Working through work/boss/mm issues

[Berkley]

Ok..as I posted my other thread, I am trying to work on dealing with the end of our friendship/NC. I have come to understand much better the strain our not so platonic relationship was having on him, and how that affected our friendship.

I'm far from healed, the pain, loss, grief is still all too clear....but it's only been two months since I've seen him after all.

 

 

There is one huge issue though that is haunting me and that I need to try to figure out before I can really work on regaining my self worth and self confidence...and it's something that I need a third party to help me sort out...because it is all totally a case of his side of things vs mine.

I've touched on the fact that there were a lot of work related issues this year that caused a lot of resentment, tension and anger between us...and more than anything, the following things were what made this year so miserable and painful. I started feeling like I was completely worthless.

 

 

What I need, is neutral input into these events, why he acted the way he did, why I reacted the way I did. If these things hurt me so badly because of my feelings for him, thus making me unreasonable and over-reactive...or if he really was being a dick and treating me like dirt.

( sorry, this is going to be long ...but it's important to me)

 

 

For two years mm and I worked together every day, just the two of us. I was his only employee. We worked well together, made a great team, always did amazing work. We worked in a horticulture related field and I brought 20 years experience to the table. I'm certainly not a 180 lb 20 year old guy...but I work my butt off and am good at my job. Never late, never call in sick, do any task I'm asked to do. Despite the odd disagreement over our personal issues, and the fact that he is 15 years younger than me...I always tried to respect him as the boss, never questioned what he told me to do, etc.

I do feel however that this always bothered him somewhat...that I was older and more experienced in a lot of the work we did....not all, but a lot.

 

 

This year started out really good...we were crazy busy in the spring, got along great - better than ever...but we also started getting very close emotionally. he even started talking about branching out - coming up with ideas that we could do together in a partnership role - or as me being a manager/supervisor.

In May he said all of the physical stuff had to stop...that he was getting too close, felt for the first time like an affair to him, etc. When we slipped up again two weeks later...he turned into the most horrible person ever. He was miserable, mean, ignorant, hurtful...snapped at me constantly...started yelling at me, throwing personal insults...as well as criticizing my work abilities constantly. It was a month of pure hell.

 

 

We got through that and things were getting back to normal - it was planting season and we always loved going to all of the big garden centres/nurserys, etc together. Really busy and he promised that once things slowed down, we'd work on taking time for lunches out and fixing the friendship again.

 

 

Then, he told me he had been asked to work on a huge development project. He was promised the moon by the developer...lots of work, lots of money, a bright future for his family. There would be a lot of heavy work, so he would have to hire a bunch of strong guys, equipment operators, etc...but I would be involved in all of the lighter jobs, planting, etc.

I worked on my own about half the time while he was working there...he was always talking about it, so I asked when I was going to be able to go up and see everything they were doing. he kept putting me off...then started getting short when I would ask. The last time, he had to go up and meet with the developer before we could start our day....I asked if I could come..and he got pissed off...made me sit in my truck at his house and wait....he was gone for 45 minutes.

The next day I was supposed to finally get the chance to be involved. But, I got a text that night....he said, 'nothing for you to do...take the day off.' I knew they were starting to plant that day so knew something wasn't on the up and up...so I called him out on it. He blew a gasket - said how dare I question what he tells me to do...it's his company and I'll do what he tells me to do. I got pissed off for being left out yet again...so he fired me. Just fired me via text. No explanation, nothing.

That evening he asked me to meet him for dinner, he had to talk to me. I meet him...and he drops it on me - the developer had told him a month ago.. " That woman who works for you isn't coming anywhere near my project. It's not women's work. She's too old, too weak, she'll be too slow...she's not working on my land !" So...I wasn't allowed near the project. Guys only. Never mind that I was his ONLY employee. Forget the 2 1/2 years of being dedicated and loyal and hard working.

He didn't stick up for me, didn't try to defend me...basically just threw me under the bus for money. He said that I could keep working two days a week for the two week notice period, but then after that I was done - his business was taking a new direction, he had a new partner and I no longer fit into his business. He hoped that I understood and wouldn't let it interfere with our friendship !!?? Seriously ??????

Since I was sitting there balling in the middle of a restaurant...I walked out. Told him that if he really thought I was that disposable, if he didn't even have the decency to defend me and try to fight for his best - his only real employee... there was no friendship, told him to go to hell...and I left. I was devastated.

He called me when he got home and asked me if I would please come back...he didn't want to lose me. So, I went back - I needed the job and I loved it too much to walk away from it. Soon after, they got really busy with their project and he had to be up there full time....so I had to take over all of the rest of the work myself...using my own vehicle, so that he wouldn't lose all of his clients. I worked alone for a month...except for one day a week when we needed to go together with the trailer and equipment.

All he would do is unload on me, about how busy he was, how stressful it was up there, how exhausted he was...and...I was supposed to 'relax' him. I started getting incredibly bitter and resentful. All of these temporary guys he hired were getting twice the hours and making twice the money while I held his business together. He always made a point of telling me that none of the 'guys' ever disrespected him like I did. We started fighting constantly. He blew up at me...I mean..yelling, screaming, swearing, insulting me. One day it was so bad that a neighbor beside were we were working threatened to call the cops he was yelling and swearing so loud....calling me an ungrateful, resentful biotch. I was supposed to be grateful because I was getting more hours working alone...and grateful that he trusted me to take care of his business - he was doing me a great service and I should have appreciated him for it.

The next time he blew up at me like that...calling me names, starting making personal insults...I didn't say a word...just grabbed everything from the truck and started walking. He yelled at me - " You know what you're walking away from don't you ! Turn around now or you're gone for good!!" I ignored him and kept walking...even though it was stinking hot out and we were at least ten miles from my vehicle.

 

 

Working up there turned him into a monster. It really did. He turned into the dick head developer ( who is a real piece of work ). He started getting a major power trip going. He was always stressed out and ticked off...apparently at home as well. I believe he fired me five times this summer.

 

 

He and his new partner became BFFs...constantly texting and calling one another while we were working. He was always laughing and joking with him. They got several more projects...all of which I was left out of. He forgot his promise to involve me in the planting, going to pick out plants and trees with him, etc. Several times he either said there was no work, or sent me out to work by myself...and I would later find out that he took his guys to do work on our regular clients places.

He started criticizing me for being too slow, not able to do enough heavy work. Kept reminding me that I was nothing but an employee and that anyone could do my job. When I got upset about being left out of things he'd getting angry...said - I don't know what you're talking about....you've got a fricking company shirt don't you ? Then you're not being left out !!

All summer I was accused of being too sensitive, overly dramatic, selfish, ungrateful.

 

 

In September he was going on a holiday with his family...so I ran his business for a week for him. Took care of all of the work that it usually takes two of us to get finished every week...basically worked my butt off so that he could get away. Even mowed his yard so he wouldn't have to do it when he got home.

When he got back...he asked how the week went, I updated him. We worked all day...never a thank you. At the end of the day I was upset...and told him that it hurt that he didn't even appreciate me. He got really angry....said I didn't do anything special, just the job I was being paid to do. He wasn't going to thank me for mowing his yard because he never asked me to do it. In fact...he should be the one who's insulted because I didn't thank him for allowing me to use his truck, trailer and equipment ( the stuff I needed in order to work, so he could have a vacation )...and in fact, he was insulted that he was not thanked for picking me up a new company shirt while he was away ( which he hadn't even given me yet ).

 

 

This story could go on and on and on like this. All year he would rave about how I am the best employee he could ever ask for...how he couldn't have run his business without me, how much he appreciates me. And then would turn around and criticize my every move, too old for this work, too slow, too weak...the guys are way faster than me. I'm not pulling my weight. I don't appreciate everything he does for me. My issues are trivial and don't matter. I'm just trying to cause drama, I'm too sensitive. I'm neurotic, crazy.

He loves working with me, we make a great team, we kick butt, loves going to all the greenhouses with me - he doesn't have anyone else in his life he can share this passion with...then...bam......he can't work with me, doesn't enjoy being around me any more, I bring him down, I'm always crying. For almost three years, we had so much in common, that's why he became so close to me - he could talk to me about anything...then the last few months - how could he possibly have anything in common with a woman my age? All we have in common is our work, that's it.

Over and over - on and off, hot and cold....I became an emotional mess. I started to feel worthless, completely worthless.

 

 

The rest of the fall was better...he never got any more projects. The big developer screwed him big time out of a lot of money. It was back to just the two of us. I finally was introduced to his 'partner' after 5 months when they were doing a project on one of our client's places...and he involved me in it a few times.

 

 

Sorry it's so long, like I said, there are about five or six other events I could go on about that have caused me so much anxiety, depression, resentment, hurt.

 

 

Am I crazy ? Did I overreact? Was I treated fairly ? Was I just jealous, resentful and spiteful or was he really being a dick ???

Many times he twisted events, meanings, so much that it left me questioning myself, my sanity.

It destroyed every ounce of self respect and self worth I had left....and I don't know how to work through it, how to heal from it if I'm not even sure what's real and what's not!

Edited January 27, 2014 by Berkley

[Darren Steez]

umm quit your job. That should fix it.

[Snipercatt]

Because you had an intimate relationship with your boss it is difficult to discern whether the swearing and degradation was because of that dynamic, or if he is purely abusive. Regardless, that's no way to treat anyone. Anyone!

 

From the outside looking in, no matter how indispensable an employee, if you've asked once, and been told "no" don't keep pushing. It is irritating and if it goes on too long it is grounds for termination. I think that you too used your personall relationship with your boss as leverage. It doesn't matter why he didn't want you on a project, it is his perogative as the owner/boss. Whether the developer really said those things is immaterial, he didn't want you on the project. (There's no way to knos what the developer really said, or didn't say.

 

From my vantage point it sounds as if you continually were pushing past the point if being respectful and he failed miserably, in response.

[Owl]

He's an insensitive ass, both personally and professionally.

 

Don't see much more to it than that.

 

He got what he wanted from you, he treated you like dirt both professionally and personally once he did. You were great...as long as you were quietly providing him what he wanted. But as soon as you stepped beyond his little boundary...you were no longer worth the effort to him.

 

Men aren't complicated creatures. Neither are women, for that matter. They "why" is usually far simpler than most people want to think.

 

In this case, it's simple. Why? Because that's who he is.

[whatatangledweb]

It appears to me you were taking work on a personal level. Wanting your friendship to allow you more imput than a normal employee would have. He did not need to stick up for you with trying to bring in a huge job for his company. It is his company and he wanted it to grow. A job that size would cause a lot of stress. Then he would hear you complaining . You wanted him to allow you to do the things you love to do and he wanted you to do the things he wanted you to do. He does not need to thank you for doing your job. He paid you to do it. He was trying to have a normal work relationship with you. You wanted the personal relationship to make it different.

 

You were both wrong. He should never have lash out at you and name called. He should have fired you if he could not handle it and not rehired you . ( I owned a small business with 4 employees)

 

You were wrong to keep complaining , questioning him. You forgot he was your boss not your boyfriend.

 

It appears the last eight months of your friendship/working relationship was rocky and unpleasant for both of you.

[Quiet Storm]

You both had very poor boundaries.

 

It is his company and his goal is to make money. When he decided not to include you in that job, you took it too personally. Throwing you under the bus for money? This is a business, its supposed to be about making money. You took a business decision as a personal rejection, which is immature. It is not his job to protect your feelings. You also have a tone of entitlement. You seem to believe that because you were his only employee, or because you were so dedicated, or because of the friendship, or because you worked while he was away that this entitled you to have input in the company. It doesn't. You need lots of validation. It always makes us feel good when our work is acknowledged and appreciated, but you shouldn't feel personally offended about the lack of feedback. Your expectations are too high. You are working to complete assigned tasks in exchange for a paycheck. You expect to also be paid with compliments and praise. It's great if you have a boss like that, but its just not a realistic expectation.

 

You were too emotionally involved.

 

He had very poor boundaries. I think he should have noticed that you are a sensitive person and handled things much differently. He should have emotionally distanced himself from you, but he did the opposite. He took advantage and sent you mixed messages. His lack of boundaries resulted in an emotional response from you that he was not prepared for. He was not equipped to deal with it and took it out on you. He was annoyed by your expectations and your need to feel important. Hopefully he learned something from this experience , his behavior is not good business practice.

 

I think you do need to do a lot of work on your self esteem. You also need to learn better boundaries. You had a job you liked, and the drama escalated to a point that you could no longer work together. Keep work and your personal life separate. Do your job and keep your emotions out of it. Learn what is not appropriate- don't question the owners choices, don't have physical relationships at work, don't take things so personally. Work on validating yourself. No one should ever be able to make you feel worthless. You have value regardless of the opinions of others. Work on your coping skills. We have all been unappreciated and rejected. You can learn better ways to deal with it, so that your feelings don't overwhelm you.

 

This chapter of your life is over, and you must turn the page and move on.

[Berkley]

Yes, I pushed him and yes I complained. This was not a 'normal' boss/employee situation. It was one boss, one employee. One boss who for more than two years constantly involved me in all aspects of his business, discussing future expansion, talking about the financial side, asking for input...and who also happened to be getting 'benefits' along the way. I did up all of his advertising for him, printing up flyers, updated his web site - along with taking photos for it, designed and printed all of his business cards - all on my own time....as a favor.....as a friend.

I knew I could not be involved in the heavy construction part of projects...but was promised again and again that I would be a part of the actually planting/picking out materials, etc like we had always done as a team...a team of two.

To get a text message the night before I was finally able to be involved, saying = you're not working tomorrow - with no explanation of why. Of course I was ticked off....and, given how our work relationship had been for so long, of course I wanted answers. Any boss that suddenly pulls you off an important job owes an explanation.

 

 

Given the circumstances of our past, our personal relationship and prior work relationship...how does one not take that rejection personally ?

 

Perhaps if an employee constantly questions a boss' authority, it is grounds for dismissal....but had gone more than two years not questioning his decisions. I'm pretty sure that discrimination based on gender/age are not up there on the human rights chart. Neither is expecting benefits from your employee on lunch breaks to help you relax from the stress of the job they won't let you work on.

So this was hardly a normal situation in any aspect.

 

 

My job was not to take over his business for him, to do all of the workload myself so that he could take a family vacation. In the past, he had to shut the business down if he wanted to get away...he was able to go this year and keep the clients happy only because I was dependable and trustworthy enough to take over all of the responsibilities. If you can't be bothered to thank a long time employee for that extra effort to help you out - then you really shouldn't be a business owner. Respect is a two way street.

I wonder tangledweb - have you ever expected your employees to thank you and be grateful for the privilege of using company equipment - or to kiss your arse with appreciation when you supply them with new uniforms ?

Edited January 27, 2014 by Berkley

[Owl]

Given the circumstances of our past, our personal relationship and prior work relationship...how does one not take that rejection personally ?

 

 

Simple...by keeping it in the proper perspective.

 

In this case, by keeping it in the rearview mirror.

 

It's over, it's done, and you really just need to drive on and put him, his company, his 'friendship', and the affair all in the past.

 

Learn from this...and move on with your life. Stop thinking "why", and focus instead on "what now".

[Berkley]

Quiet Storm - It's impossible not to take rejection personally when the two of you are personally, emotionally and physically involved.

 

 

He should have been open and honest about it from the start instead of lying for a month and continually promising that I'd be up there soon to start working.

[Berkley]

Simple...by keeping it in the proper perspective.

 

In this case, by keeping it in the rearview mirror.

 

It's over, it's done, and you really just need to drive on and put him, his company, his 'friendship', and the affair all in the past.

 

Learn from this...and move on with your life. Stop thinking "why", and focus instead on "what now".

 

 

I am trying to move on...but one can not learn and heal from the past without understanding the mistakes.

One can not simply take such painful experiences and shut them off like a light switch.

[Owl]

I am trying to move on...but one can not learn and heal from the past without understanding the mistakes.

One can not simply take such painful experiences and shut them off like a light switch.

 

Understood. But there is a difference between "shutting them off", and focusing on them.

 

If you feel a flash of emotion due to a memory...acknowledge it, but don't dwell on it. Don't feed it.

 

If you feel that emotion...then stop to analyze it, focus on it, dwell on it, turn it over and over in your mind re-examining it...you're feeding it.

[Owl]

Quiet Storm - It's impossible not to take rejection personally when the two of you are personally, emotionally and physically involved.

He should have been open and honest about it from the start instead of lying for a month and continually promising that I'd be up there soon to start working.

 

Well...I think that this is the mistake you need to focus on, if anything.

 

Your mistake was getting involved with your boss in that fashion. His mistakes are actually irrelevent after acknowledging that fact.

 

The lesson here is simple...don't get involved with married men, don't get involved with your boss. Keep your professional and personal relationships seperate, and you'll avoid a repeat of this issue.

 

What else is there to examine?

[Berkley]

Well...I think that this is the mistake you need to focus on, if anything.

 

Your mistake was getting involved with your boss in that fashion. His mistakes are actually irrelevent after acknowledging that fact.

 

The lesson here is simple...don't get involved with married men, don't get involved with your boss. Keep your professional and personal relationships seperate, and you'll avoid a repeat of this issue.

 

What else is there to examine?

 

 

Yeah, because that's something I do on a regular basis with every job I've ever had....blow the boss during lunch breaks so that I can justify feeling entitled.

He's an innocent victim...poor guy.

 

 

I find it difficult to believe that none of you here would have taken his actions personally...it's just business.

None of you would have been hurt, felt rejected, been angry that after more than two years of working one on one together as a team , you were suddenly just shut out because of your gender or age.

[Owl]

Yeah, because that's something I do on a regular basis with every job I've ever had....blow the boss during lunch breaks so that I can justify feeling entitled.

He's an innocent victim...poor guy.

 

Good grief.

 

Where did I ever infer that he was blameless??? See my earlier post, for goodness sakes.

 

My point...which you clearly missed...was that it doesn't matter if he's to blame or not. It doesn't make a damned bit of difference if he was right or wrong.

 

YOU are responsible for YOUR choices.

 

YOU made the choice to participate in this. (Sure, he did too. Are you responsible for his choice? Can you change what he did, how he treated you? Can you do ANYTHING about his side of the equation???)

 

So...learn from YOUR mistake, quit worrying about his side of this. You can't change it, control it, or do a damned thing about it.

 

I find it difficult to believe that none of you here would have taken his actions personally...it's just business.

None of you would have been hurt, felt rejected, been angry that after more than two years of working one on one together as a team , you were suddenly just shut out because of your gender or age.

 

There are tons of reasons why you may have been shut out...right or wrong.

 

But can you do anything about that now?

 

Are you looking for advice and support...or sympathy?

[woinlove]

Quiet Storm - It's impossible not to take rejection personally when the two of you are personally, emotionally and physically involved.

 

Agree. From your description, it seems like both of you were affected by your A and that affected your work relationship. From your description, he behaved particularly poorly.

 

He should have been open and honest about it from the start instead of lying for a month and continually promising that I'd be up there soon to start working.

 

Agree with this too, if he knew from the start that he would not have you working on the new project. I add that "if" because who knows what the truth is. He may be "blaming" the other guy for a decision he made for whatever reason. He clearly carries out his life with a certain level of deception or "half-truths" as you put it.

 

Everyone here seems to feel that he treated you poorly and I think you already know that, so it is simply being confirmed. Why? Clearly he has been behaving selfishly - getting his "benefits" without being willing to face the consequences of being open and honest about that - certainly to his W but probably also to you. He wanted to unload his stress and worries on you, to relieve some tension, while keeping his marriage and family life going on as before. When he thought it might end up costing him something, he withdrew and behaved badly.

 

As to you, it is not clear what you wanted. As an employee, I think you did not always behave well but, then, you weren't just an employee, you were also an AP. As a friend, I don't think you always behaved well either since a good friend to a MM with a family he says he is dedicated to would not have an affair with him. You behaved as an AP, mixed in with behaving as an employee.

 

But what did you want? You say you wanted a friend, but it does not sound like he was a very good friend for much of your R - as described here as well as previously about being hospitalized, etc. and you both jeopardized your potential friendship by becoming too emotionally involved and physical. He was was someone you had (or have) a strong emotional attachment to, as well as attraction and some physical interaction. Is that what you wanted? Or maybe just the emotional part, not the physical part? Either of those, strong emotional attachment or physical, are best done with someone other than a MM.

[Berkley]

Owl...the point is - this was a one time mistake - I do not make it a habit of getting involved with my bosses, married or not, I also do not make it a habit of getting involved with married men.

I do not need to learn from that so I don't repeat it....it's never happen before and it will never happen again. I paid more than my fair share for it. I don't need to be told it was a mistake or that it was wrong.

 

 

I didn't want it, didn't go looking for it....it happened.

Two people who shared the same interests and passions, who were comfortable with one another, who worked alone daily in isolated situations who developed a connection that got out of control and we ended up crossing the lines..

I've paid dearly for that mistake. I don't need to be told not to do it again. I am not oblivious to the fact that getting involved with a married man is not a good idea.

[Owl]

Owl...the point is - this was a one time mistake - I do not make it a habit of getting involved with my bosses, married or not, I also do not make it a habit of getting involved with married men.

I do not need to learn from that so I don't repeat it....it's never happen before and it will never happen again. I paid more than my fair share for it. I don't need to be told it was a mistake or that it was wrong.

 

 

I didn't want it, didn't go looking for it....it happened.

Two people who shared the same interests and passions, who were comfortable with one another, who worked alone daily in isolated situations who developed a connection that got out of control and we ended up crossing the lines..

I've paid dearly for that mistake. I don't need to be told not to do it again. I am not oblivious to the fact that getting involved with a married man is not a good idea.

 

Having an affair is not a mistake. It doesn't happen in an instant.

 

It happens over time, with both parties repeatedly crossing numerous boundaries...each just slightly over the line than the last.

 

It's a choice...actually a series of choices over time. There were undoubtedly several moments in the build up phase of this where you knew that what you were doing was "over the boundary" of what you should be doing...and yet you deliberately, intentionally proceeded because the pleasure of what you were doing over rode the concern you had for crossing that boundary.

 

He did the same. I am not saying he is blameless. I'm saying he owns HIS side of all this "why"...and you own yours.

 

What do you TRULY hope to gain by spending all this effort focused on his side of things?

 

I get that you feel 'wronged' here. OK...so what if you were? What does it change? How does feeling that way, or even feeling vindicated by having someone else tell you were wronged, change things in any fashion,shape, or form?

 

That's why I suggest you focus on your side of things...the area that you CAN do something about, CAN control.

[beach]

Owl...the point is - this was a one time mistake - I do not make it a habit of getting involved with my bosses, married or not, I also do not make it a habit of getting involved with married men.

I do not need to learn from that so I don't repeat it....it's never happen before and it will never happen again. I paid more than my fair share for it. I don't need to be told it was a mistake or that it was wrong.

 

 

I didn't want it, didn't go looking for it....it happened.

Two people who shared the same interests and passions, who were comfortable with one another, who worked alone daily in isolated situations who developed a connection that got out of control and we ended up crossing the lines..

I've paid dearly for that mistake. I don't need to be told not to do it again. I am not oblivious to the fact that getting involved with a married man is not a good idea.

 

Since you think "it just happened" look at that.

 

It didn't "just happen".

 

You participated in a way that allowed it to happen.

 

Seek help regarding boundaries - and understanding how to stick with a healthy, solid boundary by the way you participate.

 

That would be a good place to start.

[Berkley]

 

Seek help regarding boundaries - and understanding how to stick with a healthy, solid boundary by the way you participate.

 

That would be a good place to start.

 

 

Again....I have gone almost 50 years never having had any issues with boundaries before.

One time. This was the first and only time.

I do not have any ongoing, deep seated issues regarding boundaries.

[Berkley]

What do you TRULY hope to gain by spending all this effort focused on his side of things?

 

I get that you feel 'wronged' here. OK...so what if you were? What does it change? How does feeling that way, or even feeling vindicated by having someone else tell you were wronged, change things in any fashion,shape, or form?

 

That's why I suggest you focus on your side of things...the area that you CAN do something about, CAN control.

 

 

If you notice in the first post - I stated clearly why. Because in trying to understand the entire situation more clearly, I am in fact, trying to discover what caused me to react the way I did to these situations...thus being able to change issues within myself.

It s important to me to try to understand if the way he treated me caused me to react in a certain way...or if it is something in me that took how he treated me to heart and let it affect me more than t should have.

 

 

I have had a very deep mistrust of men for a very long time....and he is the first person that I have let my wall down for, let myself be vulnerable to....let myself trust. So...how and why does matter to my well being and ability to move on...whether you think it makes a difference or not.

[woinlove]

One relationship but around two years or so, right? Not just one time.

 

It's up to you what you want to take away from this. As an outsider, I can see a number of insights/lessons to take away, from your R with MM as well as with his family and the opportunity to learn more about yourself.

 

It's not clear to me what you wanted from this R, how much you want a close emotional bond with a man, whether you actually wanted the physical part. But it is rare (not on this forum, but in life more generally) to invest this much emotional energy and time with a man who says he is dedicated to his marriage and family, so I suspect it did give you something you wanted and may want again. Maybe you want an emotional closeness and/or to be desired.

 

Still, if you would rather view it is a one-time aberration, never to be repeated, and feel you don't need to learn, grow or change, that is up to you.

[beach]

Yes, your reaction to this situation is what allowed it to be this way.

 

It's nothing new - how I react or don't react affects every single interaction I have each day.

 

 

You knew he was married. You participated in a way that shows you had certain expectations.

 

His expectations and the way he has participated aren't aligned with your expectations.

 

Now that he's been squeezing you out - what is your plan to move forward and grow?

[Berkley]

One relationship but around two years or so, right? Not just one time.

 

It's up to you what you want to take away from this. As an outsider, I can see a number of insights/lessons to take away, from your R with MM as well as with his family and the opportunity to learn more about yourself.

 

It's not clear to me what you wanted from this R, how much you want a close emotional bond with a man, whether you actually wanted the physical part. But it is rare (not on this forum, but in life more generally) to invest this much emotional energy and time with a man who says he is dedicated to his marriage and family, so I suspect it did give you something you wanted and may want again. Maybe you want an emotional closeness and/or to be desired.

 

Still, if you would rather view it is a one-time aberration, never to be repeated, and feel you don't need to learn, grow or change, that is up to you.

 

 

I have said repeatedly that I need/want to learn, grow, change.

 

 

My comments clearly stated that I do not need to learn or be told not to become involved with a married man again. That one is pretty much a no brainer.

[beach]

I have said repeatedly that I need/want to learn, grow, change.

 

 

My comments clearly stated that I do not need to learn or be told not to become involved with a married man again. That one is pretty much a no brainer.

 

That's a good start. What is it that you can change about yourself?

[Owl]

I have said repeatedly that I need/want to learn, grow, change.

 

 

Question...and I promise I am not trying to be a smart-A, or set you up for a snarky comment.

 

What, specifically, are you need/wanting to learn? How specifically, are you hoping to grow or change as a result of what you hear here?

 

Again, I'm not calling you out. I guess I'm just a little confused, because I'm not clear about what you're truly hoping to GAIN from discussing this. How will this discussion help you to learn/grow/change, if the discussion isn't about being an OW, or about the affair?

 

This thread might belong in the general relationships forum, instead of here on the OW forum.