front of his face outweighed the knowledge that this action would deeply hurt you and betray the trust between you. There's no way I could recover from that if it happened to me. If you forgive him you will always know he's capable and he'll always know he can get away with it.

[mrs rubble]

I forgave my eldest son's dad for the exact same thing.....a few months later I came home unexpectedly from a concert and found him in bed with another woman.

I'd never fall for the "one off"/ "drunk" excuse again.

[lollipopspot]

I wouldn't have been o.k. with him going to the strip club in the first place (and wouldn't really want to be with a guy who wants to go to them), both because the industry is often exploitative, and because I think it's encouraging exactly this kind of thing. He's drinking, he's in an establishment with lovely naked women who need to sell their bodies to put food on the table, his buddies are all getting lap dances...it's not shocking that he went ahead and did it. The only surprising thing is that he told you.

 

If I was someone who was o.k. with my guy going to a strip club, with all that entails, then I could probably forgive the lap dance.

[OpheliaSong]

Ouch. Has he ever done anything like this before? How is his usual alcohol use?

[Andy_K]

Going to a strip club as part of a stag do is kind of understandable. Going out of his way to get a private dance is crossing a line, especially after you guys already discussed it beforehand. Definitely not acceptable.

 

Also, for anyone who hasn't been in a strip club before - yes they are exploitative places. Drunken and vulnerable men get exploited out of their hard earned cash by aggressively persistent girls!

[crederer]

This is why people shouldn't get engaged/married so quickly. You guys don't even know each other nearly as well as you should in order to get married. The reality is, he betrayed you. I personally don't see a huge deal with what he did but I'm not the one engaged to him. He lied and betrayed you. This is your future husband, I'd suggest thinking the whole thing over and re evaluating the marriage.

[ascendotum]

Going to a strip club as part of a stag do is kind of understandable. Going out of his way to get a private dance is crossing a line, especially after you guys already discussed it beforehand. Definitely not acceptable.

 

Also, for anyone who hasn't been in a strip club before - yes they are exploitative places. Drunken and vulnerable men get exploited out of their hard earned cash by aggressively persistent girls!

 

I agree with this, except he didn't exactly go out of his way for the lap dance. It was a stag night + he probably just walked for 15 secs to the lap dance section of the premises. I don't think rare night out strip clubs are a big deal (and would be comfortable with my gf doing like wise on a hens nite out). Watch Wolf of W.S if you want to see guys getting up to full on hedonistic crazy. The aspect that makes it bad imo is the promise not to which he breaks. Alcohol does contribute to poor decision making (more so under peer pressure) but its also a lame excuse to me to do get away with doing stupid shyte. If this guy was marriage material, then I don't think this is worth ditching him over, but that's just my perspective. The OP has her own code of conduct requirements.

 

As for the last paragraph, totally. The drunk & horny guys get more exploited in places like that rather than the women. Both are free to spend their night elsewhere though.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Also, for anyone who hasn't been in a strip club before - yes they are exploitative places. Drunken and vulnerable men get exploited out of their hard earned cash by aggressively persistent girls!

 

I spent a lot of time in strip clubs as an 18-19 year old (I would never set foot inside one now I'm older for many, many reasons... back then I was pretty wild and naive) and I can vouch for the fact that while the girls can often be persistent (as you would be if it was your livelihood), at no point do they drug, or club the guy over the head, and drag him into a back room for a dance

 

The vast majority of dudes who set foot inside one barring a stag situation go there for that very reason so they rarely have to pester hard.

[Els]

If this guy was marriage material, then I don't think this is worth ditching him over, but that's just my perspective.

 

The thing is that guys who do this sort of thing (getting a private lapdance after being explicitly asked not to by their gf) are NOT marriage material. The fact that he did so while inebriated makes it worse, IMO, because decent men do not put themselves in situations like that while partnered up.

 

As for the exploitation bit... give me an effing break. No matter how 'aggressive' a strip club girl might be, there's no way she could possibly force an adult man into receiving a lapdance without breaking some serious laws. He made the choice all on his own.