Working through work/boss/mm issues

[woinlove]

Just saw your post above where you say you do want to learn and change. I agree with Owl - for that you will need to focus on your own actions, figure out what it was you wanted, what you were getting that kept you in that dynamic, and how you would like to satisfy those wants or needs in the future.

 

I see a certain amount of denial from focussing on the friendship part, to feeling you weren't an OW, to considering yourself a friend of his wife, to thinking you are fine with being alone. Most people would think being alone for a few years was highly preferable to spending a few years in the type of relationship you had with xMM. I suspect you went through all that because it gave you something you wanted beyond a friendship.

[Berkley]

Question...and I promise I am not trying to be a smart-A, or set you up for a snarky comment.

 

What, specifically, are you need/wanting to learn? How specifically, are you hoping to grow or change as a result of what you hear here?

 

Again, I'm not calling you out. I guess I'm just a little confused, because I'm not clear about what you're truly hoping to GAIN from discussing this. How will this discussion help you to learn/grow/change, if the discussion isn't about being an OW, or about the affair?

 

This thread might belong in the general relationships forum, instead of here on the OW forum.

 

I have never once said that our work related issues did not had a lot to do with the affair. I had hoped though, that posting in this forum as opposed to the other ones, would have alleviated all of the judgement about being involved with a married person.

I have never questioned whether it was right or wrong to get involved with a MM...and seriously am not impressed that you and several others have turned this into a lecture about affairs and how I should learn not to do that again.

 

 

I don't see anywhere in my posts where I ask if having an A with him was a good idea or if I should do it again.

[Quiet Storm]

Quiet Storm - It's impossible not to take rejection personally when the two of you are personally, emotionally and physically involved.

 

 

He should have been open and honest about it from the start instead of lying for a month and continually promising that I'd be up there soon to start working.

 

I disagree that it's impossible not to take things personally. I think that even when you are involved with someone, you can be objective. You may not be able to avoid feeling wounded, but you can use logic to put it in perspective. You logically know that he needed this job. You logically know that he wants to please his customer. You logically know that he is working to earn money, grow his business, build up a good reputation. You can use this knowledge to steer your emotions. Your self talk (inner thoughts) need to change. Instead of "How could he do this? What didn't he stick up for me? I've done so much for him", think "This is disappointing, but I'll take one for the team. He is doing this to please the customer, not to purposely hurt me."

 

I agree that he shouldn't have lied to you. He made many poor choices. He should've never had a physical relationship with you. He should've kept everything professional and he didn't. That was wrong, and he lost an experienced & dedicated employee because of his poor boundaries. Hopefully, he will learn from his mistakes.

 

He is 100% at fault for not keeping the work environment professional. However, he is not responsible for your feelings. Your feelings and your actions (and reactions) are 100% on you. You can say "No" to providing favors, you can avoid personal conversations, you can quit the job if the environment is damaging to you. Acknowledging your part in this doesn't mean he isn't to blame for his actions.

 

You both made poor choices due to bad boundaries. However, focusing on what he did to you is just going to prolong your victimhood. It is much more empowering & constructive to focus on you, your healing, the future, etc.

 

I don't say this because I am judging you as an OW. This same situation could have happened if he was single. It's not a good idea to mix business with pleasure, regardless of marital status.

Edited January 27, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[Owl]

I have never once said that our work related issues did not had a lot to do with the affair. I had hoped though, that posting in this forum as opposed to the other ones, would have alleviated all of the judgement about being involved with a married person.

I have never questioned whether it was right or wrong to get involved with a MM...and seriously am not impressed that you and several others have turned this into a lecture about affairs and how I should learn not to do that again.

 

 

I don't see anywhere in my posts where I ask if having an A with him was a good idea or if I should do it again.

 

I still don't see an answer to the post you quoted when you replied to this.

 

I don't get what...specifically....what are you hoping to learn/change/grow from?

 

What is it that you're hoping to learn...especially as it ties into being an OW?

 

If you're asking a general "why did he act like this"...that's got nothing to do with being an OW, and the thread probably needs to be moved to the general relationship forum.

 

If the OW dynamic is part of the question...then it does indeed belong here...and that would explain why the FOCUS of all the responses here have been on that dynamic, and not about the general relationship question.

[Berkley]

Just saw your post above where you say you do want to learn and change. I agree with Owl - for that you will need to focus on your own actions, figure out what it was you wanted, what you were getting that kept you in that dynamic, and how you would like to satisfy those wants or needs in the future.

 

I see a certain amount of denial from focussing on the friendship part, to feeling you weren't an OW, to considering yourself a friend of his wife, to thinking you are fine with being alone. Most people would think being alone for a few years was highly preferable to spending a few years in the type of relationship you had with xMM. I suspect you went through all that because it gave you something you wanted beyond a friendship.

 

 

Again, please note my first post...where I specifically ask about my own actions/reactions in regards to the issues at work and events that occurred.

 

 

What I got out of it was what everyone else wants from any relationship - companionship, comfort, feeling needed - desired, being held, intimacy, laughter, common interests. The same things that lead to most every affair out there

[Berkley]

I still don't see an answer to the post you quoted when you replied to this.

 

I don't get what...specifically....what are you hoping to learn/change/grow from?

 

What is it that you're hoping to learn...especially as it ties into being an OW?

 

If you're asking a general "why did he act like this"...that's got nothing to do with being an OW, and the thread probably needs to be moved to the general relationship forum.

 

If the OW dynamic is part of the question...then it does indeed belong here...and that would explain why the FOCUS of all the responses here have been on that dynamic, and not about the general relationship question.

 

 

I actually did address it:

 

 

 

If you notice in the first post - I stated clearly why. Because in trying to understand the entire situation more clearly, I am in fact, trying to discover what caused me to react the way I did to these situations...thus being able to change issues within myself.

It s important to me to try to understand if the way he treated me caused me to react in a certain way...or if it is something in me that took how he treated me to heart and let it affect me more than t should have.

 

 

I have had a very deep mistrust of men for a very long time....and he is the first person that I have let my wall down for, let myself be vulnerable to....let myself trust. So...how and why does matter to my well being and ability to move on...whether you think it makes a difference or not.

[whatatangledweb]

 

I wonder tangledweb - have you ever expected your employees to thank you and be grateful for the privilege of using company equipment - or to kiss your arse with appreciation when you supply them with new uniforms ?

 

I didn't supply uniforms. I didn't want nor need employees to kiss my ass. I wanted them to do the job they were hired for. I thanked my employees everyday.( our jobs were physically demanding and I did the same jobs they were doing) That is just the type of person I am. Most bosses do not do that. I treated them with respect. I treated them the way I wanted to be treated.

 

I think your boss handled it wrong. He treated you as a partner for the first two years. Then he completely changed it to a boss and employee working relationship. He gave you no notice so you were hurt and offended by it. I would have been as well. He should have sat down with you and told you that the work environment was different now.

 

You asked for feedback. I don't see why you feel the need to lash out when it it given .

[Berkley]

I disagree that it's impossible not to take things personally. I think that even when you are involved with someone, you can be objective. You may not be able to avoid feeling wounded, but you can use logic to put it in perspective. You logically know that he needed this job. You logically know that he wants to please his customer. You logically know that he is working to earn money, grow his business, build up a good reputation. You can use this knowledge to steer your emotions. Your self talk (inner thoughts) need to change. Instead of "How could he do this? What didn't he stick up for me? I've done so much for him", think "This is disappointing, but I'll take one for the team. He is doing this to please the customer, not to purposely hurt me."

 

I agree that he shouldn't have lied to you. He made many poor choices. He should've never had a physical relationship with you. He should've kept everything professional and he didn't. That was wrong, and he lost an experienced & dedicated employee because of his poor boundaries. Hopefully, he will learn from his mistakes.

 

He is 100% at fault for not keeping the work environment professional. However, he is not responsible for your feelings. Your feelings and your actions (and reactions) are 100% on you. You can say "No" to providing favors, you can avoid personal conversations, you can quit the job if the environment is damaging to you. Acknowledging your part in this doesn't mean he isn't to blame for his actions.

 

You both made poor choices due to bad boundaries. However, focusing on what he did to you is just going to prolong your victimhood. It is much more empowering & constructive to focus on you, your healing, the future, etc.

 

I don't say this because I am judging you as an OW. This same situation could have happened if he was single. It's not a good idea to mix business with pleasure, regardless of marital status.

 

 

I will reword that then...it is impossible for ME not to take things personally. Others may be capable of separating their feelings in situations, I've never been able to.

I do understand that this was a business opportunity for him...but no, I do not understand how or why having his best ( only ) employee doing the planting would be in any way a negative to his business. a simple explanation to the developer as to mu experience and how it would benefit the outcome would have been all that he needed to do....I was only asking to be involved in that one small way. None of the young guys he hired as temps had any experience in that field...none.

Excluding me from doing what we had always done together, and had always really enjoyed tremendously - which was going to choose all of the plant material - would have prevented me from feeling ostracised and would have done nothing to compromise his position with the developer.

 

 

Being suddenly and completely left out after 2 1/2 years of the two of us being involved in everything together was hard to accept.

[Berkley]

I didn't supply uniforms. I didn't want nor need employees to kiss my ass. I wanted them to do the job they were hired for. I thanked my employees everyday.( our jobs were physically demanding and I did the same jobs they were doing) That is just the type of person I am. Most bosses do not do that. I treated them with respect. I treated them the way I wanted to be treated.

 

I think your boss handled it wrong. He treated you as a partner for the first two years. Then he completely changed it to a boss and employee working relationship. He gave you no notice so you were hurt and offended by it. I would have been as well. He should have sat down with you and told you that the work environment was different now.

 

You asked for feedback. I don't see why you feel the need to lash out when it it given .

 

 

I lashed out because you suggested that I had no right to expect to be thanked for doing my job....but it wasn't simply a matter of performing the regular day to day job that I was hired to do....and we also worked in a physically demanding environment, and he usually would thank me at the end of the day, which is why this incident was such a blow.

I was hurt that he seemed not to even notice...and of course, that he turned it around to blame me for not being grateful to him for allowing me to use the company equipment to do my job.

It probably wouldn't have bothered me if it was usual for him not to show an ounce of appreciation.

 

 

I apologize, this s all very personal and emotional for me.

Edited January 27, 2014 by Berkley

[Snipercatt]

Berkley, there are many dynamics described in your post.

 

Regardless how many employees a business hss the boss gets to decide how to run it. Regardless of the nature of personal relationships, when at work, the boss decides and the employee does, or doesn't do, the work, per the boss. I know many bosses toi fickle to tell an employee no, and then to later blame it on upper management later. In your case he used the developer as an excuse.

 

I think your expectationd were out of line. You focus a lot on feelings and say that is how you are. If so you may be in for more disappointments on future jobs. You may have felt like a partner, but he was boss and owner. He should have been paying you for work related duties; marketing, web presence, planting, etc. You may have been a "partner" in business discussions, but the final decisions were his. I think your feelings are what got you into this relationship and what continued to get you in trouble after things were changing.

 

Regardless if what a boss promises regarding a project, they are free to change their mind before, during, or any time, whether they have 1, 2, or thousands of employees. That's a fact.

 

Upon feeling rejected your posts indicate you played the "blow-job" entitlement card. Understandable, but again, not appropriate to use it regarding work related matters.

 

Everyone is capable of managing their emotions. It takes practice and significant introspection to accomplish it. You can choose to work on that or let it be an excuse.

 

I would have been hurt to be excluded off a project I'd been promised, but I'd accept it and move on, or find another job.

[Owl]

Am I crazy ? Did I overreact? Was I treated fairly ? Was I just jealous, resentful and spiteful or was he really being a dick ???

Many times he twisted events, meanings, so much that it left me questioning myself, my sanity.

It destroyed every ounce of self respect and self worth I had left....and I don't know how to work through it, how to heal from it if I'm not even sure what's real and what's not!

 

OK...in an effort to give you what you're asking for.

 

I've re-read the opening post in this thread again, end to end.

 

From what I've read, I agree somewhat with what both Snipercatt and Whatatangledweb have said.

 

He made a lot of mistakes. He set inconsistent boundaries (and I'm still just talking about the work side of things) with you. One moment, he'd treat you like a partner, and make you feel like a partner. The next, a peon.

 

That's darned confusing for anyone to deal with.

 

Then add in the layer of confusion created by your personal interactions with him...I get why you were confused for some part of this.

 

But...he set clear expectations/boundaries relatively early on. The first time things went south between you, he made it clear you were an employee, not a partner. That first time he "threw you under the bus"...that was on him. But, after that, you should have limited your own expectations and interactions to being an employee only...he made it clear you were NOT his partner. Expecting to be treated as such after that first time was just setting yourself up for more heartbreak.

 

You should have had a flat out, sit down, boss to employee discussion with him on your roles and responsibilities. You should have INSISTED on it, given your confusion over roles between the two of you.

 

And I do believe that you brought some of your relationship expectations into your working relationship. He (according to what I've read) didn't mix the two relationships the same way that you did.

 

Both of you did things wrong here.

 

For your own part...as you resume working with others in the future, insist on clear cut roles and responsibilities. Make sure that you understand what your position is...and if your boss starts to create a situation where you're confused...ask them to spell out what their expectations of you are clearly.

 

Don't be afraid to make sure you clearly understand what they see as your role in the business is...and make sure that your expectations match theirs. If you find that there's a discrepancy...address it, or find another job if you need to.

 

And if your work relationship ever starts to bleed over into a personal relationship...kill it quick, before you suffer a repeat of this situation.

[Berkley]

Berkley, there are many dynamics described in your post.

 

Regardless how many employees a business hss the boss gets to decide how to run it. Regardless of the nature of personal relationships, when at work, the boss decides and the employee does, or doesn't do, the work, per the boss. I know many bosses toi fickle to tell an employee no, and then to later blame it on upper management later. In your case he used the developer as an excuse.

 

I think your expectationd were out of line. You focus a lot on feelings and say that is how you are. If so you may be in for more disappointments on future jobs. You may have felt like a partner, but he was boss and owner. He should have been paying you for work related duties; marketing, web presence, planting, etc. You may have been a "partner" in business discussions, but the final decisions were his. I think your feelings are what got you into this relationship and what continued to get you in trouble after things were changing.

 

Regardless if what a boss promises regarding a project, they are free to change their mind before, during, or any time, whether they have 1, 2, or thousands of employees. That's a fact.

 

Upon feeling rejected your posts indicate you played the "blow-job" entitlement card. Understandable, but again, not appropriate to use it regarding work related matters.

 

Everyone is capable of managing their emotions. It takes practice and significant introspection to accomplish it. You can choose to work on that or let it be an excuse.

 

I would have been hurt to be excluded off a project I'd been promised, but I'd accept it and move on, or find another job.

 

 

 

I don't feel like my expectations were out of line at all given the circumstances. For two years he struggled to decide how to build his business after personal crisis at home destroyed a lot of his business, and his drive and ambition. I spent two years trying to build him up, encourage him - I suggested over and over again that he should expand into the construction side of things - but was dismissed for various reasons. I did all of the PR stuff for him on my time to help him, as a friend, because I cared as much about his business and success as he did...and many times, even more so.

 

 

So imagine the sting when he did decide to expand into the construction side...and then completely shut me out of it after I had suggested and encouraged it for two years prior.

 

 

I did not, nor have I ever felt entitled to anything because he was getting 'benefits' on the side. My post did not suggest that....what I said was that it made me feel like crap to be ostracized from the project, only to have him expect for me to be there to help him relax and de-stress from the project that I wasn't allowed to work on by giving him massages and BJs. That did not make me feel entitled or enpowered...it made me feel used and belittled.

I'm not so sure you'd accept that and carry on as usual.

 

 

There is no doubt in my mind that I need to somehow work on trying to control my emotions....I just really don't know how.

[Berkley]

OK...in an effort to give you what you're asking for.

 

I've re-read the opening post in this thread again, end to end.

 

From what I've read, I agree somewhat with what both Snipercatt and Whatatangledweb have said.

 

He made a lot of mistakes. He set inconsistent boundaries (and I'm still just talking about the work side of things) with you. One moment, he'd treat you like a partner, and make you feel like a partner. The next, a peon.

 

That's darned confusing for anyone to deal with.

 

Then add in the layer of confusion created by your personal interactions with him...I get why you were confused for some part of this.

 

But...he set clear expectations/boundaries relatively early on. The first time things went south between you, he made it clear you were an employee, not a partner. That first time he "threw you under the bus"...that was on him. But, after that, you should have limited your own expectations and interactions to being an employee only...he made it clear you were NOT his partner. Expecting to be treated as such after that first time was just setting yourself up for more heartbreak.

 

You should have had a flat out, sit down, boss to employee discussion with him on your roles and responsibilities. You should have INSISTED on it, given your confusion over roles between the two of you.

 

And I do believe that you brought some of your relationship expectations into your working relationship. He (according to what I've read) didn't mix the two relationships the same way that you did.

 

Both of you did things wrong here.

 

For your own part...as you resume working with others in the future, insist on clear cut roles and responsibilities. Make sure that you understand what your position is...and if your boss starts to create a situation where you're confused...ask them to spell out what their expectations of you are clearly.

 

Don't be afraid to make sure you clearly understand what they see as your role in the business is...and make sure that your expectations match theirs. If you find that there's a discrepancy...address it, or find another job if you need to.

 

And if your work relationship ever starts to bleed over into a personal relationship...kill it quick, before you suffer a repeat of this situation.

 

 

I agree with most of your post Owl...with one big exception - I did not expect to be treated as a partner. I never expected for one minute to be included in the decision making, planning, business side of this project. Did not expect to be up there the whole time, working side by side. I know I could not do a lot of the heavy physical work, I am not licensed nor trained to run heavy equipment. I wanted no say in who he hired or what his temp employees were to do. didn't expect any of that...which is what a business partner would expect.

I expected only one thing from him - to be included as a skilled employee in the parts of the project I was more skilled and experienced in than anyone else up there - to be included as I had been for the past 2 1/2 years.

I was more than happy to continue to help him run the rest of his business while they were busy doing their thing up there. Without me, he would have lost a great majority of his clients due to neglecting their business. I expected respect and appreciation for stepping up....and being included in some way when he knew how important it was...being as what they were doing was the best part of our job and something he knew very well I loved doing - instead of just being completely shut out and cut down.

[Quiet Storm]

I am posting this because asked if you are crazy, if you overreacted, etc. I do not think you are crazy, but you may benefit from reading about how people with Borderline Personality Disorder learn to cope. DBT Therapy would probably be very beneficial for you. It teaches you how to regulate your emotions, how to tolerate stressful situations and how to manage relationships.

 

Borderline is at the extreme end of the scale and I doubt you have it, but this situation has brought out some traits that are similar (just not as extreme). The inability to manage your emotions, black & white thinking, boundary issues, feeling abandoned & worthless, etc. are all common in Borderlines. My sister has the disorder, and your line of thinking is very similar to how she would react in these circumstances. I am not saying that I think you are a Borderline- just that many people have the same traits to a lesser degree, and the methods & therapies can be used to help non-borderlines, as well.

[Owl]

As a skilled employee working for a small company...the only expectations you can have are those set by the boss.

 

He led you on for a while that he'd bring you in on the project...and then he made it pretty clear that this wasn't what he was going to do.

 

At that point, you should have reset your expectations.

 

His actions, and his treatment of you, made it clear what he was doing. At that point, you had a choice to either accept it, communicate with him about it, or leave.

 

When you're working for a small company with basically one other person who owns it...he's the one who sets the stage, unless he GIVES you more authority and power.

 

He didn't.

 

You made it clear in your opening post that you FELT like a partner...and a lot of your resentment seems to be centered around the fact that at the end of the day, you weren't.

 

You kinda just gotta suck it up as a learning experience, and drive on.

[Quiet Storm]

I agree with most of your post Owl...with one big exception - I did not expect to be treated as a partner. I never expected for one minute to be included in the decision making, planning, business side of this project. Did not expect to be up there the whole time, working side by side. I know I could not do a lot of the heavy physical work, I am not licensed nor trained to run heavy equipment. I wanted no say in who he hired or what his temp employees were to do. didn't expect any of that...which is what a business partner would expect.

I expected only one thing from him - to be included as a skilled employee in the parts of the project I was more skilled and experienced in than anyone else up there - to be included as I had been for the past 2 1/2 years.

I was more than happy to continue to help him run the rest of his business while they were busy doing their thing up there. Without me, he would have lost a great majority of his clients due to neglecting their business. I expected respect and appreciation for stepping up....and being included in some way when he knew how important it was...being as what they were doing was the best part of our job and something he knew very well I loved doing - instead of just being completely shut out and cut down.

 

Your feelings are valid, but I don't think you will ever know why he treated you like that. It wasn't fair to you, and he should have handled things differently. You shouldn't feel worthless because of this though. You are worth so much more than what some flawed cheater thinks about you.

[Berkley]

 

You made it clear in your opening post that you FELT like a partner...and a lot of your resentment seems to be centered around the fact that at the end of the day, you weren't.

 

You kinda just gotta suck it up as a learning experience, and drive on.

 

This is what I said:

He even started talking about branching out - coming up with ideas that we could do together in a partnership role - or as me being a manager/supervisor.

 

 

Not that I felt like I was a business partner at all...but that HE was coming up with ideas to expand to make me one.

[Owl]

I've given all the advice I've got for you. Hope you get what you're looking for.

[HermioneG]

I am posting this because asked if you are crazy, if you overreacted, etc. I do not think you are crazy, but you may benefit from reading about how people with Borderline Personality Disorder learn to cope. DBT Therapy would probably be very beneficial for you. It teaches you how to regulate your emotions, how to tolerate stressful situations and how to manage relationships.

 

Borderline is at the extreme end of the scale and I doubt you have it, but this situation has brought out some traits that are similar (just not as extreme). The inability to manage your emotions, black & white thinking, boundary issues, feeling abandoned & worthless, etc. are all common in Borderlines. My sister has the disorder, and your line of thinking is very similar to how she would react in these circumstances. I am not saying that I think you are a Borderline- just that many people have the same traits to a lesser degree, and the methods & therapies can be used to help non-borderlines, as well.

 

I think this is an excellent idea, and I agree. It might bring you a lot of relief.

[Berkley]

I am posting this because asked if you are crazy, if you overreacted, etc. I do not think you are crazy, but you may benefit from reading about how people with Borderline Personality Disorder learn to cope. DBT Therapy would probably be very beneficial for you. It teaches you how to regulate your emotions, how to tolerate stressful situations and how to manage relationships.

 

Borderline is at the extreme end of the scale and I doubt you have it, but this situation has brought out some traits that are similar (just not as extreme). The inability to manage your emotions, black & white thinking, boundary issues, feeling abandoned & worthless, etc. are all common in Borderlines. My sister has the disorder, and your line of thinking is very similar to how she would react in these circumstances. I am not saying that I think you are a Borderline- just that many people have the same traits to a lesser degree, and the methods & therapies can be used to help non-borderlines, as well.

 

 

I'm not sure managing relationships has much to do with it...I managed to sustain a 19 year marriage. I've also spent a lifetime managing stressful situations and have never had any past issues with boss', employers or authority figures.

Meaning....these things are not repeated patterns, but apply only to this particular relationship/situation.

 

 

If you read my other threads, you will see that I had already been dealing with several very stressful situations in my life, including a life threatening accident, major surgery, life-long pain and nerve damage, degenerative disease, separation from my children and depression. All life altering, but I was still managing fairly well....until...

 

 

I think that the roller coaster nightmare that occurred just prior to this new project already had me on the edge of emotional overload. Someone who I had been so close to for 2 1/2 years - someone I had trusted, confided in, shared so much of my life with - and vice versa. Someone who I continually defended and was completely and unquestionably loyal to. Someone who I enjoyed being with every day. Then over night, that somebody completely turned on me.

In an attempt to distance himself and drive me away - he became the most horrendous ********* I've ever met. For more than a month every day at the job I loved so much for so long became hell. He constantly cut me down, insulted me, blew up at me over everything and anything, criticized me and treated me like dirt.

 

 

I was an emotional mess and was being beat up on a daily basis by the person I trusted and cared deeply for.

So, coming in to this rejection and ostracism I was already at an all time emotional low that had shattered my self worth.

I think that had a great deal to do with how I reacted to the situation with the project.

[beach]

How can you stop handing him all your power now - and moving forward?

 

It's an important question to answer for yourself.

 

 

He let you down - yes. He's not the man you thought he could be.

 

But now that you know that he is capable of being this way toward you - how are you planning to become neutral about him?

[Berkley]

How can you stop handing him all your power now - and moving forward?

 

It's an important question to answer for yourself.

 

 

He let you down - yes. He's not the man you thought he could be.

 

But now that you know that he is capable of being this way toward you - how are you planning to become neutral about him?

 

 

 

He can't treat me any way now...I no longer work for him and have not seen him for two months.

I just need to figure out how to heal from all of this

[jellybean89]

You seem incredibly defensive to the replies you have gotten and I don't get why. People too kthe time to respond and your responses seem to be harsh, snarky and belittling.

 

I agree that you crossed boundaries with how you spike and treated your boss. He easily could have fired you for insubordination. He is the boss, not you. They were his clients, not "ours". You were hired to do a job, you shouldn't need to be thanked repeatedly for doing your job. He did not have to include you in his decisions and he told you repeatedly you were not going to be involved in the new project. You should have respected his decision instead of having an attitude about it. I can't imagine speaking to my boss the way you spoke to your former boss. And any "benefits" (bj's) he received from you were a choice YOU chose to make/give. YOU did those things, which is not normal workplace behavior. I work alone with my boss - every single day for the last 3 years - but I am not the boss - he is. And I have never once thought to relieve his stress with physical intimacy.

 

From what you have posted, my opinion is you became too needy, too clingy, too demanding and he couldn't take it anymore. When he distanced himself, is that when you began to offer his physical stress relief? Was that your way to hang onto him? Did you think that if you did those things, he would be more open to including you?

 

I don't think age had anything to do with it. I think you were pissed off he wasn't including you and you behaved inappropriately. Yes, he sounds like he was pissy with you - and each time he fired and then rehired you, you chose to keep going back knowing full well how the cycle would repeat. You keep focusing on how you were the BEST & only employee--- but you forget he had his business before you and he will continue to have it now, if he so desires. Remember, everyone is replaceable.

 

And you crossed a line mowing his yard while he was gone. He didn't ask you to do that - you took it upon yourself to go to his home and do something "personal". He had every right to be angry about that. All the work you did on personal time was a choice you made. You have culpability in how things went done.

 

In future employment, do the tasks assigned to you, remember who the boss is and when your shift is over, go home and end your work day. If asked your opinion, you can share it but the boss is by no means obligated to follow your suggestions.

 

None of the above has anything to do with being an OW...it is in response to feedback that you asked for.

[Berkley]

You seem incredibly defensive to the replies you have gotten and I don't get why. People too kthe time to respond and your responses seem to be harsh, snarky and belittling.

 

I agree that you crossed boundaries with how you spike and treated your boss. He easily could have fired you for insubordination. He is the boss, not you. They were his clients, not "ours". You were hired to do a job, you shouldn't need to be thanked repeatedly for doing your job. He did not have to include you in his decisions and he told you repeatedly you were not going to be involved in the new project. You should have respected his decision instead of having an attitude about it. I can't imagine speaking to my boss the way you spoke to your former boss. And any "benefits" (bj's) he received from you were a choice YOU chose to make/give. YOU did those things, which is not normal workplace behavior. I work alone with my boss - every single day for the last 3 years - but I am not the boss - he is. And I have never once thought to relieve his stress with physical intimacy.

 

From what you have posted, my opinion is you became too needy, too clingy, too demanding and he couldn't take it anymore. When he distanced himself, is that when you began to offer his physical stress relief? Was that your way to hang onto him? Did you think that if you did those things, he would be more open to including you?

 

I don't think age had anything to do with it. I think you were pissed off he wasn't including you and you behaved inappropriately. Yes, he sounds like he was pissy with you - and each time he fired and then rehired you, you chose to keep going back knowing full well how the cycle would repeat. You keep focusing on how you were the BEST & only employee--- but you forget he had his business before you and he will continue to have it now, if he so desires. Remember, everyone is replaceable.

 

And you crossed a line mowing his yard while he was gone. He didn't ask you to do that - you took it upon yourself to go to his home and do something "personal". He had every right to be angry about that. All the work you did on personal time was a choice you made. You have culpability in how things went done.

 

In future employment, do the tasks assigned to you, remember who the boss is and when your shift is over, go home and end your work day. If asked your opinion, you can share it but the boss is by no means obligated to follow your suggestions.

 

None of the above has anything to do with being an OW...it is in response to feedback that you asked for.

 

 

I certainly did not start to give him benefits in order to hang on to him or to pull him in when he distanced me....we had been involved for two years prior. It was a relationship that he initiated, and yes, I willingly participated in.

 

 

He didn't repeatedly tell me I would not be involved in the project....for a month he repeatedly told me I WAS going to be involved.

 

 

I didn't take it upon myself to go to his home to do anything....I was at his home twice a day, every day. it is where I went every morning to start work, and while he was away, it was where I went to pick up the truck, trailer and equipment for work. He wasn't angry at me for going to his home or for mowing his lawn....it's not the first time I've helped him out in his yard in the last three years when he's really busy or away.

We were friends, we did nice things for each other.

 

 

I've never had any problems with jobs or employers in my life. This was not, in any sense, a normal working relationship.

 

 

I don't intend to come across as harsh or belittling at all...I apologize to anyone I have offended. many responses come off as personal judgments and attacks and put me on the defensive. I'm going through a very rough time right now and am probably not at my best lately.

Edited January 28, 2014 by Berkley

[rumbleseat]

I worked in the Hirt field for many years, and well know how difficult and physically demanding it can be. I feel for you with thAt.

 

 

That being said, you seem to have a real feeling of entitlement. Yes, he was acting like a real jerk, but you played a part too.

 

You also seem to have very poor boundaries. You may have felt like you deserved certain roles, but ultimately, the company was his. If it bottomed out, he would be the one to take the hit. He was the one taking the risks and would pay the biggest price if they didn't pan out.

 

He also seems to have really crappy boundaries, and should never have started getting "friendly" with someone who worked for him. He should have realized that and kept the relationship professional.

 

In the end, the whole thing sounds like on big drama fest, and you are both better off not working together.

 

If there is anything I would suggest you take away from this, it's that you "know your role". You say he mentioned expanding and making you a supervisor/manager. That's great, but it did not mean that he viewed you in that capacity until such a time as said expansion happened, and even them, he would let you know.

 

I'm not trying to sound mean to you, but if you truly want to learn from this, try and see that you did make some mistakes. It doesn't excuse his cruddy behavior, and it won't change what happened, but it will be useful to you in the future.