I can't defend myself sometimes and become so hard on myself

[Kitchen]

So when I was younger I was really bad at sticking up for myself. People used to walk all over me, take advantage of me, and mostly talk **** to me and I wouldn't be able to handle it properly. I got better at a lot of that, except when it comes to spur of the moment thinking when someone is being nasty to me and I don't talk back. This doesn't happen often but when it does, I become REALLY hard on myself for many days after that, even if the situation had nothing to do with or had no effect on my life, and even if it is a stranger that is being a jerk.

 

For example, I was at a party the other night and this girl completely bitched me out because I made a joke, which wasn't offensive at all, to her friend. I can't say details because I don't want to be found on the internet, but it was not an offensive joke at all, and the friend didn't mind. But I guess the girl felt the need to vehemently defend her girlfriend and said all these terrible things to me.I just stood there shocked, rolled my eyes in a stupid passive aggressive way and walked away. Please don't assume that it was an offensive joke, it really wasn't, but I just can't write it here for privacy reasons.

 

Ever since then I can't stop thinking about that moment, and it's really making me sick. I'm not hurt at all by what she said but I'm just really angry at myself for not reacting properly. So much so that I can't concentrate on my work because I keep getting these bursts of anger. I always tell myself that next time I'll have the courage to speak up, but those times come at the most unexpected moments and I just freeze. :-(

 

I feel like a wuss and not like a man. I wish I could change this but it seems impossible. I'm just so hard on myself and am my own worst enemy. I think a big reason for this is because when I was younger my mom would always tell me how I need to toughen up and stick up for myself. She herself was paranoid that I would get taken advantage of, which I did at times. But then she would point it out to me and make me feel worse for being that way. I think that's the reason why I am like this.

 

But anyway this just seems like a terrible trap because I can't change myself and can't help but get depressed whenever this happens. Can anyone relate to this or give a suggestion on what to do?

 

Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.

[Confuddled1983]

You know I actually think rolling your eyes and walking away was the best thing to do in that situation. The best way to stop peoples nastiness and abusiveness is to simply walk away - it also annoys the heck out of them too, they'd love nothing more than for you to get worked up and cause a scene or indulge in their drama with them. Walking away stops them in their tracks.

 

I don't really have any advice on being more assertive but I know there are many assertiveness course you can take online that may be able to help.

[jba10582]

I can relate...not exactly in the same situation you describe but from own search and digging deep into the actual causes of some of the negative emotions. First, my belief is that anger stems from other root emotions such as being hurt, frustration, and fear, and these stem from needs, wants, desires, and expectations not being met. I am not going to go into why a subtle understanding of the cause of human suffering and spirituality can help, but you may imagine why, and I won't take that any further. In my own situation, one of my own "wants or needs" is to be understood. In some instances in my past, a lot has been misinterpreted and misunderstood which can cause hurt and frustration thus leading to a disguised emotion of anger. When you told the joke, to your friend, you were "resonating" on the same wavelength (same page, seeing-eye to eye ect..) and you were probably in verbal and non-verbal rapport, (the actual neurology, the emotions), and the meaning was understood on a deeper level. The other girl likely was not on the same level, likely reacted in a non-conscious (maybe even shallow) and guarded shielded way, and probably misinterpreted your message by creating her own rules ideas of healthy boundaries (which she may or may not have felt were legit), and she allowed herself to get or act offended by the message and left. At the same time, your own emotional state may have been projecting something apriori and only you knew what was in your heart at the time. When she got offended, you allowed her reaction to shift your own emotional state thus giving you own personal power away at the time...and that belongs to you. I am currently reading a book called the anatomy of peace, and I do not know if the situation applies to you or not, but one of the main themes in conflicts in relationships, business, or even in global conflicts is a warring mindset, in that, people treat others as objects and not as people. And, in doing so, often have strong beliefs and ideas that they hate, so strong that the ignore evidence to the contrary, and then provoke the very feelings that they hate or believe to be in others, thus inviting the conflict into their life...a huge illness of the human mind that I am guilty of many times over.

Edited January 27, 2014 by jba10582