Wifes relationship with step-daughter...

[Eivuwan]

Today I tried to talk with my wife, just to break the ice as she's not talked to me for a couple of days now. She's generally tough to talk to as she never lets you get a point out if it may not go the way she wants. So I reverted to an email. Kind of chicken but it was the only way I could get a complete thought out.

 

I thought it was a nice email. I assured her that I was supportive and was there for her. I talked about a few points that were mentioned here, specifically that she may be hurting and has past pain points. And that maybe I was her outlet for some of those issues. I told her that I was still her despite it all, and that I would be here but wanted to work together in the marriage rather than the issues falling on me.

 

She responded by saying that she wanted to be treated in loving way. That she didn't have any unresolved issues and that I was the cause of all her pain. Mmmm, basically word for word what has been said in the past.

 

This time I responded by saying that I agreed with her. She should be treated well in the marriage, and so should I. That we both had the right to be happy in the marriage and to expect the other person not to take that away. That I was no longer going to accept that I'm the root cause of everything that is wrong in our marriage. And that we both have choices to stay and make it better or go and make it better. She didn't like me standing up to her. She feels hurt and is still no longer talking to me.

 

But, I'm okay with that. I stood my ground and by writing it down in an email it cemented my thoughts. I read the email over and over again and felt good about what I wrote.

 

The message was clear. I have been there for you, will continue to be there for you, will continue to change and improve to make the marriage better, but expect you to do the same and won't accept anything less.

 

Now, if I were a beating man I'd figure she planning her exit. Accepting and seeing me as her equal is not in her cards. She's never worked with anyone who's stood up to her so I'm not holding my breath on this one either.

 

And I'm okay either way. I've made a lot of mistakes over the years and think I've learned from them, and I figure that I will make more. The clarity that I got from comments on here certainly validated that I'm not crazy.

 

I like that you stood up for yourself in a respectful manner. Now, the question is... what are you going to do if she just keeps blaming you for everything and verbally abusing you despite all this.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Nothing chicken about an email, I highly recommend writing a letter by hand or printing one out or then email, I know it might seem like you are avoiding confrontation but this is the only civil manner you have in approaching someone like your wife...who is going to respond defensively and go on the offensive as soon as she feels threatened.

 

Writing is a very effective way of communicating when you are unable to fully listen and respectfully communicate with your partner, especially when everything would otherwise break out into a fight and nobody would be heard.

 

With that being said, you're not going to break down a brick wall with a few swings of a hammer, you're going to have to break this cycle by being committed to it...your wife has some serious issues and is in denial of many things, she blames her issues on external problems or other people, she's not one to accept responsibility, accountability or criticism...in affect your wife is in some ways an attention seeking child, she just wants you to "fix it" and resolve the issue, she feels that is entirely your fault and the fault of your daughter...if she does accept blame or fault she will not admit that to you, she will keep that to herself..she needs to remain on the offensive.

 

You need to retain your composure and sense, you also need to maintain your strength and positioning because the more stable you are the more erratic she may react to it...she might instigate a reaction by passively aggressively attacking you or pushing your buttons to get you to engage in verbal combat with her...for her and her past this may be a dysfunctional comfort for her, and if she has abandonment issues she needs that attention and emotion in order to feel in control and address her needs in some way.

 

Also be prepared when she reads what you say she's viewing them in a way that translates in her mind...she is interpreting your words as an "act"...like an act to blame, an act to leave her, and act to sabotage the relationship...because she isn't really listening to what you're saying as much as she is just being her old self...she really isn't in a state where she's looking at her own behavior and taking your words wholeheartedly, she's shut down to the sympathies that you deserve and she will insist on having her needs met in order to move forward.

 

She will demand your attention and love...but you need to be willing to sacrifice this relationship if you really want things to change, I suspect empty threats and attacks from her if you don't comply but it's up to you whether you want to continue living this way and accepting her path she's decided for the both of you or she's willing to actually work with you and compromise, because right now she is not compromising she is just seeing this as your fault and problem....and you'd be a fool to continue on that way, because you're setting yourself up to just be abused down the road, but that's up to you....I know you see her good qualities and I know she's probably not a bad person in many ways or is even intending to do this, but you've got to make some hard decisions and a stand to help yourself out...you can't just let her run the show and feel bad for her and give in to feeling like this is the only way its going to work.

[whichwayisup]

. She didn't like me standing up to her. She feels hurt and is still no longer talking to me.

 

Wow, she's passive aggressive and gives you the silent treatment. That's rude and very disrespectful, a way of her trying to control you and how things are in the marriage. It's wrong and immature, so I really hope she rises up and goes to counseling with you. If not, things ARE going to get worse as times goes on and each of you will have resentments building up which will pick away at the connection and glue of your marriage. Not good at all. Sorry but how she is handling this, her reaction and ignoring you now because she can't own her part in the problems in the marriage and putting all the blame on you is not good at all.

[Radu]

Today I tried to talk with my wife, just to break the ice as she's not talked to me for a couple of days now. She's generally tough to talk to as she never lets you get a point out if it may not go the way she wants. So I reverted to an email. Kind of chicken but it was the only way I could get a complete thought out.

 

I thought it was a nice email. I assured her that I was supportive and was there for her. I talked about a few points that were mentioned here, specifically that she may be hurting and has past pain points. And that maybe I was her outlet for some of those issues. I told her that I was still her despite it all, and that I would be here but wanted to work together in the marriage rather than the issues falling on me.

 

She responded by saying that she wanted to be treated in loving way. That she didn't have any unresolved issues and that I was the cause of all her pain. Mmmm, basically word for word what has been said in the past.

Loving way, in this situation means that you must submit in total to her.

If you cut off your daughter and chose your wife over her, she would become a bit more loving [until she puts the next 'goal' that is next to impossible to achieve].

 

I'd like to tell you about 2 things.

1 - Let A be an event, any event.

The way we see this event is through a filter, a form of bubble that makes sure to take into consideration the parts of the event that validate our perception of reality.

For example, a woman driver has an accident [like your daughter].

A loving parent [you, her parent] would see this through more forgiving eyes.

A mysoginist would see this as yet more proof that women are worthless drivers.

A misandrist might take offence with the fact that the one who got hit was a man, in his own car, and that he probably caused the accident.

The event is the same, at the base of it, but our interpretation of the event is what differs.

The strength of this filter, of this bubble depends heavily on how good our grasp on reality is, on how well we stand our ground when someone tries to alter our opinions.

Ideally you want to neither be completely maleable, or completely implacable.

Ppl who are easy to confuse, are also easy to control, these are the ppl who get into cults, who always are convinced by the agresive salesman to buy the product, etc ... their version of reality easily folds into one of another person who is more powerful, more dominant.

Ppl who are implacable, who have a strong grasp on their version of reality, are the narcissists, cult leaders, best salesmen, politicians, etc ...

These are the ppl who we might say that they have charisma [and many of them do].

Your wife is one of these ppl, and her method of control is punishment, not charisma.

This is important for you to understand because this whole situation is not about what your daughter did or did not do, it's about the fact that you are challenging her by not saying that your reality is her reality.

When this blows over, something else will start, and it will be about the same damn thing, as long as you keep your own opinions and your own interpretations, she will have a problem.

Being loved for her means that you have to buy into her version of reality.

2 - A letter, email is to your advantage, because it allows you to collect your thoughts.

It also allows you to present a whole idea without being interrupted, so don't feel bad about it.

 

This time I responded by saying that I agreed with her. She should be treated well in the marriage, and so should I. That we both had the right to be happy in the marriage and to expect the other person not to take that away. That I was no longer going to accept that I'm the root cause of everything that is wrong in our marriage. And that we both have choices to stay and make it better or go and make it better. She didn't like me standing up to her. She feels hurt and is still no longer talking to me.

This is because the situation has to be of you buying completely into her version of reality [which does in fact make her feel safe, but will also bore the hell out of her the moment you finally commit].

A win-win situation means that you have kept some of your opinions, which is unacceptable to her.

What she wants is a win-lose situation, where you are the loser.

 

But, I'm okay with that. I stood my ground and by writing it down in an email it cemented my thoughts. I read the email over and over again and felt good about what I wrote.

 

The message was clear. I have been there for you, will continue to be there for you, will continue to change and improve to make the marriage better, but expect you to do the same and won't accept anything less.

 

Now, if I were a beating man I'd figure she planning her exit. Accepting and seeing me as her equal is not in her cards. She's never worked with anyone who's stood up to her so I'm not holding my breath on this one either.

 

And I'm okay either way. I've made a lot of mistakes over the years and think I've learned from them, and I figure that I will make more. The clarity that I got from comments on here certainly validated that I'm not crazy.

Talk to a lawyer about exposure, and you are right, the moment she realizes that you won't submit she will end the relationship because she does not want you to end the relationship [the one who ends it has more control].

 

And you are not crazy, it's only that she almost managed to convince you to doubt your version of reality ... in order to accept hers.

What she did is similar to what instructors do in the Army; first you must break a man in order to reform him and have him accept your reality.

It's just that her tools are different, and she isn't wearing kaki.

[Poppygoodwill]

Things are always more complicated than you can understand from the outside, but as a woman who married a man with three children I can tell you one really important thing that I've learned:

 

The number one factor in maintaining healthy and happy relationships with your new wife and your kids is YOU.

 

How you handle situations will turn them one way or another. How you manage the competing demands of both 'sides', will determine how smoothly it goes.

 

YOU are the connection point between these two women, so it's largely at your feet how the relationship goes.

 

If you avoid things and sacrifice the needs of one to the other...if you avoid conflict and difficult conversations with the child and by doing so put an extraordinary drain on your resources and wife's generosity and patience....if you don't set boundaries with your wife about the role you play in your daughter's life....then it will go wrong.

 

So right now - instead of pointing fingers at wife or daughter...I ask you to think about what YOU can do differently, or start doing, that would improve the situation.

 

You have the most power here, more than either of these women. How can you use that power to lead to a better out come for everyone?

[LovelyLife]

Put your wife first, cherish her, and hold her up as the person you will sit on the porch with in a rocking chair eating jello when you are elderly.

 

Nine times out of ten (having been a founding member of a community for women in step) the issues between stepmothers and their stepchildren drive from the husband/man in the equation.

 

How are your boundaries in terms of intimate convos about your wife?

Did you ask that they both respect each other's presence in your life?

Do you speak ill of your wife to your daughter?

Does your daughter dance with manipulative behavior? Does your wife?

 

Just from the first post - it appears that maybe you like being caught between the two? Ask yourself what you gain from that? There's always a 'payoff' when something has gone on for three years. . .

[VeronicaRoss]

Please find a competent therapist to find out why you are think someone treating you this way is in any way acceptable, so you get support for healthy boundaries. For the health of you and your children it truly isn't.

[Got it]

I think it is very hard for us to tell you what you should do. It sounds like a number of issues going on and I would recommend IC as well as couples counseling.

 

This is your child but she is not a child and you and your wife should be able to work things through as partners. Therapy can help with this.