Bf confessed to watching porn

[JanuaryFrost]

So..I've been with the same guy for a year and in the beginning of our relationship he admitted to me that he had watched porn...so it was the start of our relationship so I figured, everyone makes mistakes as long as he doesn't do it again, because he had been single for a while so I guess he was just used to it. But about 4 months ago he confessed to doing it again and promised he would never do it again, yadda yadda...but the thing is, that's exactly what he said the first time and I know I really shouldn't be too upset about it because I've been told all guys do this. But it just makes me feel like I'm not wanted, or not good enough. Don't get me wrong he tells me all the time how much he adores every part of me and I'm not lacking anything I need from him it's just, it makes me feel bad because I already have self esteem issues and this just makes it worse. I've tried looking at it like it's better that he looks at porn, rather than him actually going out and doing stuff with other people when I'm not around. He did apologize continuously and maybe I'm just being too jealous or controlling, but I just wanted to get other peoples opinions on it. I've been wanting to ask him if he's had any drawbacks with his promise recently but I'm worried he will get pissed at me. Because I hate starting arguments. Especially when I might be acting a little crazy about a situation that we don't need to discuss anymore because it's done and over with.

Edited January 27, 2014 by JanuaryFrost

[Philosoraptor]

So you admit you have self esteem issues. Ask yourself if you didn't have these issues do you believe you would have issues with him watching porn? Would you feel better with him just fantasizing about whomever while he masturbates? Do you have issues with him masturbating?

 

Drill down to the real issues here so you know where you stand personally. Then after you figure that out you can figure out the best way to logically approach this situation.

[somedude81]

So..I've been with the same guy for a year and in the beginning of our relationship he admitted to me that he had watched porn...so it was the start of our relationship so I figured, everyone makes mistakes as long as he doesn't do it again,

What was the mistake?

 

Watching porn, or telling you he watched it?

 

My guess is that it's the later.

[Chi townD]

So what...guys look at porn. Guys are very visual creatures. It doesn't mean we don't love or care about the person that we are with. I mean, if looking at pictures on a screen is the worst thing that he's doing....well, I could think of a hundred worse things he could be doing.

 

For guys, watching porn is like watching sports......just the naked kind.

 

Look, it's up to you. If watching a dirty movie is a deal breaker, then that's your deal breaker. But, in my opinion, I don't agree with throwing a relationship away with at least trying to work the issues.

 

It's like me saying that I won't date a girl that has read 50 Shades of Grey. Because, she can't be serious about me if she wants to read that porn trash. She must secretly wishes I was Christian Grey. She must secretly wish that I tie her up and humiliate her.

 

See, that's kind of ridiculous, isn't it?

[d0nnivain]

Search LS . .. . . there are sooooooo many threads on this. Porn is everywhere. You aren't going to stop him. Just realize it has very little to do with you.

[mammasita]

A man watching porn is like a woman buying shoes. It happens.

 

Its a problem when said activity rules over every day activities and relationships.

[Art_Critic]

Did he know that him watching porn was off the table in your relationship ?.. I'm guessing yes from what you have written..

Did you discuss with him that your stance was that he could never watch porn again ?

 

If no then he didn't make a mistake that he had to admit to but if he accepted the conditions then you are going to have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.

 

I'm not one to normally comment on these types of threads as the advice goes all over the place and resolving the issue is kind of hard but from my view of things it seems like he is going to watch porn, from the sounds of it he isn't addicted to it but watched it to relieve himself.

 

All viewpoints on this subject are okay, if you feel that porn is wrong then you need to find someone with similar views but if you expect him to never watch porn again as you have found out his view is different than yours then I think you have a problem and an uphill battle possibly.

 

One or both of you will have to make a concession.... will it be you or him ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

So..I've been with the same guy for a year and in the beginning of our relationship he admitted to me that he had watched porn...so it was the start of our relationship so I figured, everyone makes mistakes as long as he doesn't do it again, because he had been single for a while so I guess he was just used to it. But about 4 months ago he confessed to doing it again and promised he would never do it again, yadda yadda...but the thing is, that's exactly what he said the first time and I know I really shouldn't be too upset about it because I've been told all guys do this. But it just makes me feel like I'm not wanted, or not good enough. Don't get me wrong he tells me all the time how much he adores every part of me and I'm not lacking anything I need from him it's just, it makes me feel bad because I already have self esteem issues and this just makes it worse. I've tried looking at it like it's better that he looks at porn, rather than him actually going out and doing stuff with other people when I'm not around. He did apologize continuously and maybe I'm just being too jealous or controlling, but I just wanted to get other peoples opinions on it. I've been wanting to ask him if he's had any drawbacks with his promise recently but I'm worried he will get pissed at me. Because I hate starting arguments. Especially when I might be acting a little crazy about a situation that we don't need to discuss anymore because it's done and over with.

[JDPT]

I quiet honestly you are subconsciously pushing him away by blowing this out of proportion. Have you cared to understand why he chooses to watch porn?

The last thing you want is for him to shut down and start building a wall between you two, you will then have a bigger problem to deal with than him watching porn.

[somedude81]

A man watching porn is like a woman buying shoes. It happens.

 

Its a problem when said activity rules over every day activities and relationships.

 

Ha ha ha!

 

I'm so going to write a thread about my (next) GF buying shoes next time.

[Elias33]

A man watching porn is like a woman buying shoes. It happens.

 

Its a problem when said activity rules over every day activities and relationships.

 

Pretty much.

[acapelo_dp]

I think it is pretty normal for guys to watch porn. I used to absolutely detest porn, because my first boyfriend was literally a porn addict. It killed my self esteem. I know my current boyfriend watches porn. He did when he was single, and now that we are together he said he tries not to but does on occasion. I'd just rather not know about it because it makes me insecure. So, then we both win. I can't really say anything because I watch it as well.

 

I would say it's something that you should be willing to work on. I mean he was honest with you, most guys will lie about watching it. Maybe ask him why he watches it so you understand it a bit more...or even try watching it with him if that is something you are comfortable with.

[mukkrakker]

You do know that men (and women) masturbate even when they are in completely satisfying sexual relationships?

In fact I think there's data that suggests that very active sexual couples are more likely to masturbate more - but don't quote me!

Anyway, porn is just an aid, it's not a substitute, just as wanking is not a substitute for sex - unless you aren't getting any!

 

[if it's sicko porn then there's probably something wrong.]

 

Why not video yourself and send it to him...

[JanuaryFrost]

So you admit you have self esteem issues. Ask yourself if you didn't have these issues do you believe you would have issues with him watching porn? Would you feel better with him just fantasizing about whomever while he masturbates? Do you have issues with him masturbating?

 

Drill down to the real issues here so you know where you stand personally. Then after you figure that out you can figure out the best way to logically approach this situation.

 

 

Honestly I would still care. I just feel like its a form of cheating. I guess it's not, and I should be thankful that he was open and honest about it but it still hurts. And the worst of it is that I have actually sent him pictures of myself before. After the whole porn **** came out he asked me to send videos too. I of course didn't want him watching other women so I did indeed send him stuff. We're both grown adults so I don't wanna hear anything about that from anyone. I mean I trust him,obviously...but again, the porn was hard to deal with.

[JanuaryFrost]

Thanks everyone for your input.

[Lixxy]

The issue is that you're wanting him to change to support your low self-esteem, rather than accept that him viewing porn is normal, and work on yourself.

 

Him watching porn was not the mistake, your low self-esteem is the issue.

 

Rather that expect him to change something normal about himself that he enjoys doing, you should expect to change what's lacking in you: your self-worth.

 

Him not viewing (or rather, telling you he isn't... a ton of men lie to their girlfriends about giving up porn) will not transform your self-esteem. You have to work on that yourself.

[Lixxy]

And the worst of it is that I have actually sent him pictures of myself before. After the whole porn **** came out he asked me to send videos too. I of course didn't want him watching other women so I did indeed send him stuff.

 

The problem with this is that you're trying to compete with his porn material by sending him material of you.

 

Do you know what his fetishes are? Some men have fetishes their girlfriends cannot satisfy.

 

I'll throw you up an example of mine: I'm attracted to women with huge boobs in porn. If my boyfriend was uncomfortable with this, and started sending me porn of himself, it wouldn't change my attraction to what I get off to when I watch porn. I don't really get off to any vids of men. That's not to say I don't find my boyfriend undesirable, I certainly do! But my preference for porn, is women with huge boobs.

 

I'm just trying to demonstrate here how little what someone gets off to actually matters. If you love each other and have a good relationship, that's what should matter, rather than some vids or pics.

[JanuaryFrost]

The issue is that you're wanting him to change to support your low self-esteem, rather than accept that him viewing porn is normal, and work on yourself.

 

Him watching porn was not the mistake, your low self-esteem is the issue.

 

Rather that expect him to change something normal about himself that he enjoys doing, you should expect to change what's lacking in you: your self-worth.

 

Him not viewing (or rather, telling you he isn't... a ton of men lie to their girlfriends about giving up porn) will not transform your self-esteem. You have to work on that yourself.

 

No, it's not just that though. I think its a form of cheating. Like he's getting off by watching other women that aren't me. So in turn does that not mean he wants to have sex with other women? And the thing is, our sex life is great. I mean he talks about it all the time too and everything so I'm not concerned about that. And we aren't against trying new things together either so idk why he feels like he needs to watch and think about other women when he has me.

[central]

Do you never turn him down for sex? Are you always with him and ready to have sex with him? Is he ever alone when you're away or at work, and you're unable to have sex with him?

 

 

Porn is simply a release. You may be able to make him stop watching, but he'll still imagine other women and masturbate. He may even imagine other women while having sex with you. You can't control his thoughts, and that's what they'll include - women other than you, who don't look like you, or don't act like you, or two women, or whatever turns him on. It does not mean he wants to replace you or would chase after any other woman. But, you can't control his thoughts, so you'll always be insecure.

[hasaquestion]

I'm sure anyone I'd date goes to the movies and thinks, gosh, Leonardo di Caprio is so gorgeous. I'm not gonna take it personally. I mean, he is really hot after all. Way hotter than me.

 

Watch some porn too. Hell watch it together. If its a good relationship you both have more profound reasons to love each other than cup size or abs anyway.

[Lixxy]

No, it's not just that though. I think its a form of cheating. Like he's getting off by watching other women that aren't me. So in turn does that not mean he wants to have sex with other women? And the thing is, our sex life is great. I mean he talks about it all the time too and everything so I'm not concerned about that. And we aren't against trying new things together either so idk why he feels like he needs to watch and think about other women when he has me.

 

Why do you feel it's a form of cheating? This goes back to something I always end up bringing up with threads like this... When we're little girls, when we're going through puberty, where in our sex education are we taught about male sexuality? Where are we taught about masturbation aids? Porn? Healthy attitudes towards sexuality that aren't filtered by religiosity or traditionalism?

 

Most of us aren't taught to accept this, which is why so many women have issues with it.

 

Worse, many of us are taught that lust is a sin, (i.e. doing so much as thinking sexually of someone else is as bad as actually cheating on that person), that what a man looks at or thinks about whilst masturbation is a reflection on you and your worth as a human being, to equate sex with love...

 

It took me a long time to learn about this, and why it shouldn't matter, but now I have, I can't believe I ever thought that what a man looks at whilst he has an orgasm means anything at all.

 

If you simplify it right down: We all experience a pleasurable feeling when we stimulate our genitalia for long enough. Watching certain material can help us along. So we watch this thing, and reach that climax faster than normal.. It's that simple. It has nothing whatsoever to do with love. It's just a means to an end.

 

Going back to the example I gave earlier: What I masturbate to women, that doesn't mean I want to have sex with women at all. The material I watch, again, is just a means to an end. It doesn't mean I want to ditch my boyfriend and run after big boobed women. I love my boyfriend; what I use during masturbation is just the same as when I watch an action film to get my adrenaline going, or watch a romance film to make me feel all emotional.

 

You could have the most exciting, healthy, happy sex life in the world, and he would still feel the desire to watch porn. The same as you could have the most exciting, healthy, happy life in the world, and still want to watch action and romance movies. It always doesn't really work like: "Sex life is bad, so he's turning to porn"; "Sex life is good, so he ditches the porn". It's an accessory to self-pleasure, and masturbation is very different to sex. Sometimes you might want to masturbate, sometimes you might want sex... it's no biggie, it doesn't mean anything.

 

I know for me no amount of amazing sex will stop me wanting to masturbate on my own every now and then. It doesn't (and shouldn't) represent anything negative about my boyfriend, his attractiveness to me, or our relationship.

[drifter777]

No, it's not just that though. I think its a form of cheating. Like he's getting off by watching other women that aren't me. So in turn does that not mean he wants to have sex with other women? And the thing is, our sex life is great. I mean he talks about it all the time too and everything so I'm not concerned about that. And we aren't against trying new things together either so idk why he feels like he needs to watch and think about other women when he has me.

I think you are overreacting but it's your life. If you think watching porn is this bad then break up with this guy and move on. One thing you should know is that his enjoying porn has absolutely nothing to do with you or your relationship. Men are visual creatures and hornier then you could possibly imagine. It doesn't mean he wants other women, just that he likes watching women have sex. And he's not comparing you to the women in the videos. He thinks they are skanks and wouldn't touch one of them with a 10-foot pole. But it's fun watching them give a blowjob

[georgecostanza]

No, it's not just that though. I think its a form of cheating. Like he's getting off by watching other women that aren't me. So in turn does that not mean he wants to have sex with other women? And the thing is, our sex life is great. I mean he talks about it all the time too and everything so I'm not concerned about that. And we aren't against trying new things together either so idk why he feels like he needs to watch and think about other women when he has me.

 

Hi JanuaryFrost. First of all I want to say that I'm a guy, and I can 100% say that I can separate porn from a relationship. It's a masturbation aid, nothing more. Of course there are huge ethical issues and addiction can cause problems, but those aren't the issues here.

 

You mentioned that you view porn as cheating. I presume you're imagining the women he's jerking off to as physical rivals. I say this because they can't be emotional rivals, porn scripts are literally too two dimensional for a female character to want to do anything more than strip off her clothes and screw. That's a key factor in separating it - the degree of unreality in porn. Most men are aware that porn is far removed from reality. Believe me, your boyfriend's hand is nothing compared to what you can offer him, not just in the most obvious sense but also in the little things, the breath on the skin, the teasing, the wondering if it's going to happen, the laying together afterwards.

 

A second point is that guys jerk off over whoever they want. Seriously. Girls from the office, girls from college, girls from tv, girls they walk past in the street, shop assistants, girls from church, whatever. So literally every girl you walk past could be a physical rival and going straight into his spankbank. You could even say that if your guy is watching porn it means he's less likely to be beating it over the hot secretary, so you should be more secure in a sense. Seeing and imagining all of these bodies can keep things varied to the guy without actually physically or emotionally cheating (at least in his mind). On top of that watching porn obviously has the chance of providing you guys with new ideas, positions, keeping you horny till you see each other again or whatever. It's not at all unrealistic to think that porn can actually improve your love life and prevent it from stagnating.

 

And I get that it's not nice to think about your significant other fantasising about other people, but we are all human and it will inevitably happen. Other people have commented that there may be self-esteem issues here and they could be right. But a partner doesn't earn trust by not being exposed to members of the opposite sex whatsoever - that's just lockdown. They have to earn it by not acting on things, so all of these little fantasies, every time your partner decides to just imagine it rather than try to act on it, that's a sign of faithfulness.

 

Like I said porn & the sex industry raise a lot of ethical issues and I don't want to sound like I am writing a passionate defence of it, but in terms of your relationship you really do not have anything to worry about if your partner occasionally uses porn. You offer a lot more than porn does, which is why he has gone to the effort of getting a girlfriend in the first place.

[crederer]

You do know that men (and women) masturbate even when they are in completely satisfying sexual relationships?

In fact I think there's data that suggests that very active sexual couples are more likely to masturbate more - but don't quote me!

Anyway, porn is just an aid, it's not a substitute, just as wanking is not a substitute for sex - unless you aren't getting any!

 

[if it's sicko porn then there's probably something wrong.]

 

Why not video yourself and send it to him...

 

wtf is "sicko" porn?

 

Any ways, OP. I think you already know this is your issue not his. You has self esteem issues, as you've stated, and that is the problem, not porn. Most men watch porn and if they don't, when they masturbate they're thinking of real people in their lives and not some stranger on a screen. Which would you prefer he do?

[mukkrakker]

wtf is "sicko" porn?

 

i just write the lyrics, the interpretation is yours, but i think we can all guess that kiddie porn, bestiality, rape, torture etc would come well within the demarcation of "sicko" porn...

[Philosoraptor]

Honestly I would still care. I just feel like its a form of cheating. I guess it's not, and I should be thankful that he was open and honest about it but it still hurts. And the worst of it is that I have actually sent him pictures of myself before. After the whole porn **** came out he asked me to send videos too. I of course didn't want him watching other women so I did indeed send him stuff. We're both grown adults so I don't wanna hear anything about that from anyone. I mean I trust him,obviously...but again, the porn was hard to deal with.

 

No, it's not just that though. I think its a form of cheating. Like he's getting off by watching other women that aren't me. So in turn does that not mean he wants to have sex with other women? And the thing is, our sex life is great. I mean he talks about it all the time too and everything so I'm not concerned about that. And we aren't against trying new things together either so idk why he feels like he needs to watch and think about other women when he has me.

 

Seems like you're still caught in a circle here. Are you comfortable believing that likely 90%+ of men are cheaters? Since they watch porn or fantasize about others? If seeing a woman walk by, thinking "dizzam", and wanting to slap her ass makes a man a cheater... then all men are cheaters.

 

You're entitled to your opinion, but he's not suddenly going to all together stop fantasizing about other women. He's been doing it since he was young and it's not an easy habit to break. He may become craftier at hiding it, but in all likely hood it's not going to stop.

 

So do you never think about other men? Ever see a guy walk by and just think "he's hot"?

 

Honestly I dated a girl like you before. When I mentioned (apparently confessed according to her) that I relieved myself from time to time she went off the deep end. Her insecurity issues got worse and it caused a rift in the relationship. She started obsessing about who I apparently wanted to sleep with and accusing me of checking out every girl in sight. Meanwhile I would never cheat, but she could never get past the fact that I found anyone other than her attractive. This of course caused a lot of tension and eventually ended the relationship.

 

In my case it was the best thing for me, she's still crazy and insecure, and I'm marrying my awesome fiancee who doesn't stress about it. She knows I think there are other beautiful women in the world, but she can tell when looking in my eyes who without a doubt is the most beautiful to me.

 

So is it enough to be the most attractive sexy woman to him, or do you need to be the only attractive sexy woman to him?